I feel like it's time to end this..

[MissVampyxo]

A lot has went on in the past year: I moved to Florida for about 6 months, got my first job, and found out what it was like living in Florida with the SO. Being here, I was happy- but with HIM. He still lives with his parents and his parents especially mother, stressed me out beyond belief. Since then, I had to stay in Ohio due to health issues and am no longer living in Florida. I've been planning out college here (Which I was originally going to do in Florida) and go next month to meet with an advisor. But- with everything that's happened, I feel like it's just time to leave this relationship. I do still love him, but i just feel weird now. When he left- I was obviously sad and crying days before and when he left but the next day- I've been fine. I've been sad but I haven't been crying and feeling miserable like I had in the past when he'd visit. I still miss him, but I feel like I'm starting to fall out of love and am getting sick of this waiting game. We've been together for over 2 years and he still doesn't have a car, a steady job, and still isn't done with college. when I was there his parents helped and pitched in money with me to get US a car- and in the end THEY took 'our' car for themselves and sold theirs....
I'm honestly not happy with his family, they drive me crazy and I don't like them. And he's just been disappointing me over and over. Though he is even more depressed because I was there for 6 months and now I'm gone- but all my things are there. He hasn't been through it before so he's been in a little shell all depressed....
But he's just not making an effort anymore about a job or anything and it's just ruining things for me. I want him to get a job so he can support himself and start to try and move out or get himself a car or even save for moving here. We've discussed and he said he would move here after college (Yet we don't even know when that's going to be. It was supposed to be over by the next year but now i think it's a different story.) I mean I do still have feelings for him and I want to not even write this because I can't believe that I feel this way... but I just think it's over.

Even if I do end it, like I said a lot of my things are there so no matter what happens, I will need to still talk to him to get my things back. and I don't think he's evil enough to throw it out or anything...
and I have told him that I'm iffy about the relationship and he says that if I want we can take a break- but I think I ... I just don't know what I want out of this anymore. and I don't know how to break it to him that I don't think there's any fixing it.

Honestly I think moving there was the biggest mistake because that's a lot of the reason I feel the way I do now- yet it's a good thing. His family is what started making me question if he's who I want ... I mean I honestly cannot stand them! I just.. don't know what to do or what exactly I'm even feeling.

I'm also afraid of what will happen to him if we break up... I'm afraid he may harm himself or just give up on everything in his life, and I don't want to be the cause of that.

[Black_Halloween]

Why does his family have such a huge weight on your relationship and your feelings for him? Sure, you'll have to deal with them long term but they aren't your SO. Your relationship is only between the two of you. I get that you don't get along with them but why can't you play nice for his sake? I mean think about it....his girlfriend and family don't get along, that must make him feel awful I play nice with my SOs sister even though she gets on my nerves, because well..she's his sister.

As far as everything else goes, how does he keep disappointing you? Because he can't find a job? I've been looking for a job since last October while on unemployment. Its not like he can snap his fingers and find a job. Also...no job, no money to save. At least he's going to college so he'll have a better chance when he graduates. My parents give me money too so help me get by when I need it. Am I proud of it? Hell no but that's life.

I get that its frustrating. You make plans, they don't workout and you have to come up with a new plan.

I think you really need to think about this more.

[MissVampyxo]

Why does his family have such a huge weight on your relationship and your feelings for him? Sure, you'll have to deal with them long term but they aren't your SO. Your relationship is only between the two of you. I get that you don't get along with them but why can't you play nice for his sake? I mean think about it....his girlfriend and family don't get along, that must make him feel awful I play nice with my SOs sister even though she gets on my nerves, because well..she's his sister.

As far as everything else goes, how does he keep disappointing you? Because he can't find a job? I've been looking for a job since last October while on unemployment. Its not like he can snap his fingers and find a job. Also...no job, no money to save. At least he's going to college so he'll have a better chance when he graduates. My parents give me money too so help me get by when I need it. Am I proud of it? Hell no but that's life.

I get that its frustrating. You make plans, they don't workout and you have to come up with a new plan.

I think you really need to think about this more.

His mom was an angel in the beginning, but then was constantly borrowing and needing money and would take weeks to pay it back. As soon as I'd get money she'd borrow it ASAP and it was driving me insane...then I took the $2k I had saved for college to buy a car but his parents INSISTED on buying us a car and taking my 2k as a down payment. I wanted to just use it to get a cheap car because his parents already can barely afford their own bills let alone a car and insurance! They got us the car, and from day one was constantly using it and saying it was because they didn't have the money for their own gas and we never really got the car because they always had it. Then his sister's car broke down and then we had NO car for months! THEN we finally had gotten jobs and got to use the car as our own.....for about 2 weeks then it went back to square one because his mom SOLD THEIR CAR TO USE OURS!!!! His mom is just over-aggravating to me and she's a liar and I just don't like her. The rest of his family - I could write a novel. Not to mention another reason why I had to stay home because his mom said she wasn't and couldn't pay for my insurance right now. Him and I actually had our first fight over that car because I KNEW his parents wouldn't be bale to afford it and look how it turned out! It also took his mother about 3 months to put me ON the insurance!


