Stupid insecurity of mine...

[ST25]

I'm scared of doing things off of the computer.

Why?

Because I'm scared that, if I find friends and start hanging out with them and not spend so many hours on the computer, he'll start to forget about me (or even forget that we're in a relationship). It's always been a fear of mine, stemming from an incident from my first long-distance relationship. I ask him if he's alright with me doing errands, going somewhere, etc and he always reassures me that's it's fine, that I go and have fun, that I don't worry too much. But gah! I hate to leave him on the computer because I always think I'm neglecting him or something. And I don't want to! Not to mention that, if he's not walking the dog or taking care of business with looking for a job and schooling, he's pretty much on the computer playing video games, watching Youtube videos, whatever. The reason why it worries me is because he used to go out with friends and such, way before he met me. Now I presume I'm pretty much the only one he talks to. And it makes me so terrible because he's done SO much in helping build back up my self-esteem (he's not an enabler, which helps), so that's why he stuck around a lot, which makes me stay longer on the computer just so he'd have some company. I'm scared that I'm depriving him of a social life, depriving myself of a social life, and it's making me a nervous wreck that it might be mostly my fault. He still loves me deeply but really, I don't know...

Help?

[blackframez]

You can't live life tethered to the computer.

If he truly loves you, and wants you to be your own person, doing things AFK will make him happy, too. The best thing is to see the one you love happy and enjoying life. Also, it's not your fault. Enjoy your AFK time and then maybe he will feel he is able to as well, then the time you spend together will be that much sweeter.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

It's a problem with relationships in general (LD, CD, Gay, Straight, Interracial, Polygamous...etc etc) when the people involved don't live their lives outside of each other.

I know you're scared that he'll forget about you, and that you'll fall away from each other, but the other risk is that you spend so much time trying to be together than you end up smothering and resenting each other because you're depriving each other of a life outside of the relationship. I bet that you can think of at least one 'friend' who's in a relationship, and every time you try to hang out, they blow you off for their SO. Y'know, the SO that they spent yesterday with as well. The SO who does pretty much everything with them except going to the toilet. To the point that although they think you're friends, you've not really spoken since they've been in that relationship.

I think a Long Distance Relationship can be a gift. It gives you all the freedoms of a single life - you can do exactly what you feel like in your free time, you've got the free time to hang out with friends, you can juggle your time around to fit you and your partner - with the benefit of actually, you're still in love, you still want to be with that person. It gives you the freedom to explore things you enjoy and things you want, by yourself, without actually being alone. You can share the things you discover and think with your SO, but you do get to do all that development for yourself. I hope that makes sense. The downside, obviously, is no physical contact. But can you imagine being in a relationship, and all the two of you do is just sit in the same room together? How long would that last before one or both of you went crazy? You'd want to go out and do stuff together, right?

You need to be able to live your life right now. Even if that means sacrificing some time talking to him. Because if the day comes that you two close the distance, and you're living together, doing stuff together, you're going to realise very very quickly that other than your relationship with him, you don't have much to do. And that's going to put pressure on the both of you, and your relationship. And then what happens if it doesn't all end happily ever after? You're literally starting your life again.

Yes, I may be trying to scare you a little bit. I did the whole 'YOU ARE EVERYTHING' relationship with my first-ever-boyfriend, and needless to say, when it ended, it wasn't just my relationship with him that had ended. I'd alienated my friends because they'd felt pushed out (quite rightly, to be honest), I hadn't properly talked to my parents for months, so they hadn't even been aware anything had been wrong, and all the stuff I'd been doing by myself I hadn't done for so long that I had to just completely start over. And it's terrible. And now I absolutely make a point of having my own life and my own friends and my own goals. Because it means that if my relationship ends, the world I've surrounded myself with doesn't end too.

Don't be scared. Make the most of the time you GET to be long distance, because it won't always be this way. Because although it's hard to miss the person you love, there's a hell of a lot of freedom in long distance.

[kacie]

Could you do something together away from the computer, like both join a class, so that when you are on the computer you have something to discuss and compare the different ways the class is, but both go out and still be social with others while still doing something together

[LittleBox]

Could you do something together away from the computer, like both join a class, so that when you are on the computer you have something to discuss and compare the different ways the class is, but both go out and still be social with others while still doing something together

This is actually a great idea We all have errands to do but if you feel like you're neglecting him you could text him whilst you're out so that you still maintain some level of connection. Neither of you should deprive yourselves of a social life and similarly you could text each other once or twice whilst you're hanging out with other people. It will give you that extra sense of reassurance and you can go about doing your own thing.

