LDR Negativity from Friends

[leah_c]

Hey Everyone,

So I've let some of my friends/coworkers know about my LDR and since I'm excited about meeting him in June, everyone has decided to give me their opinions (since the info about my trip has spread throughout the whole office). Some are happy that I found my guy, but the general feeling is that no one likes my LDR situation. I mean I get that they're concerned for me and want me to be safe. Maybe going by myself to England is really worrying them, but I am 26 yrs old and I've taken trips by myself (in the U.S.) before.

I'm just wondering how do you deal with negative remarks from people who you thought would be at least happy for you? I mean I have people harping on me that it's not real until we video Skype, even though we've talked on Skype phone service. At this point I almost can't be happy at work or with my friends because anything I say about my LDR, they get on me for it or give me fake happy smiles. It's just so hard sometimes when I have to almost defend my SO because everyone thinks he's a liar. And when I defend him, they think that it's just excuses that he's made up or something. *sigh* I'm just glad that even though my parents don't like the trip idea too much, they're happy that I found someone.

Have you dealt with these "negative nancy" attitudes regarding your LDR? What did you do?


Thanks for reading!

[dragonlady]

so sorry to hear that! that makes it even harder..
my mom wasnt that happy about it but she has an open mind (although she sad the things you have been told, but i have seen him on skype mailed her some pic's of him etc and she is warming up atleast i think) she always ask if i have spoken to him and i always reply "every night" and o always get a "O" almost like she is hoping that we will end it i do understand it from her side she don't want me to move over there...

and further i handel everything with an i dont care what you think it is my life! and if the person is really negative i simply say yeah there where woman who's man they met in real life, married and stuff and then turn to be gay, already married, not beeing told the truth or even worst right under there noses for all that i know your own man could be cheating on you! and they tend to say yeah but i know him, yeah but the other woman thought that too!!!

i am not letting you bigger on me just because you dont believe it, if that would be the case hell it is a miracle then that there are still baby's on the world if i have to believe you i should hide under a rock and never to come out because men are "evil" bother some one else with your glass is half empty thinking!

but that is me... there are many things you could say but the most fun one is just smiling at them, saying if you think so and walk away!

good luck it is hard enough as it is!

[Benni]

It's very hard to get people to understand an LDR, especially if you met online and not in person yet. Many go by the media reports of how dangerous it is.

I researched my guy thoroughly by his real name and his online usernames. I found out tons about him and it was all good and was what he said he was/did. I even found his local newspaper online and read a few reports of his good works in the community. I did all of this before we even became serious because I didn't want to be made a fool of.

Once I told my family/friends all that I'd found out, they were cool with it. As for Skype, that is what made it 'real' for us. If you can skype with video, that helps you so much to really get to know each better -- rather than through the written texts/chats.

Good luck and hang in there -- prove them wrong, girl!

[leah_c]

so sorry to hear that! that makes it even harder..
my mom wasnt that happy about it but she has an open mind (although she sad the things you have been told, but i have seen him on skype mailed her some pic's of him etc and she is warming up atleast i think) she always ask if i have spoken to him and i always reply "every night" and o always get a "O" almost like she is hoping that we will end it i do understand it from her side she don't want me to move over there...

and further i handel everything with an i dont care what you think it is my life! and if the person is really negative i simply say yeah there where woman who's man they met in real life, married and stuff and then turn to be gay, already married, not beeing told the truth or even worst right under there noses for all that i know your own man could be cheating on you! and they tend to say yeah but i know him, yeah but the other woman thought that too!!!

i am not letting you bigger on me just because you dont believe it, if that would be the case hell it is a miracle then that there are still baby's on the world if i have to believe you i should hide under a rock and never to come out because men are "evil" bother some one else with your glass is half empty thinking!

but that is me... there are many things you could say but the most fun one is just smiling at them, saying if you think so and walk away!

good luck it is hard enough as it is!

Thanks.

