Confusion about female friend

[Chris516]

I have 31yr.-old 'online' female friend in Canada(I am a 45yr.-old American male), that I have known for ten years. Presently, I have been in an LDR with another woman for five years, and my 'online' friend has been dating her boyfriend for close to two years. In those ten years, not including our present relationships, we have emotionally supported each other through six different relationships. She is presently in the midst of a divorce from her husband of six years(separated in 2009).

Her boyfriend(of one year) is very insecure about my 'online' friend talking with other men. His feelings are somewhat justified, in that, while he does have trust issues originating from an abusive childhood, that were compounded by his wife abandoning him n' their kids, because she couldn't cope with the demands of their disabled son's healthcare.

For a period of seven months starting in Oct.' 2011, I didn't speak to her for seven months because of needing to take an emotional break from Yahoo Messenger. I was getting inundated with IM's, to the point I couldn't take it anymore, took it off my computer and didn't think about it for seven months. When I was given a new computer for my birthday in May 2012, I decided to re-install Yahoo Messenger on the new computer.

When my 'online' friend saw me online, she went ballistic, wondering where I had been for so long, because I didn't tell her about the Yahoo problems I was having.

In July of this year, she nearly died. It greatly affected me to the point I had an emotional breakdown at a medical conference, for a health condition we both now(I was born with it) have.

Since July, she has told me three times, that we need to cut off contact in order not to jeopardize her relationship with her boyfriend. All three times, she has done it, the silence lasted four days at most. When she would contact me again, she accused me of ignoring her and not caring about her.(I called the first hospital she was taken too. Even though it was considered an international call, to find out how she was mending

Lately, She has been stressed with her divorce and, work. At times when we have communicated by Yahoo IM, she would figuratively bite my head off for the slightest thing. So much so, that other night I was afraid to say anything to her. Then she would ask me if I was still there and I would tell her that I was. She also accused me of thinking she was weak.

At times, she will call me dumb(not exactly that word) or stupid. Even telling me to F-off, or telling me f-u. I put up with it because, no one is perfect, not me, not her.

Her flip-flop behavior, along with her now sending me the YouTube link to the Faith Hill video 'It Matters To Me' which has lots of romantic undertones, I am even more confused. She said the video was just an apology. But with the romantic undertones of the video, coupled with her prior flip-flop behavior, has left me more confused than ever. If she has feelings for me, this is a very left-handed way to tell me. At one point about two months ago, she mentioned a citizenship status in Canada called PRS(Primary Residency Status) that is prior to becoming a full-fledged Canadian citizen. Why did she even bother mentioning that residency status, when she mentally has flip-flopped several times. Even if she does, I can't move to Canada even if I were to be able to get PRS, for health and financial reasons.

[blankita719]

If you are in a relationship with someone, why are you spending so much time concerning yourself with another woman's emotional needs?

Your relationship should be your priority. If you have true feelings for this other woman, end your current relationship and deal with those. It is not fair to the person you are currently with if you are constantly worrying about if what you are doing is hurting another person. If you don't, and just feel sorry for her, then cut off the emotional ties and focus on your life.

This in no way implies that I don't believe that men & women should have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I have male friends that I care about, but these people do not interfere in my relationship.

[kiara_silver]

If you are in a relationship with someone, why are you spending so much time concerning yourself with another woman's emotional needs?

Your relationship should be your priority. If you have true feelings for this other woman, end your current relationship and deal with those. It is not fair to the person you are currently with if you are constantly worrying about if what you are doing is hurting another person. If you don't, and just feel sorry for her, then cut off the emotional ties and focus on your life.

This in no way implies that I don't believe that men & women should have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I have male friends that I care about, but these people do not interfere in my relationship.

I agree with this, your in a relationship for 5 years, but have thought about going to live to Canada but unable to because of health and financial reasons. Or that idea has crossed your mind. I would feel a bit uncomfortable if my SO were thinking this. It sounds like maybe your friends relationship is a bit rocky and your her emotional support, which is fine to an extent, a friend is a friend. But theres a line I think. Maybe talk to your SO about this, and she can lend some advice?

[ThePiedPiper]

If you are in a relationship with someone, why are you spending so much time concerning yourself with another woman's emotional needs?

Your relationship should be your priority. If you have true feelings for this other woman, end your current relationship and deal with those. It is not fair to the person you are currently with if you are constantly worrying about if what you are doing is hurting another person. If you don't, and just feel sorry for her, then cut off the emotional ties and focus on your life.

This in no way implies that I don't believe that men & women should have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I have male friends that I care about, but these people do not interfere in my relationship.

I agree with this.

