Falling back in love?

[Rugger]

Do you thing It can happen?

A couple of you know what's going on with me and my SO * via blog or posting in Vets*, but We're in a rough patch right now. The past couple months, I've been unhappy. At first, I tried to look at it as a passing thing, because I had an episode last year where I was unhappy and I snapped out of it. It all came to a head when we moved in together. He was in such a rush to move out of my parent's house. I wanted to wait a couple of months and get settled, find an apartment we really wanted. I relented because I wanted to make him happy. It's been downhill ever since. I'm just not happy, with everything in general. Our lives had become routine and that's not how I wanted things to be. We're young we should be out doing things.

I wouldn't even go out with my friends anymore ( he thinks my close friends are weird) and I felt obligated to spend time with him ( thus not going out with my work friends) because he moved down here to be with me and because he has no friends in our area. It was killing me. Finally I talked to him about it and we've been talking ever since. At first, he tried to smother me, Being in my space 24/7, getting up earlier to spend time with me, He threw a hissy fit in the movies when a guy from work texted me. We talked about it and he told me he knew he was doing it, but he did it anyway.

** Little bit of background: one of the guys I worked with kissed me at the Christmas party. He said he was sorry and we've talked about it. He admitted he likes me ,but is very respectful of my space and said that I need to do me. I need to do what's best for my relationship and that he understood b/c he was in a similar situation with his ex. We went on being friends like we had been before the incident**

I love my boyfriend. I enjoy spending time with him and he makes me smile, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I don't feel the same attraction. Nothing he does turns me on like it used to . We stopped being intimate because I felt like I was going to cry every time. I just didn't want to, but I wanted to make him happy. I'm tired of not enjoying sex. I just don't have any drive to. I don't know if it's just with him or it's in general.

We've been trying to spice up our lives, I picked up boxing 3 times a week, We go out to dinner, this weekend we are going to a hotel to get a change of scenery and relax. The next step is us taking a break, me moving back to my parents and trying to date like we did when we first fell in love.

I don't know what to do. I want to be in love with him again. I want that passion and that spark. I've been trying everything, but seem to get foiled at every turn.

DO you guys think it's possible to get the spark back after it's gone? DO you think it's possible to fall back in love?

[dragonlady]

it is possible to get the spark back again but it's hard!!
make sure that everything is allright between you 2 and talked everything out
take 2 night's in the week that you go to "bed" early kuddle do fun stuff, build it up (NO work talk, or other talk in the bed room beside fun talk!!!)
send naughty tex messages and stuff look or read some stuff that turn's you on, experiment get some cuff's, blind fold's any thing you can come up with
my SO had a nice idea yesterday, both waer a blind fold
and this may sound strange but go out, do some thing's for you'r self have a girl's night out and stuff
when you'r so close to each other 24/7 heel it would me go nuts to!

good luck!!!

[ThePiedPiper]

I think it's possible to get the spark out if things are stagnant and stale, but I'm hesitant to say you can get back the spark if you lost it by falling out of love. I say this only because that's what happened with my ex and I. I wanted to make it work. I put in the effort to try and figure out what I needed and wanted the both of us to pursue it, but by then it was too late. I was telling people I wasn't in love with him anymore, that I didn't feel in love with him anymore; I wasn't simply complaining that I was bored. I think it's important to determine whether you've lost the spark or whether you've lost being in love with him, no matter how much you still might love him as a person. Sometimes we fall out of love faster than we want to, before we even want to, and sometimes even when we don't want to at all. Sometimes it happens and we have to accept that, being as young as we are, sometimes things change and sometimes we (or they) change without us realising it until falling out of love happens. But while I agree with dragonlady's comments, I'm in agreement only so far as you two want to rekindle your spark. Falling back in love again is not ever something you should have to do, even if bringing back the spark/passion is.

[hans]

Hi, sorry to hear you feel like you do. It's hard to give any advice, you simply have to make up your mind on your own I guess. But I can give you some of my experiences.
I had a divorce about 3 years ago now, and the relationship was not good for many years before that. The feelings/love for each other was gone.
I think what triggered the decision for divorce was that we simply had been going for so long that we could not stand to just continue without any kind of change. So we agreed to get professional help. We went to some sessions together, and was suggested different things to do to come closer to each other again. During that time I realized my wife was not interested in really trying to improve our situation, she was content with the way it was, and I wasn't. As I saw it, it's really a question about how I would like my life to turn out in the long run, and I did not like to go on living like that - for the rest of my life. A divorce/split-up is never easy, but the alternative is not easy either...
I think I have heard some statistics on successful "repairs", but have forgot. - and of course it's possible. I think it's depends on both persons intentions to change and so on if the attraction can be brought back.

So my advice is to ask yourself: Try to define an write down - what is it that makes you feel like you do about the relationship. And talk about the situation together, maybe together with professional help. Somehow you 2 must agree on your way forward.
Hope this help and best of luck

[lucybelle]

I think you're taking the exact steps necessary to get the spark back. It sounds like you are both working to salvage your relationship. You both are communicating well and compromising. Just give it time and patience. I think the spark is still there it's just a little dusty right now. Good luck!

[Carenza LaRue]

I think you should talk less..... and start doing things that make YOU feel happy.

it's not impossible to fall in love again with your SO. but maybe you use reasoning too much... forgive me, English is not my first language...
what I am trying to say.... use your mind less and your heart a bit more.

think about what made you love him in the first place, focus more on his positive sides.
if you think about the negative things all the time, you will attract more negativity.

go out and spend some time on your own.... and FEEL what your heart's desire is.
so you can act upon it.

best of luck.....

