Trouble in paradise

[Black_Halloween]

Its been a long time since I've posted anything, mostly because there's been nothing to speak about really. But last night, oh boy did he fuck up. Before I say anything, I wanna say that I don't want a debate here..i need a safe place to get out all of my feelings because everywhere else I seem to get so much hate and backlash. So, if you could please respect my opinions it would be greatly appreciated.

It really all started when we got into an argument about what happened in Washington and Colorado last night. If you haven't heard, they legalized medical and recreational use of pot. Being a hardcore straight edge girl and somebody whose been an advocate for above the influence my entire life, this really bothered me.

I vented to him about it for what it seemed like all night long, mostly because I vented on my blog page at first and I got a lot of hate for it by of course, people who spend their time smoking and got butthurt over my own opinions.

I showed him what I wrote and what did he do? He laughed because I wrote about conformity. That's basically when it started, I was hurt because he didn't take it seriously. Something that I hold very close to my heart, and he chose to laugh at it? So, I asked him why and he basically shrugged it off with an "idk", which got me even more upset. So, we start arguing and he basically drops that he's okay with medical pot, to which pissed me off even more, and shocked me. When I met him I had to fight to take pain meds for a simple headache and he's moved on this this? It lead to me hot headily saying goodnight quickly then logging off.

A couple minutes after cooling down I sent him a text message saying that It was wrong of me to leave and that I was sorry for that. He went further into detail about his new found opinion and it just kept digging the knife deeper into my chest. I thought he was the one person in the entire world that shared my views, somebody that I could lean on when everybody else was bitching at me. I felt alone, honestly. I don't know if its normal or not but that's how I felt. I told him that, trying to be as calm as possible that it was shocking and I felt like I really didn't know him anymore. Who si this person who is all of a sudden all okay with this?

He blew up when I told him I was hurt, blamed me for making him feel like a horrible boyfriend and he stopped texting me back. He left me alone when I was at my lowest point. I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up doing the same thing. He left me a message on facebook saying how sorry he was but sorry isn't enough this time. He does this with every fight we have and i'm sick of it. He broke the last of my patience that I had.

I sent him an e-mail back that forgiving him isn't going to be that easy this time around, sorry isn't going to fix anything. I said that I need a few days to myself to think about us and he needs time to think about how he acts when we fight. Its not acceptable and I won't tolerate it anymore. A girl can only handle so much crap before she's just had it. I told him that I need to re-think being with him because of his new opinion. Being anti-drug is something that's very close to my heart.

I'm just so confused right now. Sorry this is so long.

[Haley53]

All I can really say on this one is I empathise. I have a similar issue with drugs, pot included, and even alcohol. As a college student, it's been difficult meeting anyone who does not laugh at the fact I am so intolerant of, of all things, alcohol, and living in a hippie town, it's quite similar with pot. My SO does drink, but even though it's on occasion and rarely more than he can handle, I still have an issue with it. The thing is, however, that it really is very rare to find other people who have the same problem or opinion (depending on which way you choose to see it). My best friend is extremely straight edge as well, but she doesn't have as much issue as I do of being a sober sitter. I don't simply not do it, but I don't like to be around it, and I have my reasons for that. However, one has to understand that it is an extreme view and not everyone is going to share it. In fact, like most opinions on the extreme end, most people aren't going to share it. I feel like pot is one of those things where, yeah, you can find people who don't do it/disagree with the usage of it, some who disagree with it for recreation but agree with it for medical use, etc., I feel as people become more and more liberal and stop seeing it as a "drug," which seems to be the more popular opinion, you're going to have a harder and harder time for people who disagree with it to the extent that you do, especially when it comes to medical use. I do feel that that's something to consider. No one is saying you have to give up being anti-drug, and you do have to determine whether or not someone not being as anti-drug is a dealbreaker for you, but you may severely limit yourself and available choices if you decide that someone has to share the same opinions you do in order for you to be with them. I have realised that if I make it a requisite that the person I'm with cannot touch a drop to drink, I will have a really hard time finding people in this life, at least in my peer group, that I connect with and can relate to. It is one standard I have had to be a little more flexible on.

