Really need some comfort

[ThePiedPiper]

As a side note, the reason this usually happens at night is because that's typically when he has free time with his 55+hr job. However, it is extremely stressful for me to be worrying about what he's doing out at 4am without him sending me messages about what is going on. Last night I told him I was stressed and worried because he wasn't telling me why he was out so late. His replies we're just "It's not that," and "Stahp!" (aka. stop, in a more joking manner), and even "Calm the f*** down." Just, wow.

While I do feel that something like "calm the f*** down" is disrespectful, I also feel that his "it's not that" and "stahp!" texts while he was out with his friends should have been enough. I'm not saying you shouldn't have raised the issue, but you shouldn't have done it while he was out, regardless of where your worries were. The conversation was not going anywhere based on how it was started, and the only reason I say it that bluntly is because I have been in your position. I have been in places where I let my anxieties overwhelm me and have not cared where my partner was at that place or time, but it has never resulted in anything but an argument that was perhaps made more intense by the circumstances I ignited the flame under. That's what I'm going to assume happened here. Even if you don't feel like you were picking a fight, you chose a time when he was vulnerable, off his guard, and didn't stop when he asked, therefore he responded defensively and by getting angry.

Now, I realise I have a different opinion than some people here, but I don't believe that you have the right to demand a text or a phone call from your SO while they're out. I never have, and it's never a standard I will hold any of my future partners to. The thing is, it is sometimes difficult to shoot off the text, depending on what you're doing and with whom, and this is especially true for when the text is obligatory. For example, I remember when my ex first learned his mother was dying, I was at a concert with my sister. I made time for him and would do it again in a heartbeat, but there were other occasions where the need was less immediate that I was either at a festival or some sort of event or even at salsa dancing where being out and present and also sending off a text or phone call to my ex conflicted with one another. In all cases, I would have had to remove myself completely and that's no easier to do when you're out with friends than when at an event. It also sounds like both times he told you where he was/that he would be home later and why? To me that's courteous and all that should be asked for, him letting you know when there's a change of plans.

If you want to stop this arguing that seems to have been off and on (if not a solid on) for months now, then I think you both need to change your approaches. He's given up because your expectations are too high. In the last couple posts I have read, it sounds like you're demanding from him what he cannot provide. He doesn't want to continue trying when all he does is fail and that seems to be what's happening. The expectations are ones he can't meet, so if you were me, personally, this is when I'd consider breaking up. The problem has been a consistent one since at least September and nothing's changing because neither of you seem willing to bend on what your expectations are for a relationship. I don't need a text or phone call when I know my partner is going to be out or away all night. I trusted my ex enough to know he would be busy, partying with his friends, and he would talk with me in the morning. Some people are not like that. Some people want a conversation anyway. It doesn't make one right and the other wrong, but it does sometimes make two people unable to see the others' viewpoint and those same two people might be unwilling to compromise. He's made it clear that he's not going to call you when he's out late; he already lets you know when he's coming home later than expected. Can you trust him enough to live with this? Can you handle how it makes you feel in terms of your relationship? If not, then maybe that's a hard limit for you, I don't know. All I can say is that I feel like this entire relationship is you demanding things from him that he can't/won't provide and then feeling upset or hurt when he doesn't provide it; consequently, he's stopped putting in effort because he's become defeated about the fact what he does never seems to be good enough and therefore is preferring to spend time with friends, who are there, and not deal with what he feels won't pay off, hence the arguing. That is how it looks from my outsider's perspective. It's worth considering, in any case.

ETA: I don't know where I stand on his being out so late with female friends. I have been in situations like this where there really was nothing going on and I would hate my ex not to have trusted me (or for any of my future partners to be insecure and not trust me, either), but there have been other situations I've seen this in and it hasn't ended up as an honest situation.

[HeartInTexas]

Even if you don't feel like you were picking a fight, you chose a time when he was vulnerable, off his guard, and didn't stop when he asked, therefore he responded defensively and by getting angry.

I think you do have a point on this. I'm sure I could still apologize about it tonight, but I'm not sure how much it will really matter at this point.

Now, I realise I have a different opinion than some people here, but I don't believe that you have the right to demand a text or a phone call from your SO while they're out.

