Liking two people?

[Maxy]

Me and my ex dated for a month. We were friends before, and still are after breaking up. Due to it being a long distance relationship, my parents made me break up with her and stop talking to her, and the rest of my friends I met online. I may be 18 and all but since I'm still at home during college, I'm still under their rules. Since the only reason we broke up is because of my parents, we decided to wait for each other. That break up was in March of 2012. It's January now, we've almost made it a year waiting. The thing is, throughout this wait, there hasn't been much communication. We barely talk, and I always start conversations, except for every once in a blue moon. No, it isn't my parents' fault. I asked my ex how she felt about me, and the situation. She said she still liked me, and she would wait. She even said that if things went well with the waiting, the future would be great..

On the other hand, there is this amazing girl, Amanda. We've been talking for about two months, and honestly she just an overall great person, and is one of my best friends. We hit it off from the start. However, my heart was wanting and still wants my ex. Amanda told me that she liked me. She knew about my situation, yet still liked me. In fact, she still does. She even said she was falling for me. What do I do? I wouldn't mind dating Amanda. Yet I don't want to give up on my ex and don't think I can..I want to keep waiting for her. I don't want to break it off if my ex won't. I want my ex to be the one to end the wait (end it with me), if things come to that. I just don't know what to do. Waiting for my ex is what I'm doing. But what about Amanda? It's hard to go on knowing that she likes me, and is being my best friend at the same time. I told her to move on, but it doesn't look like she can..what do I do with all of this? My parents don't know I talk to them still. Bringing it up to my parents is impossible, they won't listen, and probably won't listen until I'm done with college. I want to get this situation with my ex and Amanda figured out first though. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Black_Halloween]

My advice when you can't chose, is to not chose either because if you really felt that strongly for one person nobody else would come to mind. Your ex seems like shes veered off of the promises you guys made a YEAR ago so please don't hold out for somebody whose not willing to put the time into talking to you. But, you also need time to deal with the heartbreak so you should tell Amanda that its a no go and that you can only be friends. Maybe hangout a little less to let her get over you.

Its a crap situation, but you'll get through it!

[Jango]

Hello, I actually disagree with the last post...
it seems your ex isn't making much effort, where as this Amanda is and that's important..

My advice, don't rush anything. Right now its hard to see, but give it a while and you're feeling will come through...
Keep talking to this Amanda though.

[MattDavies86]

I'm in between the first and second posters here, when you really like that one person, then there shouldn't be any thoughts for another person in this way, but in long distance it seems a little harder, not really sure how to advise you but you have to decide which you want to be with more and be honest with both

[Irina_Linn]

from a girl's point of view,i would first ask whether ur ex still willing to wait,because if she really does and you can see that,keep up to the promise you made.however,if you know its a dead end,just let it all go for a while and then try all over again and brand new start with Amanda.
by the way,i met my SO when we were at the dead end with my ex,also kinda waiting for each other,and now its been 2 years and 3 months we are together with my boyfriend.i am happy i was able to push away the past and look towards better future.so you shudnt be afraid of that as well

[kteire]

Not to be bleak, but I think it's a bit too general of a statement to say that if you really care someone you can't have thoughts of other people. I think that's true early on in a relationship, but I think it's natural to be drawn to people - what's important is how you act on it.

If this girl that you're not in a relationship with is really worth the wait and is still interested in waiting for you, I don't understand why she never communicates with you. It sounds to me like she may have moved on. I think you need to talk to her in order to sort out what's going on with the two of you. I know that you said the only reason you broke up is because of your parents, but it was a real break up and people do move on - and to be honest, the whole 'we'll wait for a while until the circumstances are better' thing tends to just be a thing people say to make a break up easier.

You shouldn't put your life on hold for a girl that you were with for so short a time when you're so young, particularly when it sounds like you two barely have a relationship anymore.

[Alsfia]

I was in a similar situation, but without the parental restriction. I was in a LDR with my ex but there was no communication, when I met my SO. It was really hard to choose, but I took the risk and ended it with my ex. What really helped me decide was probably when I started feeling obligated to talk to my ex if he was online and felt that interfered with the time I talked to my SO. All you really can do is talk it through thoroughly with both Amanda and your ex and think the whole situation through. To be alone a little might not be such a bad idea. Good luck!

