He read my texts

[Malaga]

It's not healthy that I don't keep any information or secrets from the person I'm going to be living with for the rest of my life? Sorry. You're wrong.

The issue isn't sharing everything with your SO, it's the fact you and your SO need to validate the information you share by granting each other access to all areas. You're very young so you think this means there's more trust between you than between couples who respect each other's privacy, but in reality it's the other way round. If I need to 'prove' I have nothing to hide by granting him access so he could see for himself and the other way round, there's nothing trustworthy there, just a set of leashes we keep each other on.

Rugger, I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you. A breach of privacy like that would be a huge betrayal for me too. From how he reacted when you confronted him, it sounds like he still doesn't think what he did was wrong - he only regrets the consequences that could follow. You feel he betrayed you but he feels he was entitled to, despite the blubbering. I hope you get to resolve this at the counselling.

Good luck xx

[Irina_Linn]

the less you know the better you sleep.i am against reading my texts,messages or browser history,same i dont wanna check his.privacy and freedom go in Maslow pyramide as one of the human needs i believe

[MattDavies86]

Doing that without permission is a big no no, where's the trust? my SO has offered me her email and facebook password to check on her etc but I have point blank refused because I want to trust her not check on her.

Out of curiosity though, why did he blow up like that? was there something you were doing that was unacceptable? or is he just being jealous or something that's not there?

[Rugger]

Doing that without permission is a big no no, where's the trust? my SO has offered me her email and facebook password to check on her etc but I have point blank refused because I want to trust her not check on her.

Out of curiosity though, why did he blow up like that? was there something you were doing that was unacceptable? or is he just being jealous or something that's not there?

I was just texting friends at work. We have a highly stressful job ( I work for the Manhattan DA as a paralegal and we see some fucked up shit) and a lot of the time can only reach out to each other ( for legal reasons) about the cases we deal with. It's also because other people have never been put in that situation. Most people don't have to deal with murders, rapes and neg elect on the day to day. Needless to say, we are close, so yeah we text during times we aren't at work. I think a lot of it was jealousy. We had an incident around Christmas of another guy trying to kiss me at a work Christmas party. I told him the day after it happened, when I could have hid it and he would have never known. The guy apologized for his actions, there was a lot of alcohol involved. So I forgave him.

Marbear, Thank you. Everything was still very raw last night. I've never seen him cry like that, begging me not to end it. I care about him so so much. I just am not in love with him anymore and this incident compounded my fears that we aren't compatible anymore. He doesn't trust me and I can't work on things if the person who I'm busting my ass over doesn't have faith in me.

I reached out to a couples counselor last night. Hopefully they will get back to me today and we can figure something out. We both have issues that need to be addressed, and talking them out by ourselves and friends obviously isn't working. I just can't allow either of us to be unhappy. Life is too short for that. He deserves someone who is head over heels for him, not someone who wants to cry during sex because she feels like she's lying. He's a great guy and me not being in love anymore isn't his fault. People just fall out of love sometimes. He doesn't understand that.

[Moon]

I'm so sorry Rugger, but you're right, sometimes people just fall out of love. It's heartbreaking, but it's true, and usually there's just nothing that can be done about it, people just out grow each other. Try the counseling, but if it doesn't seem to be working, don't let yourself be unhappy.

[Kiyama]

I agree with Moon. I really feel for you. I fell out of love with my ex who I was in a relationship with for almost seven years! It was tough because naturally, you have a deep connection with this person after such a long time and you love them in some way but unfortunately not they way it's supposed to be but as a dear person they are I ended it and he wasn't ready to accept it and put up a hell of a fight to win me back.
It was heartbreaking to watch him suffer so much but what isn't there isn't there anymore and nothing they do can bring it back and it's not fair to either of you to go on that way.

Even if your SO doesn't see this now but it would only cause more heartbreak for him in the long term.
I think it's great that you want to give your relationship one more chance but as Moon already said, if you realize it won't help, then you need to make a decision for both your sakes. He's not going to do it. This is on you and it takes a lot of courage to take that step. My heart reaches out for you. Feel free to pm me anytime if you want to talk.