I did not mean to seem like I was demanding that of him. It's just that the both of us wanted me to feel more comfortable, and I wanted him to know that would really alleviate some stress to hear his voice. When he wasn't willing to, it did hurt my feelings. But I guess it is better that he doesn't just force himself to call me because he it's what I want and not what he wants.

It also sounds like both times he told you where he was/that he would be home later and why? To me that's courteous and all that should be asked for, him letting you know when there's a change of plans.

The reason I was upset in this particular situation was how long it took him to tell me. He didn't want to just tell me he was with his friends, he wanted to avoid telling me until I specifically asked. I understand he does not want me to feel jealous or hurt by it, but him hiding it still hurt worse. At the very least he apologized for trying to hide it. But it was so annoying that he says all he's doing is going to eat and go home. Then all of a sudden it's 2-3hrs later and he wasn't home yet. We had plans to Skype together but they ended up being ruined. Since he did not tell me what he was doing until 4am about his mental break down, I spent that entire night thinking I was blown off so he could be with his friends again, despite him making plans with me first. I don't think that just because I am far apart, that plans with me mean any less than somebody who is in person with him. I'm excusing it since he had his mental break down and needed somebody to talk to though.

If you want to stop this arguing that seems to have been off and on (if not a solid on) for months now, then I think you both need to change your approaches. He's given up because your expectations are too high.

I think this is also a great point. Thank you for mentioning it because I had not thought of it. I don't know if just apologizing for that and telling him I'm going to change that if it bothers him will help though? But personally, I am completely willing to change how I approach things and bend to match what he wants from me. However, I do not think he wants to change anything on his end, which is unfair to me. I know that he is frustrated with compromise with anyone because he does that all day with angry customers at work. However, he can not just keep refusing to compromise with me and have things work out between us.

Overall, thank you for your input. It may be different from other views, but I think it does help broaden things for me.

[ThePiedPiper]

I totally agree that he needs to be willing to compromise, also, but I do feel that if you were to change your mindset on a couple instances or stop expecting certain behaviours for x- and y-reasons, and you followed through with that (assuming he's still willing to fight for this relationship), then you might see a difference in his behaviour. I do feel that sometimes the way we are approaching a situation can change dramatically the problems it creates for us/our relationship. So I would try talking to him about what his needs are. What does he need from you when he's out with his friends? What are some ways you can help to prevent arguments like this from arising? I would apologise and say you know you could have handled it better, but because you don't want it to be a point of tension in the future, how does he suggest you should handle things like that? And when he gives you his answer, agree to it. Don't sit and say "oh, but..." or "well if I do this then I want you to do that." Simply acknowledge that he had a point here and follow through. See if things change when you're more willing to give his way a try or when you're more willing to ask him for his suggestions on how to fix something versus constantly proposing solutions he feels like he's already tried. It might take some time for him to play a more active role, however.

Also, based on the mental breakdown, I would let the missed Skype date go, though I would tell him that it hurt your feelings that he went to visit some other girl as opposed to you and would like to know how you can be of better support to him when he needs you. That one may hurt, but it may also allow you to make the changes that put you in the position of "go to" over his friends, which, in my opinion, is how it should be in most cases. Still, keep an eye out, because if his cancelling on you happens continuously, no, that isn't okay, regardless of who's upset or isn't. If he has friends who are so upset he's cancelling every single Skype date, for example, they need a therapist, not a friend. You DO deserve to be a priority in his life, and I would say don't compromise on that, but sometimes re-appraising what it means to be a priority, especially contextually, as we can't always be #1, can help alleviate issues in a relationship. I'm not saying he's holding up his end of the bargain and you're the only one that needs to change, but I do think that the change can start with you reassessing how you should think about and deal with certain situations.

[HeartInTexas]

Thank you everybody for your support thus far. We ended up breaking up. He let me know he was not willing to put effort into giving me more time. He wants to live for himself for awhile and wants me to live for me for awhile.

I am keeping the presents I got for him, and he's keeping the one he got for me. We aren't talking any more for awhile. I want to try and sever our emotional connection. One day I'd really like to be his friend again and go back to playing video games late into the night like used to.

Thanks again, I don't know if I'll want to come back to LFAD. Not on this account, any how.