I will also say as someone who has been in a relationship (albeit non-romantic) with someone similar to the woman you're describing, playing the role of the emotional provider will get old fast. Someone who's willing to emotionally cheat on their boyfriend, whether he's controlling or isn't, when she should be leaving, whose behaviour and emotions seem to pivot and flip-flop and every which way, and someone who will take your head off at the slightest thing you do "wrong" only to turn around and apologise for something that never changes, that sort of behaviour is nothing you should be putting up with I would say even from a friend. It's abusive, manipulative, and she's wrapping you around her finger in a way that makes me wonder if it's good for you to have her in your life, though that's assuming you want to keep your current relationship. *shrug* I'm not sure why you're talking about not being able to move to this other woman when you have your own LDR to focus on and deal with and think about...

[Chris516]

If you are in a relationship with someone, why are you spending so much time concerning yourself with another woman's emotional needs?

I don't trust her boyfriend regardless. Because he walked out on her once already, and when she was just out of the hospital after almost dying in the hospital. I have told that I don't trust him.

Your relationship should be your priority. If you have true feelings for this other woman, end your current relationship and deal with those. It is not fair to the person you are currently with if you are constantly worrying about if what you are doing is hurting another person. If you don't, and just feel sorry for her, then cut off the emotional ties and focus on your life.

My relationship is my priority. My feelings for the other woman are stunted by my own health n' financial concerns. So, I am not trying to make my feelings for the other woman grow. I am not worried about hurting the woman I with. Because, I am honest with her. I love her with all my heart. She knows the emotional history with the other woman.

This in no way implies that I don't believe that men & women should have friendships with people of the opposite sex. I have male friends that I care about, but these people do not interfere in my relationship.

She isn't interfering in my relationship. In fact, they will ask me about the other from time to time.

[Chris516]

I agree with this, your in a relationship for 5 years, but have thought about going to live to Canada but unable to because of health and financial reasons. Or that idea has crossed your mind. I would feel a bit uncomfortable if my SO were thinking this. It sounds like maybe your friends relationship is a bit rocky and your her emotional support, which is fine to an extent, a friend is a friend. But theres a line I think. Maybe talk to your SO about this, and she can lend some advice?

I only entertained the thought on a 'what if' scale. Yes, There is a line, and I have told her, that some stuff she shouldn't have told me. I do talk to my SO, when we communicate.

[Chris516]

I agree with this.

I will also say as someone who has been in a relationship (albeit non-romantic) with someone similar to the woman you're describing, playing the role of the emotional provider will get old fast. Someone who's willing to emotionally cheat on their boyfriend, whether he's controlling or isn't, when she should be leaving, whose behavior and emotions seem to pivot and flip-flop and every which way, and someone who will take your head off at the slightest thing you do "wrong" only to turn around and apologize for something that never changes, that sort of behavior is nothing you should be putting up with I would say even from a friend. It's abusive, manipulative, and she's wrapping you around her finger in a way that makes me wonder if it's good for you to have her in your life, though that's assuming you want to keep your current relationship. *shrug* I'm not sure why you're talking about not being able to move to this other woman when you have your own LDR to focus on and deal with and think about...

I am glad you mentioned 'emotionally cheating'. Because I actually went on several websites cross-referencing their definitions of an 'emotional affair'. Those lines/boundaries have not been crossed. I understand why you shrug. It is exasperating at times. It can be almost, like playing the video game 'Frogger'. The aspect of moving is hypothetical, at best. Because I would have to have several thousand dollars to move up there. If I did the PRS(Permanent Residency Status) in Canada prior to gaining citizenship, she would have to 'sponsor' me. Because I would not be allowed to work until I gained citizenship. That is money I don't have.

I am focused on my own LDR. I just wish the communication was better. It is spotty at best, and no, I know my LDR is not cheating on me.

[Chris516]

An addendum to my original post is, my feelings for the other woman started back in 2004. But I always managed to keep them in some nether space of my mind. That was until she got sick in July n' nearly died. She asked me recently how come I didn't do anything about my feelings, back then. I told her, that because of her fiance being killed in Iraq that year, I wanted to give her a lot of space for her to grieve his death. That didn't seem to phase her, but I didn't press it.

[blankita719]

OK, so ion your last addendum you admit that you have had feelings for this woman in the back of your mind, and when she nearly died, you had a breakdown over it. This is giving entirely too much of yourself to another woman when you should be giving your attention to your own relationship. Even hypothetically discussing a move to another country? Too far. If you even consider moving anywhere except to close the distance with your current girlfriend, then you are taking it too far. But I get it - you are trying to justify it. That it's ok for this woman who isn't your girlfriend to treat you this way and pull you up and down on an emotional roller coaster. You might be telling the woman you are with what is going on, but are you being completely honest about how you are feeling about it? Does she know you have feelings for this other woman that you've pushed back for years?

