I Love You Fail...
...and one more (for now), though I will be clear that I still had a great time and that we are still together, but I really needed to express this and have some support.
So, a few nights into the trip, I finally told him that I am in love with him. My heart was racing and I felt so nervous. Having lost a best friend unexpectedly a few years ago, I have come to more firmly believe in saying how I feel and treasuring the time I have with people. I know that when I had previously talked about the idea of telling him how I felt on the forum, that people told me to be prepared if he didn't feel the same way yet. I thought I would be okay with him not feeling the same way, but then I was so very sure that he did feel the same way. He kissed me (we were in bed together) and then looked me in the eyes and said that he was glad I told him and that he cares about me very much, but can't say that he feels the same way yet. That felt like a knife through the side and I think I was in shock at first, because I just nodded and stayed in his arms...thought I was okay with it, but then I ended up curling into a little ball and crying my eyes out. He tried to hold me and that just made it worse--his hands felt like they were burning me and in addition to the feelings of hurt, all this negative self-talk crept into my mind. We ended up getting out of bed and were talking on the couch or pacing around. We were both really upset, as I felt like I wanted to go home and was questioning what it was that was keeping our relationship together and he was devastated that I might leave him for good. It was terrible. At one point, I was a bit childish and took all my letters that he kept very carefully by his bed and threatened to tear them up (I know, I know...but in my favour, I wasn't trying to make him feel a certain way, I was just being selfish and wondered what the point of him keeping them was). He said that he felt it was too soon for him to say it and I asked him if he was waiting for some sign from above. The most hurtful thing on both of our parts was when he repeated that he cares for me a lot, but didn't feel like he was at his full capacity yet (that was combined with my worries that he needs the intimacy of living in the same area to feel that way and being worried that he would never feel that way, since we are far apart...which means he would never feel enough to end the distance) so I stormed off for awhile after saying I hoped that he found his dream girl whom he could fulfil that capacity with, because it seemed like I would never be the one. Oh my gosh. We both decided that we would be devastated not to be together and to try to work things out, but couldn't come up for a solution for what was said and not said (we didn't think it was healthy to pretend it didn't happen). Keeping this as PG as possible, too...I should mention that I lost my virginity to him (on his first visit) and that was a really big deal, since I had promised myself that I would wait until marriage for so long.
After that, we mostly made up, but things were certainly a little tense the next day. We have mostly avoided talking about it, except the night I was leaving, I hinted that I was trying to numb my feelings or hold back sometimes, so I was feeling at the same pace as him (we are almost at 5 months now, though...is that really too soon to feel what I feel?), but that it was breaking my heart. How do I deal with this? Like, after that, sometimes when we were kissing, he was touching me tenderly, or gazing into my eyes, or what have you...I felt this pang of anguish like I shouldn't trust what he was doing completely or it was painful to realize that even just brushing my hand against his feels so amazing for me and to him it must feel something so very inferior. Being home, I have worries creep in and feel so very alone, because I don't think my "partner" (as he prefers I call him) truly partners my feelings.
Okay, not to sound pushy, but I still have this hope that he is in love with me, too, but just can't say it. Does a guy who is not in love: phone and talk for hours with his SO who lives so very far away? Remain faithful to, save with, interested in and excited by a girl whom he can only see every several months or longer, if he is lucky? Save up all his money to fly her to him and continue to treat her to so many wonderful experiences once she is there? Put up with her habits of taking way too long to get ready and always being a little late and still manage to give her a smile? Look into her eyes and see only her, and truly convey with his entire spirit, as he says it, that she is amazing? Wait hours and hours at the airport on the other side of the security glass just to make sure that she gets back on her flight home which has been delayed for so long, even though he has had little sleep, only to well up with tears in the middle of the crowded airport when he sees her wave goodbye for the last time?
Yesterday, I stumbled onto this song, when I was listening to their other songs. Florence and the Machine "Hardest of Hearts." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LD7Plg_aL0I feel like this song was made for me. I kind of want to send it to him, but I guess that wouldn't help anything.
