Does your SO care about your career goals?

[Captivated]

So here's the thing. My husband is absolutely fantastic - loving, supportive, attentive - in every way except in one area: my career goals and dreams. I've noticed that when I talk about my other love, writing, he tunes out. For instance, we were driving to a party one day and I told him I was going to enter Nanowrimo (a novel writing contest I've attempted for the past 5 years but always failed). I was actually quite excited. I told him it was going to take place the entire month of November and that I might need to make time for that some days. Then I went on to tell him my story idea and he decided to sing along to the song on the radio - meaning, he didn't really care. So I quit talking about it. I was a bit put off but I didn't want to make a big deal about it.

Well that was a week ago and I'm still uncomfortable about it. I should probably talk to him about it but I hate talking about my feelings...I mean I really never could be touchy feely and I literally choke up when I try to bring up something that has to do with my "feelings". Then I get embarrassed and avoid it, keep it all inside and become passive aggressive. I know myself - it sucks. The one time where we were in a pretty big argument and we FINALLY sat down to talk it out without screaming at each other, I told him I never could talk about how I feel (face to face) and told him it will take forever to get the words out. I told him not to look at me and I pretty much waited until day became night and we were in the dark...then I could talk. Ridiculous, no?

Anyway, the reason I ask if your SO cares about your career goals is because I wonder, does it really matter? I mean, our relationship is brilliant in every other way...why do I need more? He bends over backwards to keep me happy...why do I focus on this one thing?

[frompanthertomustang]

My boyfriend is very good about supporting my career goals (I want to be a writer, too!) and he has a tendency to talk about them first. He's very career-driven, as he's a mechanical engineer major, so I think he wants me to be as busy as he is! But truthfully, my biggest goal is to be a mom (I know, how 1950s of me :/) and work from home.

I'm sorry he's making you feel like he doesn't care about your career. If writing--or whatever else you'd like to do--is what makes you happy, then I believe it should make your SO happy as well! Or at least, happy for you! Maybe he's not understanding how much this means to you. If it usually take a lot out of you to talk to him about your feelings, have you considered writing them down first? Or maybe simply writing him a little letter? It's sometimes easier for me to get things out when their scripted. I believe that any real goals in life, whether career, family, etc., always matter. I'm so glad that your relationship is great in many other ways, but it is very important that each partner feel supported. Your SO should be a big part of your support system. I hope all is well!

[Captivated]

Thank you for your reply! I think you're right about the fact that maybe he just doesn't understand how important it is. We met online about 2 years ago and I've always felt more comfortable typing out my feelings than actually physically talking about them face to face. I thought that would change somewhat when we moved in together but I suppose it hasn't. I sometimes feel tempted to ask him to go to the other room and sign on MSN so we can chat lol But I think at some point I'm going to have to learn how to speak to him about deeper issues.

It's great that your SO supports you in your writing. And you mentioned he has a higher degree and has career goals himself - that could also have something to do with it. My husband has a degree but only because he felt forced to get one and has been working shit jobs ever since. When he moved to the US, he wasn't (and isn't) too optimistic things will change here. He has no aspirations to be anything...though he does have a hobby or two: playing the drums and playing on the xbox, neither of which he has access to at the moment anyway.

[Mims27]

I've always felt more comfortable typing out my feelings than actually physically talking about them face to face. I thought that would change somewhat when we moved in together but I suppose it hasn't. I sometimes feel tempted to ask him to go to the other room and sign on MSN so we can chat lol But I think at some point I'm going to have to learn how to speak to him about deeper issues.

I was the exact same way. I would not open up at all, in person. Until my SO pushed and pushed and I finally did. Yes it was hard at first and I cried but the results were so very worth it. Load lifted off my shoulders. And the more we talk the easier it gets. You can do it!

[lucybelle]

I think it's pretty damn important actually. I mean you spend at least 40 hours a week in your job. That's quite a portion of your life! It's important that not only enjoy your time at work, but to also have someone at home who appreciates you for doing it.

I'm a teacher, and although my SO has never seen me in action he constantly tells me he wishes he had a teacher like me when he was in school. He says he can tell by the projects I talk about and my interactions with the kids.

My SO is an engineer and he told me his ultimate goal would be to represent a USA company in Latin America. I 100% support him on this and it would be awesome for both of us! He's a really smart guy and I know he'll do well in whatever he decides to do.

If we didn't have that kind of support I think things would suck. If he told me I had an easy job, it would piss me off. If I told him I didn't like his job, he would be hurt. I think it's really important to back each other up.

[Verojoon]

I'm a writer. I had my debut novel published in September and am currently working on the contracted sequel.

