Breaking Point

[loneliestgirl]

My SO left on Monday to start his new job that requires extensive traveling. He is currently in Missouri (I think) for 3 months and then hopping onto another city. It will be like this for about a year.

I had a very hard time giving him my blessings but we talked about it and despite my anxiety and how very hard it would be for me, I said go if that's what he wanted on condition of certain things he told me, promised me he would do to help make it easier for me. He hasn't done not one thing as of yet. I haven't heard from him since he left. Supposedly, he left on Monday. I couldn't tell you what time or what airline or anything because I was never told by him. He also promised me to text me that he landed safely. Nope. Not done. He also told me he would tell me where he was staying-as in the hotel name or address. Nothing so far. He had all of this information in advance of his departure for a week. He could be in a posh hotel penthouse or under a bridge. I wouldn't know. He also said he would stay in contact with me-at least a text. Until about 10 minutes ago, that wasn't happening either. I texted him and was told he was out eating and would be home later. He had time to go galavanting around the town but he doesn't have time to text his girlfriend of 5 years. He is in an urban area with plenty of cell coverage. His job is by no means top secret.

I just broke down and hit a wall. I have been sitting here waiting for a call, text, email. I have been patient and assuming he has been working long hours and is exhausted and everything is hectic. But it hasn't been. He's just been negligent. I feel so lost and left behind. In this moment, I am just so upset and a bit hurt. I don't know if I am overreacting or if this is the way this LDR thing works. All I know is that I love him so damn much and would never just ignore him so completely. i would at least let him know I was alive and make sure I let him know I was thinking of him.

I don't even know what to say to him whenever I do manage to get him on the line. I want to simutaneously yell at him, cry and just pour my heart to him.

[Black_Halloween]

How do you know he's been negligent? What is the evidence that lead you to that conclusion?

[loneliestgirl]

I finally texted him tonight and he said he's been going out with his co-workers every night.

[Black_Halloween]

I finally texted him tonight and he said he's been going out with his co-workers every night.

Oh wow, i'm so sorry He should not be doing that to you! I would be pissed too. Have you told him how you're feeling and what he;s doing is not okay?

[Kiyama]

I would advice to give him some time to settle in his new life. The transition from close to long distance is really tough. I cried for three weeks non stop but both of you need time to adjust to the new situation. For him everything is new and exciting so it's a bit easier for him right now, which is perfectly normal. But it'll change and everything will calm down.

Set a Skype date for the weekend to catch up and then -calmly- explain to him that you need a bit more attention. I'm sure you guys will figure it out eventually. Give it some time

[sewbama]

I know it's really hard right now, and he's kind of screwing up by ignoring you, but try not to break down just yet. Try to set a date, like Kiyama said. And use that time to catch up and really see how things are and get all that info you are curious about. In that conversation, you should rehash your expectations and what you guys need as far as communication. Obviously, it's a bit different than you both thought it would be. So ask him what he thinks he can manage, and adjust your expectations a bit. Talk about what you need and what is possible for him. You guys just need to figure out what will work for both of you as far as communication.

For now, try to calm down and just let him adjust. Give him a couple more days and then tell him you need more of him and ask him to try to adjust his schedule and stuff so you can communicate more.

Good luck, and try to keep busy. That's the best way to keep your mind occupied.

[Oldblighty]

I would actually be quite peed off if my SO had been gone five days without hearing from him. I understand that he's started a new adventure with his job & he's excited about this new journey but how long does it actually take to send a text or call to let your loved one know your ok? When I left Chicago a few weeks ago, I was sending hubby updates of my journey, how I missed him and he was very attentive & was messaging me too, even called my mum in England because he missed me so much.
You need to tell him how his lack of contact is making you feel because it really isn't fair on you!!!

[digitalfever]

I'm just going to be honest I feel like your SO deserves some leeway. Why? Well he's started a new life (literally) he's going to be transient for the next year or so and is probably overwhelmed. He has a very high level of stress, mix that with not belonging anywhere and you have someone that is going to seek validation and community with fellow coworkers.

Do you deserve a text? Yeah of course! Should he make an effort to remain in contact? Yes! But he's probably distancing himself on purpose. I'd relax and let him have his space while he adjusts to this new period in his life.

[bethyylovee]

Personally, I would feel the same way if Stephen had to up and move to some new place and didn't talk to me because he was with his coworkers. Because to me, it's like you can see your coworkers ANY time while you're there, you don't get to see me though, so give me some attention! I agree with what everyone has said, though. Calmly explain to him how you're feeling. Make sure he knows that you're not trying to smother him, you just feel a little left behind and need to know he's thinking of you too!

[Tooki]

I agree with digitalfever here. Your SO has just moved and he is probably overwhelmed with not only leaving you behind but also adjusting to a new job in a new location. I wouldn't be surprised if he is partly using his nights out with his co-workers to cope with being apart from you.

With that said he should have kept in contact with you. Feel free to tell him off for not even letting you know that he made it to Missouri safely but just remember that he is dealing with more than being apart from you.

[Rugger]

I'm just going to be honest I feel like your SO deserves some leeway. Why? Well he's started a new life (literally) he's going to be transient for the next year or so and is probably overwhelmed. He has a very high level of stress, mix that with not belonging anywhere and you have someone that is going to seek validation and community with fellow coworkers.

Do you deserve a text? Yeah of course! Should he make an effort to remain in contact? Yes! But he's probably distancing himself on purpose. I'd relax and let him have his space while he adjusts to this new period in his life.

I was about to write the same thing! You need to take a chill pill and let him adjust. I'm sure he's not trying to ignore you. He just probably just a wrapped up in the new experience. Set a skype date and calmly talk to him about it.

[ThePiedPiper]

I'm just going to be honest I feel like your SO deserves some leeway. Why? Well he's started a new life (literally) he's going to be transient for the next year or so and is probably overwhelmed. He has a very high level of stress, mix that with not belonging anywhere and you have someone that is going to seek validation and community with fellow coworkers.

Do you deserve a text? Yeah of course! Should he make an effort to remain in contact? Yes! But he's probably distancing himself on purpose. I'd relax and let him have his space while he adjusts to this new period in his life.

I was going to say this same thing. What you think is going to happen when uprooting your life is often different than what actually ends up happening. Sometimes you can't always keep your promises and people cope with the stress and overwhelm differently. While I can understand where you're coming from, I feel as though you're gripping his leash a little bit tight and need to replace that death-grip with communication versus holding him to standards he's shown he can't currently meet. The fact that he's been out with friends/co-workers could be for a lot of reason, but as opposed to getting angry and saying you're done, I would talk to him about how you've been missing him and you two need the communication to continue making your relationship work as well as it has for 5 years (the length of time probably also plays into his comfort and feeling like he has some leniency). Make some time for Skype or a phone call and really talk about your expectations and what's realistic.

[Moon]

While I think I'd be mad that he never at least let you know he made it safe, I agree with everyone, you need to give him a few weeks to adjust. Also, I just wanted to bring up that right now, this experience for you is horrible and lonely, you're doing the same old thing as always, just without your boyfriend, so it feels even worse. He, on the other hand, is starting a new and exciting adventure in his life and, I'm sorry to say, he's probably enjoying it. When you put those together, it makes it much sadder for you, but you can't really blame him, just imagine being in his shoes.

I think you should start up something new for yourself, too. I don't know, maybe take a class you've always been interested in, try a new hobby, go to a meetup for a subject you like, anything, no matter how small, so you can have something exciting for yourself, rather than sit in being depressed. It'll also give you interesting things for you to talk about when he's finally settled in. Give yourself something to be happy about. Good luck.