Big life decisions

[Jezah]

Should they be shared?

HBB is moving out, and he needs to buy a car first. His grandpa decided to pay for him to get up to a 1000 quid car. Well we had looked online a bit and seen a few we liked, mainly Honda's since they are reliable. Well while I was asleep this AM he went to go look at cars with his mum. I get a txt after with a picture of a Ford and him saying "I am picking it up Monday!". I am a bit shocked as this is a big life decision and essentially he just made it without even talking to me. Now that he did, I have expressed HOW uncomfortable I am with him getting a Ford since they are absolutely unreliable crappily made poop on wheels. He swears they are different in the UK, but 15 minutes of research and I have found several bad reviews of this car from the UK. I feel really insulted that he is not listening to my factually backed up opinion, and that he didn't even feel the need to consult me first. I consider spending 1000 to be a pretty big deal, and this will be our car when I move over there.

Am I overstepping or should big decision be something you share?

[mllebamako]

I think it really depends on the situation and the couple. When we were LD and at a different stage in our relationship, he would ask me advice on big decisions like that. He wouldn't always go with what I said, but I was happy that he included me in the process anyway. Now that we live together and are semi-married, we always make the big decisions together.

But when something is more one person's decision than the other, we both give input but it's up to that person to decide. Like when my parents gave me a car, he gave his input but the decision was ultimately mine. And when he made the decision to not take a job offer, he listened to my advice but decided on his own.

In your situation, I think it was great that you guys looked at cars together online but in the end, the car is a gift to him from his grandfather. So I wouldn't be too miffed about him doing it without you.

[Sora1101]

Honestly I don't think he should have consulted you first, you may be sharing that car in the future but sorry you didn't chip in any money so why would you get a say? That would be like if your mom gave you $1000 for a new laptop and your SO throws a fit because you didn't buy the one he liked. Sure helping him with research was nice and all, a fun thing to do with your SO for sure, and he should have listened to what you found but overall it's his decision, he's going to be driving a lot more than you are, and if he wants to buy a car you don't like that's his choice and has nothing to do with you.

[WakeUpSusie]

Yeah... not really your place to get angry because a) not your money b) not your car. Even if it might be a car you use in the future, it isn't right now. You are definitely allowed to express any concerns you have, but ultimately he is a big boy capable of making his own decisions. Don't make a mountain out of a very small molehill.

[squeeker]

I think he probably didn't mean to not include you in it but since you're far apart (for now), he wasn't able to ask your opinion and maybe he wasn't aware that ford cars are unreliable or there was something different about this one or it was on a limited time sale and he felt pressured to buy it then. He told you afterwards, and you looked at cars online together, I think he tried involving you as much he could. Of course it might have been shown more if he bought a honda but maybe there weren't any good ones at the place. I'm not sure. Maybe it will turn out to be more reliable than the reviews say?

[Jezah]

I hope it will turn out to be a better car than all the reviews say. I felt like I had a right to be consulted on it though, and as for the analogy about a laptop....I would not be driving my laptop at 60 mph and having to rely on its bad safety rating. I am concerned because my boyfriend just bought a car that is 3rd from the bottom on JP power consumer reviews, has a pretty bad safety rating (don't think it even has ABS) and is known to need constant expensive repairs. Its not like I was unhappy because it was ugly or not the color I liked, I am unhappy because I am afraid for him. I mean for christs sake, the cars brake and clutch pedal pins are known to fall out leaving him going 60 mph with no pedals. So yea, I am rightly pretty unhappy. I feel like he bought a lemon and I am upset, if he wasn't in such a rush to move in with his buddies he even admits he would have taken more time to look. Instead he settled.

Edit: Not to mention, while online car shopping I said only one thing and said it a few times. "Whatever you do, don't get a Ford". So what does he do when car shopping....? Get a Ford. He swears it wasn't to spite me, but he also essentially ignored the only advice I gave him

[lucybelle]

I don't think you should get upset. Like mlle said, it's a gift to him from his grandfather and it's really up to them what they want to get.

I would never buy a Ford, but my dad loves them. He has always had Fords. The last one he finally got rid of after 10+ years. As long as HBB takes care of the car (regular oil changes, air filter repair, etc etc) it'll last him at least 5 years unless something freak happens. Do you know what year it is?

My SO's Honda recently had a run of work needed. First we had to get 2 new tires, than it started over heating which meant thermostat change, then some piece of the undercarriage fell off... It's just how it goes. No matter what type of car you buy you'll constantly throw money into it. But that's what you get for owning one!

And just to respond to your last post-- if the car was completely UNSAFE to drive, it wouldn't be on the market. Point blank.

[Jezah]

Its a 2002. I guess I maybe am overreacting, but I just do not want to see him end up injured, dead or even just in a financial rut when he doesn't have to. Its his grandfathers money, so yes I didn't contribute, but I was hoping he would use this opportunity (one I would freaking LOVE, driving a '97 250$ rust bucket myself because I had to buy it with no help) to really take his time and be careful. Instead this is his first day actually going to see car dealerships and he buys a car.

