Failing...

[Chickadee]

My SO and I have been fighting almost constantly for the past month (more?) and I'm tired of it. It's draining me. I think it is the distance getting to us, I know some of it could be resolved if we could be together, but that is impossible right now. I love my SO so much, and I don't want to give up, but I know it's unhealthy and I should not have to go to sleep angry or crying and hurt...he shouldn't have to, either. I've done so much for this man, my best friend, as has he for me, and I don't want to lose him...

Last week, I met an absolutely fascinating guy. He has a girlfriend - I met her and like her, too. But meeting him...it was so refreshing. It reminded me of when I met my SO - I hate to admit it, but maybe even better in some ways. I feel like I can tell him anything and he seems genuinely interested. We agree on so many things and even those we don't, we have interesting conversations on. The other night, he invited me to go out with some other friends of his and we had a blast, it was so nice to have fun and I got to meet some new people. I came home, happy and wanting to share the good mood with my SO, but he came at me with an argument about pictures I hadn't sent him directly (they were on Facebook). I'm so frustrated. I wouldn't go after the new man I met (he has a girlfriend and obviously I'm still in a relationship) and I prefer not to think I'd just leap right into something with someone else...but meeting this new guy has got me thinking...I could find someone else like him. Someone who I won't fight with over petty things, who will be my friend and "more," who will support me and allow me to support him...and, to be honest, someone here. Or at least closer. 22 hours away sucks. (I know it's nothing compared to many of you, though!)

I saw a quote today (when reading about socioeconomic change but obviously that's not what I was thinking about): "Nothing happens until the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change."

I'm simply confused and frustrated and I want so badly for my SO and I to be happy...even if that doesn't mean 'together.' Even typing that is making me cry, but it is what everyone deserves, in my opinion. I love him, I love his family...but I feel like I'm failing to fix this relationship myself. I don't want to let him go. I'm not sure what I'm trying to achieve with this post, I'm sorry if it sounds like a total pity party...but no one else will understand - I don't know anyone that's been in an LDR.

[Zephii]

I'm not sure where to start with this one.

I guess the very first question is: Is there so much hurt between you that you don't think this relationship can be saved, or couldn't be bothered putting in the effort to do so?

Obviously, if the answer is no, then there's probably still hope. You need to figure out what the arguments are actually about. For example, is your SO genuinely upset about you not sending photos directly to him for some reason, or if there a deeper underlying issue - like having felt neglected for a while and this was just what set him off?

Once you find out what the issues actually are, you can work on fixing them (or you'll know that it's time to call it, one or the other)

I can't really suggest anything good, because I don't know what the problems are. Sorry about that.

What I can tell you is the grass often looks greener on the other side, especially when you meet someone who's flaws you have not discovered yet. There are burrs and bugs and twigs hidden in every patch of grass, but you don't tend to see them tell you step on them.

[Gurl]

I'm not sure where to start with this one.
What I can tell you is the grass often looks greener on the other side, especially when you meet someone who's flaws you have not discovered yet. There are burrs and bugs and twigs hidden in every patch of grass, but you don't tend to see them tell you step on them.

This is the truth...Don't throw away something because you miss how it was. If it can't be saved then that's a whole other story. But if it can AND its worth the effort, then go for it....grab your happiness and run with it--and if it includes your SO still, make sure he knows it. All will work out for the best, that's a part of the universe's grand plan for us all.

[Chickadee]

Ha, yes, of course the grass isn't always greener. I do think I'm just missing not being caught up in argument.

The fighting is not just because of things like pictures - it started out with trust issues, jealousy that I would go out and do things with friends/for school or work though I always encourage him to do the same, and both of us feeling down about being far apart and not knowing the next time we'll see each other. However, as much as I have (and he has, too) tried to resolve things, it has turned into a snowball allowing for petty things to get in the way... "I saw those pictures on your page, how come you never sent them to me?" or "You don't talk to me enough during the school/workday". (which, honestly, I found ridiculous - I'm trying to be respectful, learn, and work; there are few opportunities where one can text/call while doing their job...)

Obviously it won't always be peaches and cream. It's probably silly of me to think about other possibilities at this point, but I'm tired of being treated this way, and tired of feeling like I'm letting him down by not "kissing it and making it better."

ETA: interesting call on SO feeling neglected. I think this is an issue for sure. He works hours that are not very compatible with mine. I have been scheduling things for times when he is working or going to be busy and communicating with him as often as I can, initiating times for "us" etc. Sometimes, as we all do, I have commitments that come in the way of 24/7 engagement however...

[kaybalagbis23]

Hey chickadee,

I totally know where you coming from, its so refreshing to hear that i am not the only one going through very similar issues. Its really hard I know. My SO is doing the same thing to me. But last night we did something I suggested, maybe this will help. My SO and I decided to write each other and email expressing or feelings and issues we have with each other. This allowed me to truly express myself and open up to him with out the back and forth arguing. I allowed him and I to see the big picture, to get a better understanding of each others needs and wants. It gave me a chance to see what goes through his mind without him overwhelming me with his questions and attitude. After doing that he has a better insight of how Iv been feeling and why iv been acting different with him. I feel like we are at a better place so far.

Also, I know you find refuge with this guy friend with a gf, But opening up to a male friend emotionally is a little bit dangerous. You should be giving that opportunity to SO :/. Thats one thing you can also mention in you email . Let me know how it goes... Good luck!

[NikkiDeAnn75]

I have to remind my SO every once in a while that NO relationship is great all the time. It takes work. We will fight on occasion. He'll annoy me and I know I'll annoy him. But, our relationship is worth the work. You'll have to decide what you want. Is your relationship worth fighting for? That's the decision we all have to make. LDR is hard, emotionally and mentally. We have to work through things the people around us in CDR don't have to work through, and our friends and family don't always understand our concerns. That was one of the reasons I joined this sight. It's great to talk to people who have the same issues and concerns. Good luck and I hope you figure out what you want to do.

[Sora1101]

The only way to save a relationship is to discuss the problems and work them out together, if you feel like it's too much work or your SO won't put the effort in then I'd say it's best to end it, no matter how long you drag it out nothing will change if you both don't actively pursue change.

As for the other guy, for now I'd say don't go out with him by yourself, this will help make sure you both don't do something you'd later regret.

[hrp2007]

Talk to your SO if you think it's worth saving and see what you can come up with.

[Chickadee]

Hi all. We were not resolving issues despite my efforts to talk and our arguments kept getting more and more vicious...so we're now on an indefinite break. It's been tearful...but I've been less stressed; able to sleep. I know that he has finally done some things he had been procrastinating on before. So far, it's been good for us. I don't know if we will reunite in the end. I've been doing some self navigating. I still love him, of course. Quite frankly I love the idea of a shorter distance AND I don't want to keep him from meeting someone who won't fight like we have been, and, maybe, is nearby. Time will tell.

[NathanS]

I wish you both the best of luck

[ashdav2010]

Hugs to you, doll! Splitting is never easy, hopefully things work out for you!

[lademoiselle]

I'm sorry, I hope everything works out for the best though. Good luck, and take care!

[dukes2011]

Sorry to hear about that, but I'm glad you looked at what was best for both of you. Best of luck and take care!