He sees me as a little girl...

So this is not precisely a problem, it's only annoying at times, at most. I get this strange feeling with my SO when we talk about some topics, I feel like he thinks I know nothing about the world. Why? It is actually simple. I'm a virgin, I've never experienced economic struggles, my family appears normal, I've always been in private school, and at my nearly 21 years of age I've never gotten drunk or have smoked anything. SO sees me as a princess who's just gotten out of her bubble.

I admit my SO may have lived more, since he's been in 3 cities while I've lived here all my life, he had 5 gf's before me and he's my first bf. I also think he likes seeing me as someone who needs protection, since he LOVES the "strong knight and fragile princess" roles, and it is cute actually, but... I don't know, it is just this little itchy annoying feeling.

I know I'm not that experienced but I still don't like that he supposes that I've lived nothing just because I appear all "pure and naive", as some people describe me. He tends to suppose this with people who look innocent and happy. He thought the same thing about someone (I'll call him R), who is his friend and my cousin. "R is a rich boy who has never had a problem in his life"... but what R doesn't tell him is that his a brother with schizophrenia and his sister was close to death with leukemia.

Same goes with me, I've had experiences myself but I just don't go bragging on "oh I've lived so much, my life has been hard and that makes me wise". OK, I'm not wise, but I really don't feel that unexperienced. Then my SO has this friend at the place he lives, and he always tells me how experienced she is and how she has lived so many things, he even speaks with some admiration. This girl who has openly had sex with over 35 men. I wonder if that's what I have to for him to stop seeing me like the little princess who has just peered out the window of her castle for the first time.

I wonder if I should tell him about all I've lived, like actually brag. No, I haven't been drunk, and no, I haven't had sex. But there are lots of things I've seen with close people that have marked me. Things that are related to family violence in my best friend's house, death, extreme poverty on a side of the family, mental disorders, autism... etc.

It's so annoying!!! I do not like him having this image of me. Should I tell him about this or should I just get over it? I mean perhaps it is not that important and I am whining about nothing :P what do you think? Should I do something about this?

[Kristin91]

I think you should just explain to him what you explained to us. Obviously it's bothering you, and if you don't talk about it, it will just keep building up.

[Moon]

You know what, at 21, you're supposed to still be a bit naive and inexperienced; if you've had a decent life, that's how it should be. That's not a bad thing. Being treated like though would bug the crap out of me, he should not be condescending just because he thinks he has some more life experience, that's unnecessary and demeaning, and if I were you, I'd make that very, very clear to him, next time he makes you feel that way. It's possible that he doesn't know he's one of "those" people and needs a bit of a wake-up call from someone close to him. If he's an otherwise reasonable guy, telling him about it may just open his eyes to it. Good luck,

[Deleted]

You know what, at 21, you're supposed to still be a bit naive and inexperienced; if you've had a decent life, that's how it should be. That's not a bad thing. Being treated like though would bug the crap out of me, he should not be condescending just because he thinks he has some more life experience, that's unnecessary and demeaning, and if I were you, I'd make that very, very clear to him, next time he makes you feel that way. It's possible that he doesn't know he's one of "those" people and needs a bit of a wake-up call from someone close to him. If he's an otherwise reasonable guy, telling him about it may just open his eyes to it. Good luck,

This! I am aware of my age and I haven't gone though a lot. I just don't like being treated like my life experience is BELOW average.

He's usually reasonable... I think I'll tell him about this bug next time something related comes up.

[Sailormars]

Hiii!!! I was in the same situation before. My ex (now) was 14 years older than me, and he's had a lot of gf's. He was my first bf. At first it bothered me coz I had nothing to retort back to him, but later on I had to open up and really talk it out with him. Plenty of guys we meet down the road are actually more experienced than us. Don't let him belittle you like that. Doesn't mean you haven't lived longer and haven't been with any other guy, doesn't mean you don't know anything. Just talk it out with him. I would be really playful if I were you, a little bragging won't hurt. Just a little!!! Be like, "so you think I'm a little girl huh???" My point is, if someone knew so much about Mars or Jupiter, it doesn't mean anything like he/she has been to those planets or has lived long enough than my great grandfather. You can get all those information from books, and some of those well-thought of hypotheses. Same thing with life... I agree, experience is the best teacher, but there are stuff that you just know and maybe you imagined it at some point. You're a little girl alright, but you can't help it if you're smart and a natural!!!

