What does marriage mean to you?

[dizzyupthemeg]

I got married at the age of 22. My (now ex) husband and I were under a lot of pressure from family and friends, and since we had lived together for three years before we got married it just seemed like the next "thing to do." So he purposed, I said yes, and off we went. In that whole process I can't remember a time where I stopped to think about what I was doing. Our wedding was a giant party, and that is what we focused on. We never focused on what marriage actually meant to either of us or what we were actually saying to each other. Turns out we both had total opposite views of how a marriage was supposed to work. The relationship quickly became toxic and went way beyond the point of repair. The divorce was horrible, and had left me with a "never again" mindset.

While I don't still have that mindset, I'm not sure what a future marriage would mean to me. I don't want to feel pressure to enter a marriage again. These days I really do tend to look at it as a piece of paper, and I'm a firm believer I can be committed to a relationship without this piece of paper involved. SO and I don't discuss marriage because neither of us come even close to wanting it right now. We are aware that there may be a day in the future where it is the only option for us to close the distance, but we will cross that bridge when the time comes.

[snow_girl]

To me it means you are stuck with that person for the rest of your freaking life, so you'd better be sure you're making the right decision with the right person If I'm going to do it, I'm doing it once so I think it's silly to rush these things.

[lucybelle]

The premise of a marriage is a statement of the commitment that you're willing to make in the far future. Marriage also takes an amount of WORK. W-O-R-K. So the ones who expect for their marriage to have happy-filled and beautiful days, they are going to get a nasty shock.

If you can't take it, then fuck it's not for you. Go divorce and stop wasting money on something you wish can happen but cannot because you choose to be immature, extremely idealistic and frivolous about a serious stage of commitment. The honeymoon stage can only last for so long.

Geeze louise did someone have grumpy flakes for breakfast?

[digitalfever]

Marriage is an option to me but not the ultimate destination. I feel that marriages fail because the relationship was faulty even before the legal commitment.

From my perspective marriage would be an option to consider only if I knew the building blocks on the relationship before we entered a life long commitment were solid.

[ST25]

Geeze louise did someone have grumpy flakes for breakfast?

No - I'm being real. That and I've witnessed too many marriages ending in the family because of immediate feelings, only for them to find out that, in the long run, 'they aren't for each other.' So it's like, you're saying that in less than a few years you find out that this person isn't for you just because they won't change into who you want them to be? Bullshit - that's something you work out with your spouse together, not just leave it to them to figure it all out. If that's the case, then you should've thought about working out the difficulties BEFORE the marriage. I especially hate it when rocky marriages get the children involved for selfish reasons.

Yeah, sorry that I take commitments like marriages seriously. It's a two-way street and it never helps when in some marriages, when something about their spouse displeases them, it's like the end of the world for them that their partner isn't what they expected them to be after the spectacular wedding. This attitude is all too common.

[stephanieaz]

I don't think marriage is for everyone. I don't think couples who choose to get married love each other any more or less than couples who choose not to marry. To me, it's just another form of commitment. I'm making a promise that I am willing to put in the work to make our relationship last. I realize that it won't always be sunshine and roses and that's okay. I want to share the good times with him and struggle through the bad times together. He is my best friend and I can't imagine going through life without him. People are capable of having that kind of commitment without a piece of paper. Call me old-fashioned, but sharing his last name is something that is important to me.

Having been previously married and divorced (10 years ago), I didn't always think that way. There was a time where it just seemed like the thing to do after you'd been together and living together for a while. I wish I'd known then what I know now.

[squeeker]

I've grown up with the idea that marriage was the ultimate symbol of commitment, two people deciding to be together no matter what forever/the rest of their lives. When I met my SO, my ideas of marriage sort of got challenged.. because he was brought up with his mom divorcing his dad when he was young, and other people in his family, aunts and uncles, and even grandparents, got divorced.. so it made sense that he would be more wary of getting married. And it made me think about how even I have aunts/uncles/cousins who have been divorced. I really hate hearing about someone getting divorced, I know it's awkward to ask but I always wonder what happened that would have ended their marriage. I remember when we first started talking, before we were officially together, he asked me what I thought of marriage and divorce, and we both agreed on that marriage is for life.

I agreed with Malaga's comment on marriage being a formal recognization of the level of commitment between two people. I see marriage of a way of publicly announcing, to family, friends, and the legal system, that you both are officially husband and wife. Though I have come a long way from thinking marriage was the obvious answer when two people are in love, to a time of thinking where I recognize that marriage doesn't have to be the answer, the most important thing is that the two people love each other and promise to be with each other no matter what.

[ST25]

But then again, some people don't need to have a marriage to define their relationship - people like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

[digitalfever]

But then again, some people don't need to have a marriage to define their relationship - people like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

People also don't adopt the whole planet...

