So tired of fights

[Tooki]

You should have cut things off months ago.

It will be very hard at first but you will move on from this and be happier. You are left clinging onto the idea of what he was and what you want him to be, not what he is now.

[ThePiedPiper]

You should have cut things off months ago.

It will be very hard at first but you will move on from this and be happier. You are left clinging onto the idea of what he was and what you want him to be, not what he is now.

I agree with this, but I also have to say that I was terrified of breaking up with my ex for all the reasons you mentioned, Jezah. There were still small moments, however few and far between, that I was reminded of why I fell in love and I thought that maybe, maybe if we just worked hard enough, we could get it back. But the thing is, he never wanted to work for it. He took me for granted, realised I'd be there through the Jekyll and Mr. Hyde act, and he probably thought I'd stick around no matter how poorly he treated me (and he was in such denial that he either blamed me for all his crap or couldn't see what was wrong with ignoring me for hours or not telling me he loved me or showing affection because something else pissed him off), so I left. And his response to that showed he still hadn't changed and I wasn't going to be the person to make that happen. The funny thing is? The idea of letting go was scarier than actually letting go. The fear that was holding me back from breaking up with him all but disappeared after I did it, and while yes, it hurt, and while I definitely struggled with not responding to him when he'd obsessively e-mail/call/etc., I was much happier for it. I was actually surprised at how... relieved I felt at the ending of our relationship. It's possible that it's going to be very difficult, but it's possible that you're also already dealing with the hardest part of it. A student in my section said "the fish is the last to know it's surrounded by water" and another student built off that by saying "a horse is too dumb to know it's carrying an unnatural weight, so it just keeps on walking." HBB is like that weight, and I honestly think that shedding that weight will make you feel a lot lighter, freeer and happier more than it will make you feel difficult and lonely; even if those emotions will also likely be experienced, it's possible they be dulled by relief.

[Tooki]

I agree with this, but I also have to say that I was terrified of breaking up with my ex for all the reasons you mentioned, Jezah. There were still small moments, however few and far between, that I was reminded of why I fell in love and I thought that maybe, maybe if we just worked hard enough, we could get it back. But the thing is, he never wanted to work for it. He took me for granted, realised I'd be there through the Jekyll and Mr. Hyde act, and he probably thought I'd stick around no matter how poorly he treated me (and he was in such denial that he either blamed me for all his crap or couldn't see what was wrong with ignoring me for hours or not telling me he loved me or showing affection because something else pissed him off), so I left. And his response to that showed he still hadn't changed and I wasn't going to be the person to make that happen. The funny thing is? The idea of letting go was scarier than actually letting go. The fear that was holding me back from breaking up with him all but disappeared after I did it, and while yes, it hurt, and while I definitely struggled with not responding to him when he'd obsessively e-mail/call/etc., I was much happier for it. I was actually surprised at how... relieved I felt at the ending of our relationship. It's possible that it's going to be very difficult, but it's possible that you're also already dealing with the hardest part of it. A student in my section said "the fish is the last to know it's surrounded by water" and another student built off that by saying "a horse is too dumb to know it's carrying an unnatural weight, so it just keeps on walking." HBB is like that weight, and I honestly think that shedding that weight will make you feel a lot lighter, freeer and happier more than it will make you feel difficult and lonely; even if those emotions will also likely be experienced, it's possible they be dulled by relief.

(I was hoping that would add to this)

What eclair said. She knows this experience too well.

[marbear31]

I don't even think the hard part for me right now is letting go of who he is now, but letting go of who he was, how we were. There was a time when he made me so happy I could burst, I loved him so much I couldn't believe I could ever love anyone more. He was sweet, kind and so thoughtful. Now, now he takes me and everything for granted. He is lazy, procrastinates and frankly...not so great with his hygiene anymore either. Its like he is going through what I went through years and years ago at 19 when I moved out of my parents, having to learn to take care of yourself without someone on your case about it...problem is, he is taking longer than I did and he is so stubborn he won't accept help or advice. The spark wasn't even there really when he visited, I barely felt attracted to him and he didn't treat me very well. This is so opposite of the first visit, where he was here for 2 months and I couldn't keep my hands off him and was so blissful with love. How does love fall apart? How do you find that cut off point where you realize that you can never get that love back? He talked about engagement rings yesterday just in passing and for the first time, I really thought about it and instead of excited to someday marry him...I felt like if I did I was signing up for misery. I think I fell out of love, and all I am really holding onto is the small parts of him he occasionally shows that remind me of how he used to be when I loved him. Its not letting go of him really that I struggle with, but letting go of that happiness he used to give me and letting go of that shiny future we talked about and planned for...letting go and realizing its dead and gone

I think you just told yourself what you need to do. You got this girlie!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

The spark wasn't even there really when he visited, I barely felt attracted to him and he didn't treat me very well...