Just a little caveat though, like Biddly said if you spend too much time together things may get stale and you might end up smothering each other if you let your lives come to standstill for each other. You know how your relationship works best. My boy and I are contended spending hours on end with each other and time flies without us even realising. We still both do our own thing at times, I prefer spending my alone time curled up with a book whilst he hangs out with people.

[MoveAlong92]

I felt that way too sometimes
But yea, since you said its your insecurity, i bet you just assumed that you are depriving him from his social life, but really, that's just a possibility that maybe its just you who thinks that and he's actually fine with being on the computer all the time.

And past is the past, you said so yourself that hes fine with you going out and do stuff. So, don't worry and just go out and do stuff. If you still worried, than just ask him again whether he's really fine with you going out and all. I too once had a bad long distance relationship, and it made me paranoid and all. And i find that constant reassurance helps a lot with my paranoia.

[LailaSummer]

It's a problem with relationships in general (LD, CD, Gay, Straight, Interracial, Polygamous...etc etc) when the people involved don't live their lives outside of each other.

I know you're scared that he'll forget about you, and that you'll fall away from each other, but the other risk is that you spend so much time trying to be together than you end up smothering and resenting each other because you're depriving each other of a life outside of the relationship. I bet that you can think of at least one 'friend' who's in a relationship, and every time you try to hang out, they blow you off for their SO. Y'know, the SO that they spent yesterday with as well. The SO who does pretty much everything with them except going to the toilet. To the point that although they think you're friends, you've not really spoken since they've been in that relationship.

I think a Long Distance Relationship can be a gift. It gives you all the freedoms of a single life - you can do exactly what you feel like in your free time, you've got the free time to hang out with friends, you can juggle your time around to fit you and your partner - with the benefit of actually, you're still in love, you still want to be with that person. It gives you the freedom to explore things you enjoy and things you want, by yourself, without actually being alone. You can share the things you discover and think with your SO, but you do get to do all that development for yourself. I hope that makes sense. The downside, obviously, is no physical contact. But can you imagine being in a relationship, and all the two of you do is just sit in the same room together? How long would that last before one or both of you went crazy? You'd want to go out and do stuff together, right?

You need to be able to live your life right now. Even if that means sacrificing some time talking to him. Because if the day comes that you two close the distance, and you're living together, doing stuff together, you're going to realise very very quickly that other than your relationship with him, you don't have much to do. And that's going to put pressure on the both of you, and your relationship. And then what happens if it doesn't all end happily ever after? You're literally starting your life again.

Yes, I may be trying to scare you a little bit. I did the whole 'YOU ARE EVERYTHING' relationship with my first-ever-boyfriend, and needless to say, when it ended, it wasn't just my relationship with him that had ended. I'd alienated my friends because they'd felt pushed out (quite rightly, to be honest), I hadn't properly talked to my parents for months, so they hadn't even been aware anything had been wrong, and all the stuff I'd been doing by myself I hadn't done for so long that I had to just completely start over. And it's terrible. And now I absolutely make a point of having my own life and my own friends and my own goals. Because it means that if my relationship ends, the world I've surrounded myself with doesn't end too.

Don't be scared. Make the most of the time you GET to be long distance, because it won't always be this way. Because although it's hard to miss the person you love, there's a hell of a lot of freedom in long distance.

That sounds a lot like me... Gosh, that helped me too, thank you.

[ST25]

Thank you for your replies, everyone! It is starting to put me at ease, but I can make sure to ask him if he's really fine with me doing other stuff. But I want to be able to suggest that he have a life outside of the computer too, without seeming rude...

[fishto]

Same position I'm in except I'm in the position of your boyfriend.

I dont do much, I go out with friends now and then but mostly I sit at my computer or phone awaiting a message from my SO. Meanwhile she is an athelete so she spends a lottt of time training and being unable to talk to me. She has said many times I'm worth more to her than all of that other stuff and she'd give it up for me in a heartbeat. What did I think? Being selfish I wanted to say "Sure" but meh. she needs a life outside of me, not to mention I'm extremely proud of her and to call her mine. ^^

Point being, no matter what he says, have and maintain a life outside of him. Not only does it give you both something to talk about when you do talk, but it also means if anything ever goes wrong with your relationship, you wont have cut off everything and you will have something/friends to go back to. He'll find a way to occupy his time, but if he's anything like me, no matter what he does, he will be constantly thinking of you and checking to see if you've come back yet.

Have you both got iphones? I found iMessaging is fantastic, whenever she goes out or I go out, we can still iMessage even if its just to say "I'm thinking of you". of course that's now bugging my friends that say I am buried in my phone everytime I go out >_>