Depression in a LDR

[Lovebee]

I don't post often, so I actually feel rather bad about asking for help.

Not the typical distance-induced depression about the relationship - I have full blown depression that comes and goes about as often as it rains here in the UK. Sometimes my depression is just as bleak as a short shower, sometimes it's a torrential storm. For almost a year, I felt like I had it under control, I was achieving a lot in my life, and even though I missed my SO, I was pretty happy and content with things.

We spent a long time together at Christmas, and after he left, I felt the distance more keenly than before. I missed being able to confide in him, and I really missed the physical comfort of him being nearby.

I'm now aware of a big black storm lurking, which is on the verge of breaking all over me. I'm aware of my depression signs, and I'm trying to overcome the problem before it gets worse. I'm making sure I eat well, and that I socialise, and even though it's bitterly cold, I'm trying to exercise more. I'm clearing out things from my life that remind me of bad times, in a bid to make space for more positive things to come in. I'm studying at university and I'm trying to stay motivated on my course, which is demanding and sometimes difficult.

My problem is that I can't bring myself to admit to my SO that I am as miserable as I actually feel. I had a day a few weeks ago when I cried for about six hours and we endured a very hysterical phone call, which didn't really make me feel any better. He is working really hard, doing his best to hold his precarious career together, and also deal with the LDR issues that we both face. I feel like I have no right to be sad and moody for no particular reason - and it isn't. I'm not depressed ABOUT anything. It's just there, a low-hanging cloud. There doesn't seem much point in talking about it.

All I want to do is talk about it. I just can't bring myself to start it off. The stupidest thing is that he has been through depression too, so he knows what it's like. I feel more and more alone, the more I put off telling him. I'm due to visit in four weeks' time, and I'm worried that this cloud will affect our time together.

Any ideas of how to deal with this would be really appreciated.

[Black_Halloween]

I think that you need to communicate to him about how you're feeling. He knows and understands what you're going through and he's there to love and support you.

Just wondering, have you looked for professional help for your depression?

[barret95]

As I have been through Depression, serious depression with Counseling psychology for 17 months. Depression is always gonna be with you.
I'm actually feeling the same, we spent the Christmas together and It seems like I'm the one who is having a harder time dealing with the distance and the missing physical contact and that. I cry almost every night, heck, I can't help but cry even when I'm in the toilets when I'm in college. enough about me.
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you should , you need to confront him about your feelings. don't let depression prevent you from telling him how you're feeling, like Black_Halloween said he understands you and he'll support and help you. the important thing is that He Loves you. try writing a letter or an email to him explaining your feelings, or even try putting your feelings into a drawing or a picture.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

I too suffer from full blown depression and anxiety disorders. You need to be able to talk to your SO. They are there for you, even from a far. My SO is my rock and I wouldn't be here today without him. He saved my life, literally. I attempted suicide twice and I still have bouts with suicidal thoughts sometimes, but I am a survivor and I know I can always go to my SO for help. Try to keep busy, it really does help. I know it is easier said than done, but try. I find it easier to cope then. The nights are always hard for me though. Don't be afraid to tell your SO how you are feeling and if you need them, say it. They will drop everything and help you get through somehow.

[snow]

For months now I have fought with myself to find a way to show my boyfriend that I am going through a depression and that all of this is too much and I can't help myself anymore, because I didn't want him to feel that I am ungrateful for everything he does for me, but in the end there is no other way to tell him than to actually tell him.
So what I did was:
Yesterday I showed him a video about bullying and we started to talk about the video, how it is affecting me and then I just said it. I told him how I felt for months and he just let me talk it all out. We talked for hours and in the end we made some agreements on how to lower my stress level. I was worried he'd be angry that I bottled up and didn't tell him for so long, but he understood why I didn't and we are working on it now together.

Good luck, lovebee.
You are lucky that your boyfriend went through depressions himself, so he might understand more easily.

[Lovebee]

I think that you need to communicate to him about how you're feeling. He knows and understands what you're going through and he's there to love and support you.

Just wondering, have you looked for professional help for your depression?

I had counselling for about six months last year. What I learned is that I'm an expert at dodging talking about the issues, even in a professional counselling environment, and my counsellor never really pushed me or pinned me down to talk about the less obvious things. I didn't really find it all that helpful.

