One sided?

[septerra]

I've been with my GF for 7 months now. WE'RE BOTH 22.
The past 4 months i noticed that I'm always the one initiating contact and physical affection. It may not seem like a big deal, but if I'm the one traveling 400 miles to see her, so she should be all over me right? In bed, we started talking about our relationship, and I asked how what she thinks about our relationship. She said, "its okayyyy." just like that. As if she doesn't want to talk about the relationship, or even tell her parents that she's with me. Of course, she tends to take a very very long time to respond to my texts/calls. The reason I titled this thread "one sided?" is because I'm still unsure what's going on with my relationship. In fact, for valentines day, she asked what I wanted, and I told her i'd like a love letter. and she replied "ahh.. but i suck at writing letters." like she won't even try to write one even though it would mean a lot to me (ive written her two letters)

Breakdown:

SHE:
Hasn't told her parents about us
Is unable to visit me, because she claims she can't miss a day of work (family owned), and her family wouldn't take her to the bus station.
Usually takes FOREVER my calls/texts
Hardly initiates physical affection
Always asks the same routine questions: how are you? what are u doing? what did u eat?


I wish that somehow I can get her to invest more. I've already talked to her about her lack of communcation in persion and on the phone, she just says "sorrrrrry sorrry sorrrry."

When we see each other, she does smile, laugh, and talk a lot. but because i'm new to relationships in general, i don't know if this is going right direction or not.. I've already asked her about the relationship, and she just kinda drifts away from the topic.

I try, i try, i ask, i think, i think, and i'm still confused on the health of my relationship. anyone see where I'm coming from?

(and yes, we have sex.. not very good though)

[stephanieaz]

People mature differently. Your girlfriend sounds like she may not be quite ready for a serious commitment (IMO). It's been 7 months - I think you should give some serious consideration to what you want out of a relationship and if your needs are being met. If not, then it may be time to move on. I wouldn't expect her to change any time soon. Good luck.

[Irina_Linn]

hey i think i remember you from previous posts.ermm...dude..i have strong feeling she is not very sure whether she even wants to be in this relationship and i am sure it doesnt mean as much for her as it does for you.i would advise you for few days to strongly reduce the amount of attention you give to her.
a) she gets surprised and asks whats wrong-at least she cares,so you can explain to her how bad it feels for you
b) she doesnt notice-carefully think if you wanna continue this relationship.it really seems for her its more like a timepass

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

"It's okayyyy" ?
I think that's a pretty big sign about how she feels. She's obviously not very sure about what she wants. I'm not sure what I think about her not telling her parents. I sort of understand, it's only been 7 months, sounds like from your post that when you visit her, she has her own place? But combined with everything else - it seems like she's holding back on you.

In terms of relationships, you can't MAKE someone want to put as much in as you do, and from the sounds of it, she doesn't want. You admit you've already told her that you have problems with her communication, and she's made no move to try and fix that. I also don't understand why she says her family won't take her to the bus station to catch a bus to come and see you. I understand not necessarily being able to get the time off work, but I doubt that she can't find ANY way at all to get to the bus station... unless she's still living at home and needs her parent's permission... but I find it difficult to believe that if she lives at home she'd be able to hide you visiting her?

Her behaviour towards you is not saying "I want to be with you as much as you want to be with me", unfortunately. I think it's time you had a serious conversation with her, because by the sounds of it (saying 'sorrrrry, sorrrrryyyyy') she doesn't seem particularly sincere about fixing the communication problem. That either means she doesn't understand how seriously you're taking it, or she's choosing to ignore it. Either way, you need to have that conversation with her in a way that means that she can't misunderstand what you mean. I'm not sure you're going to get answers that you like - so prepare yourself for the idea that she might NOT be as serious about this relationship as you are.

Obviously, it's hard to guess exactly what she's feeling, because I don't think people bother with long distance relationships unless they're relatively serious about it - it's not a particularly convenient way of having a relationship. But everything else you've said about her makes her sound as if she's really NOT taking things seriously. I can see why you're confused. :S

[kayla_622]

To me it sounds as if she's still a bit immature when it comes to relationships and like others said she might not be as serious about the relationship as you are. Her saying "its okayyyy" when you asked her about what she thought of the relationship really bothers me. You two are having an intimate moment and you are asking her a serious question and she just answers with "its okayyyy". That throws red flags out for me. Either she isn't as serious about this as you are or she really has some difficulty expressing herself. Being 7 months in should be plenty of time though to get comfortable with someone and she should find it easier to express her feelings towards you. I know personally that I have a huge problem communicating and in the beginning of relationships I find it hard to speak to my BF but, after awhile it becomes easier.

In terms of relationships, you can't MAKE someone want to put as much in as you do, and from the sounds of it, she doesn't want.

I agree with this because I've actually been in a position where I've put 110% into a relationship only to have my SO give 25% back. I tried making him put more effort in and it just didn't work. I eventually realized after we broke up that you can't MAKE someone do that. They need to do it on their own. They should want to do that.

