We're at Polar Ends of the Spectrum

[Haley53]

*There's a tldr; paragraph at the bottom, but cookies to those who make it through some or all of my full post.

My SO has been in a persistent bad mood since last Tuesday. It's the month of one year since his mother's death. I understand that things are going to be rough on him, but I feel drained. I admittedly felt like this during my trip too, to the point where when we went shopping and the ATM was out of order, when he said something along the lines of, "go figure this would happen to us. Why would it be working?" (he claims "jokingly"), I snapped and said, "enough!" When he asked why I snapped, I said that I was tired of the negativity. I also feel an undercurrent of anxiety every time he's in a foul mood, because while it no longer means he will snap at me (which I still feel scarred from and anxious about, despite it not being an issue for several months), usually it means he'll be quiet or his responses will be either disengaged from our conversation, engaged but sparse, or only about what he chooses to talk about. While I recognise some of the signs of depression, it really all depends on what's going to trigger it. For example, he ordered a mask on eBay and when the seller cancelled his order, he flipped, and I mean, flipped. He said some horrible things about them and while I know that it spiralled from "they cancelled my order"... I guess I'm tired of having to "know" that.

Then today, I got online and had had a bad dream, so I said, "you love me, right boyfriend?", which I have said before with no issue and it's usually related to a bad dream, and I got some contorted misspelling of "yes" and then asked if something was wrong and he said "nothing. im fine." Then he's quiet until he tells me he's going out with his friends tonight at 8 and going to sleep for a few hours. This upsets me because we didn't get to talk at all yesterday and it's safe to say I have been feeling more than a little neglected due to his shitty mood that he's been in for almost a solid week. I'm hurt, also in part because he's part of the reason I didn't go to the conference today (not the whole reason or the main reason, but part of it) that my mother went to, because it would have meant we wouldn't have been able to speak (this was assuming he'd stayed home). And now I'm sitting here in tears after I had an absolutely amazing night that I wanted to share with him, and don't feel I can in the time we have anyway because his responses are so distant. Thing is? This is not a foreign feeling to me. A lot of the time, I feel like I can't share something exciting with him because he's either distant or won't respond to it, including getting my kittens, which was a pretty big/happy thing for me.

I'm really not sure how to feel about it. He hasn't booked his ticket, and I was angry at the fact he has to wait to speak to his uncle to sort out his debts before he can book it, yet he bought several hundred euro worth of music equipment when he went to town within the same week he told me that. That was more expensive than the ticket and also for leisure purposes. I'm not opposed to him spending money on it, and I want him to buy that equipment, but then I feel like I would rather the "real" explanation because what makes one leisure activity okay to spend seven hundred euro on but not five hundred on another? Unless he's counting spending money, but he already has money set aside for it. He currently asked why I'm upset and when I said because I had expected we'd have time to talk today, he said he "didn't think we ever were" and when I explained that he hadn't told me he was going out Sunday and had said he'd be coming home Sunday morning, I had assumed that would have meant we would have had some time to talk, he said he didn't expect he would be this tired. But it's still bothering me that he's going to sleep simply so he can go out again, which means we probably won't talk today/tonight either, and while that usually wouldn't bother me (I want him to go out with his friends because they don't often), it does today.

I want to blame it on my period but thinking about it, I think it's because I feel like a really low priority right now and have all week. I feel like I have done these amazing things - kittens, Spiral Dance, etc. - that I have not gotten to share at all with my SO. Every single time we've gotten to talk has been spoiled by something that's happened, like the eBay seller cancelling his mask, and then he's ranted for hours and gone to bed early about it. Maybe this is dramatic, but I sometimes feel like he's dating his depression and I'm the third wheel. The hard part about all this is that I do love him and I do want to make it work, but I have been supporting this relationship almost by myself since his mother died. There comes a point where loving someone else isn't enough. I keep wondering when will I have my turn to be made the priority? To feel loved? To be able to be who I am, which, most of the time, is pretty damn content where I'm at? And it isn't like he's not thoughtful or loving, but when his depression hits, it's like he forgets how to be either.