You are hitting a danger zone. This is interfering with your current relationship. Being this torn about someone who you aren't romantically involved with is a problem. You asked for advice, I'm giving it. Sorry it isn't quite what you thought you wanted to hear.

[ThePiedPiper]

OK, so ion your last addendum you admit that you have had feelings for this woman in the back of your mind, and when she nearly died, you had a breakdown over it. This is giving entirely too much of yourself to another woman when you should be giving your attention to your own relationship. Even hypothetically discussing a move to another country? Too far. If you even consider moving anywhere except to close the distance with your current girlfriend, then you are taking it too far. But I get it - you are trying to justify it. That it's ok for this woman who isn't your girlfriend to treat you this way and pull you up and down on an emotional roller coaster. You might be telling the woman you are with what is going on, but are you being completely honest about how you are feeling about it? Does she know you have feelings for this other woman that you've pushed back for years?

You are hitting a danger zone. This is interfering with your current relationship. Being this torn about someone who you aren't romantically involved with is a problem. You asked for advice, I'm giving it. Sorry it isn't quite what you thought you wanted to hear.

I could not have said it better. You say you've harboured feelings for this woman for years and still have discussions about them. Is your current girlfriend okay with this? Because this, to me, counts as having an emotional affair. I realise that you've decided the lines have not been crossed, but you're talking about harbouring feelings for another woman, talking about hypothetically moving country to be with her, sharing her life intimately, and being the first one to call on her during important events etc. in addition to being vocal about how you feel about her boyfriend. To me, I would consider this emotionally cheating. If my ex was ever this torn between me and another girl, that he'd talk to her like you are to this woman, be there for her like you are to this woman, consider moving country for her (whether it's possible or isn't), then that would be it. It would be over because I would consider that being inappropriately invested in another woman. There is being there for a friend, being close and affectionate with a friend, and then there is treating your friend as you would a SO. From what you define here, whether or not you agree with my definition, I do see this as being involved intimately with two women in a way that could be classed as an emotional affair; they aren't always "in your face." Even your title implies that you're confused about her/your feelings for her. I would be surprised if your SO was okay with the fact you and this woman discuss your feelings and discuss the possibility of you moving to be with her or near her, when you have your own LDR to think about, whether the communication is spotty at the moment or not, but if you have been 100% honest about it - not simply, "Oh I have this close female friend" - then I can't knock you for it.

[Chris516]

OK, so in your last addendum you admit that you have had feelings for this woman in the back of your mind, and when she nearly died, you had a breakdown over it. This is giving entirely too much of yourself to another woman when you should be giving your attention to your own relationship. Even hypothetically discussing a move to another country? Too far. If you even consider moving anywhere except to close the distance with your current girlfriend, then you are taking it too far. But I get it - you are trying to justify it. That it's ok for this woman who isn't your girlfriend to treat you this way and pull you up and down on an emotional roller coaster. You might be telling the woman you are with what is going on, but are you being completely honest about how you are feeling about it? Does she know you have feelings for this other woman that you've pushed back for years?

You are hitting a danger zone. This is interfering with your current relationship. Being this torn about someone who you aren't romantically involved with is a problem. You asked for advice, I'm giving it. Sorry it isn't quite what you thought you wanted to hear.

Giving too much of myself....hmmmm.(giving that some thought) I give a lot of attention to my present relationship. I try to communicate with my SO by calling her nightly. The woman in Canada is the one that mentioned PRS, I didn't look it up, until some time after she mentioned it.

Well, On the treatment aspect, I have been trying to basically apply the same forgiveness one would have for an ill family member, to my online friend. But yes, the 'up n' down' is like a heart rate monitor in the hospital, where in goes up n' down. When she used to get nasty, I would take it personally. But over time, I became 'thick-skinned'. So, Now when she gets' nasty, I laugh. But yes, you are right. I shouldn't let her treat me that way. There are times I have verbally chewed her out for the way she was treating me. Her favorite response in that sort of situation is "Oh well". I have never mentioned the PRS comment to my SO, because I saw no reason in worrying her. Since I won't act on it, even though I looked it up. Yes, I told my SO about the residual feelings. But I also told her, there were a lot of variables that wouldn't make it work. The first one, money, trumps everything else.

