Insecurities and selfishness

[dougiefru]

Hey guys,

So currently I am no longer dating my SO, we broke up a couple of days ago. I didn't necessarily want to break up, but maybe it's best for us right now. She's giving me time to sort out my feelings and whether I'm still in love with her or not. When she asked if I loved her, of course I said yes, as I do, but when she asked if I was in love with her I could not answer her confidently. I hesitated, and it broke her heart. Anyway, the reason why? The reason, which I have not told her is that I compare myself to literally everyone, especially when it comes to dating girls, every guy they've ever been with I compare myself to, and this is where I become extremely selfish and find it unfair, when really I should not be, because the reason I'm about to tell you is that I seem like the guy on the better end of the deal. Anyway, I'm a virgin still, but my ex-SO (I don't really like calling her that, as I truly hope that we can work things out) has had sex before, with a few different guys. I didn't mind the circumstances where she was dating them, that's normal, I almost had sex with girlfriends in the past, but I decided to wait. Anyway, the month before we met, she has gone through depression (one of her best friends had committed suicide a year earlier, and her really good friend that she ended up dating was abusive, etc. all in this years span) and was mentally not in a good place at all: she got drunk, had sex with a guy she had just met, they talked for a short time, whatever. What bothers me is that that one night she let a guy that she did not even know have all of her, and while I have experienced a lot more of her, I find it extremely unfair. I don't want to pressure her into having sex with me, but I hate thinking that she had sex with that one guy that night, and we had yet to have it. Yes, we do other things besides sex, but that is besides the point. I am very insecure when it came to this and I want to be able to accept it and I want to love her with all of my heart and just move forward. I am looking for forgiveness in the sense that I should not be treating her this way for something that I obviously cannot control and something that was before me, so it shouldn't bother me, etc. I just want to be able to reconcile with myself and be forgiven for thinking these thoughts and hopefully I can move forward, accept her for her and be able to love her the way I used to. I was wondering if anyone else has had these insecurities and if you guys were able to move forward with it. I hate bringing this up to people as I didn't want it to become a big deal, but it is to me, and I feel so awful for it. If anyone else has been through this, please any help would work. I feel so awful, I love the girl, but I want to be in love with her again, and it kills me that right now I can't be that guy for her.

[gamer94]

I've been in a similar position but I was the one messing around(all online stuff none irl). My SO knows, we've talked about it, and everything's fine now, but when he found out about it killed him(we were on & off a lot a few years ago & that's when that stuff happened). Just try talking to her about it, explain why it upsets you & that it's not just a sexual relationship you want with her. Just be honest about it and see where it goes, i mean it's clear to me you love her and that you want things to work out. Good Luck, hope everything works out.

[jleec24]

I've been in sort of a similar situation. My SO had sort fooled around with other guys but she never had sex or went to third base with them or any of that sort. Mostly it was fondling. When we first started dating (mind you I was in my teens :P) it did bother me. Although I acknowledged that we were both virgins but upon knowing it was hard for me to forget the fondling and so on. It took a little bit of time and some reassuring words from my SO and I guess after a while I just got over it because I had gotten the mindset "She is mine now and that's all that matters"

[dougiefru]

I'm sorry, but you guys might know how I feel, but maybe not. Fondling, doesn't bother me, if we were on a break and it was strictly internet stuff, doesn't bother me. It was purely physical, one night stand, and I cannot get over it. Maybe you think you know what it feels like, but I don't believe you do. If anyone does though, I do ask for advice about how to get over it. Because, I do know that it is this one thing holding me back from loving her and if I got over it I would be able to love her with my whole heart.

[LilyChiba]

One night stands are more common than one thinks. I was in the same position that your Ex-SO was when I had mine and I regretted it, still do. Granted mine was with someone I had a crush with in high school and it was absolutely horrible. Try and take a step back and maybe see how she feels about it. If she was drunk and in a dark place, she might have felt wrong about it herself. It's not wrong to want comfort in being with someone and if it was before you, there is no harm done to you two. Now, whilst if you were physically together in a CDR that might be something to be a little bothered about after as I see, 8 months together because most people would have done something by now, I don't think it's a bother LDR wise. She may not even be ready to take it that far.

It took me over two years to see my SO for the first time and I know for a fact I didn't feel ready in the least to jump into the sack, even though we had known each other over 3 years and dated for most of that. Or even that we only had 11 days to spend together until god knows when. Even though I was completely comfortable online, I was still nervous and shy about going so far after meeting up the first time. It took easing into it and getting used to him being around for me to do so. I can't say my situation is exactly the same as yours, but maybe it helps to understand why you two might not have. And as the others said, talk to her about it and also ask her whether she is ready to go that far with you.

