New here,fighting lots-longwinded

[Darrinzgirl]

Hi there,
I have just stumbled on the forum while surfing and thought it could be a good place to check out.

I met SO on FB as we hijacked a mutual friends status one day. I was in a horribly mentally abusive marriage for 13 years at the time and he was 3 years into a relationship with a girl he no longer loved, but as she was significantly younger than him, he felt responsible as a caretaker.

Our relationship was completely innocent. It was strictly BBM and FB chats, but my husband, while he knew about him, and I was completely honest, was enraged and forbid me from speaking to him. Since it was the only social outlet I had, I disregarded and continued out conversations.

We would joke around all the time. I would ask when he was going to stop babysitting, and he'd ask when I was going to stop being a doormat for abuse. 2 months into talking, my system started shutting down. I've had terminal cancer for 6 years, but have fought hard and am pretty healthy considering.. But they thought they were losing me. My douche husband spent little time at palliative with me, so I was alone Alot. My texts didn't make a lot of sense as I was so medicated, and one night, my SO came to meet me. Again, completely innocent. We talked for hours and he left.

Somewhere along the line after I got out, I noticed he was no longer on my FB and I no longer had a BB, So I didn't have him there either. We went afew months without talking as I assumed his gf found out and got involved, and he assumed my husband took my phone.

Fast forward. I got a job in the next city over, which was the city he lived in, and I took a chance. I tested him and said I now worked by him. He replied overjoyed to hear from me. We made a coffee date. At this point my marriage was even worse than before. I despised my husband, but was trying to stay for the kids.

We went for coffee, I told him my issues he told me he had left his gf months ago.
I went home that night, husband and I had a HUGE fight, completely unrelated. I was done. It was the last straw. I saw my counselor the next morning and she said I didn't have to stay.. There were other options. She gave me a list of transition houses. I decided I was leaving. I called the transition houses, but their rules were so strict I'd have to give up my job. I ended up calling SO and he told me I was staying with him. Completely platonic. I caved, and started living with him.

I had NO desire to get into another relationship. I had to heal, and deal with aftermath.. But it was instant. He told me he fell in live with me that night at the hospital. We talked and talked for weeks. We were AMAZING together. Best Friends and now partners.

It wasn't easy. My ex is a class one a hole who still a year and a bit later controls my life and finds anyway he can to punish me, but SO has been by my side through it all. He is truly my knight in shining Armour.
Within 3 weeks of being together he was injured at work and in compo. He had a serious back injury and was off for a year. We were together every waking moment. Have never spent a night apart.

In September, the insurance company told him they were retaining him, and the course is 5 hours away. It's winter here and the hwy you take to get to where he is, is high altitude and treturous in the winter.
We're flat broke. Struggling to make ends meet and about a month before we knew he was leaving wr had started having a lot of really small fights about stupid, insignificant things.
I think he was depressed about being out of work. He had put on some weight too... Just generally become less engaged in life.

We are both VERY sensitive, emotional people, and defensive, so it doesn't take much and we are in one of these fights.

He's on his third week away. So far we've managed to see each other every weekend, but we gave one decent fight while he's home, and typically fight the Mon and Tues after he leaves via Skype or text. Wed-Friday is usually good and super lovey dovey.

Our fight this past weekend was a dozey and I thought that was going to be it for us.
We managed to make it through though, and I think it was finally a productive fight as we got to the bottom of some things. So I am trying REALLY hard this week and no fights so far.

He tried to start a little bit yesterday and I quickly changed the tone and told him he was being silly and joked with him and we came out of it before it escalated.
I'm worried this pattern fighting will get the best of us but hopeful it gets better over time, as the distance becomes more routine?

I've already found its easier to get through his away time, and easier to say goodbye after a visit than week one.

We have been through so much and survived, I don't want this to be what breaks ys. We are soooo amazing 90% of the time.
There is a good chance this training will turn into camp work where he's 2 on 1 off or something, so we have to learn how to do this.

Hoping someone has been where we are and can offer encouragement that it does get easier.
Sorry so long winded

[Darrinzgirl]

I know a lot if this is not hugely relevant,but hoped to provide some insight as to what we've been through to get where we are, and why the thought these little fights could kill us is so hard.

I have had people tell me it's not worth the stress but if you know the background, it is to me.

[Verojoon]

*hugs*

First off how is your health? Is the cancer in remission or are you still dealing with it? This fighting and stress cannot be good for your health!

I was married for about 10 years when I met my SO... I was also forbidden for speaking to him even though we were only friends at the time... actually this is one of the things that made us realize we had feelings for each other since stopping to talk to him was so, so hard... My marriage wasn't abusive at the time, but my ex-husband was very controlling... lol he still is... but after a few years, it is finally getting better... (My marriage did get abusive after I tried to tell him about my feelings for my now-SO in the hopes he could come up with solutions to fix our marriage since I really didn't know how to do it...) Anyways, it's a very long story, but if you ever want to talk I can relate to some of the issues you have gone through...

I think you will find a lot of support here!

[Haley53]

Have you spoken to him and asked him what his opinions are? Have you communicated this as an issue to him and asked him to help you come up with a solution for it? If not, why? If so, what has he said? That's where I would start.

The two possibilities I can see are the relationship is under a lot of stress and you both need to figure out better ways to deal with it, or maybe there was a lot that wasn't processed before jumping into a relationship with one another. It can take time to undo years of mental and emotional damage that someone has done to you, and sometimes that will come through and strain a relationship. I would say that if this is beginning to become a pattern for you, you both have to break out of the cycle of unhealthy relationships. However, I would say the first thing you need to do is talk to him about it and see where he stands, how he feels about it, and if he's as wanting and willing to break this cycle as you are.

[Darrinzgirl]

We knew the stresses we were in for. I refer to myself as "broken", and we fought being together the first several weeks..

We have BOTH brought insecurities from past relationship abuse into this relationship and we know that.

We know we are dealing with a lot more than just our own relationship issues and stresses.. That was why I gave such a long winded introduction... Because I wanted it clear that I know there are other factors at play.

It is also the major reason we are not willing to quit. We have fought SO hard this past year, through forces mist couples wouldn't in an entire marriage, and at the end of the day we are still madly in live and there for each other.

Yes, we have spoken extensively. We know we are both too reactive, too sensitive and take things too personally, so it's working through it that is the challenge.

Since the fighting is a very predictable pattern, I have to believe that it is due to the newness of the LDR.. So that's why I brought myself here instead of a site for relationship problems.

The fights we have now are always based on taking/interpreting things wrong in our communications. Texting, phone calls, etc are not the best way to convey emotions.

As I mentioned.. I was able to predict the sensitivity yesterday and turn it around.. I'm hoping I can continue this and hopefully he will follow suit.

In reading some other threads here, I do see we are not alone, and I'm looking forward to learning from those more experienced, what works.

Trust me, if I had it my way, I would have been single and dating and healing for years before contemplating a new relationship post divorce, and if someone were to tell me this story, I would share my head in disapproval, but I've learned true love.. Doesn't pick its timing.

[Anyaheirkoya]

but I've learned true love.. Doesn't pick its timing.

Ahhh...such incredible words of truth. I just wanted to give you a hug. You're been through a lot of crap, and I wish you all the best in finding some peace. Routine fighting isn't good for you, at all.
My biggest recommendation would be to utilize more video-chat communication, if most of this fights are misunderstandings. Being able to see a partner's facial expression and mood, hear the inflection in their voice...these are very valuable things.

[iHeartt]

awww *hugs* take care of yourself. I agree with above, try video chat. See if that helps out a bit.