There is a free service at my university which I have been thinking about using since September. I always manage to find a reason not to go and make an appointment. I think that I feel like if I don't go for counselling, I don't really have a problem (which is completely backwards, and I can see that).

[Lovebee]

try writing a letter or an email to him explaining your feelings, or even try putting your feelings into a drawing or a picture.

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same sort of thing. It is pretty terrible.

When I had that really bad day a few weeks ago, I kept starting emails and letters to him, and ultimately couldn't manage to finish one. I keep a journal for him, because he knows that I don't say what's really on my mind and has called me out on it more than once. I find it easier to write things down than talk about them, but as things are getting worse, I find myself avoiding writing in his journal too.

It's so frustrating, I can be as logical and as reasonable as I like about it all, it doesn't seem to make anything easier.

[Alsfia]

All you can do to make the stress about your SO easier is to tell him. It won't be easy and you'll probably feel like crap, but you should be proud of yourself once you've done it because it is hard to ask for help and no one really wants to. He loves you and he will understand, you just have to bring yourself to take this vital step.
I went through a couple years having suicidal thoughts and not really talking to anyone about it, one night it just burst and I told a random person about it on the internet. It wasn't really the best, nor the only option, but telling that first person helped me get a bit more objective and confront my problems. Eventually I told others as well, and I have a little network around me now that knows about this, even if I'm not particulary close to all of them (I had a period of being on the way of slipping into alcoholism... Which is why some that otherwise wouldn't know does know). Point is, I feel a lot better now, and this started expecially after I told my SO about it.
Point is, after you've told your SO you will almost guaranteed feel better, you will have a whole new kind of support. When it comes to letting this affect your visit, I'd say you should talk through it properly before you get there, if it doesn't help as much as you'd like go to that councelling, take a deep breath and decide that just as hard as you try to keep everything inside you you'll try to get it out and receive help. If you're still depressed when you go on your visit, I'm sure your SO will understand. As you said yourself, he's been through a depression himself, and even if no depression is exactly like the other he'll understand better than most. Take the time to let him help you instead of worrying of destroying the visit, let yourself feel the support.
Good luck

[barret95]

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through the same sort of thing. It is pretty terrible.

When I had that really bad day a few weeks ago, I kept starting emails and letters to him, and ultimately couldn't manage to finish one. I keep a journal for him, because he knows that I don't say what's really on my mind and has called me out on it more than once. I find it easier to write things down than talk about them, but as things are getting worse, I find myself avoiding writing in his journal too.

It's so frustrating, I can be as logical and as reasonable as I like about it all, it doesn't seem to make anything easier.

it's Okay. I have my methods of dealing with it. But the thing is , me and my LDgirlfriend have both been through depression (well she is still depressed) . Actually I was going to write a thread about my situation with her and her past ..


you could try what I did once...well it worked for me.
try writing down your honest feelings on paper, when you're done , burn the piece of paper (so you're burning the feelings) it worked for me a few times.

but the best thing is probably to see a counselor.

[Lovebee]

Thank you all for your kind words of support. I decided to take your advice and try talking to him, and just got off the phone with him. We were only able to talk for a short time while he was on lunch, and I didn't know how to even begin saying what I wanted to say. I ended up not really saying anything, and made the conversation all about him.

Going to try again when he's finished work for the day, see if I can get the words out. I never imagined how hard this would be.

[charly]

Unfortunately I am very familiar with the way you feel as well. I couldn't find the way to tell my SO how I was feeling, especially since he never felt depressed at all. Eventually I broke down on Skype and told him most, but he had to literary drag it out of me. Few weeks later I finished the story, how helpless you feel when being depressed, that stupid dark cloud.

Is there any chance he will pick up a big hint that something is wrong, and he will talk you trough it from there? I knew I couldn't manage to just say how I felt, but let him ask on and on and on actually made me tell my story.

[Lovebee]

I think if he was here or I was there and he could see my daily behaviour, he would notice that something is wrong. It's hard for him to take a hint when we're apart, because it's so easy for me to act like everything is fine. We can't video call at the moment, and we don't get to speak on the phone very often. When we do, I get so tongue-tied, I don't really say much. Whatsapp is the perfect way to pretend there's no problem.

I'd like to think he has some idea that something is up, but I feel like he doesn't know what he could do about it, or he's waiting for me to spell it out. I guess that's exactly what I'm going to have to do.