So tired of fights

[Jezah]

Me and my SO fought again, and it may actually be over. I just am so tired of his disrespect, his taking me for granted and his overall lack of giving a crap. The story is as follows

Saturday I was gone all day, and was supposed to come home and talk to my SO. I got a txt on my drive home saying he was going out for a couple drinks with the guys to kill time until I got home, and just to let him know when I was done. So I txted him saying I was home, he kinda blew me off saying he was going to be a couple more hours (it was already 10 pm there) so I called him upset. I was hurt he decided to stay out when we had plans, and he blew me off again and hung up on me. He said in txt that he was going to this one last pub (apparently they decided to make a pub crawl out of it) and that he would be home soon. I was pissed, but let it go. 2 hours passed, no word from him, finally I got a txt saying "I still love you, wait a sec". So I did, for 10 hours. I was in a panic thinking he got hurt since he wasn't answering his phone, he was just MIA. I was exhausted but couldn't sleep from the worry. Sunday morning he finally picked up and essentially, he got drunk, got home and immediately passed out. I was so mad, that seems so immature. Yet what really hurt was how he just blew it off into "No big deal" and said I was overreacting. If this was the first time he had done something like this (getting super drunk, passing out when we had plans) maybe, but he has done this multiple times. To top it off, last night I gave him a chance to explain, I told him I was going to leave him and so I decided it was only fair to give him a chance to try and fix it. Well, he "tried" in the way that he made excuses for how he had a right to get drunk whenever he wanted to, I wasn't his mom etc. Then when I got mad, he got up and went to the loo without telling me leaving me talking to nobody for a minute until he got back. When I asked him why he did that, he said "You were ranting". I am just so done, so hurt....I mean how disrespectful can a man be?

The really bad part is, I had actually had an awesome day, that kinda day where you get home with a smile and singing...and he managed to destroy that with his actions. I had a meeting with the veteran I am going to be training the companion dog for, had a long drive and chat with my bosses and was proud of my accomplishments. I wanted nothing more than to share them with him, now I can't even remember what that felt like only 2 days ago. I don't even think he gets how seriously this hurt me, or how last straw it was...he seems to just think as usual that I am just saying I am leaving but in reality I will come crawling back to him. Its my own fault since I have in the past, and its caused him to develop this belief that he doesn't need to treat me well since no matter what I will stay, even if I get mad I will stay. He used to treat me damn good, romantic sweet things, caring gestures....now he just takes everything I do for granted. When he was here last visit I made him tea and breakfast each morning and served him in bed...did he thank me? Nope, just took the tea and plate and went back to playing games on his phone. I think I have broken this relationship by letting him get away with so much...and I have no idea if I can, or want to, fix it.

[ChibiFelicia]

I don't even know where to begin. I have followed all your threads for a good long while now and i'm surprised you're still hanging in there.

I guess i handle things differently to you. I remember you saying you get to talk to your SO every day (not sure if thats changed) and for my SO and I, we have a similar situation. If not everyday then it's every other day. For us if we had plans to talk but he or I decided to go out with friends we just say "have fun" and speak the next day. Honestly, he told you he decided to go on a pub crawl...that kinda means he won't be functioning enough to talk right? When i do get wasted i like logging on to speak to my SO because i find it amusing to mess up our raids in the game we play with our friends. But thats just me. I dont get paralytic that i have to climb in to bed as soon as i get home. He sounds like he's still at that stage i was at about 10 years ago.

The thing about him walking away when you were both on skype, i can see that it is disrespectful but i can also understand that if you are ranting and he's fed up with it. Walking away to cool off for a minute is better than saying things he'd regret. Also if he feels you're being unreasonable and trying to be his mum wouldn't he feel like you're disrespecting him?

I guess what i'm trying to say is either 1. just let it go when he decides to go out, tell him to have fun and be safe and then do your own thing. 2 since it upsets you so much maybe you should think about ending it.

