Emotional unbalanced.

[Skylar]

Ok. I need some help everyone. I am almost crying right now so I will keep this short.
I don't really know how to start, but here we go.
Basically the only reason why me and my SO is back together is because I decided to give him a 3rd chance (this is after he triggered me a very personal question) and I really think in the process I gave in and said okay we can get back together.
However, my best friend in the whole world thinks that I have been too nice on him, and I kinda believe her. I love him, but then again...oh what's the word I am looking for... I don't? I don't know, it's an emotional thing I am sure we have been through before.
I honestly think I got back together with him was because I missed someone telling me that they loved me, which is rather sad now that I think about it.
But now, I am stuck between what my friend believes is a toxic relationship, and what I think may or may not be the real deal.
What do I do? I don't want to loose my friendship or relationship with either of them.

[Haley53]

May I ask why your friend feels your relationship is toxic? And why you have to give him a 3rd chance? What did he do to blow it the first two times?

Defining more about the nature of your relationship might help us help you a bit better.

[kittyo9]

Generally, a 3rd chance is too nice. If the same thing broke you up before, it's probably going to happen again, but that is assuming that the first and second times were similar.

You seem pretty unsure about this relationship, and I'd rather you be sure you want to be in it. Maybe you might want to spend some time apart and see if it is because you love him or because you just miss him. It is definitely hard to be "alone", without someone to lean on all the time, but it can end up being a crutch, and you might need to find a way to stand on your own before you let someone back into your life like that.

Often, our close friends are the ones who really see what's going on, as we're often either caught in the middle of things or afraid to admit to ourselves what we know to be true. I might talk about it with her without ruling out anything she says to understand how she feels about it. You don't have to agree, but it at least shows that you value her opinion.

Just some thoughts.

[Amelia]

i agree with the above two comments...before anyone can give proper advice it would be better if we understood the circumstances for a 3rd come back as well as the reasons behind the suggestion of a toxic relationship.

I do think that close friends are able to see what we ourselves cant considered we are so caught up in powerful emotions, however that does not mean that i will 100% take my friends opinions. Of course when people break up the first thing they miss is the idea of someone loving them and telling them how much they love you, how beautiful you are etc.

I think when it comes to the idea of toxic relationships, most people blame the other person, however sometimes it is actually our fault, its our insecurities that can cause us to react and act differently..

[Skylar]

The first time we broke up, if you could call it that (Its was more of a break really) was in late August. I was considering my gender identity, and have been for a while. When we broke up, I identified myself as transgender; and of course I had to tell him. So I did. He told me that he would call me by my preferred name,, but would not use my preferred pronouns. In the end he basically said he still loved me, however he wouldn't really accept me as what I accepted as my gender identity, until he came to complete understanding of what it meant. Break period.
We got back together about a week and a half later, after he messaged me on facebook. He told me that he kinda understood about my gender identity, and would like to learn more about it. I accepted that, after all wouldn't you be a little freaked out that your partner's gender wasn't what you thought it was? It went smoothly until mid October, we was more and more used to having each other's company, and really thinking about what the future had in store for use. One night we was skyping, and we was quiet for about 3 minutes and then he asked/typed a really awkward question, in my opinion, and I quote him: "i really don't want to overstep some boundaries, but would you ever send me explicit photos of yourself?" to me that was a warning sign, and it did way overstep my boundaries. I told him that yes, that did overstep my boundaries. We was quiet for about 45 minutes after that, I was frustrated, I believe he was embarrassed, both over one question. Finally later that night he told be me that he still loved me, and I simply said "Okay." I really didn't know what to put, I was embarrassed, mad, hurt. After I typed that I logged off. Break period/broke up.
The break lasted about 2 days, mainly because I logged back on to call my friend, he caught me online, and apologized, saying that he was an idiot for asking such a question, and that he really wanted to stay with me. I gave in, I couldn't believe I was giving him another shot, since I usually only give most people 2. I did miss him telling me that he loved me, which is selfish, really. We got back together. It started off easy going, and I really did enjoy the company. I made an account on here, and started to make travel plans to visit him, really thinking that we could make this work out, but I still had a weird feeling that it wouldn't and I should gave him another chance. We talked about our future together again, we even talked about our idea wedding, he told me he would love me to be his wife. yes. that is what caught me the most. not that he wanted to get married, but that he wanted me to be the female partner, even though he was using my preferred name, and he knew I was still unsure what I was even identify myself as. I didn't pay no attention to it, really and just continued with our conversation.
Then the conversation happened between my friend about my relationship being toxic, and we are back to the topic of the conversation.

