What does marriage mean to you?

[lucybelle]

If people weren't naive going into marriage, they'd never do it at all

No, I know. Just an example. Seeing as I'm not married, just using what I've seen or been told by people who were married. I was agreeing that there are other things including infidelity, and financial reasons. I always thought it was more infidelity than financial reasons that caused a divorce.

I always assumed it was just a general growing apart. People are very dynamic creatures. We grow and change every day. Sometimes we grow apart. It's just how it works.

I also think that our views on divorce are effected by our personal experiences with it (duh). My parents got divorced when I was 12. But it was a very civil divorce. No screaming, no blaming, no finger pointing... My parents still get along well. They're both good people, they just are different now.

[nomnom_elf]

marriage to me meant nothing as a kid- as i was one of those statistics of out of wedlock, raised 1 handedly. I still don't get the whole fever of wedding and i have actually been engaged. infact the first thing i did after getting the ring is getting cruise brochures for the honeymoon!! (thankfully that never went thro). I recently went to my friend's wedding. She and her partner blew me away with the care free happiness they had for their special day. it was pure love and magical to watch the day unfold.

i've always said that if i get married it is going to consist of cake, holiday, dress and oh yeah the groom!! everything else is just superflous. In the end its a legal contract that just solidifies your finanical standing in the world. unfortunetly like xmas its been shamelessly marketed and pricetagged in terms of "essential accessories". Though thats not to say i don't believe in marrying for love. i do; but i'd rather have a small affair and put the money to better use ... ie like that honeymoon holiday!!!!

[Kristin91]

I don't think that living together/having sex before marriage is entirely the reason that divorce rates are climbing. I think a larger part of why divorce rates are so high in today's society is because we give up trying. It gets too hard, whatever "it" is. And so, instead of dealing with our problems, we turn & run. From what I've seen, one of the number one causes of divorce is money. Maybe it's because there's not enough in the bank and too much on the cards, or in the stuff you have or whatever... but I think people are just giving up.

Yep. This!

[Zephii]

I kind of wonder why every marriage thread on this site ends up as a discussion about divorce. I'm pretty sure I didn't read the OP asking anything about what you think divorce is, or how to prevent it. It might be neater and stuff if someone goes and makes a "lets talk about divorce" thread. And then I can go and have an opinion on it, without feeling like I'm derailing this one more than is necessary

I'd also like to take this moment to say that there's a difference between having a marriage (something that last for years) and a wedding (something that lasts for one day). I believe the OP wasn't asking about the later - unless to you the wedding is the only part of the marriage you're thinking of.

I'll shut up now. Just trying to keep things neat and tidy.

[lucybelle]

I'll shut up now. Just trying to keep things neat and tidy.

Neat and tidy is for grandmas...

DERAIL!!!

[Sharon Q]

To me it's more commitment than anything. While I don't need to be married to my SO to know he is committed to me. It's more the actual taking of that step that's important to know he wants to spend his life with me and is committed by actions not just words. It's knowing that, that person will stay with me through the ups and downs, no matter what comes our way.

[Anyaheirkoya]

I have to say, people saying this really bothers me. I think the divorce rate is up because women and men are realizing that they don't have to put up with shit in a marriage. They don't have to put up with abuse. They don't have to put up with beatings. They don't have to any more. Plus, divorce is more socially acceptable now. At least in some parts of the world. Here in CR a coworker is currently going through a divorce. Her family and her ex's family have basically disowned her because they think she's ruining her life with a divorce. Can you imagine how hard of a decision that is to make? Carry on with an un happy life or be disowned by your family and society?

I really don't think it's about giving up. I think it's about self awareness. And realizing everyone had the right to be HAPPY.

Abuse is one thing. I was in no way implying that a woman (Or man!) should ever stay in a relationship with an abuser. (And yes, I'm including emotional abuse.) But barring abuse & infidelity, when you're married, you've made a commitment. You've promised to stick it out, come what may. Saying, "Oh, I'm not happy anymore..." and walking away should not be an option! (imo. This is all imo, obviously.) If you can't say 'forever' and mean it? Marriage is not for you.

Again...I'm an opinionated person, and I fiercely believe in the sanctity of marriage. I'm not trying to speak for anyone else, nor do I judge anyone else for leaving their marriage! (Usually.) I just feel that in this day and age, it's far more for show than anything else, and I don't believe the vows should be taken so lightly.

Then again, what do I know?

[LittleVari]

Abuse is one thing. I was in no way implying that a woman (Or man!) should ever stay in a relationship with an abuser. (And yes, I'm including emotional abuse.) But barring abuse & infidelity, when you're married, you've made a commitment. You've promised to stick it out, come what may. Saying, "Oh, I'm not happy anymore..." and walking away should not be an option! (imo. This is all imo, obviously.) If you can't say 'forever' and mean it? Marriage is not for you.

