Back.... And super sad! Help please!

[redapple]

*summary at bottom!*

Hi everyone!

Just got back from my first visit to see my SO since going LD late last night, it's 7am here now and I'm struggling to sleep so I thought I'd post a quick update.


Had an amazing time, I was there just over a month. Not one argument (though we've never really argued in our year and a half anyway, both too lazy) and it was great to spend our official 18month anniversary together!

We went to Singapore, where he lives, and visited cambodia and Vietnam for just under three weeks. Had an absolute nightmare with flights but that's a whole other post! We basically had the best time, laughing lots, having fun and basically just being how we usually are together, which was nice to know things hadn't changed.

Anyway before visiting he'd only been gone about two months, just over. For quick background we'd been basically together for a year and a half, living together for the last 6months ish of it. So two months felt forever but I had flights booked so i knew when I'd be over and it was manageable.

Now I'm facing an unknown amount of time (probably May-ish but could be later) til the next visit which will have to be much shorter anyway. It just hurts. And the gap after that could be even longer.

We had such a good time together that I just feel returning to LD is going to be so unsatisfying in comparison. I just feel really lost and like I can't handle it.

What makes it worse is I really don't think he's happy there. He says he likes it to everyone but I felt his attitude was a lot more negative then it usually is for him. Over the holiday he also said he disliked the food, some of the cultural differences and quite often the place. I just don't feel he is totally happy but I can also sense he doesn't want to admit that. He's also only been there three months and has a minimum of three to go.

Which leads to to my question. Basically his housing contract runs out in late August and his boss thinks he's working til at least October but really she thinks it'll be January 2014.

Before he went I told him he had to do what was best for his career, even if that meant extending the time away from me past August. But now I just feel so lost without him and with me feeling like he's not really enjoying it I feel I want to encourage him to come back earlier.

Is it really selfish if me to tell him to try and come back earlier? His boss wants him to stay longer so I know me saying the opposite will add stress to him. Maybe I'm feeling super sensitive because we've just got back from a visit. I don't know. My gut instinct is to keep quiet and let him make his own choices but I also think this will eat me up with stress!

Help and opinions please!

SUMMARY! Realised this is pretty long so.... Basically is it unfair for me to ask my boyfriend to cut his contract at work shorter by 2-6months so that he can come home earlier because I'm struggling with the distance?

[Irina_Linn]

hey! i made it through your post! ^^ umm i dont think its selfish,its just the matter you have to discuss with your bf.it would be selfish to pressure and manipulate, but if you honestly and openly discuss and if he doesnt mind....should be OK but does he have other working option if he comes?

[Malaga]

In any case I think you need to have a conversation about what your priorities are at this point. Obviously yours is closing the distance, but what about his?
Once you're both clear about it, you'll know better what to do.

For example, for us closing the distance is not the top priority at this point. Soon but not yet. We both feel like there is stuff yet that needs to be done before we go into it.

[Hyacinth]

going LD again after having been together for an extended period of time is really hard. i was with my SO for 7months and we had to go LD again. it's been the worse time for me.

so, i don't think it's selfish of you to ask that. but unfortunately, the relationship is not about us only. it's also about our SO. you're asking him to come back sooner coz you need him, he might see that, but then just feel stressed out and pressured by you. this might affect your relationship.

also, is there a financial aspect to this at all? i.e. will the money he is earning (and will potentially earn), from this job, HELP with closing the distance between you guys? you know, money for visa purposes, tickets, accommodation, etc. if there IS a financial aspect to him keeping this job, then he will definitely be considering this.

i think you should discuss it with him, in a very friendly, open minded way. without making him feel any sort of pressure.

and all the while, remember that you've lived LD before, so you know you CAN do it. it'll just be harder this time around coz you've actually lived together.

[Kiyama]

Will it affect his career negatively if he leaves early? Will he still get a good reference if he leaves early? He hasn't been there that long yet so far so I can imagine it doesn't look too good on his CV.
I think those questions are crucial to make such a decision or even have a discussion about it with your SO.
I think we can all relate to you. We all wish we could the distance sooner but sometimes we need to suck it up because it would be unwise to do it. The first few days after a visit are always the hardest but you'll get used to it, even if you have to wait till May to see him again. It'll go quicker than you think so chin up

[iHeartt]

Kiyama took the words from my keyboard!! I don't think its selfish. Like the others have said, its a matter you'll have to really discuss with him. But my first thought was about his career. Seems to me as long as it has no negative impact on his career, then all he can say is no and the reason why. But you need to be prepared for that as well.

[Moon]

I think you need to wait a couple of weeks, then ask this question again. You just got back, your emotions are raw, you need time to adjust back to LD life. None of us are sure we can handle it anymore that first few days back, but we do, and we manage to go on Don't bring this up with him yet, give yourself time to settle in first, so logic, and not emotion, can be part of the conversation. If this is good for his career, then a year is nothing, it'll be over before you know it. Anyone can deal with a year.

[Fltricia]

Give yourself a few weeks to get back into your skin. My SO left around Thanksgiving and I was fine through the holidays and he even came home and suprised me on Christmas for a few days! He left before New Years and the last three weeks have been rough but each day is getting better. I think it's one of those things you have to go through to get through. It's not selfish. I'm with a professional athlete and though I never wish him harm or pain, when he tells me he will have to retire soon because his body is getting older and he is starting to have injuries I feel somewhat relieved. I would rather come home and massage his sore body than have him far away.

[redapple]

thanks for all the replies!

He's a PhD student on an program where he is based in the UK but is funded by a university in Singapore. He therefore has to do a placement with them in Singapore, its supposed to be for two years but the actual contract is 6months-2 years. The longest he would do is 16 months. So if he left early he'd come back to the University we both work at in the UK and continue his work here. His work in the UK is of really good quality so it wouldn't hinder him like that but he does need to get some results from Singapore before he can leave to keep them happy. I don't think it would affect him in terms of money as he's on the same wage he was on in the UK but he did get money for settling in (about £500 i think) and im not sure what the terms are for that.

They're not giving him a reference so that's not a problem and theres no visa problems, its just a case of him having to stay for at least 6months to fulfil the contract. Though he hasn't really done any work there yet (the program is really badly run so its taking ages to get started, another reason he's not too happy there) so he needs to do some work before he can come back.

I havent spoken to him yet since coming back, i think im just really missing him! I think i'll follow the advice to let myself settle back into the LD thing a bit more before saying anything. Its just sucks that im not happy without him here and he's not happy there. Seems so stupid! Oh well i guess you've got to do things in life you don't want too. I know its not that long really, im just missing my man. Hopefully i'll settle back into work quickly and get a bit more distracted and stop over thinking so much.

[Hyacinth]

I havent spoken to him yet since coming back, i think im just really missing him! I think i'll follow the advice to let myself settle back into the LD thing a bit more before saying anything. Its just sucks that im not happy without him here and he's not happy there. Seems so stupid! Oh well i guess you've got to do things in life you don't want too. I know its not that long really, im just missing my man. Hopefully i'll settle back into work quickly and get a bit more distracted and stop over thinking so much.

oh, you poor thing. i feel for you, coz my situation is a little similar. and where i quote you above, you've pretty much given it in a nutshell.

i specially relate to where you say "i guess you've got to do things in life you don't want to". my SO has been away from me during pregnancy precisely because of this. we didn't really have a choice and his work was binding. so, we just had to get on with it. we've been miserable apart, but there was no way round it really. just one of those things. and like you said, you're just missing your man. that's what it really boils down to isn't it.

i hope once your routine settles in, you'll feel much better. will he be returning to the UK for hols? or do you have plans to go over again?