Yeah at first my mom thought I was crazy, but she's a little more open minded. I let her know that I talk to him almost every day (unless we can't cause he's working) and I've told her a lot about him and showed her his pics. I think, if possible, once we video Skype I might need to have her at least see him on there. I mean that's kind of the worst "meet my parents" set up in my mind, but if it eases her then it's good. As for my dad, he barely gets whats going on. I think he thinks that my SO is just a friend I'm meeting over there. But who knows, mom might have told him the truth. lol.

They both don't want anything to happen to me, but they understand that this is my dream trip and my SO is very important to me. Luckily they realize that I'm an adult and even though they don't like it, they can't really force me not to go.

As for my friends/coworkers, lately I've just kept smiling and nodding. Not really taking their advice anymore since everything is pretty much negative. You might not like it, but you're not my parents either. Wish I could tell them that. lol.

Thanks for replying to my thread, I appreciate it.

[leah_c]

It's very hard to get people to understand an LDR, especially if you met online and not in person yet. Many go by the media reports of how dangerous it is.

I researched my guy thoroughly by his real name and his online usernames. I found out tons about him and it was all good and was what he said he was/did. I even found his local newspaper online and read a few reports of his good works in the community. I did all of this before we even became serious because I didn't want to be made a fool of.

Once I told my family/friends all that I'd found out, they were cool with it. As for Skype, that is what made it 'real' for us. If you can skype with video, that helps you so much to really get to know each better -- rather than through the written texts/chats.

Good luck and hang in there -- prove them wrong, girl!

Exactly. My mom recently saw the Dr. Phil special on LDRs going wrong. Plus lots of people at work keep saying "have you ever seen Catfished, where they find out they've been lying to the other person?" I hate how the media focuses solely on the negative. They don't share videos on happy meetings between LDRs, like the ones I see on YouTube. They don't interview people who are happily married or closing the distance, relationships that have worked. It really makes the sharing of an LDR harder.

I've tried to research my SO, but he is very protective of his information. I was able to confirm he really lives at the address and telephone number that he gave me. lol. But for now I only have the confirmation of his pics and past pictures of him in another LDR relationship with a mutual online friend of ours (that sounds bad. lol) He actually came to the U.S. to meet her and they took pics together. Is that bad that this is my evidence? lol

I'm hoping that we'll be able to Video Skype soon. His computer recently died and he's fixing it. I feel like it will be even more real than hearing his voice. I also think it's probably a good idea for the parents to see him on Skype, but I'm not sure if that would freak him out. What do you think?

Thanks for replying.

[summerkid]

try not to focus on the negativity of others... but don't completely disregard their concerns. It is better to be safe than sorry. It can happen with CD too that you discover you're with a totally different person than you thought, but with LDs, because of the medium I think there are higher chances. I did the same as Benni and really researched the guy's background.

Anyways, i hope you get the camera working soon. It's great and it consolidates things. It also helps knowing eachother a bit better and it smooths the transition form online to RL cause you get to know some of their gestures, tics, expressions, etc.

[leah_c]

try not to focus on the negativity of others... but don't completely disregard their concerns. It is better to be safe than sorry. It can happen with CD too that you discover you're with a totally different person than you thought, but with LDs, because of the medium I think there are higher chances. I did the same as Benni and really researched the guy's background.

Anyways, i hope you get the camera working soon. It's great and it consolidates things. It also helps knowing eachother a bit better and it smooths the transition form online to RL cause you get to know some of their gestures, tics, expressions, etc.

Thanks. Yeah I try not to focus too much on it, but some days it's hard. I know there's risks with LDR, but also there's risks with everything, ya know. I'm taking all the extra steps to be careful just in case (i.e.- registering my trip with the US Embassy so they know where I am, giving itineraries out to everyone close to me so they know where I am, going to call home every day, taking a self defense class too. lol.) I even thought of doing a background check, but I would have to hire an investigator and I got a quote from one for $600. Eeek! I don't know, I want to be safe than sorry, but I also don't wanna seem super paranoid either. I think if he really is a fake he would have tried something to get me to England way sooner than 7 years. I think he would have tried to quickly move our friendship to something more to get me hooked. I had LDRs when I was a teenager where a guy from England and Portugal tried to get me over to their countries fast. They wanted me to steal money and get on the quickest flight there or threatened suicide if I didn't visit them. So I have a feeling, personally, that my SO is the real deal. But you never know I guess.