So, a few nights into the trip, I finally told him that I am in love with him. My heart was racing and I felt so nervous. Having lost a best friend unexpectedly a few years ago, I have come to more firmly believe in saying how I feel and treasuring the time I have with people. I know that when I had previously talked about the idea of telling him how I felt on the forum, that people told me to be prepared if he didn't feel the same way yet. I thought I would be okay with him not feeling the same way, but then I was so very sure that he did feel the same way. He kissed me (we were in bed together) and then looked me in the eyes and said that he was glad I told him and that he cares about me very much, but can't say that he feels the same way yet. That felt like a knife through the side and I think I was in shock at first, because I just nodded and stayed in his arms...thought I was okay with it, but then I ended up curling into a little ball and crying my eyes out. He tried to hold me and that just made it worse--his hands felt like they were burning me and in addition to the feelings of hurt, all this negative self-talk crept into my mind. We ended up getting out of bed and were talking on the couch or pacing around. We were both really upset, as I felt like I wanted to go home and was questioning what it was that was keeping our relationship together and he was devastated that I might leave him for good. It was terrible. At one point, I was a bit childish and took all my letters that he kept very carefully by his bed and threatened to tear them up (I know, I know...but in my favour, I wasn't trying to make him feel a certain way, I was just being selfish and wondered what the point of him keeping them was). He said that he felt it was too soon for him to say it and I asked him if he was waiting for some sign from above. The most hurtful thing on both of our parts was when he repeated that he cares for me a lot, but didn't feel like he was at his full capacity yet (that was combined with my worries that he needs the intimacy of living in the same area to feel that way and being worried that he would never feel that way, since we are far apart...which means he would never feel enough to end the distance) so I stormed off for awhile after saying I hoped that he found his dream girl whom he could fulfil that capacity with, because it seemed like I would never be the one. Oh my gosh. We both decided that we would be devastated not to be together and to try to work things out, but couldn't come up for a solution for what was said and not said (we didn't think it was healthy to pretend it didn't happen). Keeping this as PG as possible, too...I should mention that I lost my virginity to him (on his first visit) and that was a really big deal, since I had promised myself that I would wait until marriage for so long.
After that, we mostly made up, but things were certainly a little tense the next day. We have mostly avoided talking about it, except the night I was leaving, I hinted that I was trying to numb my feelings or hold back sometimes, so I was feeling at the same pace as him (we are almost at 5 months now, though...is that really too soon to feel what I feel?), but that it was breaking my heart. How do I deal with this? Like, after that, sometimes when we were kissing, he was touching me tenderly, or gazing into my eyes, or what have you...I felt this pang of anguish like I shouldn't trust what he was doing completely or it was painful to realize that even just brushing my hand against his feels so amazing for me and to him it must feel something so very inferior. Being home, I have worries creep in and feel so very alone, because I don't think my "partner" (as he prefers I call him) truly partners my feelings.
Okay, not to sound pushy, but I still have this hope that he is in love with me, too, but just can't say it. Does a guy who is not in love: phone and talk for hours with his SO who lives so very far away? Remain faithful to, save with, interested in and excited by a girl whom he can only see every several months or longer, if he is lucky? Save up all his money to fly her to him and continue to treat her to so many wonderful experiences once she is there? Put up with her habits of taking way too long to get ready and always being a little late and still manage to give her a smile? Look into her eyes and see only her, and truly convey with his entire spirit, as he says it, that she is amazing? Wait hours and hours at the airport on the other side of the security glass just to make sure that she gets back on her flight home which has been delayed for so long, even though he has had little sleep, only to well up with tears in the middle of the crowded airport when he sees her wave goodbye for the last time?
Yesterday, I stumbled onto this song, when I was listening to their other songs. Florence and the Machine "Hardest of Hearts." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LD7Plg_aL0I feel like this song was made for me. I kind of want to send it to him, but I guess that wouldn't help anything.
But I do think his past experiences have kinda made him more cautious as a result of trying to protect himself. Like you, he has yet to say that he loves me ( I haven't said it either...so i guess that's not fair) and he's kinda reluctant to promise me a future. And BTW we have been dating over a year. But he did tell me once that he wanted me, cares for me, and that I'm his rock and he doesn't know what to do without me. This only happen when I confronted him. 
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