Update- it's bad news

[Kerry]

please forgive me if this gets too lengthy. my fiance was told that he didn't have lung cancer. the person who told him that lied to him. his pulmonologist was calling to confirm his appt. and when he mentioned what he was put on hold and another person cam on the phone and told him that he did have stage 3 lung cancer and the dr. thinks it's spreading. he was told by that other person he didn't have cancer either earlier this month or last month (I forget offhand). all this time he's had the symptoms of it. my fiance wasn't able to visit me as he wanted on xmas or new years so I flew him up here this past wednesday. he was supposed to leave tomorrow. while I was at work on thursday he heard all this news. we weren't talking on thursday- had a stupid fight- but we talked about what was troubling me friday morning. so we had a nice day together and he was sitting on his news. he finally tells me about it friday night and says that he has to leave. he has to be alone. I beg him not to leave and tell him he can have time alone (we were staying at my sis' apt) and I would go home. he was so insistent that he have time alone. I was like ok- I can give you that- time. I didn't want to leave but what choice did I have? he had never been up here to see me before and he was threatening to leave. when he's home he deals with everything alone. so he agreed to stay at my sis' apartment. he even told me that I could come back in a few hours. i said I wanted to take a piece of his luggage so he wouldn't leave. HE GAVE ME HIS WORD HE WOULDN'T LEAVE. I believed him because he;s the man that I love. so I leave and I'm gone for maybe 10 minutes when I'm like- screw this- I'm going back. in the 10 minutes I was gone he bolted. he hitched a ride to the train station and early saturday morning- sometime between 3 and 8am- he leaves here. I had no idea where he was and called & texted him like crazy. by the time he finally told me he was on a bus it was too late- he was in baltimore.

so as of right now, he's in virginia and has to hitch a ride because he's in the middle of nowhere. so he's coughing up blood, shaking, with stage 3 lung cancer (maybe 4) with little cash and no credit card (he refuses to get one). as of now I have no idea what his status is. all I know is I can't stop crying, I've barely slept since friday, and I don't know if my fiancee is safe while hitchhiking in virginia.

everything is a mess.

[digitalfever]

I’m being perfectly honest when I say this: Let him do what he has to do to come to terms with his illness. Don’t fight with him, don’t get angry with him just let him to what he needs to do to accept that he has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.
I say this for a few reasons:
1. He’s grieving the loss of a life as he knows it. Not only does he have to come to terms with what being healthy meant he has to understand how being “unhealthy” or “ill” is going to affect the way he lives his life, the way people treat him and how he’s treats himself.
2. He has to come to terms with the fact that there is a HUGE battle ahead of him no matter what he chooses to do. If he decides to fight the cancer and get treatment that is a huge fight in itself OR if he wants to let it take its course that’s also a fight.
3. He has to accept that what he wanted for his life may no longer happen or if it does happen it will happen at a later date. He’ll have to accept that all his energy is going into fighting this.

As for him leaving, I’d make it known that you are beyond here for him and will be there for him in any capacity that you need to be (given the LD constraints) and that you love him deeply and will stand by him. I’m sorry this is happening and if you ever need someone that has been through something like this I’m here to lend an ear!

[LittleBox]

Its hard and no words can console you. He's scared and he's reacting in this frazzled way because everything is unraveling for him too and he doesn't know what to do other than run. Speaking from personal experience its very difficult to come to terms with a potentially terminal illness and it takes a while for reality to sink in but between that time frame you can't think straight, you don't want anyone to see you in your weakest moment, you want to hide and hope the disease doesn't catch up with you and find you. Let him lash out and be patient with him. If he runs, let him run. If he hides, let him hide. If he yells, let him yell. Let him you know you love him and will support him 110% through it all. He'll try to push you away but hang on, and hang on with all your strength. Eventually he'll come around and understand. He'll need to lean on you and borrow from your strength because honestly he'll have lost all his energy and spunk.

[Moon]

Kerry, please don't get upset with me, I'm only writing this out of concern for you, truly. Something doesn't sit right with me about this diagnosis, but I'm only basing this on your posts, so it's very possible that I'm horribly wrong. Are you absolutely sure he's being 100% honest about his condition and the timeline? If he has decent medical insurance, doctors do not fuck around with lung cancer. They don't screw around with diagnosis and treatment. They can and do make mistakes, but not for so long over something so deadly serious, he would have been referred to an oncologist and a team of specialists immediately upon suspicion, and been put in treatment right away when diagnosed.

That being said, if he's uninsured and relying on clinics, it could be very different. Also, perhaps he's too scared to pursue treatment and doesn't want to tell you, and is ignoring his doctors, I don't know. Have you actually been part of any of his conversations with his medical team, or observed him coughing blood? Like I said, I'm probably very wrong here, but something just seems wrong, and I apologize in advance if I've upset you, I really don't mean to.

If I am wrong, I agree with digitalfever, he needs to deal with this in his own way, and you have to be patient with him until he can come to terms with his diagnosis. I'm so sorry, this has got to be incredibly difficult.

[TwoThree]

That being said, if he's uninsured and relying on clinics, it could be very different. .

One of her older posts hinted at him having a not-so-good health insurance, so it could be that.

Kerry, I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope you find a way to cope. As others said, the best you can do is let him know that you are there for him, and give him as much space and time as he needs to adjust to the situation.

Best of luck

[Kerry]

thank you for your encouraging words and advice.

my guy made it home last night and he's really sick now. he has insurance only thru the county that he lives in so that means it's very specific and the clinic is open only certain days and you have to wait weeks for appointments. if it takes weeks for appointments just think how long it takes for specialists and testing- months. he hurt his back a year ago this past november and it's still untreated.

what burns me up is they knew that he had this stage 3 cancer and no one told him. his biopsy I believe was back in november and he just finds out now??? welcome to county insurance.

I would think this entire thing is made up if I haven't seen how things work. when i was in texas I took him to the hospital for testing but wasn't there when the docs spoke to him because I had returned home. after a test is done it takes weeks/months to get seen again.

I've let my honey know that I'm gonna be there for him no matter what. he did say that if he's terminal he wants to move up here and spend his remaining time with me.

[Xanahtas]

I am so terribly sorry to hear this I agree with everyones advice, he will deal with this in his own ways and you just have to be patient and support him. My thoughts are with you both.
If you ever need to chat, my inbox is always open *hugs*

I wish you all the best xxx

[Sharon Q]

Moon is right ,doctors don't mess around with something so serious.

I am sorry that you are going through this, my mom went through it. It's very hard. My best advice I can give you is to be there for him and help him in anyway you can. I send my love and hopes for him and you as well, if you want to talk just message me

[Riyko]

Actually you'd be surprised what doctors do no matter how bad something is (personal experience with my grandpa and his lung cancer). Just hang in there and let him do what he needs to do, give him his alone time if he needs it. He'll come around when he's accepted and understands everything fully and if he's not being honest with you shame on him.