[Shepard-Fowkes]

For me, most of the importance of a marriage isn't to the couple involved necessarily. It's more like an official recognition and commitment that everybody else has to recognize. Visitation in hospitals and prisons, debt repayment, taxation issues, and so many other legal and monetary benefits are granted to married couples because it's "official" on the eyes of society. In etiquette, a couple is only really required to be recognized if they are married. And in my own family at least, anybody who I'm dating is just a family friend, but once I marry them they would be accepted as family. If/when I get married, I'd be doing it for the legal, societal, and familial benefits, not because I think it would do too much for my relationship as far was we're concerned.

[Malaga]

Once you're married you're legally obliged to care for each other financially (at least over here... but I guess it's more or less the same everywhere).

This is a good point too. People make a lot of fuss about prenups, but getting married is effectively signing a default prenup, your rights and responsibilities during the marriage and after it are formally acknowledged.

I don't think marriage itself is something that needs to be dramatised so much. ''It's all hard work etc." It's just a formalised relationship really, it doesn't suddenly become harder just because you signed that paper. Life becomes harder because of added responsibilities, but this has nothing to do with the fact you formalised your life together.

[XxFranticLovexX]

For me, I think, it's more of a commitment to each other and saying that you're willing to at least try having a life long commitment to that person, even if it does take work. I was raised with rather traditional values in a sense though, so I don't think I could ever go through with a wedding with someone that I had any doubts about being with or loving at all. I know that doesn't guarantee that it will work out forever, but at least I'll know that it didn't start out already broken. I also think that, for me, marriage should come before starting a family with someone. I just don't think I want to go about having a child with someone without being married to them first. If I'm going to make the commitment of making them part of my life forever anyway, I want to make sure that they are willing to at least try to do the same for me. Not to mention all of the legal aspects of it. I would be absolutely devastated if I spent my life committed to someone (without marrying them) and was denied access to medical information, hospital rooms, etc if something were to happen to them, serious or not. I'm not big on material things, so their belongings aren't really an issue here, more of the fact of being able to spend time with them when they need me there or when I feel the need to be there. The title "girlfriend" or "partner" doesn't get you very far in situations like that. This also isn't really a formal or (as far as I know) usual reason, but I also like the idea of him wanting me enough to offer me his last name as in a way of claiming "this one is mine" or something. XD

Yes, divorce rates are climbing, but I think thats due to more couples living together and having sex before marriage (statistics are showing this).

I agree with most of your post, but I don't see how this makes any sense at all. What is the difference between living together before you go through with the ceremony and contract and living together after words, other than morally or religiously? The only way that I can see that this would effect anything is that the marriage ends earlier than it would have other wise because they have already spent that time together, but it would have ended regardless.. just a few years later than it did. If a couple is happy together, has everything sorted out financially/emotionally/etc, and is committed to their relationship it's not going to matter how long they did or didn't live together before marrying each other.

[Dziubka]

This is a good point too. People make a lot of fuss about prenups, but getting married is effectively signing a default prenup, your rights and responsibilities during the marriage and after it are formally acknowledged.

I don't think marriage itself is something that needs to be dramatised so much. ''It's all hard work etc." It's just a formalised relationship really, it doesn't suddenly become harder just because you signed that paper. Life becomes harder because of added responsibilities, but this has nothing to do with the fact you formalised your life together.

I guess that would be a nuptial then

And I agree with the last part as well. I think every longer relationship requires compromises and work at times. Getting married doesn't makeyour relationship harder or easier. Maybe because I've never been married, but 20 years of relationship without marriage vs 20 years of marriage, I don't see how one would be harder than the other?


I also think that it's unfair to say that people get divorced because they're not trying hard enough. That is really unfair judgement. Are you in their relationship? Do you know how hard they tried? Does anyone know apart from them? How much trying and fixing is 'enough'?
I like to think that people take a commitment such as marriage seriously, if only because of the legal implications and how mind-blowingly expensive divorces are. If they end up divorcing anyway, they must have their reasons and it's really not up to me or anyone else to judge them. Sometimes things don't work out, not for lack of trying.

[ST25]

This is a good point too. People make a lot of fuss about prenups, but getting married is effectively signing a default prenup, your rights and responsibilities during the marriage and after it are formally acknowledged.

I don't think marriage itself is something that needs to be dramatised so much. ''It's all hard work etc." It's just a formalised relationship really, it doesn't suddenly become harder just because you signed that paper. Life becomes harder because of added responsibilities, but this has nothing to do with the fact you formalised your life together.

Well, we'll just agree to disagree then.

[lucybelle]

I also think that it's unfair to say that people get divorced because they're not trying hard enough. That is really unfair judgement. Are you in their relationship? Do you know how hard they tried? Does anyone know apart from them? How much trying and fixing is 'enough'?
I like to think that people take a commitment such as marriage seriously, if only because of the legal implications and how mind-blowingly expensive divorces are. If they end up divorcing anyway, they must have their reasons and it's really not up to me or anyone else to judge them. Sometimes things don't work out, not for lack of trying.

Agreed. Divorce is NOT the easy way out. Especially when kids are involved.