That said, it's not asking too much of him to support and, further, respect your opinion. I would be hurt if my boyfriend ever laughed at me for my opinions on alcohol, and I have been laughed at. I have tolerated people who have disagreed with laughter and sarcasm, and people who have gotten butthurt and angry. That doesn't mean I would tolerate it from my SO, simply because he's my SO. I feel like he's the one person I should be able to at least be open with without receiving any sense of mockery about something that I'm already private about because it's so unpopular. I can definitely understand why you would be hurt by it, and I would be hurt if my SO played the disappearing game, too. When my SO was going through the crux of it with his mother, he played the disappearing game a lot, and it killed me. I hated the fact that he could go off on me and then leave without letting me get a word in edgewise. He had to have the last word and it pissed me off, not because I wanted to have the last word but because he wasn't letting me have any words at all. Yes, it's a good thing to walk away from a potentially escalating argument. No, it's not a good thing to use that as a catalyst for throwing a tantrum, blaming your partner, and then leaving. That is something he's going to have to work on, and I think a part of it might be something for you two to talk about together. What do you see as acceptable when you argue? You mentioned you hot-headidly said goodbye, maybe that's something you need to work on not doing. I think one of the biggest and most helpful things my SO and I have worked on doing is telling one another when we need a break or when something has gone on for too long or even being honest and saying, "this is upsetting me. Can we revisit it later once I've calmed down?" and even if that floors the other and makes them angrier, we've agreed to simply say "okay" with no further provocation. Maybe you and your SO could benefit from something similar? It takes two people to fight but only one to end it, and ending it before he gets to the point of essentially storming off and slamming the door in your face, maybe one of you could say, "I need time to calm down."

For me, I found that my relationship wasn't worth ending because my SO drinks every once in a while. You may not feel the same way, but do understand that our SOs might not always agree on everything (my SO would have voted for Obama, for example, whereas I wouldn't have voted either which way and didn't) and might not always share the same opinions. From a different perspective, at least your SO didn't say that he's okay with recreational use, including his own. He did specify for medical use, and so from that perspective, it isn't like he's gone from straight edge to a pot smoker, and further, his believing it's okay for medical use does not mean he himself would take it. My SO has no issue with my popping pills for my headaches like I do (well, to the extent that it's unhealthy, he does, but in general, he's fine with me being medicated for them because he knows they're a problem) yet he doesn't agree with the way people overuse medication and won't take aspirin when he himself has a headache. His agreeing with my use has no bearing on whether or not he would use those pills for the same reasons. I don't think it's entirely fair to condemn your SO based on that he's okay with carefully monitored medical usage for others. I understand extreme opinions, having some of my own, but I think it's important to realise when those extreme opinions could lead to you feeling isolated and unhappy if you decide to take extreme action, e.g. cutting the people closest to you out of your life if they don't agree 100%, like your SO. It's something I found worth thinking about.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

I understand that this is a big issue for you, but freaking out at him for having a different opinion than you do wasn't okay. Why don't you try to have a calm discussion in why you both believe the way you do? Or if a discussion would always become too heated..you could just not talk about it? I doubt marijuana would ever actually impact your relationship. Why are you so afraid of him having a different opinion? Why is it so important that you two must agree on absolutely everything? I could understand you being upset if he had said that he does tons of pot or something, but all he said was that he supports the legalization of medical marijuana. I guess it's a matter of choosing your battles. I mean, if him being pro-legalization is a deal breaker for you, then it is what it is. But I'd warn against you throwing away a relationship for an issue that is, IMHO, not a big deal as far as your relationship goes.

