dealing with SO's mother

[Hyacinth]

hi guys <3

i could really use some advice on this topic. it's been source of great stress for me in the past few months and it's one of the reasons i'm NOT looking forward to my possible future in UK.

basically: my mom in law is a control freak, she's admitted this to me. i met her for the first time after being with my SO for a year and a half. so, she was NEVER a part of our relationship. i met her, realised she's not the type of person i'm gonna get along with, so we never met again. until i got pregnant in May/June. we met up a couple of times. i thought she'd suddenly experienced a change of heart and was really touched at how nice she was being. specially coz i've no family in UK.

i was wrong. all she cared/cares about, is the kid in my belly. doesn't give a crap about me. i'm just a means to an end. the couple of times we did meet after i got pregnant, she offended me quite a few times.

then ensues the fiasco holiday in my country with my SO and his mom who joined us for 2 wks with a friend. i was pregnant, morning sickness at its best, hardly eating, some trouble with a family member and top it all off with the mother in law from hell (emotional blackmailing, lotsa drama). but thank God for my family, who were just being absolutely patient and loving towards my SO and his mom.

i should mention that my SO was a changed person whilst his mom was in the country with us. a person i didn't recognise.

it was just too much and i felt no support from him.

my SO knows all about my feelings regarding his mom. but he defends her by saying she doesn't mean the 'offensive' things she says and that's just her sense of humour. ... (i don't buy that).

but now she's emotionally cornered him and insists she wants to be a part of the child's life and he obviously wants to give her what she wants.

i should add:

other than a forwarded text message that she sent to her friends in my country, and my Dad and myself, i have not heard from her since she left on the 8th of Sept. 2012. not a single text or email to ask how i'm doing. i haven't bothered keeping in touch either.

also, my SO and her were never particular close prior to my pregnancy. things only changed when she realised she's gonna have a grandchild, so she kinda jumped right into the middle of our relationship in an attempt to control.

the BOTTOMLINE is: i do not want her to be a part of my or my kid's life. she's fake and has no respect for me whatsoever. so, i don't see why she deserves to be around my child given she treats the unborn child's mother like crap. in front of my SO and my parents, she acts all nice but when we're alone, that's when she insults/offends me or makes unreasonable requests.

so, i'm not looking forward to my possible future in UK because he wants her to be a part of it all of a sudden, coz of our soon-to-be-born child.

i'll finish with this small but important point: when i was younger, i was in a relationship where ex's mother drove me near to depression. i was very young and naive and didn't know how to handle being pushed around. but that stopped eventually. now, i don't take crap from just anyone. the only thing is, i love my SO dearly and don't wanna cause him unhappiness.

please help? any input would be most appreciated and i apologise for the really long post.

thanks guys <3

[Moon]

Ummmm, it's just not as easy as " i do not want her to be a part of my or my kid's life." and that's what you get. Like it or not, that's your SO's mother and your child's grandmother, honestly how you feel she treats you has very little to do with it. She might be a difficult person, but your SO loves her anyway, she's his mother, and it's unfair for you to try to make him choose between you, unless she's extremely toxic or unbalanced. You don't get to pick your family, you're stuck with what you're born with, and when marriage comes along, like it or not, you're stuck with what he's born with, too. She doesn't have to love, or even like, you to be a good grandmother, as I said it has little to do with you, she could end up being a terrific grandmom. Not giving your child the opportunity to know his or her grandmother just isn't right, you need to see how it goes before you make that decision. The two of you don't have to get along for your child to have this relationship. That doesn't mean you let her control anything, you have a conversation and make yourself crystal clear with her about what's acceptable and what isn't, you do get to make the rules in that regard. If she refuses to follow them, then you decide about limiting contact, but for the sake of your relationship, and for the sake of your child, do not make that decision yet, because I'm pretty positive it will not have a good outcome in the long run.

[Hyacinth]

That doesn't mean you let her control anything, you have a conversation and make yourself crystal clear with her about what's acceptable and what isn't, you do get to make the rules in that regard.

hey moon, thanks for the input. i guess what you say in quote above is the main thing. i get to lay down the rules.

without going into too many details which i don't feel comfortable sharing, let's just say i do not trust her to take care of my child by herself. she's asked to have the baby over the weekends but i do not trust the woman to take care of my child.

one of the main reasons why my relationship with my ex ended was coz of his mother/family. and it kinda feels like this has become an issue in my current relationship as well.

