I don't know what to say to my boyfriend.
Tuesday night we had a very long conversation about our relationship. He told me to not freak out, there was no reason for me to panic and he absolutely does not want us to break up (hence why he is having this talk with me) but he had serious concerns over us. For the last month he had been acting distant (something I picked up on, and instead of nagging and acting needy I gave him a lot of space even though I was absolutely panicked and miserable, which I am sure came through in my posts). He told me he felt like he had been putting on a bit of a show and forcing his emotions when we talked via IM (he wasn't interested in Skyping or calling at all, and he said he felt bad about it but the pressure of trying to act like everything was normal would have been too much). He said that he felt as though his affection toward me where at 70% versus the 100% from just a month ago and it concerned him.
Monday night his band played a gig (they are one of the official bands on the bill for Jameson Whiskey). Initially I didn't want to go because I had a fear that he would be cold toward me, or he would break up with me there, however he was extremely affectionate, loving, and all of the right stuff. During our talk he told me he felt like he had to act a little (not much, but a little) but said he was very happy to see me and seeing me again really put him at ease and put us into perspective. However he said he felt guilty because he was having to pretend a bit. He also said he had thought of calling me the night before the gig and telling me not to come, but decided he'd rather see me in person to see how he felt (and said he felt positive during our meeting), and he debated on talking to me about this in person but didn't want me to have to drive home two hours through dark country roads and highways not being able to focus at a late hour.
So we talked for a good two hours about what was bothering us in the relationship, the issues, and things like that. He confided in me that he has never lasted longer than 3-5 months and he has been fighting his urges to take flight and be alone. He has had one serious adult relationship which ended in the girl treating him terribly for about two years. He rarely dates because he knows he is so bad at it, and usually ends up running. He also said he has serious problems maintaining any kind of a relationship, be it work, friends, family or with a girl. He has been a serious loner since he was about 8, but he says it has been working with me since I am not needy or demand his attention. Though this past month he said he felt like he was forced to talk to me sometimes because he felt guilty or because he felt like he had to fill in the dead space we'd fall into (we both agreed to work on the quality of our conversation and not the quantity).
He then said that he realizes he can no longer keep up this behavior, and wants to work on it with me. He wants to work on our relationship and our individual problems together, he wants a long-term relationship and doesn't think that the bachelor life is going to be good for him much longer (he's turning 30 in March).
I told him I was concerned because the last guy to pull the whole "I don't want to break up with you but I am having issues with the relationship." broke up with me a week later after swearing up and down everything was okay. He told me that he can not promise we won't break up in the future but he doesn't want to break up currently and wants to have a long-term and meaningful relationship, which is why he is taking the time out to talk to me about this instead of just ended it like he usually does.
I am currently 900 miles away (well, he is about 200 right now while the band finishes up the album) but having been working a lot and saving to move to Boston. While he told me that our distance is one of the biggest problems in our relationship he also said that the 'idea of a girl uprooting her life just for me scares the hell out of me.' I asked him if he had a concern that when I come to live in his city I would be around him too much or want to hang out too much and he said it was a slight concern (to which I reassured him that would not be the case, as I need a lot of alone time, will not be living with him and have my own friends/roommates to be with). He also shared some very sensitive information with me regarding the band and how he had been lying to me that he's broke and relies on his twice-a-year flower delivery gig for money, and that he is more than comfortable. He told me to just keep saving my money because he 'has more than enough for bills, rent, things I want and plenty of money to spend on you'. He told me a lot of things he said he has not told other girls about himself.
After all this he says he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and he thinks everything can go back to normal. However, I am not so convinced so I start saying things like "If we are still together..." and "If we continue on..." in regards to little changes we can make to our relationship. He seemed hurt by this and asked me why I kept saying 'if we continue' because he thinks we're okay now and plans to continue on.
After all this we decide to end the call. I started to cry and he told me to hold it together, reassured me there is absolutely no reason to be upset because we are not ending, he feels better and wants to make this work. He says he is going to do some thinking (and says he knows I need to think as well) and we say goodnight. I fall asleep right after this and four hours later he texts me to say good night. I ignore the text all day, and last night around midnight he texted me again to tell me that he hopes I had a good day. I again ignore it until about 5 in the morning when I tell him I am sorry I am not talking, I just don't know what to say right now, that we can talk later, I love him and goodnight. He responds back with: "Yeah I understand if conversation is awkward for a bit.......but I'm here and I do want to move forward. Good night, and I love you too."
This morning I replied: "I want to move forward as well. I feel better today. Hope you have a good day!" He didn't acknowledge that but sent me a link to a funny video a few hours later but I ignore it all day, then finally respond saying it is funny and a link of my own. He replies that its funny. I give him a smiley face icon. He has seen it but said nothing.
I don't know what to say or how to talk to him. What should I do? I have also been struggling with the idea of breaking up with him just to save me what could possibly be heartache down the road.
Tuesday night we had a very long conversation about our relationship. He told me to not freak out, there was no reason for me to panic and he absolutely does not want us to break up (hence why he is having this talk with me) but he had serious concerns over us. For the last month he had been acting distant (something I picked up on, and instead of nagging and acting needy I gave him a lot of space even though I was absolutely panicked and miserable, which I am sure came through in my posts). He told me he felt like he had been putting on a bit of a show and forcing his emotions when we talked via IM (he wasn't interested in Skyping or calling at all, and he said he felt bad about it but the pressure of trying to act like everything was normal would have been too much). He said that he felt as though his affection toward me where at 70% versus the 100% from just a month ago and it concerned him.