[squeeker]

I'm so sorry, it makes me so sad that he would be so disrespectful like this. I think maybe that ChibiFelicia makes some good points. Though I think drinking to get drunk is really immature personally, and I know he kept you waiting for a long time and the worry built up and he's done this before and knows you get worried about him. It could be that he felt pressured to go out because of his friends. Though I do think he should treat you with more respect, and I think that maybe if you don't give in to him this time, you will see whether he really is worth it. If he really wants to, I think he could do better by at least not getting drunk so he can message/text you while he is out to let you know he's still safe at least, and also so that he would come home when he says he will. If he had let you know ahead of time that he wanted a night to just hang out with his friends and drink or even get drunk because he seems to like that, then it might've been okay because then at least you'd know that he'd be gone a long time. I think it's the saying he will be home soon and then not coming home that is really frustrating. And I also get that you have a right to be frustrated because he didn't seem to appreciate your sweet gestures when he was there and I think he does really take you for granted. I hate it because I know you really cared for him and loved him but he doesn't seem to show it back. If he does love you, he should see that what he did hurt you and work really hard now to fix things and let you know how much he loves you and appreciates you. I am really hoping for the best but I also am starting to think by his actions that things may not work out. It's not even about his actions but more about the fact he could've said that he would be out for longer.. and that you could go to sleep. Instead of you having to stay up and worry. I hope you're okay. Sending you lots of hugs right now.

[Gurl]

Hi. I've not replied to any of your other threads simply because you already know what my advice would be since so many others have already given it too you. This time I just want to give you a little food for thought. It comes in the form of well known sayings I used to think were total bull shit, but with a few extra years of learning the hard way I can now say they are very true.
1. People will only treat you as badly as you let them.
2. There are times when love will never be enough to fix whatever.
3. You have to put your self first and be sure you are in a good place and love yourself before trying to have a relationship.
4. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice (or more) shame on me.

You've given him too many second chances. Leave that fool alone. Find your happiness. Then find some one who is worth sharing it with. Best of luck, no matter what you choose to do.

[ThePiedPiper]

The only thing that anyone can really say to you anymore is decide whether this is the man you want to be with, the one you rant about, or leave. How many times have we heard that he's going to try and change? How many times have we heard that he's sorry? How many times has he cried and said he'll be a better boyfriend when you've threatened to leave, until threatening to leave meant absolutely nothing to him anymore because you wield it as your strongest, most powerful, most manipulative weapon? There comes a time when you have to simply accept that it's not working. Okay, so you love him, so what? No one's changed in this relationship for a very long time. You've put a support system in place, you're making strides in your life, and you could change, but you're not, because HBB is holding you back and forcing you into the same mould you've been in for a long time and will always be in until you leave him. You two have roles you play when around each other - he the big, strong he-man and you the fragile victim he can break with a snap of his fingers or a cluck of his tongue - that you are stuck in, because neither of you are making progress in regards to the relationship and so neither of you are making progress within the relationship. The thing is, you keep saying "I'm not sure I want to fix this anymore." "I'm not sure I can fix this." etc. It's not about YOU, Jezah. You have absolutely no control over where this relationship goes at this point and the sooner you accept that, the better, because the sooner you accept it, the sooner you're going to see game playing and resistance melt away from your relationship and reveal it for what it truly is. HBB is an immature man who is enjoying his baby years and some men his age go through that and take a long time to mature out of it, but he uses that immaturity as a shield, an excuse. He uses that immaturity and that sense of entitlement - "you're not my mom!" - to hide behind his childish actions and to refuse to look inside long enough to look at what he's doing wrong and what he needs to change to make ANY relationship work, not just his relationship with you. But he has proven time and time again, he won't change, and even if he decided he had the capacity to change, it would not be with you in this relationship, Jezah. You cannot change when trapped by someone else, and you're both trapping each other far more than either of you seem willing to admit.

But it's all been said before, so perhaps the tl;dr version of all this is that it's your call and you can sit around telling us all the reasons why you can't leave or you can actually start working towards accepting that HBB isn't going to change, you aren't going to fix this mess of a relationship, and try trekking that path for a while. :/

[jess_mp]

I don't know what your situation has been before, because I am new here...
But I know how difficult is to leave someone you really love and start again... that feeling of being alone... the good memories, everything.