[Black_Halloween]

All I can really say on this one is I empathise. I have a similar issue with drugs, pot included, and even alcohol. As a college student, it's been difficult meeting anyone who does not laugh at the fact I am so intolerant of, of all things, alcohol, and living in a hippie town, it's quite similar with pot. My SO does drink, but even though it's on occasion and rarely more than he can handle, I still have an issue with it. The thing is, however, that it really is very rare to find other people who have the same problem or opinion (depending on which way you choose to see it). My best friend is extremely straight edge as well, but she doesn't have as much issue as I do of being a sober sitter. I don't simply not do it, but I don't like to be around it, and I have my reasons for that. However, one has to understand that it is an extreme view and not everyone is going to share it. In fact, like most opinions on the extreme end, most people aren't going to share it. I feel like pot is one of those things where, yeah, you can find people who don't do it/disagree with the usage of it, some who disagree with it for recreation but agree with it for medical use, etc., I feel as people become more and more liberal and stop seeing it as a "drug," which seems to be the more popular opinion, you're going to have a harder and harder time for people who disagree with it to the extent that you do, especially when it comes to medical use. I do feel that that's something to consider. No one is saying you have to give up being anti-drug, and you do have to determine whether or not someone not being as anti-drug is a dealbreaker for you, but you may severely limit yourself and available choices if you decide that someone has to share the same opinions you do in order for you to be with them. I have realised that if I make it a requisite that the person I'm with cannot touch a drop to drink, I will have a really hard time finding people in this life, at least in my peer group, that I connect with and can relate to. It is one standard I have had to be a little more flexible on.

That said, it's not asking too much of him to support and, further, respect your opinion. I would be hurt if my boyfriend ever laughed at me for my opinions on alcohol, and I have been laughed at. I have tolerated people who have disagreed with laughter and sarcasm, and people who have gotten butthurt and angry. That doesn't mean I would tolerate it from my SO, simply because he's my SO. I feel like he's the one person I should be able to at least be open with without receiving any sense of mockery about something that I'm already private about because it's so unpopular. I can definitely understand why you would be hurt by it, and I would be hurt if my SO played the disappearing game, too. When my SO was going through the crux of it with his mother, he played the disappearing game a lot, and it killed me. I hated the fact that he could go off on me and then leave without letting me get a word in edgewise. He had to have the last word and it pissed me off, not because I wanted to have the last word but because he wasn't letting me have any words at all. Yes, it's a good thing to walk away from a potentially escalating argument. No, it's not a good thing to use that as a catalyst for throwing a tantrum, blaming your partner, and then leaving. That is something he's going to have to work on, and I think a part of it might be something for you two to talk about together. What do you see as acceptable when you argue? You mentioned you hot-headidly said goodbye, maybe that's something you need to work on not doing. I think one of the biggest and most helpful things my SO and I have worked on doing is telling one another when we need a break or when something has gone on for too long or even being honest and saying, "this is upsetting me. Can we revisit it later once I've calmed down?" and even if that floors the other and makes them angrier, we've agreed to simply say "okay" with no further provocation. Maybe you and your SO could benefit from something similar? It takes two people to fight but only one to end it, and ending it before he gets to the point of essentially storming off and slamming the door in your face, maybe one of you could say, "I need time to calm down."

For me, I found that my relationship wasn't worth ending because my SO drinks every once in a while. You may not feel the same way, but do understand that our SOs might not always agree on everything (my SO would have voted for Obama, for example, whereas I wouldn't have voted either which way and didn't) and might not always share the same opinions. From a different perspective, at least your SO didn't say that he's okay with recreational use, including his own. He did specify for medical use, and so from that perspective, it isn't like he's gone from straight edge to a pot smoker, and further, his believing it's okay for medical use does not mean he himself would take it. My SO has no issue with my popping pills for my headaches like I do (well, to the extent that it's unhealthy, he does, but in general, he's fine with me being medicated for them because he knows they're a problem) yet he doesn't agree with the way people overuse medication and won't take aspirin when he himself has a headache. His agreeing with my use has no bearing on whether or not he would use those pills for the same reasons. I don't think it's entirely fair to condemn your SO based on that he's okay with carefully monitored medical usage for others. I understand extreme opinions, having some of my own, but I think it's important to realise when those extreme opinions could lead to you feeling isolated and unhappy if you decide to take extreme action, e.g. cutting the people closest to you out of your life if they don't agree 100%, like your SO. It's something I found worth thinking about.