[Moon]

hey moon, thanks for the input. i guess what you say in quote above is the main thing. i get to lay down the rules.

without going into too many details which i don't feel comfortable sharing, let's just say i do not trust her to take care of my child by herself. she's asked to have the baby over the weekends but i do not trust the woman to take care of my child.

one of the main reasons why my relationship with my ex ended was coz of his mother/family. and it kinda feels like this has become an issue in my current relationship as well.

Yeah, but you wouldn't ever really do that until the baby is older anyway, and by then you'll have a much better idea of the kind of grandmother she'll be. You never know, your opinion could change a lot. If it doesn't, you just tell her straight up that you aren't comfortable with weekend visits yet, and won't be for a while. Trust me, diplomacy is your friend in in-law situations, managing to somehow get along will make better for you, your child, and your SO. It's not always possible of course, but if you've tried your best, then you won't be the one at fault. Be flexible and look for the humor in the situation and it'll make your life easier, because unless you start dating an orphan, in-laws will always be involved, and there will always be a different family dynamic than what you're used to.

I've been married twice. My first ex's family I loved to death, for the most part, they really became my family even though they were way, way screwier than my own. Our two families couldn't have been more different, but I adjusted and opened myself to it, and was better for the experience. My second ex's family sucked, for the most part. I really disliked both my mother and father in law, one of his brothers was a drug addicted wife beater (his other two were pretty OK though), his aunts, uncles, etc. were all fine, but having to sit through holidays and things was awful, but I did it. Fair is fair, he joined my family's events, so I had to deal with his. I never said a negative word about them, they were his family and he was close to those wretched people, but I made sure to limit mine and my daughter's (not his child) time with them, but tried to keep it fair. You don't have to like your MIL, but you will have to deal with her, so you might as well make it as pleasant as you can . Good luck.

[Hyacinth]

Moon, thank you so much for your precious feedback. i really needed to talk about this and you totally get what i'm saying coz you've been through similar stuff.

i will try and be more reasonable. i think it has all been very hard because of my pregnancy/hormones + LDR. i'll try and take things one day at a time when it comes to this and i'll try my best to not overreact.

you are sooo right, the one thing i'm proud of is that i've never been out of order to her since i've known her (even though she claims i have been, but she's a drama queen and SO knows i've never been out of order).

once again thank you, and if i feel like i'm losing the plot some time in the future, i'm gonna come running to you for more wisdom! loll ^_^

[Moon]

No problem, anytime!

[iHeartt]

Moon is right. This is the grandmother of your child and the mother of your SO. She's in your childs life for good. It sounds like you've tried your best to get along with her. With that said, don't give up, stand your ground, and keep trying. I don't have kids, but I have had a long term relationship ruined by a mother-in-law. Looking back, I realize what I did and didn't do that either helped or hindered our relationship. I'd sit down with your SO and let him be aware of issues you have with her. (not in a threatening way at all, you feel this and you feel that and why). Let him know you will not be treated poorly in front of your child and will defend your self appropriately (and nicely as possible since you're trying so hard to make your relationship work with her!). Yes, the child is her grandchild, but YOU deserve respect as well. Let him know that you dont feel comfortable with him always (if this is the case for you, it most definitely was for me!) taking her "side" and defending her words and actions. He needs to stand up to her as well. With you as the mother of his child, again, YOU deserve respect as well as her.

Please don't take this post as I'm being mean or giving you mean advice or to be mean (that would just make things 100% worse!!). It just hit on a nerve with me! You need this woman in your life because of who she is. Try to get along with her. I've learned the hard way that some people on this earth just need to be put in their place (or stood up to!) ONE time and they are forever changed.

[elizabethjp2010]

I really dont think its that easy, its not fair to your SO or the child to keep him away from a whole section of their family. I understand you have grief with this women, and even though i am all for talking it out i can understand where it might be hard to talk to someone older than you about a touchy subject such as this. I would let her know, she can not disrespect you in front of the child.

My parents got pregnant before i was born, and my grandpa didnt come to their wedding and then he came to visit and wouldnt hold me. Then when we went to Canada, he would hold me but was being mean to my mom and my daddy looked at him and said " john how long are you going to hold this against rachelle, theres nothing she can do about it and if this is how youre going to treat her then we wont be coming back." My grandfather hasnt ever been like that since. I should also mention that is my moms dad. So my father stood up to his in-laws. That might be what you need to do. Even with all that strife i know my PaPa loves me alot, and he respects my dad because of it.