[Romeo s Juliet]

The first time we broke up, if you could call it that (Its was more of a break really) was in late August. I was considering my gender identity, and have been for a while. When we broke up, I identified myself as transgender; and of course I had to tell him. So I did. He told me that he would call me by my preferred name,, but would not use my preferred pronouns. In the end he basically said he still loved me, however he wouldn't really accept me as what I accepted as my gender identity, until he came to complete understanding of what it meant. Break period.
We got back together about a week and a half later, after he messaged me on facebook. He told me that he kinda understood about my gender identity, and would like to learn more about it. I accepted that, after all wouldn't you be a little freaked out that your partner's gender wasn't what you thought it was? It went smoothly until mid October, we was more and more used to having each other's company, and really thinking about what the future had in store for use. One night we was skyping, and we was quiet for about 3 minutes and then he asked/typed a really awkward question, in my opinion, and I quote him: "i really don't want to overstep some boundaries, but would you ever send me explicit photos of yourself?" to me that was a warning sign, and it did way overstep my boundaries. I told him that yes, that did overstep my boundaries. We was quiet for about 45 minutes after that, I was frustrated, I believe he was embarrassed, both over one question. Finally later that night he told be me that he still loved me, and I simply said "Okay." I really didn't know what to put, I was embarrassed, mad, hurt. After I typed that I logged off. Break period/broke up.
The break lasted about 2 days, mainly because I logged back on to call my friend, he caught me online, and apologized, saying that he was an idiot for asking such a question, and that he really wanted to stay with me. I gave in, I couldn't believe I was giving him another shot, since I usually only give most people 2. I did miss him telling me that he loved me, which is selfish, really. We got back together. It started off easy going, and I really did enjoy the company. I made an account on here, and started to make travel plans to visit him, really thinking that we could make this work out, but I still had a weird feeling that it wouldn't and I should gave him another chance. We talked about our future together again, we even talked about our idea wedding, he told me he would love me to be his wife. yes. that is what caught me the most. not that he wanted to get married, but that he wanted me to be the female partner, even though he was using my preferred name, and he knew I was still unsure what I was even identify myself as. I didn't pay no attention to it, really and just continued with our conversation.
Then the conversation happened between my friend about my relationship being toxic, and we are back to the topic of the conversation.

I am sorry if i m coming off as mean, but well i think your partner is not wrong here. of course yes he did cross some "boundaries" according to what you belive in, but
it is you that needs time to explore yourself and find out what you want to be, what you are comfortable being. he is a guy, and he naturally expects you to take the female role, which is very very fair from his viewpoint. I think you are being a bit panicky and undecided. i think you should take some time off to decide what you are comfotable with. getting back together with him has not helped what you want to find out about yourself, and you are doing a huge disservice to him as well by pulling this relationship forward.

and btw, you say that you are stuck in between what your friend believes, and what you think of this relationship? why let someone else s judgement affect your relationship? its your relationship, not hers, so decide what YOU want to do. and do it
good luck!

[Verojoon]

I am glad you gave more detail... Because I think you will be able to get a lot of insight from other members...

As someone with very little experience with transgender issue, I will give my opinion... It may or may not help.

If my SO was to tell me that he identified as a woman more than a man, it would really throw me for a loop. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be with him... there is more to being with someone you love than gender... but as it is something I have so little experience with, it would prompt a lot of thinking on my part. It's not an easy thing to deal with... not because it's a bad thing, but because it is so different from everything I know and all my expectations of what my relationship should be like.