My ex-husband never took my career goals seriously... at all... Actually, he still doesn't... He's constantly telling me to "get a real job at the grocery store or something" so I can better support the children. To be honest, for me this is a huge problem. I would definitely talk to him about it (even if you have to do it with the lights out... which by the way, I'm the same way... SO and I work out problems out over email, text, or in the dark... ) because even if it seems like a long-shot, it is your goal and it isn't right for him to be so completely un-supportive.

With my ex-husband, when I got my publishing contract (he's the one who found out because it was during our separation drama and he had cut off my access to the Internet so he could control who I communicated with, and was the one who checked my email) He was extremely happy for me and I felt so encouraged by his reaction that I actually tried again to make our relationship work... obviously it didn't since he is my ex-husband... but just to say I know how good it feels to have your partner actually take you seriously.

My current SO takes my writing career very seriously. I couldn't be with someone who doesn't again... I have a difficult enough time dealing with my ex-husband about it... I couldn't imagine doing it with my SO.

Good luck with NaNoWriMo! Hopefully I'll be deep in revisions by November...

[Verojoon]

Thank you for your reply! I think you're right about the fact that maybe he just doesn't understand how important it is. We met online about 2 years ago and I've always felt more comfortable typing out my feelings than actually physically talking about them face to face. I thought that would change somewhat when we moved in together but I suppose it hasn't. I sometimes feel tempted to ask him to go to the other room and sign on MSN so we can chat lol But I think at some point I'm going to have to learn how to speak to him about deeper issues.

Oh one thing that may make things easier: One thing my SO and I do to tackle problems when we are visiting with each other, is I go for a walk and I text him the problem... Then text him I will be back to talk about it... So I lay my feelings out the way I am most comfortable, but get the benefit of face to face communication when it comes to working things out. My SO and I haven't physically spent enough time together to have too many problems on our visits, so I don't know if it would work well like that all the time... and if maybe this would evolve into being able to better communicate face to face... But I'm guessing it might!

[kteire]

If it's important to you, it should be important to him. It's a respect thing. He needs to respect that you love to write, and regardless of what you were talking about, singing while you're talking is just plain rude! I think you're completely in the right to say that you need more.

My SO is very supportive of my career plans, and in fact is going to be helping me pay my massive £15000 tuition to study computer science (provided I get in to schools!!). Our careers are important to both of us, although I did choose to move around and travel before focusing on my future. I would be completely disheartened if he didn't believe in me. After all, we can't believe in ourselves 100% of the time, so it's important to have someone to support you to say 'I know you can do this'.

[Captivated]

Thank you all. Each one of you had very good points that I will take to heart. I will have to talk to him - someway.

I feel bad though, as well. He has expressed to me in the past that he's a bit jealous of how my life is compared to his. This was a long while back and I did talk to him about this and set things straight. So every time something like this comes up, when something good happens to me or that I'm about to do, I always think back to that comment. He does say things like, "you can do it" but I almost think it's a bit insincere. I guess I'm not sure what exactly the type of support I'm looking for. Maybe I'm expecting too much and am a bit spoiled by my dad's support. He was the one I went to with all my good and bad news and he offered constructive feedback, words of encouragement (sincerely) and just motivated me to keep going. I guess I miss that...

While we were LDR, I told him I was so looking forward to finally finishing a novel and getting it published. I asked him if he'd read it. He said no, that he doesn't like to read. I'm not sure if his sentiments are the same today but obviously I never forgot about that.

But then I think - have I been supportive of him? When he would talk about his game playing, I'd always dismiss it. I figured, "it's just a game!". Maybe he took that to heart as well? Maybe I should've been more supportive there as well.

By the way, I'm currently not living my dream as a writer because I've become complacent on being a marketing director. And I miss, terribly, the feeling and joy of creating characters and becoming immersed in a story. It's been 6 years since I can truly say I really loved writing. I miss it it...I want it back.

[Captivated]

I'm a writer. I had my debut novel published in September and am currently working on the contracted sequel.

Oh and congratulations!! That's so exciting - hope to do the same before I die lol

[Katelyn313]

First, congrats on getting married and starting to write a bit again I'm back in school after a year off and it's so nice to be back into it

Back to the issue at hand... Dylan supports me completely. And I support him completely. I'm in school to be an American Sign Language Interpreter and he's learned the alphabet and his numbers to 20 so far We talk about different situations in the Deaf Community and it's so nice to have someone else's opinions and thoughts to make me think. Right now, Dylan works construction, but he's looking to change jobs when he moves up here (in March!!) and I've been sending him the names of companies that hire people in the field he wants. I hope he finds it as helpful as I find his support.

I think it's really important for your SO to support you. Especially when they're now your spouse. You guys are a team and a family and must lean on each other for support and if you don't feel like you're getting it, you need to chat with him.

