My fiance and I are having some problems because he is not comfortable with one if my opposite sex friends and I need some advice. I'll start with some background information.
I've always been the kind of girl who has trouble making/keeping friendships with girls. It's not that I don't want to be friends with girls I just find it so hard to start friendships, or keep them going because I find girls to be selfish and it's emotionally draining. I've been friends with my best girlfriend Jess for about 6 months. I met her at work and out of about 20 employees she is the only other woman I work with directly. We both work as customer service reps in a glass shop. I have always kept a professional relationship with all of the guys and have never been romantically involved with any of them. That being said, we do have a lot of fun and some of us have gone out before. My fiance and I have been together for about a year and 5 months, and I have worked at the same place for a year and 6 months. the fact that I mostly work with men has bothered my fiance a bit for a while.
When I first started working there I went on a trip with a girlfriend (who I am no longer friends with) to Vegas and met my fiance. After that, we eventually decided to try a LDR and we didn't see each other for approximately 7 months because he is in the military and was deployed overseas. Sometime near the beginning of my relationship with my fiance I had a friend who I'd known for a few years who was being disrespectful to me and my relationship by persistently sending me sexual text messages. I ended the friendship with him immediately. While I was hurt, I was fine with it because I think one of the rudest things someone can do is try to get in between someone's relationship.
During this time I became pretty close friends with Trevor (one of the guys at work) and went for coffee with him once but other than that we just talked at work or by text and once in a while over the phone. There was never anything going on between us, other than friendship - or so I thought. Eventually, after my fiance was back my friend from work wrote me a letter which pretty much said that I meant a lot to him and that he was in love with me.
Before Trevor gave me this letter my fiance had a friend (Joy) who more than once made comments either on his facebook wall, or just in messages to him that he should come visit her in another state, or that our relationship wasn't good and it wouldn't last and she couldn't understand why he was dating someone in Canada. He had previously dated her over one summer a long time ago and they had fooled around. So to me these comments were her being blatantly disrespectful and trying to break us up. She eventually sent me a long message on facebook and I had had enough. That was the third and final straw for me and until she did that he didn't realize that she was trying to get in between us despite what I had told him. Because she was causing so many problems for me and my fiance I had to tell him that he either establishes some boundaries with her and she stops, or I was done. He has since done so but she still will message him or text him and say similar things. At one point she told him that I was controlling and could expect a lot more of that.
Back to Trevor. I was very hurt when he wrote me that letter because he was a good friend of mine and he knew that I had intentions of spending the rest of my life with my fiance (we weren't' engaged yet). I knew that I would not be able to be friends with him anymore because he didn't respect the boundaries of my relationship with my fiance and I was fine with that, and ended the friendship. There was a time before this occurred where my fiance said that Trevor probably liked me and I dismissed it because we were just friends. So naturally when I told my fiance about this letter he flipped out. Instead of realizing that I was hurt by my friend and that I was mad that he did that - despite me saying so, my fiance took it out on me. He made me feel horrible like I should have seen this coming and I could have prevented it and he completely pushed me away for a while. We worked it out a little bit but it was still pretty rocky.
Eventually another guy at work (Kyle) bought me a case of cherry coke that he found somewhere in the city because he knew I like it and it's really tough to find in Canada. I still have no idea where he got it. So I told my fiance that and again he flipped out. I felt horrible when I again, had done nothing wrong. I told my fiance that he needed to stop and he needed to talk to someone about it, so he talked to his dad. I guess his dad basically said "what are you doing?" and told him he needed to stop behaving that way. We worked it out and then things were good for a while.
There was one time where I hung out at my brothers house with him and his girlfriend and a mutual friend (Daryl) who I had known for over a decade and I considered like a brother. Everything was fine that night but Daryl later texted me and said I was beautiful and that since his girlfriend had cheated on him he had a free pass. Effed up right? I dismissed him because I was not having it. I haven't seen him since and because this bothered my fiance I have avoided going to my brothers at times since then because Daryl hangs out there sometimes. I don't feel that that is completely fair because aside from that text message he has never tried anything, in over a decade.
I have another friend (Damon) who I hang out with once in a while who I consider one of my best friends and I've also known him for over a decade. My fiance has met him and they get along really well and he's comfortable with my friendship. We didn't hang out too often before and now we hang out even less because he has a girlfriend
Moving on. I have slowly become friends with a completely different guy at work (Simon) and we talk at work and over text message. We've hung out outside of work with other people around but never alone. My fiance has even met him once and was fine with him. Since the time they met I once said that Simon can apparently "read me like a book". I can't remember what we were talking about but I didn't mean anything by it. I've been struggling with depression for a long time and since last winter its been worse because I don't have many friends and I've been isolated because I'm in a relationship, but it's even worse because it's long distance so I don't have much to do other than work. Simon can relate because he has also struggled with depression. My fiance never has. There are however, no romantic feelings between Simon and I and we mostly just bullshit or joke around and rarely talk about personal things. Never about my relationship with my fiance or any of our problems.