Of course only you can know for sure, but from your descriptions, I wouldn't think of your relationship as toxic. It sounds to me that you two have a lot of adjustments that you need to go through to be comfortable in your relationship. To be honest, I also don't think it is that bad that your SO has asked you for explicit photos. It is fine that you weren't comfortable with it... and I know that when you love someone, it is difficult to say no to them, and it can make you a little resentful for asking, but don't you want him to be comfortable to say what he wants? Now, if he had continued pushing after you said you weren't comfortable, that is a different story! As far as when he talked about marriage and referred to you as his wife, I seriously don't think that is out of lack of respect for your gender, but more out of habit.

In the end, only you can know if this relationship is toxic or not, but, from your description, I would look at your own reactions. Could you be over-reacting? It is sad, but it is a reality that in our society, transgender is still not a social norm, so even if he is really trying to accept you and love you for who you are, he may slip up... not because he can't accept it, but because it probably isn't what he is used to. Wouldn't it be possible to discuss with him these things, or even joke about them instead of breaking up with him or jumping to conclusions.

For example:

Him: I would love you to be my wife one day.

You: Really? Because I imagined you to be the one barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Maybe we can take turns! I'll be the wife on Sundays and you be the wife every other day!

(or some other way of joking around about it... this can help him get more used to your way of thinking without being too intense all the time)

Also, remember, compromise is important in a relationship. Talk about what you can and can't accept and ask the same things from him. Everything should not be only on your terms. He is half of the relationship. Now if both of you have things you can't accept that don't align and you won't compromise on it... it may be better to move on from the relationship... but it doesn't mean it's toxic.. it just means you weren't compatible.

Good luck!

[Haley53]

I agree with Verojoon.

I feel as though you may not be in a position where you can be in a relationship. You've said you're still struggling with your gender identity and attempting to figure it out. He was honest with you and while maybe choosing not to use your preferred pronouns was a little bit ignorant, he also admitted to not understanding. While it may be true that you have empathy for someone struggling with similar gender issues, and might not have responded the same way, you have to look at it from the perspective of someone who has not struggled with those issues and who may not be educated on what it means to be transgender. My open-mindedness towards it and nonchalance towards people coming out has come from years of associating with a variety of people on the internet, becoming educated about the variety of struggles that people face, and having questions answered by people who are transgendered. I was, too, at one point ignorant about it. It's also important to note that men, on average, seem to have a harder time with alternative gender/gender roles/etc. This, of course, varies from male to male, but because of the way we socialise our men, they can sometimes have a harder time coming to terms with it. He might be wondering what would this mean for him? Would it mean he was gay? What if you decided to go through with transitioning from a female to a male? There are a lot of things your partner also has to consider and though his way of stating his need for understanding was a little bit harsh, I feel that that's either something you work towards understanding together, or you branch off and seek your identity on your own.

As far as him asking for explicit pictures, again, I feel like you might have jumped the gun. He admitted that he might have been crossing boundaries, but sex is a part of a healthy relationship, even a LDR. If you weren't comfortable with it, all you needed to say was that it crossed boundaries because you weren't currently comfortable with it. He could apologise and you could both move on. Sometimes one partner is more ready sexually than the other. In my case, it was me who was more ready than my SO, but when he expressed that he was uncomfortable with the idea of going on cam for me (we had toyed around with the idea), I told him that that was fine and if he needed anything from me to help him feel more comfortable, to let me know (and alternatively, to let me know if something I was doing was making him uncomfortable) and if not, I would wait until he was ready. End of discussion. It didn't warrant a break/break-up.

I do feel that if you continue to pursue this relationship, you need to work on communicating with your partner. He's communicated with you and while he might need to work on communicating his thoughts/feelings more effectively, I don't see where the intention behind anything he said was wrong or even coming out of anything more than curiosity or a want to pursue a different part of the relationship (sexual). You've thrown at him that you aren't the gender he's known you as and that you currently have the anatomy of, and he's going to have to come to terms with that. It might take him time to transition into thinking of you as male versus female, and perhaps him saying that he wants you to be his wife is dealing with his own confusion. Like I said, he's going to have to think about what this might mean for him, especially if you end up transitioning/becoming less confused and deciding that you really are male. It may seem closed minded and ignorant, because there is more to love than gender, however, he may not be prepared to deal with being married to a man and you'll have to accept that. That said, I think you need to be patient because sometimes acceptance does not come immediately. Sometimes things take time to mull over. But it sounds like you don't communicate with him at all. You shut him out and then break-up with him until he grovels and you decide it's time to give him another chance. If you do want to pursue this relationship, I would genuinely consider being more open with him and communicate with him before you jump to a break to gain a +1 on him.

