Is my jealousy normal?

[Loverbunnyx]

Background story:
I've known my lovely boyfriend since September 12th 2012. We were friends for about 2 months before we developed feelings for each other. We met in person on December 9th, 2012. He stayed for an unexpected 2 weeks. He was more than I could ever have hoped for, and honestly is what I imagine the word "perfect" to be. He feels the same way about me. So much so that I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me. The passion is unreal. Here's the catch.. I am from Maryland, USA and he is from Québec, Canada (Let me tell you, the French Canadian accent is HOT). The drive was only about 11 hours. He didn't have a passport before he met me, and I felt so special when he did it just for me. We're planning on him coming back on February 9th! I'm very excited!

The Problem:
When he hangs out with friends, I get kind of jealous and angry after a while. He doesn't even have to be doing anything CRAZY or EXCITING. Like right now he is at his friends house and they are playing Call of Duty. It makes me kind of jealous that he would rather go to his friends house for 8 HOURS (and counting), then talk to me! Since we live in different countries, we can't text because the rates would be ridiculous. And even if it was free, he doesn't even have a cell phone (I don't know how he manages that..)! I'm sure if it was free, he would get a cell phone just so talking to me would be easier. So our only way of communication is Skype. It especially bothers me because I had a job interview today, and he knows that I am sensitive and would have felt sad if I got denied the job (thankfully I did NOT). Last Friday I found out bad news about a different job and I was pretty bummed out about it, but he still decided to make last minute plans to go hang out at a friends house until 2 am! I was not very happy about it and I expressed it to him, so why would he do it again today knowing I could get some bad news? I am glad he's having fun, but sometimes I just feel like he's kind of selfish and doesn't think about my feelings. He's definitely NOT a selfish guy and I know I'm his world, but DAMN sometimes a girl just wants to talk! Especially after a sad and/or eventful day! I know I'm probably being a little bit controlling or irrational, but has anyone else ever felt like this?

[ThePiedPiper]

Have you guys considered setting aside time for date nights once or twice a night? It can be hard learning the balance between a relationship/"work" and play, and it takes communication and patience from both ends, but it can be done. About how much time do you two get together as it stands?

[Loverbunnyx]

Have you guys considered setting aside time for date nights once or twice a night? It can be hard learning the balance between a relationship/"work" and play, and it takes communication and patience from both ends, but it can be done. About how much time do you two get together as it stands?

That's the thing, we talk A LOT. If he isn't working and neither of us have anything going on, we will talk on Skype almost the whole day. It is kind of ridiculous, but we both enjoy it since we miss each other. I guess my main problem with it all is that he makes plans on important days for me. I've been having a rough few months with moving back with my sister and trying to find a job and everything, and he has been my rock through it all, but it seems like he's unavailable when I need him most, lately.

[Loverbunnyx]

but it seems like he's unavailable when I need him most, lately.

And if I mention that to him, he will agree with me that he may not have made the best decision/timing. I'm just frustrated that he can't make his last minute plans tomorrow or another less important day .

[ThePiedPiper]

The only thing I can think of is that you might be relying on him to the point he sometimes feels the need to have a break and spend time with his buds for a while. The other thing is that he may not know what's an incredibly important day for you because of the fact you've been relying on him so often. I feel like sometimes, when we go through a rough time, we perceive them as not being there when we need them most, but whether they weren't there because we had a breakdown or because we got yelled at, we'd still perceive each as being at the same level of "bad." This might be an area where you two could try and find some level of compromise, or where you could learn to be okay with it. It sounds like he devotes a lot of time to you and does try to listen to you, and I think you need to accept that sometimes he's going to want to hang with his friends and you need to take it less personally. If it's on a particularly rough day, write him an e-mail or a letter that you two will discuss when he's home. Find other outlets, through this forum or another forum. Talk to friends. etc. None of it's the same as your SO, but I feel like any time he would be unavailable would be the "wrong time," simply because that can sometimes happen when we're going through a rocky time. I think the best thing to do in this case would be to find alternatives for dealing with your emotions when he's not around and learning to be self-sufficient until he's available. I think learning to be okay with his outings with friends, which don't sound like they're interfering frequently with your talk time unless I'm misunderstanding, is what will help you two get over this hump here. But as far as your original question, I do, and think we all do, understand the jealousy/feeling of needing them now while they're off with friends.