He talked about engagement rings yesterday just in passing and for the first time, I really thought about it and instead of excited to someday marry him...I felt like if I did I was signing up for misery...

Its not letting go of him really that I struggle with, but letting go of that happiness ...letting go and realizing its dead and gone

Jezah, you are doing so much better for yourself. Look at what you've said. He's clearly not a positive influence in your life - even when he's talking about something positive for your future... You don't even want that any more.

It's hard, but I don't think you're in the same place as you were when you began this relationship, and neither is he. And if you've grown so far apart and things have got this damaging within a few years, just imagine how frustrated and angry you're going to be if you prolong it.

Don't accept a second rate relationship with someone who brings you down. I think if you do the scariest, hardest things now, you're going to be much happier much sooner.

[SoConfused]

I'm new here as well, so I'm not exactly familiar with the history of your relationship, but based on this thread alone, I know that I've walked more than a mile in your shoes. I spent 18 years holding on to those little moments. My ex had such an incredible hold on me, and although those who love me pointed out how I deserved so much better, I couldn't let him go. That is, until I completely outgrew him.

You questioned how you know when to let go of the love that you've had. You do that when you recognize that you're the only one fighting for it. Do you think he's making himself miserable trying to figure out a way to make your relationship work? Well, he's not. He's not because you have conditioned him to believe that you'll stand by his side no matter what it costs you emotionally. My ex was devastated when I left, and I had done everything I could to ease the blow by warning him for months prior. He didn't believe it until I started moving my things out.

Love yourself. When you love yourself, you realize that you are worthy of being loved by someone else. By putting up with negative behaviors from someone else, all you're really doing is abusing yourself. You deserve so much better. Don't waste any more of your precious life hoping that he will change. You can never get that time back.

[Jezah]

Well, we decided to break up. Well, more I decided and he realized how much him being how he has been being was hurting me. I am crushed, I don't feel free or liberated...I feel lonely. As much as I say I don't...I think I do really love him. The issue is, I don't trust him because while he may be pretty great 90% of the time....that other 10% he transforms into someone I don't know. He admits it is because he feels pressure from his friends to not be "whipped" or look stupid because of his devotion to me, and he knows that is stupid. Yet, knowing it and changing it are two different things and he hasn't figured out how to change it. I just can't deal with the whiplash of having him be my sweet, loyal boyfriend most of the time, and then this cold, cut off asshat the rest. He is either in love with me and devoted or he isn't, none of this "I said no to going out for drinks the last time, now I have to say yes" and then going out and treating me like trash in front of his buddies to regain man points. I am not a teenager, I am an adult and have moved beyond these games in my life. Our problems all seem to focus around one thing, he cannot, or will not stand up for himself with anyone. He turns into whoever the person he is with wants him to be...and I wonder sometimes if how he is with me alone is even the real him?

Who knows? I just...I need space and time to figure out MY life. Most of my life I have gone from relationship to relationship without much time alone in between, and I don't think it is healthy. I am now so afraid of being alone that I hold on too tightly to relationships I know are bad. I hold out hope that when he realizes he really f*cked up this time, that he really has lost me...that he will make changes in his own life to become a stronger man. Maybe in a few months we will try again, but I am not holding out hope. He broke my heart, and it needs time to heal and grow stronger

[Tooki]

Good on you. I wish you luck in figuring your life out and I hope that it takes you somewhere better than where you are right now.

Don't hold hope onto rekindling your love in the future, hold hope that you will become more independent and you will be better prepared in the future to let go when it's the right time.

[ThePiedPiper]

It takes time to get that liberated feeling. There's a lot of confusion and loneliness and hurt at first. Though the first day was the worst for me, there are threads here testifying to how difficult it was for me the more he persisted in trying to contact me. I struggled, and the liberation came only after I had made it through that initial struggle. I have no doubt that you will eventually reach that decision (I imagine it comes in time for everyone) and while there's love there, you will also come to terms with that it simply was not working. I think you did what was best for you, and we're all here to keep you going strong through this experience.

[Dezface]

What Tooki said. Don't make the breakup be about getting him back. You'll never stand any chance of moving on and all those things you're wanting for yourself won't happen.

Best of luck.

[Captivated]

You're stronger than you know, Jezah. Good luck with getting your life back on track. Relish in the good things to come.

[redapple]

Good for you jezah! Time to move on, the hard part is right now but stick it out! I stand by my advice of setting yourself a target of not speaking or contacting him for a set amount of time (it needs to be months). Even better if you delete all ways of you contacting him, give someone you trust his number if that's too scary to start with, but do something to stop yourself contacting him when drunk/lonely/having a bad time. Its tough learning new coping mechanisms but you can do it, ypu just need to push yourself a bit.

It hurts now but keeping contact will only drag that out. I think youre going to be much happier, even if you can't quite see that yet! Dot put yourself back into the cycle you've just got out of. Throw yourself into work, play a new game online, Enjoy your own company for a bit.