Maybe I'm compassion fatigued, but though I'm willing to wait out October (the month of her mother's death was incredibly rough for my mother, too, even if not always on a conscious level), I guess I'm starting to feel less like I'm waiting for him and more like I'm waiting to see if my partner is ever going to love me again, or if I'm ever going to feel it. It's only been a year but a year is a damn long time to wait/stay for someone who has lost their mother and been through everything he has. I guess I'm simply feeling like there's so much going on in my life that, while yes, it has its challenges (putting my cat down, for example), overall, I am happy and content, and maybe he'll ultimately reach that point too? My mother says that even by next year, he'll have changed so much. I agree, but I simply feel like I'm losing my resolve. I want to be able to tell my partner something exciting or amazing that I did without dissolving into tears because he's so completely uninterested in conversation, it feels like. I want to be able to tell my partner something exciting and have him share in it with me, not be sitting and stirring in his own foul mood because something work-aroundable (again, the mask) has "ruined his entire week." I want to feel loved because he loves me, not feel unloved because he's too depressed to express it. I understand that this is the hardest thing he'll ever go through and he's only now starting to re-plant his feet (probably has been since he started school in September), but even with that knowledge, I feel like he and I are at two completely different ends of the spectrum with regards where we are emotionally. My default mood is contentment. My initial response to something going wrong is no longer the world is ending.

This isn't a new feeling. I simply don't know what it's telling me or maybe I do and it's a matter of how ready I am to listen to it. But when faced with this type of decision, where the options are either push through it or end it, how do you decide? Especially when the depression is over a massive life-altering event of losing a mother and having to move out and care for your younger brother, who isn't letting you move forward in some necessary ways, such as getting a job? That alone would make me feel like a bad person for leaving, and it's not that I necessarily want to leave. It's more that I'm happy. I like my life. I love what I'm doing with it. I'm excited for the future and all the possibilities. My SO isn't there yet, and sometimes I feel like it's keeping a door locked that I desperately want to wrestle open.


tldr;

But when faced with this type of decision, where the options are either push through it or end it, how do you decide? Especially when the depression is over a massive life-altering event of losing a mother and having to move out and care for your younger brother, who isn't letting you move forward in some necessary ways, such as getting a job? That alone would make me feel like a bad person for leaving, and it's not that I necessarily want to leave. It's more that I'm happy. I like my life. I love what I'm doing with it. I'm excited for the future and all the possibilities. My SO isn't there yet, and sometimes I feel like it's keeping a door locked that I desperately want to wrestle open.

[Chickadee]

Oh honey...I could see myself writing this post. (Minus some details obviously, otherwise we would be living parallel lives and...LOL, oh dear, I need sleep)

I will write more when I'm not on my phone. I'm curious to see what others say...

But I wanted to tell you, I know exactly how you're feeling. Sometimes I feel like I have to support the emotional cycle of both my SO and myself, and lately it's been really tough: I've been extremely stressed and busy and the shift to fall depressed me more than usual, and he has been upset at me for that, stressed himself, his tendency to overreact to things, etc...

I dont think I'm making sense and I'll need to edit this on my laptop, but I really want you to know I feel you here and I'm sure there are some other people here than have been in similar situations. (((Hugs)))

[LittleBox]

It really does make you feel at your wits end when your boy is having a rough time and when you're in a chipper mood his gloom drags you down too. It hurts, and it hurts knowing that he's hurting and nothing you can do/say can fix. I can relate somewhat, my boy is adjusting to life living at uni and while I would never stop him from going out and having a good time with his friend I've been feeling a little neglected too. By the time he gets back he's tired and its either to late to catch up or I'm already in foul mood. Its something your boy has to recognise and make amends towards. Moods come and go, hopefully this will pass for both of you too.

Its definitely not easy trying to pick up the pieces and move on after the death of a loved one. It took me well over a year to accept my Aunt's death, let alone the entire healing process. I can't help thinking that his anger is probably stemming from pent up emotions tied to his mother's death and that's his form of release. While it is frustrating and may seem like butting your head against a wall, try and give him a little breathing room. I'm not saying you're smothering him but as October draws to an end maybe you could suggest some way of honouring his mother's memory. I'm sure he knows that you're supporting him 110% through this but a little gesture like that might make him feel a little better and help both of you push through.