Thanks. I hope we video chat soon too. Sucks when you're only connection is through internet. When it goes down or the computer dies, it's hard to talk to each other. In fact, when his computer crashed and he wasn't online for over a day (he would usually tell me if he wasn't going to be online due to his schedule) I worried that he could have been in an accident or worse. Luckily I stopped myself from calling him and it turned out fine. But I'm happy at least to hear his voice through the phone call we had. He even joked that at least we knew what each other sounded like and could find each other in the airport that way (even though I have his pics. lol).

Thanks for replying.

[Black_Halloween]

Not to be negative but get that camera going and skype before you spend a lot of money on visits. Even people in LDRs take the nessesary precautions to make sure their SO is who they say they are.

[rawrimolivia]

Hey Everyone,

So I've let some of my friends/coworkers know about my LDR and since I'm excited about meeting him in June, everyone has decided to give me their opinions (since the info about my trip has spread throughout the whole office). Some are happy that I found my guy, but the general feeling is that no one likes my LDR situation. I mean I get that they're concerned for me and want me to be safe. Maybe going by myself to England is really worrying them, but I am 26 yrs old and I've taken trips by myself (in the U.S.) before.

I'm just wondering how do you deal with negative remarks from people who you thought would be at least happy for you? I mean I have people harping on me that it's not real until we video Skype, even though we've talked on Skype phone service. At this point I almost can't be happy at work or with my friends because anything I say about my LDR, they get on me for it or give me fake happy smiles. It's just so hard sometimes when I have to almost defend my SO because everyone thinks he's a liar. And when I defend him, they think that it's just excuses that he's made up or something. *sigh* I'm just glad that even though my parents don't like the trip idea too much, they're happy that I found someone.

Have you dealt with these "negative nancy" attitudes regarding your LDR? What did you do?


Thanks for reading!

I've been in Long Distance Relationship's my entire life almost and probably only 2 or 3 that weren't. I've been there and had the negative comments from others. Honestly, I wouldn't let it get to you, they don't know your relationship and they don't understand it because they either haven't experienced one or they are worried about you. On the other hand, it is appreciative to have people that care about you, but it's not okay for them to be fake. My friends have always pretty much been there for me when it came to any LDR I've had, but my mom has been the one to shrug it off. She judged my fiance' initially because she's a mom, and she doesn't know him. The only thing I do worry about is you having not seen him, so I would be a little cautious on your trip. But honestly, explain your relationship to them, tell them that it hurts you that they don't take it seriously, and if they're good enough friends, then they will understand.

[Ahava]

I wouldn't say I've come a cross negative words in such but the kind of feeling is there that people don't take it seriously or lack interest. Some how the fact that they aren't interested in my ldr relationship gives the impression that people don't consider it real. Maybe they think it is something that will pass or what ever. That does hurt a bit especially if it is a person who I am close to. Coz if people took it seriously they would be interested and ask about him/how is he doing etc. That's what I find the most ennoying.
In this relationship the good thing is I can talk to HIM about stuff that involves us, so I haven't even had the need to chat to a girlfriend.
Luckily for instance my dad isn't like that (like many other people are) and I think it helped that he has met HIM in person

[Irina_Linn]

if someone in the past was really negative about my LDR,i just told them everything i thought about their own relationships and was emphasising the worst parts.its bad i know,but sorry you dont have any right to teach me how to live my life.if something people say insult me (and the topic of relationship and my choice is insulting for me,as its only my business),i just used same weapon.as well,most of the people who were judging were usually the ones who were in deep trouble with their own relationships.so the magic sentence was "at least i have a boyfriend,how come in your 21 you are still alone but teaching everyone else?"
uhhh this thread brought old anger in me again hahaha.like when people learned i date Indian and went like "whaaaaaaat?but he is black?OMG OMG" =.=

[Thendsnotnear]

I know how it feels, I told most of my friends about us and some are happy for me and my relationship while others just pretend to do that or judge and think it's stupid. But honestly I don't expect them all to support us nor I care about their opinions. What matters the most is being ok and happy and leave out all the other people.