[Hyacinth]

thanks guys for your responses. i'm feeling particularly emotional tonight and reading your posts and knowing you guys understand just makes me feel a sense of relief i haven't felt in a long time regarding this particular situation.

at iHeartt: my SO is already aware of how i feel about this whole mother in law situation. the major problem i face is that when she's around us, he sides with her and i feel no support. and when she's gone, i feel as though he's giving me the cold shoulder. but when i start asking questions, that's when he finally admits that he doesn't think that i'm out of order or at fault at all for what's going on. my Dad tells me to go easy on my SO because he thinks my SO feels caught between his mother and me. i totally understand this, but having been through one relationship which failed heavily due to an overbearing mother in law, it's hard to go through same again. and i'm worried for my relationship with my SO. i do not want it to suffer because of his mother.

don't worry, i do not think you are advising me to be mean or anything like that. i get what you are saying. and i should mention, that i've never been out of order to her. i've always been patient and understanding and just dealt with all her nonsense. unfortunately, when you say i should stand my ground etc... well, the ONE time i tried to make a point by being a little firm (i wasn't rude or anything), the next day, she emotionally blackmailed my SO and told him i was totally out of order to her (he was there when i spoke to her so he knows this is not true) and she blew the whole bloody thing out of proportion. and my SO simply does not cope well with all this emotional drama. and it was really hard for me to refrain from fighting with him over it all. my mother in law turned my life into hell at a time when i needed the most support and my SO let her. i felt and still feel really let down in that respect and am worried even if i try laying down the rules, it won't work because she seems to think she can always have her way because her son lets her. all she has to do is kick up a fuss, pull a tantrum, cry. and he gives in.

at elizabethjp2010: as i just mentioned to iHeartt above, i've tried talking before, but she's a drama queen. control freaks do not understand the concept of 'talking things out'. on the contrary, as an older person, twice my age, she should be the understanding one. but the roles are reversed.

i've tried my hardest since day one of meeting her. she's just one of those people who doesn't understand that in personal relationships, no one's supposed to have the upper hand over the other person. it's supposed to be about love and respect. and after being through a horrible first marriage where ex was mean and mentally abusive and his mother was same and the pair of them drove me to near depression. my mother in law reminds me of my ex and his mom (what a combo! ) and to be honest guys... i don't ever wanna go back to that state of near depression.

i'm a changed person now, i've grown up and stand my own ground but coz i've been there before, it's pretty scary to think there's a person in my life again who reminds me of a very dark place in my past. and i'm scared that coz i want my SO to be happy, i'll end up compromising/adjusting too much if mother in law is part of our lives.

[Zephii]

I don't have enough time for a decent length post because my mother in law is talking at me... but!

One easy solution to the problem of the baby staying at your MIL's place without you is to breastfeed. Seriously, I'd recommend it to anyone, because no matter what, at some point they have to hand the baby back to you. There's no replacing you if you breastfeed, and no one can tell you not to, because it's what's best for the brat

You can't however just lock this woman out of your lives sadly.

I can't remember how long you said you'd been with your SO, but I have hope for him because at the beginning of our relationship my SO was the same. His family could do no wrong, and he'd turn a blind eye when I was treated badly, and woe betide me if I spoke out against them. Eventually I cracked it with him and I'm like "you get away with this now because they are family and I'm not, but you reckon you want to marry me and then I'll be family too and you'll have to grow some balls, open your eyes and speak up - because if you don't I will." Over time he did learn, sadly that was after his sister wrecked our wedding night, but oh well. So yeah, keep talking to him, and provide examples of how he changes when the mum is around because he probably hasn't noticed himself yet.

And I feel for you. Once there's a baby, inside you or not, you stop mattering to a lot of people. Some people have even said it to my face lol. But you get used to it

[Hyacinth]

@ Zephii: yup, breast is best lol. that's exactly my plan

the only reason why this stresses me out is because i know, for my SO's happiness, i will try, AGAIN, for the umpteenth time, to get along with the woman. only because it's his mother.

on another note, i live on a tropical island, hence, HEAT. she's sent all this stuff for the baby from UK... and it's all thick/warm stuff, even cardies. and 3/4s of his suitcase was filled with all this randomness, so he ended up being unable to pack some other things that i wanted.

i tried not to flip. i tried to look on the bright side, that he's actually with me now. lol. gaahh!! mother in laws!!!!