He read my texts

[Tooki]

That's my boat too. I wouldn't be upset because Stephen knows my every move, and I know everything about his. We're a team, we work together not separately. If you're going to be married to someone for the rest of your life, there's no such thing as privacy anymore. He broke your trust by going through your phone, but did he find something you were trying to hide? You wouldn't be so upset if he didn't.

It's a two way road, and you guys aren't going to solve anything by keeping secrets.

I'm sorry to sound like bitch here, I just think when you're with someone, you're a book for them. How will the relationship function properly with grey areas?

That isn't true. Privacy can still exist in any situation. I for one respect my own and other people's privacy, my GF's included.

I would be upset too by principle. It's a violation of trust. Rugger hasn't indicated that she has agreed to sharing her text messages with her SO: he crossed the line when he took Rugger's phone when she was in the bathroom and went through its contents.

[TwoThree]

I just think when you're with someone, you're a book for them.

That is not at all a healthy way to approach a relationship. Or life, in general.

[kteire]

That isn't true. Privacy can still exist in any situation. I for one respect my own and other people's privacy, my GF's included.

I would be upset too by principle. It's a violation of trust. Rugger hasn't indicated that she has agreed to sharing her text messages with her SO: he crossed the line when he took Rugger's phone when she was in the bathroom and went through its contents.

Agreed. I don't have anything to hide from my SO, and he and I always tell each other where we're going and what we're up to. It's not that she's hiding something from him, but that he's not trusting her and assuming she is. I would feel the same way if my SO went through my texts or emails and was specifically looking for something incriminating - because that's a lack of trust and not fair behaviour. My SO knows some of my passwords and I get him to check my texts from time to time, but snooping is not the same as knowing everything!! It's the intent that matters.

[Tooki]

Agreed. I don't have anything to hide from my SO, and he and I always tell each other where we're going and what we're up to. It's not that she's hiding something from him, but that he's not trusting her and assuming she is. I would feel the same way if my SO went through my texts or emails and was specifically looking for something incriminating - because that's a lack of trust and not fair behaviour. My SO knows some of my passwords and I get him to check my texts from time to time, but snooping is not the same as knowing everything!! It's the intent that matters.

I agree. My GF knows most of my passwords and we share it out of trust. I rarely go on her FB/email accounts and she is the same.

I have no problems with her reading a funny conversation that I had with a friend, but I have an issue with her going on my computer and searching through my browser history.

[Dziubka]

That would be a serious deal breaker for me, too. And I'm so sorry it happened to you You seemed to have such good plans to get the relationship back on track and then this happens

It's not even that I keep secrets from him or that there are things in my texts or e-mails that I don't want him to find out. But he has to respect my privacy.
What if a friend shares something with me she doesn't want anyone else to know? If I shared something very personal with my close friends I wouldn't want their SOs to know. It's none of their business.
It's not about hiding things like cheating or whatever. But if my friend doesn't want my boyfriend to know about her abortion/debt/traumatic experience/affair with her boss/whatever, then I keep it between us and don't tell my boyfriend. There might also be things I'd rather share with a friend or with my mum, than with my boyfriend. Even if there are no such things at the very moment that he went through my phone, he has just no business going through my private things. If he wants to know something he can ask. If he doesn't believe me or doesn't trust me to tell the truth, going through my mails or texts wouldn't change that.
I don't at all agree with the statement that there's no such thing as privacy in a relationship or marriage. That doesn't seem very healthy to me. Plus you're being a shitty friend if you tell things that your friend trusted you to keep secret to your SO.

In my experience it does nothing but create trouble to read the other's mails or texts anyway. Both of my exes went through my e-mails after we broke up (seriously, I should have learnt. But whatever) and they misinterpreted shit and made up problems.

[kteire]

He broke your trust by going through your phone, but did he find something you were trying to hide? You wouldn't be so upset if he didn't.

It's a two way road, and you guys aren't going to solve anything by keeping secrets.

I'm sorry to sound like bitch here, I just think when you're with someone, you're a book for them. How will the relationship function properly with grey areas?

I completely disagree. I don't think they're keeping secrets, and she shouldn't have to tell him who she's texting all the time and why. It's not really fair to assume she's keeping secrets and hiding things. I think the big issue is that he showed his lack of trust, and violated her privacy. Yeah, lots of people like to share everything in a relationship, but if I was constantly asking my SO 'who are you texting' and getting jealous over it, that's not ok. My SO and I share most things, but I like that there are things we don't know about each other.

And to add, in my books:

Fine - my SO checking an incoming text on my phone when I'm out of the room and I've asked him to let me know what it says.

Not fine - my SO sneakily looking through my phone when I'm out of the room and unaware, specifically looking for something he'd see as bad.

