For about the past month or so my boyfriend and I have been having such a horrible time. We’ve been together about 6 months and I have to say that I love this man. At first I couldn’t tell if it was love because there wasn’t any drama, fighting and you know the drama that you see when other people sometimes say they are “soooo in love!” our relationship for the most part is stable. He’s genuine, always (or mostly) follows through with what he says, is kind, funny and makes me feel loved. He’s so stable and outright that I really get spooked. When I tried to explain this to him recently he doesn't really "get it" and says that it doesn't make sense so maybe I can explain it too you guys and you could help me:
Ever since my mom died my life hasn’t been stable and I’ve had a rough living situation that I haven’t been able to share without because every time I think about it I cry. I’ve been living with my aunt up until I moved to London and basically my family has not been the nicest too me since my mother died. They’ve basically told me things like “they loved her(my mother) longer” so their grief is therefore more important, they’ve told me I’m lazy (I’m the only one of my cousins and brothers and sisters that has gone to university, gotten an honors degree and will be starting graduate school and all this while working part time AND doing an internship,) I also fulfilled my dream of living in London, they say that I alienate myself from the family (because they are mean and negative towards me,) my one aunt sent me a letter “suggesting” I buy a gravestone but this is impossible right now because there is about 3 feet of snow on the ground in Manitoba at any given time anyways all this in the past year without my mom there to defend me, encourage me and basically be my family has made me really angry and distant and suspicious of people.
Around the anniversary of my mom’s death I started to nitpick at him. He wasn't tall enough, his eyes were too close together, he didn't love me enough etc... things that wouldn't normally bother me becamw huge hurdles to our relationship because I didn’t know how to explain that I was a mess and that I needed him to be there for me even if I couldn’t pinpoint how. I really didn’t know how to control this and it really spiraled out of control! I admit that there were ways to deal with this better but to be honest at the time I was so hell bent on it that I don’t think I would have even tried because I was avoiding the reality of my mom being gone for a year.
So what I’m asking is: 1. how do I separate my distrust hurt and grief and not take it out on him and 2. How do I explain this to him without freaking him out?
Ever since my mom died my life hasn’t been stable and I’ve had a rough living situation that I haven’t been able to share without because every time I think about it I cry. I’ve been living with my aunt up until I moved to London and basically my family has not been the nicest too me since my mother died. They’ve basically told me things like “they loved her(my mother) longer” so their grief is therefore more important, they’ve told me I’m lazy (I’m the only one of my cousins and brothers and sisters that has gone to university, gotten an honors degree and will be starting graduate school and all this while working part time AND doing an internship,) I also fulfilled my dream of living in London, they say that I alienate myself from the family (because they are mean and negative towards me,) my one aunt sent me a letter “suggesting” I buy a gravestone but this is impossible right now because there is about 3 feet of snow on the ground in Manitoba at any given time anyways all this in the past year without my mom there to defend me, encourage me and basically be my family has made me really angry and distant and suspicious of people.
Around the anniversary of my mom’s death I started to nitpick at him. He wasn't tall enough, his eyes were too close together, he didn't love me enough etc... things that wouldn't normally bother me becamw huge hurdles to our relationship because I didn’t know how to explain that I was a mess and that I needed him to be there for me even if I couldn’t pinpoint how. I really didn’t know how to control this and it really spiraled out of control! I admit that there were ways to deal with this better but to be honest at the time I was so hell bent on it that I don’t think I would have even tried because I was avoiding the reality of my mom being gone for a year.
So what I’m asking is: 1. how do I separate my distrust hurt and grief and not take it out on him and 2. How do I explain this to him without freaking him out?
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