Again...I'm an opinionated person, and I fiercely believe in the sanctity of marriage. I'm not trying to speak for anyone else, nor do I judge anyone else for leaving their marriage! (Usually.) I just feel that in this day and age, it's far more for show than anything else, and I don't believe the vows should be taken so lightly.

Then again, what do I know?

But what if one or both of you changes? People change and life throws curve balls. What if you or your spouse fall out of love? I'm all for hoping when I get married it will be forever, I'm realistic. If I fall out of love or my husband does, there's no way I'm sticking it out. The last thing I want is to be in a loveless marriage. Sometimes things break, and it's no one's fault, and there's no fixing it.

To me marriage is the next step. It means a lot to me, and I want to do it right.

[Moon]

But what if one or both of you changes? People change and life throws curve balls. What if you or your spouse fall out of love? I'm all for hoping when I get married it will be forever, I'm realistic. If I fall out of love or my husband does, there's no way I'm sticking it out. The last thing I want is to be in a loveless marriage. Sometimes things break, and it's no one's fault, and there's no fixing it.

To me marriage is the next step. It means a lot to me, and I want to do it right.

Very well said. Living in a loveless marriage absolutely sucks the life out of you, leaving you with nothing but a gray, joyless existence. It's no way to live.

[milaya]

I don't really want to comment a whole lot on this thread, since even though I am married, I'm still not sure what marriage is. And to be honest I didn't give it much thought since we married for other reasons than the whole "highest commitment" and "sacred vows" thing. Of course when we married we also did it because it felt right and all sorts of those lovey-dovey things.

Then I just want to say that I do not think divorces has anything to do with people having sex before marriage, being more selfish or sorts things, I agree with people like Lucybelle who says that overall the society's view on divorce has become more lose and now-a-days divorce is not seen as the taboo as it once was. Basically we're free to follow our own wishes and feelings, without having to worry about our family disowning us or society throwing stones at us. I myself entered marriage thinking that it might not be to death do us apart. I'm sorry, but I just don't see such things as black and white. I can't look at statistics saying that 1 out of 2 marriages end in divorce and still think "well, I won't be part of those 50% of divorcees because I'm more serious and I love my partner more than them"... like anybody enters marriage and expects it to end in divorce...

I think this thread should keep to just discussing what marriage means to people, and not overall expectations and divorce, since people who have not yet experienced marriage should refrain from writing lecture-ish comments on how a marriage becomes a success.
I've never heard anybody wishing for a unhappy or unsuccessful marriage, but that's sometimes how life is. It's not something you can prepare for, no matter how abstinent you stay, how much in love you believe you are, how many promises you might make, how good jobs you obtains or that you have the same views of the future, because people change. I've only been married less than 2 years, but I changed! My husband changed! We changed. So far our changes still go along, but who knows what the future holds.

Abuse is one thing. I was in no way implying that a woman (Or man!) should ever stay in a relationship with an abuser. (And yes, I'm including emotional abuse.) But barring abuse & infidelity, when you're married, you've made a commitment. You've promised to stick it out, come what may. Saying, "Oh, I'm not happy anymore..." and walking away should not be an option! (imo. This is all imo, obviously.) If you can't say 'forever' and mean it? Marriage is not for you.

Again...I'm an opinionated person, and I fiercely believe in the sanctity of marriage. I'm not trying to speak for anyone else, nor do I judge anyone else for leaving their marriage! (Usually.) I just feel that in this day and age, it's far more for show than anything else, and I don't believe the vows should be taken so lightly.

Then again, what do I know?

Sorry, but why should "Oh, I'm not happy anymore..." and walking away not be an option?! Why should we keep fighting for a marriage that no longer makes us happy?! I'm not saying that people should give up as soon as the first problems or bumps in the road shows up, but if a marriage seriously makes you unhappy (even without abuse or such things) why should we have to stay unhappy? I'm sorry if my views on marriage seems cold, but I don't believe in throwing away the possible relieve and happiness a divorce and maybe a new relationship could give me in order to desperately trying to keep the fire going in a marriage that lost its' flame 10 years ago.
Like I said above, people change and a person that might have seemed perfect for us 10 years ago, might feel like a weight in our shoulders today. Why should we keep fighting for something that no longer is right. Maybe you haven't even experienced how it feels to be unhappy in a relationship.
I just don't want you to think that people who chose divorce does it as an easy way out or as their first option. You really need to consider all the people who chose divorce as their last way out and considered what they went through before deciding to throw the towel in the ring and sign those final papers. In respect of those people, don't just decide that they divorced just because the marriage made them feel less happy than it made them feel in the beginning. There's a lot more things going on in a marriage than I think a lot of people can imagine and divorce is far from the easy way out.

I'm not trying to sound like some angry person, especially since I do not have actual experience with divorce, I'm just really tired of people saying that people divorce because they're not "trying enough". When is enough, enough?!
The society today allows a lot more freedom without tying us down to old fashioned ideals of lifestyles that most people can only live up to with lies and fake smiles, we should do what we can in order to be happy. Life is way too short for feeling trapped. Sometimes things just doesn't work out. Let it go.