But I do honestly play nice with them, I try my hardest and the only person who knows I get annoyed is his mother because he tells her almost everything. He's a super momma's boy and that's another reason he and her frustrate me.


He's disappointing me because he's not even trying to do anything. He's still trying to get back the job that they he had! They told him they didn't want him because he was slow, etc and he's still trying to get a job there after numerous no's! He applied one place since he's went back home and won't even apply somewhere online. I haven't gotten a job either but I've applied every single place possible online AND in person. He's just not making an effort anymore and I have to TELL him to do things like laundry, or apply somewhere, or look up something for school. I just don't want to have to be his second mom. I want him to want to do these things by himself. Before he left I mentioned that he should ask his dad or family if they'd buy him a ticket to come visit me on his spring break and he said he would a few days after he got back home. Has he asked? Nope, not at all. So if he does decide to, it's going to be at very last minute and nobody's going to buy it for him because the ticket prices are going to be ridiculous.


He's older than me, but I don't like feeling like I have to be his mommy.

[Moon]

I definitely agree that you need to stay in Ohio, and get your future sorted out. You were really young to move out, and that makes things so much more difficult. Whether you should end the whole thing, I don't know, it depends on if you can wait long enough to finish your education. If you think you can, then OK, but if that option seems unbearable, maybe it is time to end things and focus on the stuff you need to do for yourself. As you've discovered, it's just too hard to live with in-laws most of the time, and it'll be a few years until you two could feasibly more on your own, so moving back home really was the best decision you could have made. I'm really sorry it didn't work out

[Black_Halloween]

Oh boy, O_O' That does sound like a nightmare. I'm sorry that's he's not willing to even try to look for a job. Maybe its time for you to just focus on yourself rather than trying to (like you put it) mother your SO.

[dglynn77]

He's older than me, but I don't like feeling like I have to be his mommy.

^^This. I've been in past relationships where we were in love, but I realized if it went any further I would always be like their mommy and they wouldn't learn to handle responsibility on their own. It sucks being the one to always have the burden and worry on you. I'm sorry you are in that situation now. Best of luck!

[Kristin91]

I feel like your mind is already made up and you want us to validate it and say that it's okay to break up with him. Don't make us decide for you, we're not in your relationship and we're not there. Do what you think is best.

[Zapookie]

He's older than me, but I don't like feeling like I have to be his mommy.

This is how my SO was. I didn't want to have to ask him to look for jobs either, I wanted him to WANT a job. I didn't want to have to ask him to do laundry or take out the trash (but sometimes I have to do that lol). Now he's finally working on it. They say that men need to be trained to do things because it's just not something they really think about.

I get that these kinds of things can make you fall out of love with someone. How can you love someone who has no drive, no will to really do anything? It's difficult, but not impossible. I think you should focus on you and your education but I don't feel that you should give up on him just yet.

[Tooki]

Your SO sounds like me from 3 years ago. I was working in a dead-end job, living at home and doing nothing with my time.

I wouldn't give up on him just yet. I eventually realised how stupidly I was living my life and I got my act together and went to university. I ended up moving states (not unlike him moving to Ohio for example) and I feel a lot better for it.

[Kiyama]

You are very young and so is he I assume. If he was much older, I'd be talking differently but at this age, it's not that unsual to still live with your parents. They pay for his education and so of course he has to put up with them (so do you) and he is very close to them. At that point I don't think it needs to be a reason to break up. People sometimes take their time to grow up and you change a lot in your twenties so just because he's a bit lazy now with no drive doesn't mean it's going to be like this forever.
I think you made the right decision to move back home and focus on your education. So just sit back and take it as it comes I would suggest? Unless there are other reasons involved you haven't mentioned of course.

[digitalfever]

In all honesty, I think it's great that you can identify what you need from your partner and his family. It's perfectly normal to want someone that is working in getting their life on track, it's also OK to not like how his family treats you and identify that as a deal breaker. I'd focus on yourself, work on your goals and allow yourself the time and space that you need.