[MattDavies86]

Nothing really to be jealous about, he's only playing games with his mate, he still has to have time for his friends as well as you, it's all about balance, it's clear he's crazy for you anyway if you talk so much and if he drove 11 hours and got a passport just to meet you, i think it's pretty common place for a lot of people to be jealous, it's a way to show you care, but keeping it under control is a different story, not many have the self restraint lol.

[Rugger]

He still needs time with his friends, believe me. He needs time to unwind and cool down without you. I think you need to lighten up about this. Sure you have a job interview, but his entire life doesn't revolve around what you are doing with your life. You are two separate people, with separate lives. You have to be. You said that you talk almost the whole day, give the guy a couple of hours to veg.

[Mims27]

This is something I have been dealing with as well. I get jealous when my SO spends time with other people as well. But I have realised that it's not that she's rather spend time with other people than me but that's she's allowed to do stuff on her own and with other people rather. She tells me all the time that she wished I was there with her doing these things but this is what LDRs are all about huh?

Looks like you guys have a pretty good communication system and talk quite a bit, so you shouldn't be too too worried when he's out having fun with the guys. Perhaps find yourself a hobby to keep you busy during those times? That is something I need to do as well but I haven't quite figured out what I want yet. lol

Now, if he leaves in a time where you NEED him, you must tell him. Tell him you need him. Because he can't guess when you need him. I had a similar situation happen where I really needed my SO but I didn't open my mouth to tell her. And instead I got super upset because she wasn't with me. Turns out, she just didn't know I needed her. So don't assume he knows. I acutally learned this from the people here at LFAD. hehe

So to answer your question, yes it is normal...I think at lot of us have been there. We just have to work at it hard and not let it get the better of us. You can do it!

[digitalfever]

I think you need to take a step back and realise you have a good thing here and that there is NO reason for you to be jealous. He's doing normal everyday things for himself and you should be aswell.

Making plans last minute can be a pain but to be honest sometimes you just want to get out, or maybe he doesn't want to talk right then and there and would rather go out with his friends but to be honest we all have those days!

I'd say you just need to relax.

[Verojoon]

I used to think much the same way as you! I knew I was being irrational, but then at the same time I would justify to myself that maybe I had a reason to get upset.

This forum is such a good outlet for this... Now when I have a bad day and I don't want to only rely on my SO on hop into the chat room in here, talk it out with people... and if I still feel like I need him, I send him a text. It's too bad he doesn't have a mobile phone. I'm in Canada (actually I can walk to Quebec from where I live! and I am originally from Montreal, Quebec) and my SO is in the U.S. and our phone plans allow US/Canada texting, "International" for our cellphone companies means outside of US/Canada... so we are good! Otherwise, there also apps that can be used. Oh and since he's the one going out maybe this doesn't help that much, but when I didn't have a mobile and he did, I used to use gtalk to send texts from my computer to his phone... so if he ever wanted to send you texts, he could that way!

I know how hard it is, but it is so good for your SO to still go out with friends... you don't want him to just be in his room on his computer with no link to the outside world other than you, do you? It's a balance the two of you will have to learn. My SO started doing something lately, where he will skype me for 15-30 minutes before he goes out to hang out with his cousins. I love it! I feel like he thought of me, made some time for me, but that I am not keeping him from having a full life! He doesn't text me out when he's out because he doesn't want to be rude... so sometimes he might as well not have a mobile.

Oh and another thing that someone mentioned that worked so well for me, was to write him a huge email when something is bothering me or I need him in some way and he's not there. He always said he loved my emails... and now that we find more time to talk he says he misses my long emails... They are so good to sort out your feelings and work out any negative things.

Good luck! Your relationship is still new and I'm sure a big part of the problem is just learning the balance!

[Irina_Linn]

you know,my mom once told me one thing...many people would disagree,scream at me,tell me i am a heartless bitch and dunno,would love to see me banned from here but i still wanna say it. you are no one to him at this very point. now please dont get mad.first time she told me this about my SO (2 years together by the way,when she did) i was like WTF.She then explained and it actually helped me to look differently at the relationships.You aint his sister.You aint his family.You aint married to him.Therefore technically you have no right to feel jealous or demand something as for NOW you dont owe him anything and same goes for him.Yes,you are in love but still you are in no way bonded to him in a way that enables you with some special rights.I hope you aint getting me wrong.The point here is that whenever you feel jealous or sad or annoyed,just remember that actually you should be grateful this person is in your life and loves you and is willing to share his time and love with you
i hope no one is offended by what i said but it helped me actually to accept certain things in my relationship in much more chilled way