[snow_girl]

That's my boat too. I wouldn't be upset because Stephen knows my every move, and I know everything about his. We're a team, we work together not separately. If you're going to be married to someone for the rest of your life, there's no such thing as privacy anymore. He broke your trust by going through your phone, but did he find something you were trying to hide? You wouldn't be so upset if he didn't.

It's a two way road, and you guys aren't going to solve anything by keeping secrets.

I'm sorry to sound like bitch here, I just think when you're with someone, you're a book for them. How will the relationship function properly with grey areas?

What if there was a text from a friend who was telling you something in confidence? What if you had to vent about your SO? What if you were planning to surprise him with something? There is nothing wrong with not telling your SO everything. Do you need to tell him about the guy that hit on you at work? No, because you know it might upset him. It isn't a secret that hurts anyone, so how is that bad?

[kayla_622]

My SO and I haven't really shared our passwords to things yet. I think mainly because we haven't had a reason to. If I needed him to sign into my email if I wasn't able to I would give him my password then. I have nothing to hide from him.

I think I'm the only one to say this so far but...in the very very beginning of our relationship I do have to say that I looked through my SO's texts just once. I didn't find anything. I was mostly looking to see if he was talking about me I guess. Definitely felt bad afterwards and I haven't done it since. I've grown and have learned that I can trust him completely and there is no reason to snoop through his stuff. Was it wrong for me to do that? Hell yes! But I did it and I can't take it back and I do feel bad for not trusting him in the beginning but, the only thing I can do about it now is to trust him and to never go through his stuff unless he's given me permission to or has asked me to.

I can see why the OP got upset over this. Its not really a matter of him possibly finding something incriminating. Its the fact that he doesn't trust her enough to not look through her personal stuff. And finding out that your SO doesn't trust you can hurt. I think you could like others suggested put a lock on your phone but then that shows him that you don't trust him either. I think that you two need to sit down and calmly discuss this with each other. He should trust you. Is there any reason for him not to? If he can't trust you then you two need to find out how you can gain that trust back. Your relationship is going to be pretty rocky otherwise and no one will be happy in the end.

[Kristin91]

I am so sorry that he did this, especially with how hard you're working to keep your relationship together. I don't really have any advice, as I've never been in this situation, but good luck!

[ThePiedPiper]

That's my boat too. I wouldn't be upset because Stephen knows my every move, and I know everything about his. We're a team, we work together not separately. If you're going to be married to someone for the rest of your life, there's no such thing as privacy anymore. He broke your trust by going through your phone, but did he find something you were trying to hide? You wouldn't be so upset if he didn't.

It's a two way road, and you guys aren't going to solve anything by keeping secrets.

I'm sorry to sound like bitch here, I just think when you're with someone, you're a book for them. How will the relationship function properly with grey areas?

My mother was actually recently reading an article about how part of being successful in a relationship or marriage is having something that is "just yours," something for you and that your partner isn't involved in.

What bothers me most about this opinion (and I'm not targeting you here) is that people automatically assume that if someone's upset that their privacy has been violated, then surely they must be hiding something. The issue is, why can't not wanting your SO to go through your phone, e-mail, etc. come down to trust as well? My ex had a habit of using the term "they/them" when going out with women, unless he was talking on the phone when he would say "she/her." He went out with a girl for Halloween with the plan of meeting up with her other friends later. I didn't need to know who the girl was, what they'd spoken about, etc. Why? Because I trusted him. He wasn't going to cheat on me so I didn't feel the need to know absolutely everything about his night out with her, including what she looked like and what they talked about. Consequently, I expect the same level of trust from any of my partners. The same is true for expectations to respect my space enough not to feel the need to dig into my privacy. *shrug* Sometimes not sharing text messages or e-mails isn't about having something to hide or not wanting your partner in on something. Sometimes it's about having enough mutual respect and trust within a relationship to not even feel the need to snoop into each others' things in the first place.

People need their own space in a relationship, some more than others. So what if my Facebook conversations to friends are mostly about my upcoming trip to one of them in April or how my day at school went? I still don't want my partner reading it. o.o I want it to be something I can share with my partner, yes, but I also want to believe I can have a conversation with my friend without having my SO breathing hotly down my neck or without feeling any sort of pressure to share it with him so that I can be sure I'm being an "open book." Ask me any question and I'll respond honestly. Talk to me if a certain conversation I may or may not have had with a friend is weighing on your mind. That, to me, is what being an open book is all about, is being able to approach situations and conversations honestly. I can do that while still maintaining my independence and my own sense of space and I'd prefer to talk to him about something versus saying, "here, read this." I have never found an issue with not letting my exes read through my personal accounts. Have we occasionally talked about something or , say, who someone was on my FB? Yes, but there has always been enough trust that they didn't need to see my messages with that person or my messages surrounding that event to know they could trust what I was telling them directly.