[ThePiedPiper]

I'm so sorry Rugger, but you're right, sometimes people just fall out of love. It's heartbreaking, but it's true, and usually there's just nothing that can be done about it, people just out grow each other. Try the counseling, but if it doesn't seem to be working, don't let yourself be unhappy.

This.

I went through this and I think the hardest thing about going through it was knowing it happened when I wasn't looking, it felt like, and knowing that I would be the one breaking his heart. I, too, had to put up with the sobs and the tantrums and my ex tried for a good three months to get a hold of me, promising to "change" at the same time as getting angry and saying the same old hateful things, and I felt like I had to deal with guilt either way. Either I felt guilty telling him I loved him or being affectionate because I didn't love him in the same way anymore, or I felt guilty hurting him and knowing I was destroying him. His tears, his anger, etc., all came down to hurt and it hurt me to have to hurt him because that was the last thing I wanted to do, but I had to do it, because I was miserable. I didn't like sex anymore, I didn't like talking with him much anymore, our visit was horrible for every day but the last week or two... It simply fell apart and I had to honour myself by leaving.

Feel free to give couple's therapy a go, but also be honest with yourself about what you want and you need. His crying, his upset, he'll have it, but it will also pass. He will also learn to get over it and move on, same as you would/will. I don't believe couples can fall back in love with each other, but I've never seen it happen. I know others would disagree with me and say they can, but at this point, your relationship should not be blood, sweat and tears. There's a difference between using love to fuel your endeavors to make it work and using your endeavors to help you fall back in love. Before you both pay out for couple's therapy, I would try and be honest with yourself about whether or not this is for you or him. Could you learn to accept that you two have grown apart and end it, or do you need to exhaust all possible options to try? Sometimes you reach a point of no return, and I think we do ourselves a disservice by not listening to when we've reached these points.

[Rugger]

I refuse to give up without a fight. I have to exhaust all options before I'll accept defeat. I feel like I owe it to our relationship to at least try.

I feel like in dying. I am in so much pain for putting him through this. I can't even eat and I barely slept last night.

I'm worried about him. He talked to my dad this morning but he won't answer my texts or calls.

[WakeUpSusie]

We agreed to try couples counseling, with the addendum that if it fails, he has to let me go. I cannot pretend to be happy anymore and I cannot trust him. I put a passcode on my phone and I'm never leaving it near him again. Even though he said he'd never do it again, I don't believe him. He shattered whatever hope I had.

Two things to say.... But firstly I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. It must be incredibly painful and you are in my thoughts.

1. If you are the one who doesn't feel the spark anymore and are spearheading the idea of potentially calling t quits, don't make him be the one to let YOU go. If you end up deciding that you want out for personal reasons and he does not share those sentiments, do not add to his pain by expecting him to be the one to let you go. As hard and painful as it will be, if it is your decision and emotional state/feelings (which you can't blame yourself for btw) that is leading to a decision to end it, you should be the one to do it. It is the mature and responsible thing to do.

2. If trust is a huge issue in your relationship and you don't believe that a relationship is worth having without it, the other comments about not trusting him suggest that it's already over in your head. You seem to have lost the trust as well which is hugely problematic for you. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but just remember and be mindful to try and not hold him to a double standard.

I wish you both the very very best of luck and pray for your healing, whether as a couple or apart.

[ThePiedPiper]

I refuse to give up without a fight. I have to exhaust all options before I'll accept defeat. I feel like I owe it to our relationship to at least try.

I feel like in dying. I am in so much pain for putting him through this. I can't even eat and I barely slept last night.

I'm worried about him. He talked to my dad this morning but he won't answer my texts or calls.

Just make sure this is something you're doing for you, not for him. When anyone reaches this point in a relationship, it's hard. Things are going to be said and done, and I think it's important to remember that you're both dealing with and coming to terms with the situation in your own ways. We're all here to support you.

[Tanja]

I fell out of love with my ex after 8+ years spent together. I cried when we had sex and I didn't want him to touch me. It was extremely hard.

