Unsure about our relationship and upcoming visit

[KittyLove]

Hello, LFAD. I would really like your advice.

So, I have met my SO once last summer and I have a ticket to go back to visit him again next Wednesday. I should be excited, I know. However, both my SO and I have been doubting if he is actually right for me. He works about 55hrs a week minimum. On his days off, he runs errands or goes out with friends, plus more martial arts classes. I am in college which hogs a majority of my days, but I still have way more spare time than him, even with my hobbies on the side. Also we have been dating for about 8 months now.

Typically we voice chat on Skype before bed for maybe an hour. But lately, he has started staying out really late with his friends and bringing girls over to his place. He insists on voice chatting all of his other friends instead of me the past week as well. He says he feels bad that he never spends time with them and they're having problems so he needs to take care of them. It wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so horrible at multitasking. When he is voice chatting a friend, he completely forgets to reply to me on IM. However, if he is voice chatting with me, he is distracted typing to all of his friends. I find it really rude when we are watching a movie together and all of a sudden he's typing or texting somebody.

I can understand that a couple can not spend time together every day, all day, every night, etc. However, I think it is difficult adjusting to the change of him wanting to spend even less time with me and instead spend time with his online friends. But I'm just so jealous that they're all girls. Some are single, some have crushes on him, whereas others are in relationships. Obviously I'm more bothered by the ones who are single or like him. I asked if maybe we could do group voice calls some time, but he insists that I am too shy and quiet so there's no point.

We have already both come to terms that he is very stingy with his time and he knows he does not spend enough with me. But that I also crave to spend a lot of time with him every single day. I don't expect endless hours (although I do wish we could), but I am used to that one hour of Skype at night or a phone call before bed. It is asking a lot for him to expect me to share that time with other people every night after all of this time. He does not want to dedicate a single night to only the two of us, because he feels guilty not spending time with his friends on Skype. He always says he needs to go and live life and I can't stop him from it. I don't see how wanting some time before bed is stopping his entire life.

Currently we are taking some time to ourselves to think, and then we're going to try talking again. I'm not sure if it'll be tonight after work, or if it'll be tomorrow on his day off. Either way, that's the plan right now. I still adore him and want things to work, but I don't know how much my heart can handle if he keeps spending less time with me and more with everyone else, especially girls.

But, what is there to really do or talk about? We have already shared what we wanted with one another and it just made us more frustrated. We talked about what if we broke up, and I told him I don't think I could handle being just friends and I simply could not talk to him for a long time. He, however, would still want to be friends and does not understand why I feel that way. I don't know if this is worth the heartache any more, especially after he admitted that he would spend even less time with me if he had more free time from work since he would be out with friends.

I don't know if I want to go through with my trip either, since I know I'll go home and feel this way all over again. At the same time, his birthday is in a couple weeks, I have been looking forward to this the past 6 months, he wanted to introduce me to his parents, and the ticket is non-refundable.

So, LFAD. What are your ideas on possibly salvaging the relationship? What would you do? Any advice is very appreciated.

A huge thank you in advance to those who read or reply.

[squeeker]

Wow. I can see why you'd be upset about that. I don't understand why he would not be okay with making more time with you or even having you in the video chat with the other friends. In a relationship, you need to be able to communicate and feel like the other person cares, especially when it's long distance. To me, it seems he is not taking the relationship as seriously as he should. Or he just doesn't understand what a relationship needs to succeed, especially when it's long distance. Perhaps he's gotten into this routine because of the distance.. but still, why would he choose to video chat or type/text to other people instead of you?

My boyfriend sometimes will chat to someone else on facebook while we are on a video call, and lately because he started uni, he's much busier, so we get less time to talk, plus we have an 8 hour difference. But we still usually can talk for at least a couple hours.. but we aren't very sociable people in general so the "need" to hang out with other people doesn't come up much.. but every now and then I hang out with my other friends or he might have something up too. I get that some people need to socialize more, but.. you're his girlfriend so I do think he should pay you more attention. Maybe this upcoming visit will help him remember what he loves about you and why this is worth it. I think you should talk to him.. let him know you miss him.. I'm sure you've done that, but if he's not listening, try reminding him. I hope it works out for you two. I really don't know your whole story so I'm not sure what is the best thing for you, only you can decide that, but I hope you get some quality time with him soon.

