Absolutely fuming.

[louisekerry]

In six days I'm going to Australia for a year. One of my best friends isn't happy about it and hasn't been from the start. In fact she's been trying her best to talk me out of it. She says I can't be happy and it won't work with my SO because he cheated on me once and even though we've managed to get past it over the last 7 months, she will not let it go. I really don't need this. I've tried to give her the benefit of the doubt because she's my friend and I understand she's upset. But I have limits, and she's really pushing them.
She's tried everything to get me to change my mind, she's told me I can't trust him, I'm always going to doubt him, he clearly doesn't love me or care about my feelings. He has made a huge effort to prove himself to me and my family since then and we are getting better. But the little guard I still have and am still working on is stuck in my face every time we speak or see each other. I don't need her sitting there giving me reasons not to trust him. Especially a week before I make the biggest move of my entire life.
She's told me she won't be happy if I don't come back after my year out there, (I'm considering extending my visa for another year if I can find the right work they require etc) and she's got it all worked out, I go out there, come back, and I get a job here and stay here forever. She's even used my Grandmother, who means the world to me, against my decision to go. She said (actual words) "You might regret it if you go though, because if something happens to your Nan while you're there you're gonna think of all the time you've lost with her not being here." I really resent her for that.

I dunno, sorry, I just needed to rant I think. I don't know whether to distance myself from her contact-wise once I'm gone, I just don't know, she's just really bringing me down every time. She stayed over last night and she was pulling this crap on me all night. I came so close to throwing her out. Now I'm tired, cranky and have to get up for a train leaving London tomorrow morning at 9am to go and spend some time with my Dad and another of my best friends before I go on Sunday, which as much as I know I'm doing the right thing by going and I want to do this, is going to be even harder.

[Kristin91]

I'm sorry you're going through this... sometimes people just can't understand why you make the decisions you do, and you either have to move past it or stop being friends with them if you can't...

[louisekerry]

Thank you, I have tried so hard to be understanding and patient because she's my friend. But I'm worried I'm going to have to stop being friends with her because of this. I have tried to get past it, but she's making it so difficult...

[Black_Halloween]

Aw louise! Shes still doing this shit huh? Maybe its better if you pull away from her since shes bringing you down so much. Your friends are support you not hurt you further.

[loneliestgirl]

Your friend sounds scared. Does she have other close friends or has she gone through a lot and had you as her main support? When people are scared, they say and do desperate things even if it has the opposite effect than what they are seeking. It's not fair to you. However, before you pull the plug on your friendship, have you sat down with her and just asked what is really going on with her for her to be this negative and desperate? Or perhaps approaching her directly by saying to her "I know that you are scared and that's why you are being this way. I don't want to make you feel worse and I am not leaving you or our friendship but you are making it harder for me to be understanding to your feeling by you being so negative. I am going to Australia for a year. That is not going to change. Whether I extend the trip beyond that is too far in the future to decide. When I know, you will know. Now, what could I do to make you feel better or more secure about our friendship? I am here for you and I will be there for you through email, phone, skype, text if you need to vent or a shoulder. That's not going to change." And take if from there. Maybe she will be ok if you guys make a promise to call once a week or write a long email/skype?...whatever. Perhaps you have already done this. In that case, you will just have to let her be angry at you and move forward if she doesn't want to meet in a common space.

[LilyChiba]

She should be happy that you're about to experience one of the most beautiful countries for a year, whether its for your SO or not. You should tell her that, its a year to experience a new country and so many different cultures. So if she can't look past the problem with your SO, there is at least that. I don't get why people complain like this. It's not like if things don't work out, you can't just come home again. You aren't stuck out there.

[Kiyama]

All worries and fears aside,your friend is going to far in my opinion. I don't think you have any chance but to be very direct and blunt. Something to the extent of that she's made her opinion clear but that you've made your decision and that you expect her as a friend to support you. Also, make clear that you have made the choice to give your SO a second chance and that you don't want to hear her talking bad about the man you love anymore.

I'm not sure but I think she senses your doubts and worries and sort of uses them against you. So you need to be strong (at least towards her) about your feelings for your SO. Good luck.

[Jazi]

Aw louise! Shes still doing this shit huh? Maybe its better if you pull away from her since shes bringing you down so much. Your friends are support you not hurt you further.

All worries and fears aside,your friend is going to far in my opinion. I don't think you have any chance but to be very direct and blunt. Something to the extent of that she's made her opinion clear but that you've made your decision and that you expect her as a friend to support you. Also, make clear that you have made the choice to give your SO a second chance and that you don't want to hear her talking bad about the man you love anymore.