HBB thinks I am being car racist because I hate Fords, but everyone I ever known who owned one regretted it later. They are cheaply made IMHO

[Moon]

I had my last Ford Focus for 11.5 years, 190,000 miles. The biggest repair it ever needed was a broken power steering pump, it never needed engine or transmission work, and never once didn't start. In the last year and a half lots of little things started breaking and ended up starting to cost me real money, so I decided to get a new car. My options were wide open, but because I suck at getting them regularly maintained, have no mechanics as friends or family, and I keep 'em forever, I went right back to the Ford dealership and bought another Focus. I love my car and it gets consistently good safety ratings.

A 1000 pound car is not a big deal, it's a cheap starter car that he'll hopefully get a couple of years out of, it's really not a big life decision. Let this go, it's so not worth it, it's not your car and probably won't last long enough to be your car, young guys, quite frankly, don't give a shit if it has ABS, or side airbags, or traction control, etc. Let it go and let him be a guy. He does not have to consult with you over a cheap, used car.

[stephanieaz]

Relationships are give and take. It seems like you guys did discuss it beforehand, he heard your advice, but decided to go a different way. You have a right to not be happy about it or not like the car or not agree with his decision, but I don't think you should make a big deal about it. Ultimately, it's not your money or your vehicle right now. I think you're overreacting a bit with the safety issue - as someone else pointed out, it wouldn't be on the market if it were a complete death trap. He's probably excited about getting the car - don't rain on his parade! Support him, even if you do not agree. That's my advice.

[jleec24]

I had my last Ford Focus for 11.5 years, 190,000 miles.

Ford Focus buddy! I got a Ford Focus as my very first car, didn't regret it. Not even a little bit. Brilliant car. Ran great, drove great. Could do anything!

But yeah he's a boy, he's going to be excited about his car and it's something that's sacred to him as it is sacred to all boys. Let him just be a boy and stop worrying about the what ifs and could be's. You'll burn that bridge when you get to it.

[Jezah]

Now my stubbornness is kicking in. He is driving home right now (in his family car) and I now do realize I maybe was a bit of a brat about the car thing with him....I now want to let it go and be excited with him but I am not sure how? After how big of a deal I made of it, how do I transition into "I am happy for you!". I hate myself sometimes, in my defense he did wake me up and this was all before my morning coffee so I wasn't in stellar form. I mean at least this wasn't me being a brat about something out of selfishness, it was the opposite....my reaction was 100% my fears for him. I was in my own way trying to look out for him, but now I look like a boob.

Any advice now on how to make this ok while maintaining my pride? Heh

[temporaryuser]

Every Ford is not going to have the issues that you researched. I know many mechanics that swear by Fords. And others that would never touch one. You cant get pissy because he made a choice on his own. But because he made this choice, if something ever happens to the car, you will probably hold it over his head.
The decision has been made, the deed is done. be happy that he got a car and will be able to move out on his own instead of dwwelling on something as small as him picking the one brand that you advised him not to.

[stephanieaz]

I would say something like "I'm sorry for overreacting earlier. I know I was being a brat. I was concerned for your safety, but after thinking about it, realize that I was being silly. I'm excited for you! I would love to see pictures of it." or something along those lines. However you would word it.

Now my stubbornness is kicking in. He is driving home right now (in his family car) and I now do realize I maybe was a bit of a brat about the car thing with him....I now want to let it go and be excited with him but I am not sure how? After how big of a deal I made of it, how do I transition into "I am happy for you!". I hate myself sometimes, in my defense he did wake me up and this was all before my morning coffee so I wasn't in stellar form. I mean at least this wasn't me being a brat about something out of selfishness, it was the opposite....my reaction was 100% my fears for him. I was in my own way trying to look out for him, but now I look like a boob.

Any advice now on how to make this ok while maintaining my pride? Heh

[jleec24]

Now my stubbornness is kicking in. He is driving home right now (in his family car) and I now do realize I maybe was a bit of a brat about the car thing with him....I now want to let it go and be excited with him but I am not sure how? After how big of a deal I made of it, how do I transition into "I am happy for you!". I hate myself sometimes, in my defense he did wake me up and this was all before my morning coffee so I wasn't in stellar form. I mean at least this wasn't me being a brat about something out of selfishness, it was the opposite....my reaction was 100% my fears for him. I was in my own way trying to look out for him, but now I look like a boob.

Any advice now on how to make this ok while maintaining my pride? Heh

Goes like this "I'm sorry."
Nothing works wonders as much as those two words. Start with that and then just act upon you wanting to be happy for him. Actions speak louder than words. Ask about the car, ask how it's been so far and his opinions. Just talk to him about it. Share his joy.

EDIT: My SO recently got a bicycle! Not as big of a life decision as a car but she did ask my input. Soon after she spray painted in pink then told me that if ever she were lazy I'd have to cycle into town on a completely painted hot pink bicycle. Not my favourite colour but whatever makes her happy.