That said, if you're so confused you can't decide whether you want this relationship, what gender you are, and, additionally, only took him back because you miss having someone say they love you, I would say that maybe this is a point in your life where you need to take some time to be single and figure yourself out. That's the only way in which I can see this relationship would be toxic for you, because the more energy you expend breaking up with him and not communicating and ultimately, ending up more confused as a result, the less time and energy you have to take care of yourself. However, if you do continue with this relationship, I urge you to start working on communicating more, because I actually don't see this relationship as being fair to him when you break-up with him every time he communicates something to you that you don't like....

[Tooki]

The girls have already said most of what I wanted to say.

I'm a guy, and your SO went about asking for explicit pictures in a good way (especially for a male). He asked, you said that you felt uncomfortable and he accepted it. You went overboard in that regard, because he only asked you. He didn't pressure you or tried to make you feel guilty. From what you have said about him, he has been pretty good during the whole relationship. It's hard to empathise with a transgender person when you don't have the same perspective (I would know myself).

Assess whether you can be in a relationship or not. Your SO seems willing to try to adjust, but you need to give him a fair chance at doing that.

[jleec24]

I have somewhat experience within the LGBT field, including the transgender area as I have a few who are my friends. I've seen this happen before, quite a few times. You have just come to accept your gender identity but the subject matter is still sensitive for you. At this stage labels and stereotypes are still very much off-limits coming from other people specially because you yourself don't quite know or have figured out what it is you would identify yourself as, am I right?

I don't think the relationship itself is toxic, I think you are just going through a really confusing time and he is just a little bit uneducated when it comes to the subject. You could break it off with your SO and try to figure out your sexuality but trust me, figuring it out will take quite some time. I have seen people figure out their sexuality whilst in a relationship but with this came extensive communication and educating each other as much as possible. If you would like to stay in this relationship, you must educate him. You must sit down and have a serious conversation with him and tell him that this is a very personal subject matter for you and you would rather be called your preferred pronouns are opposed to the ones he calls you, you'd rather he stays within a safe distance from certain subjects (explicit photos for example), so on and so fourth. Explain to him what you're comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with. What you like and what you prefer as opposed to what you don't. Then you both can educate yourself (preferably you first and then you can teach him) about the general gender identity, transgender people and transformations. So on and so fourth. I would like to share with you some piece of information that might be comforting, this is not a choice, you were born this way and there is nothing whatsoever that is wrong with that.

My best friend was born a female but is currently a pre-operation transgender male. He is my best friend and I have never treated him anything short of being a male. Whether its tackling each other or having beers together or sleepovers or just in general conversation. I have learned to accept that because in the end to me labels and stereotypes do not matter, if a person knows that this is what they are you cannot doubt them. You can only love them for who they are on the inside and be as supportive as possible because the next few years are going to be TOUGH. My best friend also has a girlfriend, he looks very much like a male so she never suspected otherwise. Half way through the relationship he got drunk and she took of his clothes and found out otherwise. When she informed him that she knew, they sat down and just had a long talk about all the things I mentioned earlier. He explained sexual activity would have to come later on when he is a little bit more comfortable and she told him that it's okay, she'd do whatever to ensure him that she loves him regardless and she never saw him as anything short of a boy. Not even in that moment where she found out. Now they are still together, sexually active and I think are a beautiful couple.

Now people like his girlfriend are very few but I wanted this story to give you a little bit of hope that people like that ARE out there and it might be your SO and you might regain feelings for him that you so desired if he was more educated and could be like that. You just have to have a really really long talk with him in where you both are very honest with each other. I wish you the best of luck and please feel free to contact me if you need any more help.