[blackframez]

Dang, that is rough. You are valid for feeling this way and it seems like even though you are bummed you're approaching how you feel rationally, which is good.

...bringing girls over to his place.

I asked if maybe we could do group voice calls some time, but he insists that I am too shy and quiet so there's no point.

I don't want to be negative but gosh, those two things in particular just stood out to me as being highly disrespectful. Why would he want to discourage you from trying to be less "shy and quiet"?

Obviously you love him though, but it kind of seems like he's treating you like some girlfriend-on-standby while he's "living his life" or whatever that means. Your life and needs are just as important as his are.

[Zapookie]

I don't really know what to say to help you salvage the relationship. I mean, you can't force someone to be in a relationship if they don't want to be - which is the vibe he is giving off. Honestly, he's being a shit boyfriend and I don't know why you're putting up with that. Dedicating more time to his friends than his girlfriend? I can understand wanting to find balance, but when he completely snobs you off for them, that's just downright rude and disrespectful.

Ask yourself... what is it about him that you love? what is it that makes him good boyfriend material? Really figure out whether you want this treatment... because you deserve A LOT MORE.

[digitalfever]

I don't know what to say and I really thought about it but nothing says it better than "This boy doesn't want to be in a relationship!" You are better than this and deserve way better than this.

[Lucky]

Your guy is not ready for any kind of commitment, there is plenty of guys out there that would be more than happy with a shy and quiet girl, if someone really likes you they think it's cute. You sound very sweet, you deserve a better treatment than this, an hour of chat a day is definitely not asking too much and it's good you are not the jealous type but he really sounds like he crossed the line quite some time ago.

Ideas for salvaging the relationship... I am sorry honey but it doesn't sound like you have one, you could always do the same as him and just be friends until he feels ready for commitment, but that would mean you would have to get your own male friends who have a crush on you (meaning date) and it doesn't sound like something you would be interested in doing since you already feel hurt, might end up hurting you more, wish I had more useful advice.

*hugs*

[charly]

I don't want to be negative but gosh, those two things in particular just stood out to me as being highly disrespectful. Why would he want to discourage you from trying to be less "shy and quiet"?

Obviously you love him though, but it kind of seems like he's treating you like some girlfriend-on-standby while he's "living his life" or whatever that means. Your life and needs are just as important as his are.

Agree, you have the fullest right to demand at least some time, you are far away, his friends aren't. You can do better than this, for sure! Don't let him treat you this way, you should be the most important thing in is live, not someone that can be put on standby all the time.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with the others. It sounds like he's unhappy and too much of a coward to do anything about it so he's going to treat you terribly until you end up breaking it off for him. :/

[XxFranticLovexX]

I agree with everyone else. Though, I also think that you should be cautious here because he is bringing females home, blowing you off to chat with them, and refusing to let you join in the chats. That is really suspicious behavior and there is a chance that he is saying/doing things that he shouldn't be doing while in a relationship and trying to hide it from you. I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all. I've never known of anyone who tries to keep their partner completely away from their friends unless they have some other reasoning behind it, be it being unfaithful to them, hiding something else, or whatever.

Honestly, If he doesn't step up his game I would just move on because, from what you have said, he seems more interested in his relationships with these other women (which could or could not be going past what's okay for a friendship with an unavailable man) than he is in his relationship with you. It's not a relationship if there is only one person trying.

[Dezface]

I hate to say it but he doesn't seem like he wants to be in a relationship. Yes, everybody has outside lives, and sometimes that included people of the opposite gender. But, when you're in a relationship, that person comes first. You should get the majority of his time, and his friends should get the rest. It's not rude to tell your friends you're going to spend time with your girlfriend.

In my opinion, he's either cheating on you or about to. Girls at his place? Not allowing you to talk to his "friends?" He's being pretty blatant about what he's doing. Let him go and find someone who deserves your time.