Thank you. You've given me a ton of things to think about.

[jleec24]

This post was actually a very interesting read because I am very much like you OP, I don't mind alcohol but I completely disagree with all sorts of drugs. Pot included. My SO however, is in university in the Netherlands (you can literally buy pot in some coffee shops there) and in a raging attempt to fit in and to live the university life, the opportunity has popped up and it tends to bother me a lot.

[Tooki]

I think that you overreacted at your SO, especially in regards to him not sharing your opinion. As eclaire said, you hold an extreme opinion and they are the ones which will be criticised and judged the most. On the other hand, your SO could have tried to be apathetic and at least listen to what you said and consider it when he responded, instead of sarcastically laughing at what you said. I try to do this with my GF and I feel that it brings a lot more benefits than otherwise so.

I'm also not big on using drugs (but I love to drink, how hypocritical I know) but I'm open to people wanting to do it themselves.

You should be upfront with him and ask him to be more considerate of your perspective in the future. He doesn't need to agree, but you should remind him how good it can feel to just have somebody LISTEN.

[kteire]

You want your SO to take your opinions seriously, but are you taking his seriously? My own views aside, I heartily agree with Eclaire that when you have such a polarised view, you have to be prepared for the fact that some people will very heartily disagree with you. I'm the opposite: I'm completely for the legalisation of drugs, not because I support the use of them but because I don't believe in condemning and criminalising the people who use them (who are often victims themselves!). I think it's important to bear in mind that you can be ok with something being legal but not be ok with it in practice. Like I am pro legalising drugs, but I would be upset with someone I loved using certain ones. Many people don't agree with me, but I've just had to not let it get under my skin. I can completely understand him being upset when you made such a big deal over him having a differing opinion. If you want him to respect your opinions, it has to go both ways (and I kind of got the impression from the way you said his 'new opinion' that you don't respect his views much either. Even if they're new views, they're every bit as valid and he's completely entitled to feel how he does)

I find it interesting speaking to my SO about our very differing opinions on things, so long as we can both keep a level head. If it's important to you, don't try to avoid talking about it, but don't think that you can change how he feels. My SO is a capitalist and I'm a complete socialist, but we love each other and don't let it get in the way. Things like social welfare are very dear to my heart and he doesn't agree with me, but it's not a red flag with me.

[Kristin91]

You say that you have a huge issue with smoking pot. Okay you're entitled to your opinion. But so is your SO. You didn't mention that he smokes pot, so I assume he doesn't. That assumption being made (correct me if I'm wrong on that one btw)... can you really get mad at him and re-think your entire relationship because of his opinion?

[Carenza LaRue]

I wonder why you titled your topic 'trouble in paradise'...... doesn't sound like paradise to me...

actually, it sounds like you two have hidden problems and never realised until now.
so what if he has a different opinion about something that you have? what makes it so hard for you to accept that? have you thought about that? does it make you feel insecure? if so, then why..... can you answer that to yourself?

what people above me said.... I agree with almost everything... I think it's overreacting on your side.... and I wonder what really triggered you to respond like this.

you see..... for now it's the thing with pot..... and you might think because you're so strongly against it, that's the reason why you're upset.... he doesn't value your opinion about pot.... so maybe you think in the back of your head is is not valuating you at all!...... is that a possibility?
because frankly.... this is what I 'see' here..... from yours and his side as well....

hope I made myself clear..... English is always bad when I am tired....
hope you peeps make it through......

best of luck