I ended it and his response? "Ok". He never once asked me why, we didn't talk about any issues we had. He just agreed straight away and the next day he started looking for a place for himself.

I was the one wanting the break up but man it pissed me off! After almost a decade he didn't put up a fight, he didn't indicate in any way that he would've wanted to keep me. It was very painful to deal with but obviously the decision to end things was right. Maybe he didn't love me either anymore?

Anyway, just wanted to say I can relate to how you're feeling. I wish you all the best no matter what happens <3

[Rugger]

Two things to say.... But firstly I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. It must be incredibly painful and you are in my thoughts.

1. If you are the one who doesn't feel the spark anymore and are spearheading the idea of potentially calling t quits, don't make him be the one to let YOU go. If you end up deciding that you want out for personal reasons and he does not share those sentiments, do not add to his pain by expecting him to be the one to let you go. As hard and painful as it will be, if it is your decision and emotional state/feelings (which you can't blame yourself for btw) that is leading to a decision to end it, you should be the one to do it. It is the mature and responsible thing to do.

2. If trust is a huge issue in your relationship and you don't believe that a relationship is worth having without it, the other comments about not trusting him suggest that it's already over in your head. You seem to have lost the trust as well which is hugely problematic for you. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but just remember and be mindful to try and not hold him to a double standard.

I wish you both the very very best of luck and pray for your healing, whether as a couple or apart.

I'm not saying that he has to break up with me, I'm saying he need to let me end it. I tried multiple times to end it last night and he refused to accept it. He refused to let me go. I would never manipulate him into ending it if I wanted it over.

I want it to work , but with this breach we can't do it by ourselves. He's an amazing boyfriend and he's perfect for me. I don't want it to end . Why would anyone want to leave their partner ?

[marbear31]

I definitely agree with Moon--sometimes people just fall out of love, and that's okay. I'm so, so sorry for the heartache you're experiencing over this right now, and just know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers to make the right decision. I'm glad you're going ahead with the counseling, and I guess my best advice would be just to keep and open mind and open heart, and just take it day by day. No matter what happens, you WILL get through it, and all of us here at LFAD have your back, no matter what decision you make.

Stay strong beautiful!

[carolynred]

Rugger I cannot put into words how much my heart has broken after reading through this forum. You are truly a strong woman to keep trying. I had trust issues with my ex when he started to have feelings for another girl while we were still together, and I had a very similar reaction as you. I feel for you so much. For me, I barely ate, my heart wouldn't stop racing unless if I slept, and sleeping enough was hard to come by. Losing trust is so hard to build back up, but my current boyfriend's sister went through couples consoling and they have made it work so far. There is hope behind it, but I agree with you that if it doesn't show any signs of progression then he needs to let you go. Its one thing if he saw the text on accident (like on the iPhone it shows the message for a few seconds), but to go through your phone while you left it in his presence is beyond upsetting. Even more so that he got mad at you for it. I agree with the others that people sometimes fall out of love for no reason, but I'm sure you will make the right decision when the time comes for it.

Right now the most important thing is that you take good care of yourself. Try to eat and get plenty of rest if you can. Treat yourself to your favorite food, candy, movies, etc. I know its not easy to do those things when all this stress is in your mind, but I have no doubt that you will be able to overcome it. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hope that no matter what the outcome is, that you will find peace and calmness once more.

[Rugger]

He went home for a few days, which was probably a good idea for him. He needs to be able to clear his head in his comfort zone. I've been so dead all day, I just wanted to go home and curl up in my bed forever.

I made an appointment for the 25th. Everyone at work thinks I'm crazy for going the counseling when we aren't married, but I know this is something I need to see through until the end. I owe him that much. My heart still hurts and my stomach has been aching forever. I at least forced some food into my body.

He left me a present before he left. He got me a Valentines day gift even though we had agreed to not buy each other gifts. It was this tea I'd been wanting and my favorite candies. On top of it was my stuffed dog, wearing the necklace he got me for our anniversary. He wrote me a card as well, which was very hard to read in my current state. I got upset all over again. Why can't I love him anymore? he's amazing.