That said, how to talk to him. If I have to talk to someone about something important or that I know will make me upset(I get hives INCREDIBLY easy), I write it down. I write all of my thoughts down and then I organize them. Then I ask the other person to sit and listen while I read my paper. Sometimes, it's written in the form of a letter, sometimes it's bullet points of my different issues. Then, once all of my 'emotional vomit' is out, I ask them what they think and then we work through it together, using my notes as a reference. I did this recently with Dylan about a huge decision we had to make. It worked well. I stayed calm by reading and I was able to make sure I didn't forget anything important.


Good luck!!

[Haley53]

I'm with lucybelle on this one.

You're not wrong for wanting his support, point blank. There's no "daddy issue" surrounding that one. We all want our partners to share in our goals and our passions and there's nothing wrong with that, especially since they make up such a huge part of our lives. You don't have to be actively writing to have a passion for it. You don't have to have a current career out of it for it to be present or for it to be worth something. A passion does not need to be a practice to be present. I compare passion to meditation. You breathe. You don't stop breathing (hopefully, anyway ). But meditation involving focus on the breath also involves making a practice out of breathing and awareness. I would say it's the same thing with passion, and in this case, your passion for writing. Even if you haven't had the chance to sit down and create, it's still there and very much a part of you. That is why I feel it's important that a partner be supportive of your goals and passions.

The thing is, I don't feel that he has to know why it's important. I don't feel like he has to see value in it or understand it to be a part of it. I may not always understand what's so enjoyable about a game my SO is playing, but I'm going to ask him about it and listen to it because he's clearly enjoying it, and therefore, I'm interested. My SO fosters my interest, as I am sure I sometimes foster his simply by being his SO. He may not care that I learned about how elephant seals compress themselves when they sink to great depths, but he's going to listen and feed off my excitement because to an extent, we share in each other's lives. Sometimes things become important to you because they're important to your SO, as someone else mentioned, and I don't see where you have to personally see the value in it (for you) to appreciate the value in it for someone else - least of all your partner! The other thing, too, is that turning up the radio/singing along is rude. I wouldn't even do that if a stranger came along and babbled to me about how we're being invaded by aliens who created the bath salts to distract us into thinking there'll be a zombie apocalypse. There are some basic social rules you don't break, and in my opinion ,that's one of them, again, especially because you're his partner.

I urge you not to talk yourself into feeling silly for feeling this way or talk yourself out of talking to him about it simply because you find it difficult. You have every right to discuss this with him for the reasons you mentioned. *shrug* Whether or not you supported his game play in the past can be used as a lesson for the future but not a justification for how he's treating you now. He has treated you rudely and selfishly, and personally, I think he deserves to know that that's not okay.

[Kiyama]

I agree with Eclaire and lucybelle. He should take your goals more seriously and be as passionate about it.
I'm a writer and it would break my heart if my SO didn't care at all about it. He's not a reader but that isn't the point. He still shows interest and sometimes he says "oh you should write a novel about that" so little things that show me he remembers my passion.
By this is not a writing thing. I'd be as upset if he didn't care about my teaching. Your SO should support you career wise, no matter what it is about. I think you should bring the topic up sometime.

[Zephii]

I write too, and I can't imagine not having Obi's support for that. I'm one of those people that really need a kick up the arse for a lot of things, even things I'm passionate about, because for some reason I never find the motivation to do it on my own. I don't think I could stay with someone who didn't care as much about my stories as I do.

But, on the other hand, I do know it's hard for people to take writing as a career seriously - maybe he doesn't get that part of it?. For the longest time I couldn't get through to Obi that this isn't a hobby for me. It's not something I do for fun - it's work. (At the time, I worked a job I hated and never had the energy to write even when I found the time) I kept telling him that he shouldn't expect me to want to come home from work, and then work some more. And he didn't get it until one day I snapped "How would you feel if I told you you should work in a fast food place every day, and that didn't matter because you can do VFX at home as a hobby?"

I think though, that if he's great in every other way you might be able to let this one go. It's ok to have things that are just your thing or just his thing. Maybe a good supportive writers circle will be enough to fill that void?

[Captivated]

Okay - I don't know what just happened.

So tonight after work, I get home, eat dinner and we go upstairs and relax. With this whole writing thing still on my mind, as we're playing our usual Facebook games, I casually mention the novel again. I tell him I'll need to start prepping soon but that I had no concrete story ideas - the ones I had were shit. He gave me some silly ideas and then I told him that I was being serious. He then paused and started giving me good ideas. I elaborated on the ideas and he started to get excited. He then - and I can't believe this - turned off the game, pulled up notepad and starting writing an outline for the story. He went on and on, creating ideas and giving opinions on where it would go. LOL He then said I could drop him off at the gym some days so I can get some work done. (he still doesn't have his DL or have a car)

Basically, it was a complete 180 change. Did he see this post?? LOL Well he's not on here so I doubt it. But wow...I'm a bit speechless.