So doesn't want a serious relationship

[Dezface]

I think I am making my LDR my top priority, and I should not. I am scared to be exclusive because I feel like I have a lot more to live before I settle down.

That's what he said?

[ThePiedPiper]

I think I am making my LDR my top priority, and I should not. I am scared to be exclusive because I feel like I have a lot more to live before I settle down.

So basically he's manipulated you into thinking that this is what you want? That you're too young, at 22, to have a normal, serious relationship like anyone else? Or is that a direct quote? I don't mean to be so harsh but there is a lot of manipulation going on in this relationship from his end and a lot of denial and rationalisation on yours. If neither one of you can be honest about what you want/need from this relationship, how can you expect it to work for the long-term? You're both extending your heartbreak and postponing the end that's going to result from two different people wanting two different things trying to rationalise why what they're doing is okay... If you feel like you have a "lot more to live" and experience, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Period. Being in an exclusive, committed relationship does not mean you're settling down tomorrow. It means you're building a relationship with someone on terms you're both happy with. Unless you're happy having sex with and dating other men, which up until this point, I haven't seen you be, then this isn't going to work and I understand that you love him, but do you not see how hurt you (and possibly him too) are going to be by the end of this? Open relationships take a lot to work; they take trust, dedication, openness, honesty, compromise, sacrifice, ground rules, and they take both partners being on the same page and communicating effectively so that they can write new chapters together. If you want to have an open relationship with him, then there's a lot that needs to be worked out, but at this point it sounds like he's willing to tell you anything so he doesn't have to commit and you're willing to watch him have sex with whomever so he won't leave. This dynamic is incredibly unhealthy, not because he wants to see and date other people, but because you're subjecting yourself to denial or misery just to be with him, and you're both likely to end up breaking up as a result of it.

[MissKS]

No this is what I think "I think I am making my LDR my top priority, and I should not. I am scared to be exclusive because I feel like I have a lot more to live before I settle down."

[MissKS]

I have been planning to go to law school, and I haven't been as focused as I should. We're both really busy people. It stresses me out....I talk to him. I think I just get paranoid. It's a lot to have to balance. I am coming to think I am the one who has commitment issues because we had closed the gap and I moved back to where I am from.

[kteire]

No this is what I think "I think I am making my LDR my top priority, and I should not. I am scared to be exclusive because I feel like I have a lot more to live before I settle down."

I'm a bit confused because you've said both that you want and don't want an exclusive relationship, and I agree with everyone that it sounds like you're trying to make yourself be ok with not being exclusive. Maybe I'm crazy, but if you have a lot more you want to do before you settle down and you don't want your LDR to be a priority, I don't know why you'd want to be in one. All of that work, paranoia and stress for something that doesn't seem to make you happy seems like a bad idea to me. I really don't see how you're the one with committment issues, because you told him you want to be exclusive and he shot you down. He might have done it in such a way that you didn't see it as a rejection, but it was.

I would also just like to point out that having a committed relationship is hardly 'settling down'. I'm living with my SO after 2 years of international long distance, and we're hardly settled yet. We have plans to move around and to travel, but the only difference now is that we're planning to do it together. I'm in no rush to settle down either!

Maybe I'm being too nosy, but how long are you going without seeing each other that he's unwilling to wait to see you??

[ThePiedPiper]

I'm a bit confused because you've said both that you want and don't want an exclusive relationship, and I agree with everyone that it sounds like you're trying to make yourself be ok with not being exclusive. Maybe I'm crazy, but if you have a lot more you want to do before you settle down and you don't want your LDR to be a priority, I don't know why you'd want to be in one. All of that work, paranoia and stress for something that doesn't seem to make you happy seems like a bad idea to me. I really don't see how you're the one with committment issues, because you told him you want to be exclusive and he shot you down. He might have done it in such a way that you didn't see it as a rejection, but it was.

I would also just like to point out that having a committed relationship is hardly 'settling down'. I'm living with my SO after 2 years of international long distance, and we're hardly settled yet. We have plans to move around and to travel, but the only difference now is that we're planning to do it together. I'm in no rush to settle down either!

Maybe I'm being too nosy, but how long are you going without seeing each other that he's unwilling to wait to see you??

I agree with this. If you feel your relationship shouldn't be a priority because it's interfering with how you're living, break-up with him. The anxiety, paranoia, over-thinking etc. isn't going to go away because you decide to try and put your relationship on the back burner so you don't have to worry about who's seeing him naked and whether or not he's serious about you. And a relationship should be a priority. My relationship with my ex was committed, serious and a priority, but I was still able to go to school and have a job and have his understanding that those two things were necessary. Your relationship should not interfere with law school, no, but whether it's committed or isn't has no bearing on that. The seriousness of a relationship doesn't determine whether or not you follow through on something - you do, and he should respect that. The fact of the matter is people go to school, even intensive programs like combination medical school and PhD programs, and still hold serious LDRs. It's a matter of working together to find a balance, not choosing one or the other. In the end, it's up to you, but I think if you're so worried about this relationship interfering with what you want to do, you should end it, because if a serious relationship will interfere with your goals, then trying to be okay with something you're not will certainly interfere with them. Also, I don't see how you could possibly be the one with commitment issues. People move and have to move back. It happens. People cope/deal with it. It doesn't mean you deserve to be punished by him not being able to go without sex for a few months. The fact that you didn't sacrifice everything for forever doesn't mean you have commitment issues. If anything, given your wanting to go to law school etc., it probably was for practical reasons that you moved back versus being terrified of living with him?

[Black_Halloween]

Geeze, this guy has you wrapped around his little finger doesn't he? You don't have any commitment issues, HE does. He cant stay fully committed to you because he won't be getting laid? Sure, sex is important but its not important enough to decided wither or not he's going to committed to you. Do I miss sex? Fuck yes but i'm not going to sleep around because my SO is more important than something I can take care of myself with a little "self love" until we can be together. Its a small sacrifice and he's worth it.

He's the one who refuses to make a small sacrifice for you, think about it.

[MissKS]

Wow! You all really make me think. Thank you for listening and all the advice. I see all these things I didn't see before. If he really wants to be with me he needs to be supportive of my goals regardless where I am. If he doesn't then its not my fault at all and there's only so much I can do. (: I feel so much better... If he really loves me he will support my goals.

[kteire]

Wow! You all really make me think. Thank you for listening and all the advice. I see all these things I didn't see before. If he really wants to be with me he needs to be supportive of my goals regardless where I am. If he doesn't then its not my fault at all and there's only so much I can do. (: I feel so much better... If he really loves me he will support my goals.

Not only does he need to support your goals, he needs to respect how you feel. I think that's the most important thing for you to realise, otherwise it's going to cause more problems than it is already.

[MissKS]

Not only does he need to support your goals, he needs to respect how you feel. I think that's the most important thing for you to realise, otherwise it's going to cause more problems than it is already.

I agree.