[Hollandia]

I don't generally want to get into it, but I left my husband because he was emotionally and in the end a bit physically abusive. I am still friendly with him but I could not stay with him. I still feel like a failure to some extent but I love my SO now, and I know he would never do that to me when we hopefully marry someday.

[Hollandia]

You definitely never go into it expecting it to fail. I didn't… and in my first marriage I was physically abused for 11 years before I filed for divorce. Can't say I didn't try. I got married again. Everything was pointed towards a wonderful life together, until I got pregnant, got sick for 8 months, had my son in the NICU for over 3 months, while dealing with PPD and PTSD. It was just too much. We cracked. No… we shattered. These situations either bring people closer to rip them apart imo. We tried - but we knew it was over. I don't want to get into that any deeper, just agreeing with Moon that you really don't know until you live it.

I am still all for marriage. For me it's about an outward symbol that proudly says, yep s/he's mine and I'm theirs! It's about having rights such as being allowed in a hospital room. It's about the promise of wanting to walk the road side by side. It's about becoming family. Even now, I consider my exes to be family and I always will. Hard to explain everything I'm thinking, since my marriages were so vastly different, and the reasons for them ending were night and day from each other. Neither soured me to it though. Definitely not.

Wow, my heart bleeds for you for the pain you must have felt when your baby was ill. I think it was the 4 days of hell in a hospital that put me over the limit with my ex when my dad was going through several surgeries to try to save him. After he died, I realized that I had to look after me or I would break too. Within a few months I told him I did not love him anymore because of the abuse.

[Anyaheirkoya]

I wasn't trying to lecture anyone. I was merely sharing my opinion, which is always subject to change. Obviously I am young, and have never been married before. But I don't have young friends. The majority of my friends are older married couples, who have been through a lot. In my faith, we marry for life. No, not everyone always sticks to that. But it's what I intend to do, happy or not. I know so many of you are probably shaking your heads and thinking how incredibly naive I am, and that's okay. I'm entitled to my belief, just are you are to yours.
I'm seriously not judging anyone (And I'm seriously regretting opening my mouth in this thread, too!), but this is what marriage means to me, which was kind of the point of the thread, no? Marriage means forever. Not just forever if everything goes smoothly. I'm not saying that to attack anybody. It's my opinion.

...And with that, I am shutting my mouth.

[LittleVari]

I know this is getting contentious, which is too bad. This is an interesting conversation. I have strong opinions too, and after seeing what my mom went through in her marriage, there's no way I'd ever stay in an unhappy marriage. It's brutal and you lose your soul. Years after her divorce from my dad, and she's still a shell. She should have left him 5 years into the marriage, not 26.

For those saying divorce is derailing this thread, that's kind of like saying we shouldn't talk about eating disorders when discussing a healthy diet. Some people define things by what they want to avoid. Marriage and divorce are too linked to tangle apart, and people bringing up their views of marriage will also talk about how they wish to create a lasting marriage, so of course other peoples views on divorce are going to enter into the conversation.

All I can say is there are a few things in life that you can't know about until you're in it. Having a kid. Being seriously ill. Losing someone close. Marriage. Divorce. I have no clue about most of these things! I know how I'd hope to react, but I can't honestly say I know what I'd do in any of those situations. I think it's fine to have ideals and goals, but it's unrealistic to think things will always be the same and to make plans based on that. Not to mention you're dealing with a whole other person whose feelings you can't control. My cousin's husband decided he didn't love her anymore. What could she do? She didn't want a divorce. But what could she do? Fight for the love of a man who didn't want her anymore? Deal with the heartbreak of living day in and day out with a man who didn't want to be near her? Therapy wouldn't help -- he didn't love her, he didn't see the point of therapy. It was out of her hands. She got a divorce.

I'm trying really hard not to judge those who think they can make a marriage last forever (after all, maybe I don't know any better either!), but I think it's unrealistic to go into a marriage never considering the possibility that you may one day end up divorced. As I said, I hope when I get married it will be forever, but there is no way I'll waste any of my precious short life on a relationship that is broken beyond repair. I feel sad for some people who think they have to lie in the bed they made if they end up in an unhappy marriage.

I do wish everyone here the best, no matter what. I hope you all have the marriages you want. I really do.

[NikkiDeAnn75]

I've been married and divorced twice, so you would think I wouldn't put that much store in marriage. I think it is a commitment to each other recognized by God, your family and friends, and society. As bad as my previous marriages were, I want to be married to my SO. I want to make that commitment to him and spend the rest of my life with him. I look forward to sharing everything with him, through the good times through the bad. I still believe in love and marriage. After watching my great grandparents, grandparents, and parents spend their lives together through everything, I hope I can one day do the same.