[mllebamako]

I think it's totally possible and like LB said, you guys are doing the right things. It seems like you are both making an effort and both really want it back. Relationships go through seasons- I remember reading a book by a couple who had been married like 50 years and they said that there were entire 3-4 month periods where they actually disliked each other. That was something that surprised me at the time and now I can see how that can happen.
All you can do right now is keep trying, give it time, and see how it turns out. But I really do think it's possible.

*hugs*

[summerkid]

I think it is possible, i think you're on the right track...and i think you should try going to a therapist. I only saw a therapist by myself, never in a couple scenario, and I can tell you it does world of good...and I have a good friend who was going through a similar situation and they went to a therapist ( weren't married...both in their early 20's) and it really helped them.. and now they're together and happy
either way, i hope it works out for the best

[Moon]

I can be possible, but you need to work on it, and it isn't easy. I think you both need your own hobbies and friends and start spending time apart, you both need a chance to grow on your own, and a chance to miss each other a little. I think you might be better off spending the night with your girlfriends at that hotel, instead of him. Give yourselves space to breathe and appreciate each other a little. If he can't find his own friends, make him sign up for things like a men's basketball league at the Y or something, anything to shove him out the door a couple of nights a week. Also, regardless of what he thinks of your friends, see them anyway, it's important to get that girl-time in. Good luck, if you're both dedicated to this, you can do it.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I think Moon has a point - if part of you is resenting him because you don't have your own lives outside of the relationship, that's something you need to work on. It's all well and good doing things together to get the spark back, but if part of the problem is that you're together too often it may exacerbate the issue of feeling too smothered.

Both of you should work on your individual lives - I know it's difficult, because you feel like it's your duty to spend all your time with him because he moved for you - but the truth is that your close distance relationship can only develop if you allow it to, instead of holding onto the long distance "he moved here for me" guilt. Because realistically, are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to spend all your time with him to prove you were worth moving for?

I still agree with putting the effort in, to get the spark back, don't get me wrong. I think maybe you should try, every day, to remind yourself of the things that you admire and love about him. Because there's nothing like thinking about your SO lovingly playing with an adorable animal to put a little warmth back in your heart.

[digitalfever]

Both of you should work on your individual lives - I know it's difficult, because you feel like it's your duty to spend all your time with him because he moved for you - but the truth is that your close distance relationship can only develop if you allow it to, instead of holding onto the long distance "he moved here for me" guilt. Because realistically, are you going to spend the rest of your life trying to spend all your time with him to prove you were worth moving for?

I couldnt agree with this more.

Let go of the guilt and develop your own life outside of him and encourage him to do the same. Have your own interests and have interests/hobbies you do together. He doesn't like your friends? GREAT! You can go out with them and he can do his own thing. You don't like his buddies? GREAT! Perfect time to catch up on some reading, shopping and what not. Just because you guys like together doesn't mean you have to spend all your time together. I'd say the most important part of maintaining a close distance/live-in relationship is also having your own thing going on.

[Rugger]

Moon, I'm going away next weekend to visit my best friend at her place and Monday I'll be with another friend having tea. I do get out once in awhile.

Thanks everyone. This has really been a trial for me. I don't feel like myself. I know I care about him. I don't want to see him hurt. I've always devoted myself to everyone else being happy.

Normally he's so understanding and this morning he got annoyed with me because I didn't want to be intimate. I think after this weekend I'm taking a break.

[ams.201220]

After three months of being in a long distance relationship, my SO and I just kept arguing at every chance we had. We're really similar, so we just argue about everything. And we almost broke up three times, then last week we broke up and now we're back together. And honestly, I feel that there isn't a spark like there was when we first started going out. I'm not a relationship person to begin with, so this has been hard on me from the get go. But I'm trying to find it again, because he's trying to rekindle it. So ask yourself, why did you go out with him in the first place? What attracted you?

[Verojoon]

I didn't read all the answers, so I'm sorry if I'm being repetitive, but you sound like I was with my ex. I was with him 12 years... I fell out of love with him after being with him for 2 years. I desperately wanted to feel the spark and kept working on it for 10 years. I kept making excuses to myself. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm just not a passionate person. Maybe there is something hormonal wrong with me and I don't like intimacy. Maybe there is something physically wrong with me... I spent 10 years feeling guilt about my relationship. We sometimes went as long as a year without physical intimacy because the thought of being with him that way would make me cry... He went right along with trying to help me find out what was wrong with me... Whenever I felt a little spark for someone else, I tried to leave him... because it gave me hope that maybe something wasn't wrong with me... But he would get my family involved and I always ended up staying...

I married this guy after one of those attempts at leaving him... we decided maybe I was unhappy because our relationship felt like it was going nowhere... then I had children for the same reason... I don't regret anything because everything led to where I am now... but it was not an easy path...

[Zephii]

I think sometimes you've been in a relationship catering to someone else for so long you just forget who you are and when that happens it's easy to fall out of love. Part of the reason I love Obi so much is because I love who I am when I'm with him.

I think that fun and touching are the two things that will bring it all back if it's possible to do so (I believe it is). Fun will release endorphins, touching (hugging, holding hands) will release oxytocin. If you're at the point where you can't handle touching, perhaps you could go for a couple's massage together - it combines good touching with being together in a low pressure scenario.

It sounds like you're on the right track though.