[ThePiedPiper]

Not to be bleak, but I think it's a bit too general of a statement to say that if you really care someone you can't have thoughts of other people.

To defend BH's point, I am assuming she was responding directly to the OPer, who is discussing active attraction and interest versus attraction or a passing thought; the latter, yes, is normal, but I would not say the former should happen in any committed relationship without there being reason for it to.

I have always believed that if you can't choose between two people, then you shouldn't be with anyone. Forget the Depp-type philosophy; in my opinion, it means you're not ready for a relationship. While I do believe that falling in love and working to maintain that love is a decision made by both partners, it's not done by lining up 2 or more women with the intention of pros and cons lists and deciding who would be best sitting on your arm. If you're torn between two people before you pursue a love interest, it's going to end up causing problems down the line, so my advice on this one is to sit tight and to not do anything beyond what you've already done.

Secondly, your ex does not have the power to tell you to move on and for you to follow through on that. Whether she told you to move on or didn't, you're still going to be hung up because you've still got it in your mind that you'll wait for her. She's not waiting for you. She's hardly interested in you. It's not fair to expect either one of you to wait for the other because by the time that you've left college, you'll both probably have been moved on anyway. It's easy to stay caught up in the fantasy of someone when you hardly speak to them, hardly get to see how they've changed, and so on, but you'll both have changed so much in one or two years that you won't even recognise each other anymore. And if she's talking to you like she'd talk to a partner on the few occasions you both get to talk, she's leading you on. Point blank. Because no one who is interested in pursuing something more than a friendship will only talk with you occasionally and will only very rarely initiate conversations when it's been a while. My opinion is cut her out completely because keeping her in your life is only allowing you to hold on to the false hope that someday you two will get back together. Stop saying you need her to tell you to move on before you can finally move on. If it's too hard for you with her hanging in the balance, leave. Tell her you need a break. Take some time to cry, feel like crap, and heal. But moving on rests in your hands. Not hers. She's moved on and you're clinging to false hope and fantasy. It won't work. So do something about it. Take your life into your own hands or this is going to be a reoccurring problem for you.

As for Amanda, you've been honest with her so so long as you're not leading her on, I think you're fine with what you're doing. I think the real problem here is your inability to accept that your ex has already moved on, that neither one of you are ever going to be together, and the fact that it's your responsibility to get over her, move on, and make your life what you want it to be; when you're holding back like this, there's no one to blame but yourself. :/

[Black_Halloween]

To defend BH's point, I am assuming she was responding directly to the OPer, who is discussing active attraction and interest versus attraction or a passing thought; the latter, yes, is normal, but I would not say the former should happen in any committed relationship without there being reason for it to.:/

Exactly, Miss Piper. Thank you.

[XxFranticLovexX]

Do you actually have an interest in Amanda or are your feelings all for your ex? The title of your thread makes it seem like you have feelings for both but your post makes it seem like you really only care for your ex in that way.

Personally I think you should let Amanda know how you feel at the moment and what is going through your head. I also think that you should talk to your ex and see where she stands on the situation (you two being together again and waiting for you, not how she feels about the other woman). Then once you have everything laid out for you, from both sides, take a little while for yourself and figure out which one you really want to be in a relationship with and which one you want to leave behind in that sense.. if you even want to be with either of them at all. Yes, people can have feelings for more than one person, but they almost always have stronger feelings toward one than the rest once they actually think about it and get to the bottom of how they feel.

What do you think would be best for you? When you hear the phrase "I want to be with her" which one comes to mind first? Who can you see a relationship and future with? Which one is willing to work to be with you? Which one are you willing to work to be with? Which one can you not go more that a week without thinking about or talking to? If told that you had to choose one over the other and never contact the other again who would you choose? When you think "I love you _______" who comes to mind first? You get a message from both at the same time, who do you want to reply to first? Weigh the pros and cons of how you feel about being with each person. Which ones pros outweighs the others? When answering the questions to yourself go with who pops in your mind first and don't think on it.. that's where the like starts to blur. Somewhere inside you I'm sure you already know who you want to be with, you just have to take the time to realize it for yourself.