I would suggest this time, let him fix things first. Show him you don't need him and you're ok because you know you're doing things right.
He should look for you the same way you look for him...
My bf has my work schedule and when I don't show up for some time, or the time it's suppose I should be home, he calls me to my mobile to see if I am ok, I love that gesture of him.

If you both still want to save your relationship, maybe some couple therapy would be ok. Like talking seriously and setting some rules...
Try to relax, think that all couples go through this... and let him be the one this time in charge of fixing things (we'll see how much he wants to keep you with him)
Cuz it seems you're the mature one always planning, but relax, I am sure (I hope) things will work fine again.

[Kiyama]

ChibiFelicia has made a few good points. All in all I think both of you are stuck in routines that are unhealthy. He is unreliable, selfish and immature and you are dependent and overly demanding. I don't know how things used to be in the beginning of your relationship but I cannot see any way out of your vicious circle. He shows no respect for you and your feelings, you freak out over little things and threaten him to leave him but never do it, which, in turn, leads to more disrespect from his side.
My only advice for you is to try and step out of this vicious circle. Stop bothering him when he is out with his friends. You say it's happened many times he never calls back then so stop expecting it. When he wants to go out, let him go and don't demand a call the same night. Live your own life and show him you are an independent woman.

[Irina_Linn]

Pied got it.i remember your previous threads and this one sounds similar now.about my point of view: its not really a big deal.i mean if your relationship is stable enough and you trust each other,then you can always speak next day or you could have left him a mail describing your day.its not like the world gonna burn if something goes not according to plan.ditto what everyone said above,time to decide once and for all

[loneliestgirl]

I feel for you. I really do.

I really don't think he will change unless he see value in changing. It's not very optimistic but my general opinion is people don't really change, they just become more of what they are unless something drastic or dramatic (positive or negative) happens to shake them.

I am not one for game playing and some might feel that what I am about to suggest is that. Don't be around for him. Don't make plans with him and when he does, if he does, only take them as seriously as he does. If something comes up you want to do, then do and postpone him. That's what he's doing to you and, in a way, that's how he is teaching you to treat him. Don't call him or text or email unless he initiates it and if you are still upset regarding his disrespect of you, then calmly tell him, at that time, that you don't appreciate it and you are not gonna stand for it and YOU cannot have a discussion about it because you have something to do for your job. Then get offline or off the phone. Don't ask him for an apology. Wait until he gives it freely, if you even want it at that point. Take the time to just really think about if you want to go through this until he decides to be a better man, which may be a long, long time. It will be hard and it will hurt but you have to do this for yourself.

If your best friend was in your shoes and her BF was being this way, what would you want for her? How would you try to counsel her or advise her? Treat yourself like you would your best friends. Want for yourself, Demand for yourself, what you would want and fight for, for her.

I wish you luck and clarity and strength to get through whatever it is you decide.

[rubydissolution]

I can't really offer much more then whats already been offered here. He seems like hes just at that point in his life where he wants to go out and party relationship be damned. And you are in a point in you life where things are finally looking up and getting better for you. So let him be what he wants, let him party, let him be as immature as he wants bc that's what he wants. I think you and this wonderful new life you have set up for yourself need a clean slate. You said it yourself up there, you had a wonderful day and he brought you down. DON'T LET HIM! Let him be the last bit of darkness you clean off yourself. Be done with him. Show him that those threats mean something and follow through. Don't text, email, call....just do nothing. Worry about yourself and your life and just exclude him from it. You don't need him anymore Jezah so cut him loose. It will feel so good to be free i promise!

[Tooki]

This is just food for thought but perhaps your man feels constrained by your constant necessity for attention? I doubt that he will change his ways if you do this but perhaps lay off him a bit. I know that things get harder for me when my GF gets naggy about what I do.

[WakeUpSusie]

Me and my SO fought again, and it may actually be over. I just am so tired of his disrespect, his taking me for granted and his overall lack of giving a crap.