[leah_c]

Not to be negative but get that camera going and skype before you spend a lot of money on visits. Even people in LDRs take the nessesary precautions to make sure their SO is who they say they are.

Thanks. Yeah, I'm hoping it will be up soon.

I've been in Long Distance Relationship's my entire life almost and probably only 2 or 3 that weren't. I've been there and had the negative comments from others. Honestly, I wouldn't let it get to you, they don't know your relationship and they don't understand it because they either haven't experienced one or they are worried about you. On the other hand, it is appreciative to have people that care about you, but it's not okay for them to be fake. My friends have always pretty much been there for me when it came to any LDR I've had, but my mom has been the one to shrug it off. She judged my fiance' initially because she's a mom, and she doesn't know him. The only thing I do worry about is you having not seen him, so I would be a little cautious on your trip. But honestly, explain your relationship to them, tell them that it hurts you that they don't take it seriously, and if they're good enough friends, then they will understand.

Thanks. I think I'll talk to them and let them know that its really hurting me. I mean I support them in their relationships & they should respect mine and support me too.

I wouldn't say I've come a cross negative words in such but the kind of feeling is there that people don't take it seriously or lack interest. Some how the fact that they aren't interested in my ldr relationship gives the impression that people don't consider it real. Maybe they think it is something that will pass or what ever. That does hurt a bit especially if it is a person who I am close to. Coz if people took it seriously they would be interested and ask about him/how is he doing etc. That's what I find the most ennoying.
In this relationship the good thing is I can talk to HIM about stuff that involves us, so I haven't even had the need to chat to a girlfriend.
Luckily for instance my dad isn't like that (like many other people are) and I think it helped that he has met HIM in person

Exactly. They make me feel like my relationship isn't real to them. I mean I support you and am interested in your relationships, why can't you support me and get interested too?

[digitalfever]

I personally can see the other side of this. Even though I have been in an LDR it doesn't mean I'm not cautious, weary and a bit worried for my friends. People do lie and the Internet is a tool that allows them to do that in a much more convincing way. While I want everyone to find love I don't consider a "relationship" a relationship until people have met. However,
I don't tell people that and usually encourage them to find out as much as possible. I'm protective of the people in my life and id literally get on a plane to slap some sense into someone that lied to them.

[leah_c]

if someone in the past was really negative about my LDR,i just told them everything i thought about their own relationships and was emphasising the worst parts.its bad i know,but sorry you dont have any right to teach me how to live my life.if something people say insult me (and the topic of relationship and my choice is insulting for me,as its only my business),i just used same weapon.as well,most of the people who were judging were usually the ones who were in deep trouble with their own relationships.so the magic sentence was "at least i have a boyfriend,how come in your 21 you are still alone but teaching everyone else?"
uhhh this thread brought old anger in me again hahaha.like when people learned i date Indian and went like "whaaaaaaat?but he is black?OMG OMG" =.=

I sometimes wish I could give em a piece of my mind. Lol. But overall I know they mostly are concerned for me.

I know how it feels, I told most of my friends about us and some are happy for me and my relationship while others just pretend to do that or judge and think it's stupid. But honestly I don't expect them all to support us nor I care about their opinions. What matters the most is being ok and happy and leave out all the other people.

Same here. Good advice. Thanks.

I personally can see the other side of this. Even though I have been in an LDR it doesn't mean I'm not cautious, weary and a bit worried for my friends. People do lie and the Internet is a tool that allows them to do that in a much more convincing way. While I want everyone to find love I don't consider a "relationship" a relationship until people have met. However,
I don't tell people that and usually encourage them to find out as much as possible. I'm protective of the people in my life and id literally get on a plane to slap some sense into someone that lied to them.

Its not that I'm not worried and cautious about my LDR. I know bad things happen and I'm a person that thinks of everything bad that can happen just to prepare myself. but also there's a part of you that puts that worry aside and you focus on your relationship and being happy together. It would devestate me if he lied, but I have a feeling that my SO is an honest, caring guy looking for someone to care about him. Not sure when it will happen, but I'm not leaving until I see him on Skype video.