I'm not sure but I think she senses your doubts and worries and sort of uses them against you. So you need to be strong (at least towards her) about your feelings for your SO. Good luck.

I agree especially with the sections that I've bolded above.

What she is doing is definitely not the mark of a persons character that I would want to be friends with. The fact is that people move overseas/out of town/to the other side of the country or whatever it may be, this is not a new thing, its normal to move away from your family and friends and HAVE their support. The choice to move is your choice, and ONLY yours, nobody has the right to treat you so disrespectfully, even if it is coming from love/scared/not wanting you to leave. In my experience of life - the people who truly are there for you will support you no matter where you choose to live, and they will respect your decision and make sure to make the effort to stay connected to you even after you move.

from what you said she has done, if it were me I would seriously be questioning the friendship and how much of an actual 'friend' she is.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Sometimes being friends with someone doesn't mean you don't get to tell them to shut up when they cross a line.

If I were you, I'd explain it's too late for all that stuff, you've made your decision, and you're not going to change your mind. I'd then tell her that a year is going to fly by and that if she's really going to miss you so badly that she'll be unhappy if you stay another year, she can come and visit. Make it clear that you're not going to listen to all her negative input, and that it's damaging the time you guys have left together for her to be saying all that stuff.

But don't forget to tell her that she's your friend, and you love her, and you'd appreciate her support. Because even if she's being a crappy friend right now, to be caring about you enough to be trying THIS hard to make you stay, there must be something good between you.

[louisekerry]

Thank you for all your thoughts, I really appreciate it. I have known her since I was 15, so she has seen me at my lowest, so I would say we're pretty close. I don't think she realises how much she's bringing me down over this, she keeps telling me her intentions are good, when she notices me getting annoyed she goes on the defensive saying its just because she cares and doesn't want to see me hurt, I have tried to be understanding.

She doesn't have many local friends, so a lot of the time she does things either with me or her mum, so I can understand why she might be scared that I'm leaving. She graduated from uni four years ago and still hasn't found work, she's just turned 26. She's got mild cerebral palsy so I think there are some jobs she can't do, for instance ones that involve a lot of standing around. So we do support each other, and I finished uni 8 months ago and haven't found a job here yet, and I've been applying to everything and anything. I think she's feeling pissed because I'm getting out and she isn't. But we've discussed this and she asked me if I find any work out there for her she'll come over, I've told her she can come and visit me if she can, I've told her we'll skype every day if she wants to, I've promised photos, letters, postcards, everything.. I'm really struggling to find any more ways of helping. We had more of a distance between us for about four years, while we were at uni, she went to Plymouth I went to Derby, so we were other sides of the UK sort of, and I saw her every time I came home, and I'm sort of hurt that she thinks I'm leaving because I don't care. I'm not the sort of person to ditch or forget friends without good reason and I thought she knew that by now. I know she's probably feeling scared but I don't need her making me feel guilty or telling me my relationship won't work. All of my other friends have expressed they will miss me and they hope things work out but they're excited for me too, and have said even if things don't, they'll all be here. I'm not trying to make her sound like a bad friend, I've got the best friends I could ever ask for, I just wish she could take a look at what she's saying to me and realise its really not helping...

I've tried the understanding approach, explaining to her that I'm still her friend no matter where I am, and that I know she's only saying all she says because she cares, I tell her I understand it is coming from a good place. Sometimes I have tried being blunt and admittedly I have snapped a couple of times, told her to back off, told her I've made my decision and nothing is changing it, told her I'm sick of hearing about it, and I'm sick of talking about it, and I'm going. She seems to back off for a while, to be honest she had dropped it for a bit, I say she dropped it, we went swimming a few weeks ago, me, her and my mum, she brought up the subject of me leaving, then got annoyed when I answered her question, told me she was leaving, got out of the pool and left..., then she came over the other night, and got drunk and it all came out again.

Sorry...rambling now. Just so tired of this, one minute it seems like she understands, the next it feels like she's trying to make me feel guilty for leaving by making out I'm just giving her and my family the middle finger, and thats the last thing I want any of them to think I'm doing...I'm not being selfish, am I?

[Black_Halloween]

I know we talked about this the other night but i'll say it again here and now. You are not the one being selfish, she is. I understand what she's going through..she's afraid to be alone mixed with feeling jealous that you're leaving with a huge new adventure while she's stuck with the same ole life. BUT that is no excuse for her to treat you like this. She's making it all about her and her issues when it should be about you. She should be making your last days together the best, throwing you goodbye parties, ectect.

Don't let her get you down! Rather than focusing on her focus on spending time with people who are going to make your last days there cheerful.