How many times are you going to say this, how many threads are you going to start, before you actually do something about it? I've said it a million times before and I'll say it again: YOU. DESERVE. BETTER.

[chizatlauren]

Hi,

I haven't read your other threads (newbie here) but I think I have been in a little bit of the same situation as you once, and I changed my tactics and it worked for me and my SO. You see, my SO likes going to strip clubs before. He tells me he's going there with his friends and at first, I was really pissed off. It's like telling your girlfriend that you're going to cheat on her. At first I decided to give him the silent treatment and make him feel that I was mad at him. It didn't work, I felt like he just lost interest in me and doesn't want to talk more.

Then I decided to be nicer. My motto changed to "KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS." When he said that he's going to the strip club, I said "Have fun with the boys! Don't get too drunk and drive safely. I love you."

He was so surprised. I was so happy when after a while he said that he's not going to the strip club anymore for a long time... I'm not saying he will really not, (so far he hasn't) but treating him like a king even when he's being a douche is the best way of revenge for me. If you want your SO back, try changing your perspective and don't be too demanding. I'm not saying he's not being a dumbass, HE IS A DUMBASS. But if you really love him and you want to keep him, try it.

Now if you think you've done your best in this relationship and you feel like you don't get the love you deserve, don't get stuck in this relationship anymore. Don't hurt yourself, you deserve better.

[Malaga]

Then I decided to be nicer. My motto changed to "KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS." When he said that he's going to the strip club, I said "Have fun with the boys! Don't get too drunk and drive safely. I love you."

He was so surprised. I was so happy when after a while he said that he's not going to the strip club anymore for a long time... I'm not saying he will really not, (so far he hasn't) but treating him like a king even when he's being a douche is the best way of revenge for me. If you want your SO back, try changing your perspective and don't be too demanding. I'm not saying he's not being a dumbass, HE IS A DUMBASS. But if you really love him and you want to keep him, try it.

Did you really become OK with him going to strip clubs or were you hoping it would get him to stop? If it was the latter - I'm glad things worked out for you but the problem with manipulation is that it backfires long term. You pander to him, you lose yourself and eventually start to resent him. Especially when the manipulation doesn't work. Why would you treat anyone like a king when he's a douche? If he's being a douche, he should be told so. If you have a problem with something he does, he should know it. The point is how you let him know, you can either nag or have a civil discussion where you both present your arguments, try to understand each other and find some common ground. Partners should willingly adapt to each other, in my opinion. The key part of a committed relationship is accepting responsibility you have to each other.

While Jezah does have some unrealistic expectations of her boyfriend and she does have a temper, the problem is her SO really is a douche to her. There's just no other way to put it. He's immature, unreliable and unwilling to compromise. Some of her demands may be too much, but a lot of them are just fundamental expectations you have in a long term relationship, which he consistently fails to deliver. Things do get aggravated when she nags, but what would change if she suddenly turned into some 50s housewife, always pandering to her SO no matter what he does? He would just be given green light to continue being so self-centered. And she would still be unhappy with it. But she would trap herself into "yes dear, you know best dear".

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Jezah, it's obvious that YOU are getting to a better point in your life. Considering how low you've felt over the past year, it's really great to hear you feeling better in your own life.

And I think you're hitting the nail on the head when you say that you were happy, until stuff started happening with HBB. And I agree with Piper. His attitude is now starting to hold you back, because you're getting to a point where you're happy, and you don't have to accept his bullshit to contribute to your happiness.

I think one of the reasons you've stayed in this relationship so long was because you were trying to hold onto the little glimmer of happiness you got from it during a period where you felt at your worst. You might not be ready to let go of that, but if you go back, re read your post, and consider whether HBB is really a positive influence in your life or whether all this stuff is just bringing you down... I think you're going to end up at the same conclusion as us.

HBB is not going to change. He's an idiot. And you're letting him get away with it all, to the point now where he can do anything he wants, and he thinks he can still keep you. You said he used to be romantic and wonderful. I don't think it's a possibility to have that with him again. I think there's been too much damage done between the two of you to fix this. And you deserve to have love and romance. It's just not going to be with him.