[dougiefru]

We started close distance, that is the thing. It was only up until August that we went LDR. So, we dated from March til about May when we were extremely close distance, and then during the summer we would see each other about every weekend or every other weekend. So, I understand where you were coming from when if we were in an LDR this whole time it would be completely different. I've brought it up to her a few times and each time I do she gets extremely sad and hurt and I can never formulate exactly why it makes me feel so hurt. I don't feel comfortable bringing it up again because I feel as if I do one more time our relationship will be done for good, and I don't think I want that at all. I have told her subtly that I do compare myself to everyone and I am extremely insecure. So I don't want to be bothered by it, but it doesn't help that I can't get over it, although I really want to.

I think sometime this week I am going to go to talk to someone about my insecurities and such and maybe I can get over it. I want it to work out, I really do, and I know that she has love for just me, it just sucks that sometimes I think about the bad stuff rather than just focusing on all of our good memories that we have had before she left.

[marbear31]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, and I can sort of relate, at least on the insecurity part. My SO had been with several people before me, and while that didn't really bother me, the role of his ex (and baby mama) did. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that she'll always be in his life because of their son. I worried that I wouldn't ever measure up, and it took time for me to understand my feelings.

Something that really helped me process my feelings was realizing that every sexual encounter (and relationship) is different. I know you said you didn't have problems with her doing it in her relationships, but that what's really plaguing you is the one night stand. You've also already stated the exact psychological factors that [most likely] led to that choice. As LilyChiba said, one night stands are pretty damn common, and it's not something to be unexpected when you start dating someone, especially the older you get. I do understand where you're coming from--I know I couldn't give all of myself away without some sort of intimate connection--but I do also know it's easier to judge based upon my own preferences than taking others' minds and hearts into consideration. I'm not saying your SO does this a lot; I'm just saying it happened, and you are going to have to come to terms with that.

If my SO told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, my heart would be broken as well! From what I understand, you seem to have only tentatively mentioned why you feel this way to her, so I'm guessing your proclamation came a bit out of the blue for her. If you want any chance at salvaging your relationship, you need to get online now and explain everything you just said to us in this post. The poor girl probably thinks there's something wrong with her instead of it being an issue you have to work out in your own consciousness. I can tell you both still love each other, but please, please, for both your sakes, explain it's something that you have to come to terms with, not her.

At the end of the day, choices are choices, and no matter who we're with, they're going to bring pasts to the table, whether they're emotional, physical, or both. The test of a true relationship, in my opinion, is whether you can accept that past, mold it into a new understanding of each other and relationships, and move on from there.

I do hope you can work it out. I'm rooting for you guys! I think talking to someone you can trust is an excellent idea as well, and my inbox is always open.

Good luck!

[Riyko]

This might sound or seem harsh and i'm sorry in advance

It sounds like her having the one night stand is affecting your whole relationship and why you don't know if you are in love with her, but honestly if you can't get past the fact that she had a one night stand before she even met you then honestly maybe it's better off that you two aren't together. If you can't get past it now what's not to say it won't affect your relationship in the future or even when you get married.

[dougiefru]

Yea, you are probably right. If I can't get over this one thing, I can't give her the love that she deserves. And, it pains me to say that, it really does. But, I really just want her to be happy, and if I can't give her the happiness that she deserves, she will be able to find it elsewhere. She is a kind, generous, compassionate, beautiful woman. And if I can't give her the love she deserves, a guy who is wholly better than I in that aspect will be able to. I just want the best for her.

[digitalfever]

I'm curious as to how you ever plan to be in a relationship? People have sex, people engage in one night stands, and the older you get it's common to have a few
notches in the bed post.

If you can't get over this I'm sorry but it's probably best to move on.

[Black_Halloween]

Uhhh...There is one part in this that bothers me.

You said this:What bothers me is that that one night she let a guy that she did not even know have all of her, and while I have experienced a lot more of her, I find it extremely unfair. I don't want to pressure her into having sex with me, but I hate thinking that she had sex with that one guy that night, and we had yet to have it.

Just because she had a one night stand does not entitle you to have sex with her! You said it yourself that she was in a bad place and she made a mistake. How in the hell does that mean she needs to have sex with you? She doesn't need to do anything she doesn't want to do and tbh she'd be better off without you.

Workout your issues before you decide to be with anybody else, guy.