A while ago my fiance and I were having arguments a lot and I felt like he wasn't listening to me which I have felt for a while and we've fought about it a few times before. In the heat of the moment during one of our arguments I said that I felt that the only person who listened to me was Simon. He flipped and we had one of the biggest fights we have ever had. I understand that I shouldn't have said that. It was wrong and I wish i could take it back cause it was mean and it would make anyone feel insecure. He told me that when he had met Simon the night when a few of us went out I gave Simon a "weird hug". I can't recall a "weird hug" but I can recall giving him a hug. I hug people who I care about sometimes. It's more likely when I've been drinking; we all had been drinking that night. I know I gave everyone we were hanging out with a hug. My fiance, Jess, her boyfriend (who I work with), my brother, his girlfriend, Damon and Simon. I would have hugged Simon in the same way that I hugged anyone else. I know this because he is my friend and I care about him but again, there are no romantic feelings!
After the huge fight with my fiance things cooled down a bit. We established some boundaries in what we should do when we aren't together or how we should hang out with friends of the opposite sex. Because Simon had done nothing wrong he said I can still talk to him and we can still hang out if other people are around. My fiance wants me to be able to tell him things that go on and talk to him about what I'm doing and things in general and feel comfortable doing it. He agreed to work on the way he reacts when I try to talk to him about things.
One night after work I dropped Simon off at his driving lesson and went home. I didn't know if I should tell my fiance if I did that, or if i should have told him before I did it or after I did it. I wondered if I should have asked him if it was okay. I was talking to my fiance later in the night before bed and I wondered if I should tell him then or wait. I felt that if I waited he would ask me why I didn't tell him sooner. I was afraid he was going to be upset. I told him on the phone before bed and it started an argument. I should have know that before bed was not the right time... We had been having arguments frequently before bed because he would bring issues up right before I had to go to sleep. Because of the time difference I was suffering more because of it and I was always the one to say stop, and I would have to end it because he just continues despite my protests that its the wrong time. We agreed to stop doing that and it got better so I can see why he would be mad that I brought it up before bed. We got over that eventually and its been a couple weeks. He agreed again to everything we agreed upon before about the friendship boundaries between Simon and I. Driving Simon to his driving class was apparently okay.
I've always been the kind of girl who has trouble making/keeping friendships with girls. It's not that I don't want to be friends with girls I just find it so hard to start friendships, or keep them going because I find girls to be selfish and it's emotionally draining. I've been friends with my best girlfriend Jess for about 6 months. I met her at work and out of about 20 employees she is the only other woman I work with directly. We both work as customer service reps in a glass shop. I have always kept a professional relationship with all of the guys and have never been romantically involved with any of them. That being said, we do have a lot of fun and some of us have gone out before. My fiance and I have been together for about a year and 5 months, and I have worked at the same place for a year and 6 months. the fact that I mostly work with men has bothered my fiance a bit for a while.
When I first started working there I went on a trip with a girlfriend (who I am no longer friends with) to Vegas and met my fiance. After that, we eventually decided to try a LDR and we didn't see each other for approximately 7 months because he is in the military and was deployed overseas. Sometime near the beginning of my relationship with my fiance I had a friend who I'd known for a few years who was being disrespectful to me and my relationship by persistently sending me sexual text messages. I ended the friendship with him immediately. While I was hurt, I was fine with it because I think one of the rudest things someone can do is try to get in between someone's relationship.
During this time I became pretty close friends with Trevor (one of the guys at work) and went for coffee with him once but other than that we just talked at work or by text and once in a while over the phone. There was never anything going on between us, other than friendship - or so I thought. Eventually, after my fiance was back my friend from work wrote me a letter which pretty much said that I meant a lot to him and that he was in love with me.
Before Trevor gave me this letter my fiance had a friend (Joy) who more than once made comments either on his facebook wall, or just in messages to him that he should come visit her in another state, or that our relationship wasn't good and it wouldn't last and she couldn't understand why he was dating someone in Canada. He had previously dated her over one summer a long time ago and they had fooled around. So to me these comments were her being blatantly disrespectful and trying to break us up. She eventually sent me a long message on facebook and I had had enough. That was the third and final straw for me and until she did that he didn't realize that she was trying to get in between us despite what I had told him. Because she was causing so many problems for me and my fiance I had to tell him that he either establishes some boundaries with her and she stops, or I was done. He has since done so but she still will message him or text him and say similar things. At one point she told him that I was controlling and could expect a lot more of that.