[NerdyChick]

Hi there, I just wanted to pop in here and let you know that you aren't alone, I'm 20, a virgin, never been drunk, never smoked anything, never partied it up, people hear those things about me and automatically assume I'm some innocent, naive, young child, but the truth is I just had an extremely dysfunctional upbringing, but we all have our battles and obstacles to overcome in life, they just come at different times and at different levels, but that doesn't mean they leave any less of an impact on us. The reason I never partied or went out and "lived", as it has been called, wasn't because I was naive, it was because I was all too aware of just where that can lead, I've witnessed it first hand and I made the decision that I didn't want that for myself. I think it's just wrong he seems to be condescending about it, just because you don't go out in the world and make reckless decisions doesn't make you any less experienced at life, doesn't make you any less aware of hardship and pain. I've always been really proud of myself for not living those experiences, for making the choices I did. He shouldn't make you feel guilty for that, or for anything along these lines. I would suggest you calmly confront him, explain that when he does or says these things it makes you feel discounted and completely misunderstood. Explain you don't view your choices in these scenarios as something to be ashamed of or feel regretful about, explain that like everyone else you've had your own battles to fight, seen your fair share of sadness and pain, the only difference is you haven't posted those battles for the world to see. But most importantly don't ever think you have to compromise your own value system to appease someone else. It should never come to that. Anyway, good luck, I'm wishing you all the best!

[marbear31]

I seriously know EXACTLY what you mean. My boyfriend has never treated me like that (and I love him for it), but that's pretty much the reaction I get from everyone else, even friends. I'm blonde, 21, dating my first boyfriend, and living at home to save money to pay off my college debt faster. I had a great childhood, my family's wonderful, and I haven't been through any horribly traumatic experiences. I also take life and love positively, and try to see the good in everyone. Because of this, I'm generally perceived as a naive sweetheart who doesn't know shit about life. It's frustrating as hell when people treat me like I don't know anything or that I'm too "young" or "dumb" to understand anything, but instead of taking it negatively, I try to write it off humourously (I'll make snarky jokes about the "dumb blonde" epidemic) or think about how I can approve how I presented myself so I don't portray myself that way. And, at the end of the day, I've realized not everyone is going to perceive me how I want them to, and, you know what? That doesn't matter. As long as I'm okay with who I am, those who matter will come along for the ride, and they're the only ones I want there anyway.

More than anything, I just wanted to say I empathize, and to not place so much importance on others' opinions. Tell your SO how you feel--not judgmentally, but truthfully, simply, and sincerely--and, I think you might be surprised at how he reacts. He may just not realize he's treating you like this, and I hope he realizes, with your honesty, how you feel.

[Moon]

I seriously know EXACTLY what you mean. My boyfriend has never treated me like that (and I love him for it), but that's pretty much the reaction I get from everyone else, even friends. I'm blonde, 21, dating my first boyfriend, and living at home to save money to pay off my college debt faster. I had a great childhood, my family's wonderful, and I haven't been through any horribly traumatic experiences. I also take life and love positively, and try to see the good in everyone. Because of this, I'm generally perceived as a naive sweetheart who doesn't know shit about life. It's frustrating as hell when people treat me like I don't know anything or that I'm too "young" or "dumb" to understand anything, but instead of taking it negatively, I try to write it off humourously (I'll make snarky jokes about the "dumb blonde" epidemic) or think about how I can approve how I presented myself so I don't portray myself that way. And, at the end of the day, I've realized not everyone is going to perceive me how I want them to, and, you know what? That doesn't matter. As long as I'm okay with who I am, those who matter will come along for the ride, and they're the only ones I want there anyway.

More than anything, I just wanted to say I empathize, and to not place so much importance on others' opinions. Tell your SO how you feel--not judgmentally, but truthfully, simply, and sincerely--and, I think you might be surprised at how he reacts. He may just not realize he's treating you like this, and I hope he realizes, with your honesty, how you feel.