[Chris516]

I could not have said it better. You say you've harboured feelings for this woman for years and still have discussions about them. Is your current girlfriend okay with this? Because this, to me, counts as having an emotional affair. I realize that you've decided the lines have not been crossed, but you're talking about harboring feelings for another woman, talking about hypothetically moving country to be with her, sharing her life intimately, and being the first one to call on her during important events etc. in addition to being vocal about how you feel about her boyfriend. To me, I would consider this emotionally cheating. If my ex was ever this torn between me and another girl, that he'd talk to her like you are to this woman, be there for her like you are to this woman, consider moving country for her (whether it's possible or isn't), then that would be it. It would be over because I would consider that being inappropriately invested in another woman. There is being there for a friend, being close and affectionate with a friend, and then there is treating your friend as you would a SO. From what you define here, whether or not you agree with my definition, I do see this as being involved intimately with two women in a way that could be classed as an emotional affair; they aren't always "in your face." Even your title implies that you're confused about her/your feelings for her. I would be surprised if your SO was okay with the fact you and this woman discuss your feelings and discuss the possibility of you moving to be with her or near her, when you have your own LDR to think about, whether the communication is spotty at the moment or not, but if you have been 100% honest about it - not simply, "Oh I have this close female friend" - then I can't knock you for it.

Yes, I have harbored feelings. But from a distance and, not to the extent that would(or could ever) be acted upon. I thought about the situation being an 'emotional affair'. Every website I looked at, the definitions of an emotional affair, did not match any communication I have had with my friend. But yes, they are just websites. So I am not disagreeing with you outright. That is why I looked it up in the first place. My SO knows about my feelings. My SO knows how long I have known my online friend.

I asked for feedback. You gave it to me, and gave me things to think about. I thank you for that.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Yes, I told my SO about the residual feelings. But I also told her, there were a lot of variables that wouldn't make it work. The first one, money, trumps everything else.

This sticks out to me a bit. How does your so feel about this? The main thing stopping you from going to this other woman shouldn't be money, it should be your emotional connection to your relationship and your so. Money is what's stopping me from moving to my so, what is stopping me from moving to any of my other long term online friends (most of which I have known longer than I have known my so) is that I have no want to move away to just be with a friend.

I don't know the dynamics of your whole relationship but I want to ask you something. If money and health were not in the equation would you move to Canada to be with this other woman or would you move you be with your so instead? Which woman would take priority in that situation? That is something that you should think about. Make sure that you aren't with your so for convenience while wanting to be with someone else. Even if you love her it's not fair to her to be the second choice to this woman that seems to be very close to your heart, and it's not fair to her for you to be putting so much thought, time, and attention into the 'friendship' that you have with another woman when it could be put into the relationship that you have with her.

I was with someone else when I met my so, I know how it feels to be fighting how you feel for one person while trying to make things work with another. It isn't worth it in the end. You will eventually have to decide if your actual relationship with your so means more or less to you than your emotional relationship with the 'friend' that you care so much about.

[Chris516]

This sticks out to me a bit. How does your so feel about this? The main thing stopping you from going to this other woman shouldn't be money, it should be your emotional connection to your relationship and your so. Money is what's stopping me from moving to my so, what is stopping me from moving to any of my other long term online friends (most of which I have known longer than I have known my so) is that I have no want to move away to just be with a friend.

Well, Not just money. I am not going to travel 2,000mi. to see her, when her true feelings are still a mystery.

I don't know the dynamics of your whole relationship but I want to ask you something. If money and health were not in the equation would you move to Canada to be with this other woman or would you move you be with your so instead? Which woman would take priority in that situation? That is something that you should think about. Make sure that you aren't with your so for convenience while wanting to be with someone else. Even if you love her it's not fair to her to be the second choice to this woman that seems to be very close to your heart, and it's not fair to her for you to be putting so much thought, time, and attention into the 'friendship' that you have with another woman when it could be put into the relationship that you have with her.

I actually have wanted to move to be with my SO. I am not with her out of convenience. I am with her out of love. The other woman, if a choice were made, is second to my SO. The 'attention', is indirectly skewed by my SO's lack of communication at times. I put my energies into the relationship, but my SO doesn't communicate at times.

I was with someone else when I met my so, I know how it feels to be fighting how you feel for one person while trying to make things work with another. It isn't worth it in the end. You will eventually have to decide if your actual relationship with your so means more or less to you than your emotional relationship with the 'friend' that you care so much about.

My SO means more.

[ThePiedPiper]

I think you either need to sort out your current relationship or cut off contact with this other woman.

Well, Not just money. I am not going to travel 2,000mi. to see her, when her true feelings are still a mystery.

I don't see how this can play into it (assuming you mean true feelings so far as romantic ones, which if you don't, I apologise) and you not call this emotionally cheating.