Back to Trevor. I was very hurt when he wrote me that letter because he was a good friend of mine and he knew that I had intentions of spending the rest of my life with my fiance (we weren't' engaged yet). I knew that I would not be able to be friends with him anymore because he didn't respect the boundaries of my relationship with my fiance and I was fine with that, and ended the friendship. There was a time before this occurred where my fiance said that Trevor probably liked me and I dismissed it because we were just friends. So naturally when I told my fiance about this letter he flipped out. Instead of realizing that I was hurt by my friend and that I was mad that he did that - despite me saying so, my fiance took it out on me. He made me feel horrible like I should have seen this coming and I could have prevented it and he completely pushed me away for a while. We worked it out a little bit but it was still pretty rocky.
Eventually another guy at work (Kyle) bought me a case of cherry coke that he found somewhere in the city because he knew I like it and it's really tough to find in Canada. I still have no idea where he got it. So I told my fiance that and again he flipped out. I felt horrible when I again, had done nothing wrong. I told my fiance that he needed to stop and he needed to talk to someone about it, so he talked to his dad. I guess his dad basically said "what are you doing?" and told him he needed to stop behaving that way. We worked it out and then things were good for a while.
There was one time where I hung out at my brothers house with him and his girlfriend and a mutual friend (Daryl) who I had known for over a decade and I considered like a brother. Everything was fine that night but Daryl later texted me and said I was beautiful and that since his girlfriend had cheated on him he had a free pass. Effed up right? I dismissed him because I was not having it. I haven't seen him since and because this bothered my fiance I have avoided going to my brothers at times since then because Daryl hangs out there sometimes. I don't feel that that is completely fair because aside from that text message he has never tried anything, in over a decade.
I have another friend (Damon) who I hang out with once in a while who I consider one of my best friends and I've also known him for over a decade. My fiance has met him and they get along really well and he's comfortable with my friendship. We didn't hang out too often before and now we hang out even less because he has a girlfriend
Moving on. I have slowly become friends with a completely different guy at work (Simon) and we talk at work and over text message. We've hung out outside of work with other people around but never alone. My fiance has even met him once and was fine with him. Since the time they met I once said that Simon can apparently "read me like a book". I can't remember what we were talking about but I didn't mean anything by it. I've been struggling with depression for a long time and since last winter its been worse because I don't have many friends and I've been isolated because I'm in a relationship, but it's even worse because it's long distance so I don't have much to do other than work. Simon can relate because he has also struggled with depression. My fiance never has. There are however, no romantic feelings between Simon and I and we mostly just bullshit or joke around and rarely talk about personal things. Never about my relationship with my fiance or any of our problems.
A while ago my fiance and I were having arguments a lot and I felt like he wasn't listening to me which I have felt for a while and we've fought about it a few times before. In the heat of the moment during one of our arguments I said that I felt that the only person who listened to me was Simon. He flipped and we had one of the biggest fights we have ever had. I understand that I shouldn't have said that. It was wrong and I wish i could take it back cause it was mean and it would make anyone feel insecure. He told me that when he had met Simon the night when a few of us went out I gave Simon a "weird hug". I can't recall a "weird hug" but I can recall giving him a hug. I hug people who I care about sometimes. It's more likely when I've been drinking; we all had been drinking that night. I know I gave everyone we were hanging out with a hug. My fiance, Jess, her boyfriend (who I work with), my brother, his girlfriend, Damon and Simon. I would have hugged Simon in the same way that I hugged anyone else. I know this because he is my friend and I care about him but again, there are no romantic feelings!
After the huge fight with my fiance things cooled down a bit. We established some boundaries in what we should do when we aren't together or how we should hang out with friends of the opposite sex. Because Simon had done nothing wrong he said I can still talk to him and we can still hang out if other people are around. My fiance wants me to be able to tell him things that go on and talk to him about what I'm doing and things in general and feel comfortable doing it. He agreed to work on the way he reacts when I try to talk to him about things.
One night after work I dropped Simon off at his driving lesson and went home. I didn't know if I should tell my fiance if I did that, or if i should have told him before I did it or after I did it. I wondered if I should have asked him if it was okay. I was talking to my fiance later in the night before bed and I wondered if I should tell him then or wait. I felt that if I waited he would ask me why I didn't tell him sooner. I was afraid he was going to be upset. I told him on the phone before bed and it started an argument. I should have know that before bed was not the right time... We had been having arguments frequently before bed because he would bring issues up right before I had to go to sleep. Because of the time difference I was suffering more because of it and I was always the one to say stop, and I would have to end it because he just continues despite my protests that its the wrong time. We agreed to stop doing that and it got better so I can see why he would be mad that I brought it up before bed. We got over that eventually and its been a couple weeks. He agreed again to everything we agreed upon before about the friendship boundaries between Simon and I. Driving Simon to his driving class was apparently okay.
You can't choose each others friends.
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