An unsure future...

[COgrl789]

My bf and I have been dating over a year now. We recently had a long conversation about our relationship. Just a brief look at whats going on is, he's currently unemployed and lives at home with his mom. I asked him if he saw a future with me, and he replied that until he knows his future he can't promise me anything. He said he wants to be able to know that he can provide for me and be able to balance work and me at the same time. His parents are divorced and so he told me that he afraid our relationship ending in a divorce if we jump into it to soon. He also, said that before he brings anyone into his life he wants to be sure he could be there for them. And he doesn't want to go though what his parents went through. So I asked him if he wanted me to wait and he said "yes, that's what I am basically saying."

Which I fully understand his point. And he did also say, he knows that is probably not what I want the hear. But he doesn't want to promise anything without him figuring things out. I know as much as he's scared of divorce, he's as afraid of losing me as well.

Just wanted to know if anyone of you went through this or have any advice? As of now, I guess all i can do is wait...

[Silviar]

Enjoy your relationship as-is, and just let it flow. Really, you're also figuring things out. Spend some time bettering yourself so you have the future you want, whether it's with him, single, or with someone else. I think time will sort this out - you're happy with your relationship other than not getting a promise, but frankly, no one can promise anything about the future. There are too many variables. He's obviously waiting for you the same as you're waiting for him, so enjoy your exclusive relationship with the person you love.

Above all, keep a healthy life balance. Even when you're in a relationship, you retain an individual identity even as you have a couple's identity. Let time show you the strength of your relationship.

[Sav88]

I have sort of the same issue with my bf. He lives in the UK and I live here in Australia. He wants me to move there and I'm happy to do that, but I think he has no interest in coming here to Australia if things didn't work out for me in the UK. I was a bit upset about that and I've kept quiet on the subject as I don't like making rows as LDR's are fragile and I do love him.

My bf is employed and works a full-time Monday-Friday. But recently he told me that he doesn't have enough money to travel to see me yet. So I've decided I'd go see him first- at the start of next year. But I kinda wonder if he's telling the truth. We did have a falling out at one point where I found he was telling me things that weren't true in the end. We had some time apart and then he came back appologising for how he behaved and we became friends but then as usual not too long into friendship we became more again. I sometimes sit back and think, I do alot for our relationship and he hasn't really lifted a finger. But he is a good guy! I do love him and I'm sure he loves me. But, it seems the future plan of me moving over there and then me going to see him first in the UK..just seems one sided right now. We talk every day and he has told me (after telling me he didn't have enough money to see me) that he's bought this and that. I sorta think, why aren't you saving!?

I'm sorry if this isn't really related to what you've started this thread about...but it's been on my mind lately and when you talk about futures with your bf, it got me thinking about mine.

[5000miles]

I agree with Silviar. Go with the flow. Make sure you're both preparing for your future but still living for today. It's tough to plan too far ahead. And with his situation, he's being wise in saying he needs to be sure he can suppport a future with you. I know that it kinda sucks to hear him say he can't promise you, but I think he's just trying to be honest. Hope that helps, good luck.

[COgrl789]

Well thanks ladies! Yea, I think he has something that he needs to clear up first. Esp. for a guy i'm sure its hard not being able to do things for me. So we will just play it by ear for now.

Oh and Sav88, I'm glad you shared your story as well! I also kinda meant this post for anyone who is frustrated as well and vent away! Hope things go well for you guys as well.

[LadyMarchHare]

I say right now take things one day at a time as far as the relationship. Let him worry about finding stability on his own that could transition into stability for you both, and if he needs your help let him know you're there to do what you can even if it's simply listen.

Being the child of parents who were LDR and ended up divorced 7 years later I can understand his fear of moving too quickly for the sake of being together and then losing you just as quickly because of fights about money or whatever may arise. We all strive to be the few that don't end in divorce should we get to the marriage point, just some of us are more scared because we went down the road once. It's not an easy thing to do, waiting, when you love someone strongly but it's a pittance of time compared to the lifetime you're working towards. Everyone's future is uncertain as nothing is written in stone or sealed in blood.

[ginaxnj]

Wow.. sounds like what me and my bf just went through not that long ago.. Although his parents are together, we discussed our future and he wants me to move to California to be with him but I was the one having doubts about moving if we weren't going to take it to the next level, aka marriage. He was having doubts about marriage and if he even wants to get married. That wasn't something I wanted to hear but hopes that things will change in time. He has no interest in coming to New Jersey at all. That will all change because I am not going to move all that way to be with him if he wont even see where I live. Just wait like I am and he will come around. If he really wants to be with you then he will not let his parents divorce come between him being happy with you. My parents are divorced and I'm not gonna let the fact that there might be a chance that I could get a divorce as well from who ever I marry (which will NEVER happen) ruin my chance being happy with someone.

[COgrl789]

Have any of you heard of the saying that a guy should know by at least 6 months or in a year if he wants to marry you? I dunno what you all think about that but for some reason that thought looms in my head.

But i guess you are all correct about it, take it one day at a time...

[LadyMarchHare]

I've never heard the phrase and honestly I can't even see how that would work out. Every person is different so expecting a guy to say for sure by month 6 whether or not he'd marry you down the road seems a bit silly. But, that's my opinion.

[Čternity]

Ok, I'm going to go out on a limb here. Maybe this is a bit controversial but I'll say it anyway. Could make for a great discussion. My thought on this is that until a man has found his place/purpose in this life it is difficult for him to be the man you want him to be. By 'purpose' it could be anything, a career, a calling/vocation, sport, service to others, his children, his 'whatever' that he is proud of doing and sees himself as being on this planet to do. Just my 2c. I think he may still be working this out and until he does, I think go with the flow.

[COgrl789]

Haha...thanks for your honest answer.

Well, my bf seems like he has a lot of things he has to figure out first in his life and he does have a lot of insecurities and doesn't want to bring me down when he's not stable. So I think he is being genuine, before he takes the leap.

[BoogleBee]

Have any of you heard of the saying that a guy should know by at least 6 months or in a year if he wants to marry you? I dunno what you all think about that but for some reason that thought looms in my head.

But i guess you are all correct about it, take it one day at a time...

I don't believe that at all. Everyone takes their own time.