[Secrecy]

I agree with those saying you made the right choice to move back and allow yourself time to focus on yourself and your own goals. But at the same time, I also agree with those who are saying that you might not want to be so apt in being disappointed in him and wanting to end it just because he seems to have no drive in doing anything. People, and it seems men especially, take time to grow out of their laziness. They tend to mature slower than women, and take a bit more time to get on their feet, or so it seems. My boyfriend is no different right now, but people must understand we're both young at 22. He's too careless and lacking motivation and he knows it; he doesn't do much to improve his current situation now. He's working a job that pays him minimum wage and is living with his parents. He's not in university, but I also take into account that he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, and I also understand that I wouldn't want him to go to university for whatever random thing he picks out of a hat and end up hating it and wasting his time and money for something he didn't really wanna do in the first place. He doesn't know how to drive and he never looks for a better job... He never puts paying off his credit card debt first, and always puts it to the wayside. Hello bad credit from the get go.

But do I think that he will get better? Absolutely. I think people just grow into their drive and their maturity, and some just do it at slower paces than others. While he may not be doing it right now, I do hear a desire and an initiative to do it. He'll just say randomly sometimes "I need to think of what I want to do with my life." Or, "When you graduate, I'll be sure to have a better job and my own place so you can move here comfortably." And, "It would just be really too much for me to afford a car anytime before I'm 25 (insurance drops at 25), but I'm sure I can get a different mode of transportation because I want to have some kind of wheels for when you're here." And vespas aren't too much of a farcry there. I see the desire, and I think as he gets older and more mature, that desire will turn into action because when he finally gets there, he just won't be able to stand his current way of life anymore.

Maybe it's the same for your boyfriend? I dunno, I just think you should focus on yourself, but take it one day at a time. Try to understand you guys are still young, and it's not going to be perfect and it's going to be hard from the getgo.

[marbear31]

I completely understand where you're coming from! When I first met my SO, he was living off a stipend from the university he attended, and not doing much except eating, sleeping, relaxing, and going out. At first, it was an adventure, a novelty--a complete change, really(I've always been the goody two shoes, having fun but not going too crazy ). I loved experiencing that lifestyle with him, and I wouldn't change a moment of it; it was romantic, exhilarating. But, as our relationship progressed, I started bringing up what he wanted to do with his life more often. (The first week we were dating I asked him what his "passion" in life was so adamantly I think he might have pegged me as a little cray cray. ) See, I've always believed that everyone has a "calling," an innate passion for something that makes you forget the rest of the world exists, something that you do simply for its process, and not its end results--in other words, what makes you get out of bed in the morning. When he told me, "I don't know," I was floored. I've known I wanted to be a writer since I was 7, and have pursued that dream (albeit not aggressively at times) my entire conscious existence, so it was hard for me to imagine living aimlessly. It bothered me for quite awhile, because I didn't know if I could be with someone who didn't have goals.

In retrospection, it's true--I couldn't be with someone who didn't have goals. The reason that didn't become a dealbreaker (and honestly, I couldn't break up with my SO even if I wanted to ) is because I saw passion within him. He's one of the most curious binge-learners I've ever met; he consumes tech podcasts and newspapers like water, for example, and he's always questioning, always wondering. At the end of the day, I realized I wasn't so much looking for concrete goals as for an inner fire and the capability for dedication, excitement, and focus. That potential I saw in him made me realize that he'd find it some day; I just had to believe in him and enjoy the journey.

It's only been recently that he's been actively taking steps to accomplish his dreams. Before he did, though, he had to figure out what those dreams were. (Turns out, programming, customer service, and deadlines all form into launching his own online business...I knew all those tech podcasts weren't for nothing! ) He applies himself to it with all the passion I was attracted to from the get-go; it was just a matter of channeling it.

I think your SO might be going through the same thing. It sounds like he just hasn't discovered his calling yet, and that's okay. I think you should give him a chance, but make it very clear that you need to pursue your dreams as well. I think staying in Ohio and going for your education is an extremely smart decision, and you won't feel as stuck as you did in Florida. I think you feel that there's no way to fix it because you've both stagnated, and the time has come for both of you to grow as individuals. You just have to make the decision if you want to take that road with him or not.

In terms of his family, there's really nothing you can do about his mother except learn to deal with her, and not let her bully you for any more money. If you guys do end up together long-term, you are going to have to find some way to accept her. I think the part of the tension stems from living in the same house as them; I know my parents and I get along much better when I'm on my own!

Don't give up just yet, but more importantly, don't give up on your dreams or encouraging his. Best of luck dear!

[Riyko]

I feel like your mind is already made up and you want us to validate it and say that it's okay to break up with him. Don't make us decide for you, we're not in your relationship and we're not there. Do what you think is best.

I have to agree and it sounds like your mind is made up with what you want. All I will say is get out before you can if you really feel you need to.