Hmmm...I don't mean to derail this thread, but Marbear, I don't think you come off that way at all. I wish more 21 year olds were as intelligent as you are about things

[SquishyLove]

My worst ex had what I like to refer to as a Pygmalion complex. He thought he was so wise, learned, etc., and he went for younger and less experienced women on purpose, to try and mold them into the partner he wanted. It's hilarious that most of the time that's completely blown up in his face. I was fairly young and inexperienced when I got with him, but I learned that he could talk a big game, but when it came to being a responsible and functional adult, he sucked really hard, and needed a woman to take care of him, even though he acted like he was "saving" me. Beware of men who feel like they have to be a burly protector, "save" women, or "mold" them. They're usually controlling a-holes or have a whole lot of other problems.

That being said, you say your guy is fairly reasonable about most things. I hope he truly is. It sounds like this really bothers you, and you need to set up some clear boundaries around it. You're not a child-bride, obviously, and you're smart enough to know it. Actually, you've made some really good decisions by not getting into heavy substance abuse, etc. I don't see why a lot of people think that's "naive." I think it's smart.

[Deleted]

Phew... glad to see I'm not alone in this one.

As NerdyChick and marbear31, I have other reasons not to get into these situations, personal experiences that have touched me and have made me who I am. To me it is important to avoid troubles, and I've seen close people have troubles with substances, sex and just their YOLO attitude. I'm also one to think that, although mistakes are lessons, you do not necessarily have to make them to learn. Specially if you saw someone else make the same mistake. To me, the whole "it won't happen to me" thing when one warns about possible trouble...now that is being naive. Appearing fearless does not make you stronger.

I talked to my SO about this. I did not go directly to the point though, I first asked him if he thought I was naive, as many people thought. In fact I was surprised by his reply... he said I only appeared naive, but he did not consider me so. He said someone naive would not be able to stand strong against peer pressure as I do, or would be actually realizing that people have a mistaken perception of me. "Those are not things naive people do". I did not directly talk about how he made me feel sometimes, but I think he kind of got it, because he's been way more careful on those topics lately and he has been treating me better. He brought the topic yesterday again saying he had been thinking about it, and realized he was unfair sometimes.

If this itchy feeling comes again soon I WILL be direct about it, this time I just wanted to see if it was me who misunderstood what he said. I'm glad he did give it a thought on his own... good thing he's and introspective guy, it helps a lot.

[Deleted]

My worst ex had what I like to refer to as a Pygmalion complex. He thought he was so wise, learned, etc., and he went for younger and less experienced women on purpose, to try and mold them into the partner he wanted. It's hilarious that most of the time that's completely blown up in his face. I was fairly young and inexperienced when I got with him, but I learned that he could talk a big game, but when it came to being a responsible and functional adult, he sucked really hard, and needed a woman to take care of him, even though he acted like he was "saving" me. Beware of men who feel like they have to be a burly protector, "save" women, or "mold" them. They're usually controlling a-holes or have a whole lot of other problems.

That being said, you say your guy is fairly reasonable about most things. I hope he truly is. It sounds like this really bothers you, and you need to set up some clear boundaries around it. You're not a child-bride, obviously, and you're smart enough to know it. Actually, you've made some really good decisions by not getting into heavy substance abuse, etc. I don't see why a lot of people think that's "naive." I think it's smart.

Dear God. Must have been a terrible experience for you! I know a guy like this, he's a teacher and man wh*re. He's like 40 and he's looking for an 18 year old bride who is a virgin, never had a boyfriend, never lived on her own, never traveled, knows only one language and preferently not have a career. In other words he wants to be superior to her in every way possible.

[marbear31]

Hmmm...I don't mean to derail this thread, but Marbear, I don't think you come off that way at all. I wish more 21 year olds were as intelligent as you are about things

Aww, Moon, I just saw this, and you absolutely made my night.

Aurora, glad things are working out for you. As I said eariler, it's frustrating as heck!

SquishyLove--man, that would bug me more than anything. I like pretty much anybody, but the only people I have a hard time tolerating are demanding, arrogant assholes. Get your head out of the sand and start recognizing your own temporality, you know?