With her not telling her parents about you...its been 7 months. She should tell them. The face that she hasn't and you two have met before makes me think that she's embarrased about meeting someone online and wants to keep your relationship a secret. Also explains why she's not willing to get time off work or have someone take her to the bus stop because then people would start asking questions about where she's going or what she'll be doing on her time off and she doesn't want that.

I agree with what Linn said, back off for a few days and see if she notices. If she comes to you asking what's up and why haven't you contacted her then I think that means she does at least care a little bit. If it takes her several days to get back to you then you should definitely reconsider this relationship. Would you rather be with someone just to be with them even though they are putting no effort into the relationship or would you rather be with someone who is willing to try?

[septerra]

Thanks so much guys. I'm seeing her on valentines day weekend, and I'm going to talk to her about the relationship yet again, and see how much
shes willing to make an effort. However, this is probably going downhill, so I guess should prepare for the worst.

[SeeRat]

hey i think i remember you from previous posts.ermm...dude..i have strong feeling she is not very sure whether she even wants to be in this relationship and i am sure it doesnt mean as much for her as it does for you.i would advise you for few days to strongly reduce the amount of attention you give to her.
a) she gets surprised and asks whats wrong-at least she cares,so you can explain to her how bad it feels for you
b) she doesnt notice-carefully think if you wanna continue this relationship.it really seems for her its more like a timepass

I would agree to this. YOu should see if she is surprised by your attention being lessened or not. And if it does effect her you seriously need to move on

[septerra]

I would agree to this. YOu should see if she is surprised by your attention being lessened or not. And if it does effect her you seriously need to move on

It's been four days already. If she does contact me, i hope she asks me makes an effort to show that she misses me. like: "omggg babe i missss u soo much. cant wait too see u this weekend." or "ive been thinking about you baby"


our last text was four days ago. i always try to make funny texts and calls to keep it alive. so i figure that a girl that cared about me would miss that




How do i know when i should consider breaking up?

[loneliestgirl]

Has your GF always been this way in your relationship and perhaps you didn't notice it or it just became irritating? Or was there a marked changed in her behavior where she was expressive, immediately attentive to calls/texts, and more physically affectionate and dominate and then she just stopped?

If it is the former, there isn't much you can do to force her to act a certain way. That just may not be her relationship style. Nothing wrong in it just as there isn't anything wrong with yours. However, it may not be compatible if you are placing those expectations on her to be more like you. You would be setting yourself for constant disappointment and feeling rejected and making her feel like it's a job to make sure she does or says the exact things you want and she is not good enough as she is. You would need to either accept her as she is and be ok with it, pick one or two things that you absolutely need and concentrate on that or simply find someone who has that characteristic naturally if all those things are deal breakers for you in a relationship.

If it's the later situation, then she just may not be into the relationship as much as you are or there is something that happened or bothering her that is preventing her from being how she used to be. She may feel attacked if you are approaching her from a directions of "I want this...", "How come you don't do this..." "I need this and you are not doing it..." "You never XYZ" and referring it all back to your feelings and how it affects you. You can still get your point across but sometimes it's how you deliver the message that will either help or hinder the situation.

Also, every time you get together with her or talk to her, it becomes about a discussion about the state of your relationship and how you feel about it can be exhausting to the other person and if that is what is happening more times than not, that may be another factor in her hesitancy or withdrawal.

[Irina_Linn]

you may not want to break up even if she doesnt care.some people dont break up even knowing their partner cheats on them.its up to you only to deicde what you want.if you think its a relationship that goes nowhere,first make sure it is so (by finding out whats on her mind)=> then break up (again if you wish so)

[septerra]

It's been five days, this is the longest time we've gone without talking to each other. I find it very depressing. I want to talk to her, but she's not calling/texting me. Why am I so infactuated with this girl? I'm going to see her this weekend for valentines.. based on what you guys are saying, i should wait for her to call/text me first right? basically the goal is to see if she still cares.. but what if shes playing the same game? this is crazy. i think i want to break up on valentines, but im scared and unsure.

[kayla_622]

She hasn't attempted to contact you in 5 days?? There really is no reason for that. It goes to show that you are putting all the work into the relationship when it comes to communicating. I would say that if she hasn't contacted you by the time you leave to go see her then you need to sit down and have a serious talk with her when you get there. If she starts that "sorrrrrry sorrrrrrrrrrrrry" stuff again I personally think you should be firm with her and tell her you're trying figure out what is wrong in your relationship and just saying sorry isn't going to cut it and you need her to be serious. I hope you two can work this out but if she's not willing to work on things with you then you need to do what is best for you.

[septerra]

yeah.. now its been 1 week.

tomorrow is valentines day. im hoping she would text/call me first. . if not by tomorrow night, then i dont know.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. "

im seeing her in 3 days, wish me luck.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm really sorry this is happening for you. I'm pretty shocked that your SO would willingly not contact you for a week. Stay strong, remember what you want in a partner, and if she can't/won't be that, don't believe that you deserve less than what you want.