[Haley53]

Thank you.

The thing is, I feel like this wouldn't be so bad if I were also depressed? As horrible as that sounds, when I was struggling with depression, it was easier for me to be around. It was easier for me to be there for people without necessarily needing them there for me, too, because to an extent, it provided me with a distraction. I was able to offer advice and be a shoulder for someone and generally get out of my head long enough to care about somebody else and that felt good at a time when nothing else did. But where I'm at? Things do feel good. I have found a circle to attend, a pagan/Wiccan group, and am getting more involved in that community here and in San Francisco. I am doing bellydance and salsa and I'm actually pretty good at them, despite never seeing myself as a dancer. I am exercising more often and trying new classes while sticking with the tried and true forms, and I love it. School is going well. I'm doing pretty okay this quarter and am excited for next. I got two new kittens who are absolute dolls. But I feel like these are all things you share with a partner, you would want to share with a partner, and like I can't, and while if I spoke to my SO, he would probably encourage me to share and potentially say that I'm stifling myself by not sharing, I suppose I don't see that as the case. Who wants to share your excitement about, say, getting kittens on the day you're bringing them home when your only responses are "okay" or silence? /:

[Haley53]

@commasplice: He has breathing room. None of this has been communicated to him other than me being honest about why I seemed upset. I feel like that's the issue. I have been bending to his will and his moods for an entire year on an almost daily basis, and while I have asserted certain things (such as several months ago, deciding telling me to "fuck off" was okay had to be clarified and asserted as not being okay or I would leave, because it was abusive), most times, I simply don't... say anything. I didn't talk to him about the plane ticket. I don't talk to him about him not being excited for me, like with the kittens. I give him space when he's in a shitty mood, which half the time elicits a "why aren't you talking?" even when everything I say is met with "okay" or silence. I have paid for every trip and paid for him to come out here for an escape earlier this year (which I of course benefitted from too). I have racked up massive phone bills in the past because I have been on call for him. I have done nothing but be there and give him his time and I guess that is why I'm so frustrated. I understand that grief is not a fast process. I am no stranger to it. But when is too much too much to ask for a partner?

I have several people who have told me they would have left within the first few months based on how he was treating me and my resolve is only starting to wane now. I don't feel loved because it feels like so much of the time, he's too depressed to express that he so much as cares about me, let alone actually loves me. I suppose the issue is that there's been so much breathing room that I'm starting to feel like giving him more means I'm losing who I am and my life. And I suppose I could suggest that, but his responses to those things are also so polar that I tend to avoid them unless he brings up the matter, because I never know what type of reaction I'm going to end up with, and I don't feel like I should be scared of how my partner is going to respond either.

ETA: I also want to add that of course, this isn't who he is when he's doing well. He's an extremely caring, loving, and attentive partner when he's happy/content (or even run-of-the-mill upset) and I am without a doubt in love with him and without a doubt, I adore him. That's why this situation is so difficult. I am simply feeling tired of the fact that not only do I feel like I can't share my happiness with him, but half the time I end up in tears or in a foul mood as a result of his because he brings me down from my high so easily, whether it's because it turns out I can't share it with him or he seems uninterested or whether he's ranting and saying horrible things like how the people who cancelled his order should die in a way that makes their families suffer for years. Who he is when he's grieving is not the man I fell in love with. The things he says, yeah, they scare me. When he's in a volatile mood, yes, I get scared/anxious. I don't recognise who he is half the time when he's in these moods. I don't feel like he recognises who I am. I've been through a year of this, off and on, sure, but more times on than off. How do I possibly find the strength to make it through x more months (maybe years) of this when my life is moving so quickly in what feels like an opposite direction?

[lademoiselle]

Eh, I'm really sorry to hear all this... I had no idea you guys were having such a tough time of it

I was wondering, is your SO suffering from actual diagnosed depression? And if so, is he receiving any sort of treatment for it?