People need to stop assuming that not sharing things or being upset when someone snoops has something to do with that they "found something" we were trying to hide. Sometimes it comes down to the fact that we really do like our space/privacy in a relationship and we wish our SOs would be man/woman enough to ask directly instead of playing games by snooping. Trust is as important as communication. When it comes to people snooping or not snooping, communication needs to be used a little bit more, me thinks, as well as maintaining the trust that your SO is going to communicate in the first place.

ETA: I also want to add that by your definition, my past relationship had grey areas. We had our own areas and sites where we didn't invade. He never came onto to LFAD and read my posts. I never went onto his site and read his. We shared what we wanted and didn't share what we didn't want. Sometimes we ranted to friends/got their opinions before talking to one another. We didn't know every detail about each others' friends. The list goes on. All of those reasons were why our relationship worked (at least for us) and why we had so much trust and comfort. All of those reasons were why our relationship was good when it was good. What ended it was the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing he had going on, not the fact that we had our own spaces and trusted and respected each other well enough to have them.

[floridaellen]

What on earth would you need to use someone elses fb or email for?

I have my SO's passwords for most of his Internet accounts. He often asks me to check an email, look up something on his college's website that he can't find, and/or find his W2 on his job's website. I do not access his accounts unless he asks me to. I do not have his Facebook password - I don't think I would ever need that. I also do not have his bank account information - he has asked me to access his account before but I don't feel comfortable doing so.

Fine - my SO checking an incoming text on my phone when I'm out of the room and I've asked him to let me know what it says.

Not fine - my SO sneakily looking through my phone when I'm out of the room and unaware, specifically looking for something he'd see as bad.

This exactly. I completely understand feeling violated in this situation Rugger. I would feel the same way.

[kacie]

What on earth would you need to use someone elses fb or email for?

fb was a case of I wanted him to put photos on my facebook so gave him my password, email and other things is more for convenience than anything instead of forwarding or copy/pasting what we want the other to see we can just log in ourselves. Basically all convenience! We trust each other so it's not an issue

[Kanga]

If there was a clear understanding, that he wasn't to be going through your phone, then yes you have every single right to be upset, if there was never any previous discussion about it. Then make some boundaries, and let him know what he did wasn't right.

For me personally, I don't care either way if my SO is going through any of my stuff. It's what works for us, that doesn't always work for everybody which is fine.

[charly]

That's my boat too. I wouldn't be upset because Stephen knows my every move, and I know everything about his. We're a team, we work together not separately. If you're going to be married to someone for the rest of your life, there's no such thing as privacy anymore. He broke your trust by going through your phone, but did he find something you were trying to hide? You wouldn't be so upset if he didn't.

It's a two way road, and you guys aren't going to solve anything by keeping secrets.

I'm sorry to sound like bitch here, I just think when you're with someone, you're a book for them. How will the relationship function properly with grey areas?

I do not agree. My text messages are mine. And if he asks, he can read them, or I will tell him about it. But when he just reads them without my permission its a lack of trust and respect. And that I would not accept at all. So yeah, I would be furious to. I believe I know everything important from my SO, but I'm not going to demand to read his texts. That just his privacy, and I trust that he tells me when something is really important.

[Rugger]

If there was a clear understanding, that he wasn't to be going through your phone, then yes you have every single right to be upset, if there was never any previous discussion about it. Then make some boundaries, and let him know what he did wasn't right.

For me personally, I don't care either way if my SO is going through any of my stuff. It's what works for us, that doesn't always work for everybody which is fine.

I think it's implied that you don't go through someone else's things. If he were my friend, he wouldn't be going through my things without asking. my family doesn't even do that.

Thanks for so many replies guys! You've given me a lot to think about.

I thought I was making good headway and then this. It really really hurts that he would think I would cheat on him, that he thinks I'm that kind of person. I've always been so open with him about everything. I've never hid anything from him. He knows about my past, all of it. I've never omitted anything. He was the one who didn't tell me he had had two relationships with female friends we constantly hung out with. I found out through other people. But I didn't care, I trust him implicitly.

He's been blaming a lot of it on the fact he's been strung a long by girls before, which also hurts. If after 3 years, he thinks I'm anything like those girls, we have a problem. I was cheated on by my ex and I have every reason to base my relationship on that, but I didn't. I accepted the fact that he was and is not my ex.

My trust in him is shattered completely. I was trying so hard to fix things, to make it better, to make myself happy and he killed it.

My mom wants us to go for couples counseling, but I'm debating the merits. I feel like without trust, what's the point of fixing it?