If, in the end, you still can't choose or find yourself not wanting to be with either then you should probably step away from everything, gather your thoughts, go a couple days without talking to either and see how you feel then. Sometimes it takes a real push for people to make decisions and sometime the decision is clear once they take a step back and look at it from a distance.

But then again, I also agree with ThePiedPiper to an extent. My opinion really varies depending on the situation and only you know the extent of how things work within your relationships with each of these women. I don't believe that you should sit back and do nothing toward a relationship with either of them because there is such a thing as waiting too long and being too late, but I do think that you need to look at the situation objectively.
... and this statement probably just contradicted my whole post but, like I said, it depends on the dynamic of how things work with the three of you. If you have enough contact with them both I believe that what I first said is best, but if you don't then I think Pipers advice may be better to some extent.

[Tanja]

I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt.

You're 18 and you dated your ex for a month. You can hardly call that a relationship (nor call her an ex cause that requires that she is your gf first). A month is not nearly enough time to get to know someone well enough to decide to wait for them a whole year. It's quite obvious that she's not interested in you anymore. You guys barely talk and she doesn't initiate a single conversation? That's a hint as clear as a day.

I don't know why you're so hung up on your "ex". Maybe cause she is a fantasy, something wonderful you expect but deep down I think you know it's not going anywhere and just don't wanna let go of the idea?

I don't think you're in love at all mate, you're just hooked and you're being played. I don't see a reason why you and Amanda couldn't continue to become more than friends. She's there, she talks to you and is clearly letting you know she likes you. Whereas your "ex" doesn't keep in touch or show any signs of interest. Why would you wanna pursue something like that?

You're so young too. Stop wasting anymore time on a dream and start living your life. It has good things in store for you if you just choose to see them.

[Maxy]

If this girl that you're not in a relationship with is really worth the wait and is still interested in waiting for you, I don't understand why she never communicates with you. It sounds to me like she may have moved on. I think you need to talk to her in order to sort out what's going on with the two of you. I know that you said the only reason you broke up is because of your parents, but it was a real break up and people do move on - and to be honest, the whole 'we'll wait for a while until the circumstances are better' thing tends to just be a thing people say to make a break up easier.

I wonder from time to time how she feels. I did ask her if her feelings have changed since the break up. She said no, and that her feelings for me were the same. I asked her if she planned to continue waiting. She said yes. I'm trusting that this isn't just her having me as some kind of rebound. Yet I still wonder if she truly has moved on. I feel like I'd be in danger of annoying her or something, if I bring this up again, since I did this recently..

[ThePiedPiper]

I wonder from time to time how she feels. I did ask her if her feelings have changed since the break up. She said no, and that her feelings for me were the same. I asked her if she planned to continue waiting. She said yes. I'm trusting that this isn't just her having me as some kind of rebound. Yet I still wonder if she truly has moved on. I feel like I'd be in danger of annoying her or something, if I bring this up again, since I did this recently..

If she cares about you even a little bit, why do you two "barely talk"? :/

[Maxy]

If she cares about you even a little bit, why do you two "barely talk"? :/

Good question. I texted her yesterday and today, no answer. I plan on texting her once more, then waiting for a text from her. I want to figure out what's going on so we can communicate more.

[ThePiedPiper]

Good question. I texted her yesterday and today, no answer. I plan on texting her once more, then waiting for a text from her. I want to figure out what's going on so we can communicate more.

Maybe. I'm honestly feeling like she's having you on. You could very well be convenient for her. Doesn't seem that if someone was risking their ass to talk to you, when you were waiting for them, you would talk to them less often than not. I think you're going to ultimately get your heart broken, so proceed with caution and be careful not to smother her. She probably got your text and there's probably a reason she has yet to respond. Maybe she's busy or maybe she's trying to send a message. But I think at this point, it'd be worth it to determine whether or not you're going to regret passing up other opportunities if (and likely when) she decides to be honest. :/ All the signals are reading that she's not interested, regardless of words, but I hope you two get it figured out one way or the other.