[Haley53]

No, though with the DSM wanting to add grief as criteria for being diagnosed with depression in its new edition, I wouldn't be surprised if it comes out and he was diagnosed. Neither of us believe that clinical depression can be diagnosed when grief is a factor. However, I'm also not going to say that because he hasn't been diagnosed by someone with a degree, that he isn't struggling with depression around holidays and the anniversary of his mother's death. Depression is, as I'm sure you know, a large part of grief. He is not currently receiving help/treatment for it based on several reasons. He has admitted that he feels counselling could be beneficial, but time is a factor and while money is not, motivation is also. His school does not offer those services and he has a few days of the week where he's running around all day, so adding in counselling, he has said might be a little hectic and it would be hard for him to feel motivated to add it on when he already has so much he has to handle. :/

And I'm having a tough time of it because this has been consistent for about a week, like a daily occurence. We were managing better in September and honestly, up through mid-October (understandable, since his mother died on the 15th). He was extremely supportive during my cat's passing, for example, and prior to that, he was making sure to make me a commitment/priority and making me feel very loved. He's even gotten me my Christmas presents already. It's simply that I have had so much exciting happen in this past week and I have felt so disconnected from him because we really haven't spoken much at all. The quality of our conversations have been horrible because his depression has been suffocating. I think it's mostly the disconnect between so much good happening this week for me and feeling dragged down because it's such a shitty month for him, and not being able to share and him being completely absent or going out with his friends. The most loved I felt was when he came home on Wednesday and told me he loved me and I was perfect and he was drunk. Imagine how great that felt. This week really hasn't been a great week for us and I guess my resolve dies out quicker than it did when all this started. A week of it is now enough to send me plumetting into wanting to become a crazy cat lady for my entire life.

[LittleBox]

That's not horrible sounding at all. You've pretty much nailed it. "Happy" is a foreign emotion for me and I find myself on a happy high I always find something or another to bring me down because it doesn't feel right. I prefer to thrive on distractions and focus on the problems others are having rather than my own which makes it seem almost like I have a purpose. It would be easier to be there for him and support him through his lows if you weren't bursting with happiness but its great that you're taking steps towards being genuinely contented If he were receptive perhaps some of your positive energy would rub off on him.

Has he only been this way since his mother's passing? Has he talked to some sort of grief councilor?

You've mentioned that he would encourage you to share, try talking to him about his curt responses and the plane tickets. Maybe he doesn't even realise that his behaviour is hurting you the way it is. Maybe its just something else he's blocking out because you're silently accepting it all. You're right, you shouldn't be holding back from telling him how you're feeling for fear of his reaction. Write out what you want to say to him and do it calmly. You might not get the response you want initially and you might be met with the same silence or "okay" or "you're right" and that's it but give it some time. After some rambling conversations (on my part) and a couple of emails to my boy this week to which I got virtually no response to I decided I wouldn't bring anything up and leave it to him as a sort of wait and see where this was going. I woke up this morning to a message from him apologising for what he's put me through. It might take a while for it sink in for your guy too but when he is faced with the reality that he could potentially lose you over his behaviour he'll snap out of it.

[Haley53]

I can try, but I guess a part of me feels like I've exhausted that option too? When I visited, I completely broke and told him everything. I asked him when is it my turn to be taken care of, to be treated like I'm human, to feel loved in this relationship, to feel appreciated, because I've been there through every "fuck off" and every time he's told me he's hated me and every time he's stopped talking to me simply because he "felt like it." He cried over it. He apologised for it. He said he never meant to hurt me that way and wishes it never happened, but while I can certainly say he hasn't said such horrible things in months and while like I said to lademoiselle, we did have a time where he was making me feel loved/appreciated, this month, I feel, inhibits him from doing it. I will probably end up having a talk with him at some point, but I went into October leaving seriousness at the door (beyond what happened with my cat). I simply didn't realise it would be this hard or that our moods would clash this much. :/

He hasn't spoken to a grief counsellor, but yes, he has only been this way since his mother's passing. A lot more than simply that has happened, so it's understandable why his feelings are the way they are. It's simply that now they're starting to effect my general happiness. Even a year ago, I wasn't this happy. And my positive energy has rubbed off on him at times, such as when he has been able to listen to me gush about my kittens, but as you said, that involves his reception to it, and when he's depressed, he's very rarely receptive and would rather dwell on worst case scenarios that haven't even come true yet, whereas I tend more to bitch about it and then try and find a solution. It's honestly the diffference between someone whose life circumstances are stable and someone's whose aren't, but I've never felt like they've clashed in such an ugly way before this week... and maybe it's simply because the first anniversary provokes almost as much depression as when it first happened, and it's hard to deal with all over again.