Monday night his band played a gig (they are one of the official bands on the bill for Jameson Whiskey). Initially I didn't want to go because I had a fear that he would be cold toward me, or he would break up with me there, however he was extremely affectionate, loving, and all of the right stuff. During our talk he told me he felt like he had to act a little (not much, but a little) but said he was very happy to see me and seeing me again really put him at ease and put us into perspective. However he said he felt guilty because he was having to pretend a bit. He also said he had thought of calling me the night before the gig and telling me not to come, but decided he'd rather see me in person to see how he felt (and said he felt positive during our meeting), and he debated on talking to me about this in person but didn't want me to have to drive home two hours through dark country roads and highways not being able to focus at a late hour.
So we talked for a good two hours about what was bothering us in the relationship, the issues, and things like that. He confided in me that he has never lasted longer than 3-5 months and he has been fighting his urges to take flight and be alone. He has had one serious adult relationship which ended in the girl treating him terribly for about two years. He rarely dates because he knows he is so bad at it, and usually ends up running. He also said he has serious problems maintaining any kind of a relationship, be it work, friends, family or with a girl. He has been a serious loner since he was about 8, but he says it has been working with me since I am not needy or demand his attention. Though this past month he said he felt like he was forced to talk to me sometimes because he felt guilty or because he felt like he had to fill in the dead space we'd fall into (we both agreed to work on the quality of our conversation and not the quantity).
He then said that he realizes he can no longer keep up this behavior, and wants to work on it with me. He wants to work on our relationship and our individual problems together, he wants a long-term relationship and doesn't think that the bachelor life is going to be good for him much longer (he's turning 30 in March).
I told him I was concerned because the last guy to pull the whole "I don't want to break up with you but I am having issues with the relationship." broke up with me a week later after swearing up and down everything was okay. He told me that he can not promise we won't break up in the future but he doesn't want to break up currently and wants to have a long-term and meaningful relationship, which is why he is taking the time out to talk to me about this instead of just ended it like he usually does.
I am currently 900 miles away (well, he is about 200 right now while the band finishes up the album) but having been working a lot and saving to move to Boston. While he told me that our distance is one of the biggest problems in our relationship he also said that the 'idea of a girl uprooting her life just for me scares the hell out of me.' I asked him if he had a concern that when I come to live in his city I would be around him too much or want to hang out too much and he said it was a slight concern (to which I reassured him that would not be the case, as I need a lot of alone time, will not be living with him and have my own friends/roommates to be with). He also shared some very sensitive information with me regarding the band and how he had been lying to me that he's broke and relies on his twice-a-year flower delivery gig for money, and that he is more than comfortable. He told me to just keep saving my money because he 'has more than enough for bills, rent, things I want and plenty of money to spend on you'. He told me a lot of things he said he has not told other girls about himself.
After all this he says he feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders, and he thinks everything can go back to normal. However, I am not so convinced so I start saying things like "If we are still together..." and "If we continue on..." in regards to little changes we can make to our relationship. He seemed hurt by this and asked me why I kept saying 'if we continue' because he thinks we're okay now and plans to continue on.
After all this we decide to end the call. I started to cry and he told me to hold it together, reassured me there is absolutely no reason to be upset because we are not ending, he feels better and wants to make this work. He says he is going to do some thinking (and says he knows I need to think as well) and we say goodnight. I fall asleep right after this and four hours later he texts me to say good night. I ignore the text all day, and last night around midnight he texted me again to tell me that he hopes I had a good day. I again ignore it until about 5 in the morning when I tell him I am sorry I am not talking, I just don't know what to say right now, that we can talk later, I love him and goodnight. He responds back with: "Yeah I understand if conversation is awkward for a bit.......but I'm here and I do want to move forward. Good night, and I love you too."
This morning I replied: "I want to move forward as well. I feel better today. Hope you have a good day!" He didn't acknowledge that but sent me a link to a funny video a few hours later but I ignore it all day, then finally respond saying it is funny and a link of my own. He replies that its funny. I give him a smiley face icon. He has seen it but said nothing.
I don't know what to say or how to talk to him. What should I do? I have also been struggling with the idea of breaking up with him just to save me what could possibly be heartache down the road.
) I think, in order to move forward, you need to merge your mindsets. When you focus on the relationship, zone in on the "one day at a time" aspect--be present in each moment, understand it for what it is, and then apply it toward your future hopes and dreams. At the end of the day, the only actions you can control are your own--be vocal about what you want (like how you're planning on moving to Boston), but also listen to what he has to say (which it seems like you both do, very well), and, once again, merge those mindsets. For example, tell him you'd like to just focus on each day in the relationship for what it is, but in those very days, casually drop in mentions of Boston--maybe ideas of what you could do together while you're there, landmarks you're excited to explore (on your own and [hopefully] with each other), but most of all, how excited you are for this as an opportunity for personal growth (if, indeed, you feel that way). I think by emphasizing your independent capabilities and being excited about the future just might make him start to believe in himself as well. It sounds to me like he harbors his identity in his incapability to sustain relationships. He's comfortable; he's not sure he can push himself to complete intimacy. The best thing you can do is show him how much you care, how excited you are to be with him, and to respect his thoughts and feelings (and vice versa, of course!). Believe in him when he doesn't believe in himself, and let him believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.
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