[Kanga]

I'm sorry to hear things going like that for you. I suffer from depression, and quite frankly I do not know how my SO handles me at times, because I'm MOODDDDY as hell. I try not to say anything that would hurt his feelings or could possible make him upset. To me it sounds like he never fully dealt with his mother's death, like talking it out or just crying whatever he needed to do to just let it out. Maybe a grief counselor would be his best bet? Maybe try talking to him and saying listen we need to talk about insert this and that make a list of things that you'd like to talk about and just lay it out, that helps me sometimes. As far as saying "fuck off" and that he hates you that's inappropriate and shouldn't be said to begin with, although it could be emotions at the moment. I'm not fan of suggesting breaks, I'm actually against them, but do you think that would help you two?

[lucybelle]

I don't get cookies because I did not make it all the way through... BUT. This is something my mom told me a long time ago that I totally live my life by:

Surround yourself with positive people.

[Haley53]

Those were things he said immediately after it happened. He no longer says them and hasn't for several months. I agree that they shouldn't have been said to begin with, which is why I made sure to assert that they were unacceptable, but I'm also aware that he did not mean them and it's comparable to the amount of physical fights my mother and I had after her mother passed and she slipped into an even worse depression than my SO... He already called for a break immediately after his mother passed away (we were on break for a month due to his abusive father trying to weedle in for the mother's life insurance, my SO and his brother being homeless and living with various family, my SO having to handle all the funeral arrangements, etc.) and while I wouldn't say it helped us, I can also say it didn't hinder us. I did, however, decide that I would not do it again, primarily because I don't believe in them. :/

It's possible he hasn't fully processed through his emotions, but I'm also aware that anniversaries are hard. I have yet to see people who have not completely fallen apart during the first and sometimes even second year anniversaries of deaths of people they were extremely close to, and same with holidays. It's generally something you're processing for years, and grief is something that never fully goes away; it simply gets easier to cope with. However, this is the first time this particular trigger will have come round and therefore, it's also the strongest in which that trigger is going to manifest itself.

My understanding of his position and this situation also adds a level of difficulty when it comes to deciding what to do, simply because I get it. I have been through this before. I understand grief on a very personal level. My mother can help clarify where I can't. It's simply a matter of not being sure how long this is going to last and whether or not I'm going to be able to continue dealing with it as strongly as I have, in part because so much has happened but also because I only recently started getting a glimpse of what it was like to be seen as a girlfriend again and now it's gone, and I simply want to pull away out of frustration and give up on a situation where it may not be consistent for at least another year... :/

[Haley53]

@lucybelle: That's what I'm struggling with now. I don't believe in abandoning people because they're going through a hardship. No one is going to be positive 100% of the time. But I guess I feel like I've been doing this for a year, it was getting better, but now the anniversary of his mother's death has brought us back to square one, and what happens if he doesn't bounce back? What happens when this happens again at Christmas time, because Christmas can be a massive trigger? I guess it's getting to the point where I'm drained of it because even if I'm aware it's a slow and taxing process, and even more so for him, I am also at such a different place in my life emotionally and as far as stability goes... I want someone to share in my life with me and be able to be excited when I hop online and have something to tell them, not have to worry about what mood he's in because it's this month or that holiday. I love him, but I feel less like a girlfriend than I feel like his depression is a girlfriend, and while it may be the month, because things really were better for the past couple months, I simply am wondering if this is too big and bitter a pill to swallow.

[Haley53]

Going to close the thread now. Anyone who wants to PM me can. I have been given a lot of food for thought and I have a lot to think about/consider. Thank you all for the help. I'm not sure what my activity will be like on LFAD as I think this through, but I'll try and be around still.