lie

[Moon]

Being lied to sucks and it doesn't matter how "big" the lie is.

Wellllll....I'm not so sure about that I think it depends on where you are in your relationship, to some degree. When we first started our relationship, we had a conversation about our history, sexual and otherwise. Not a tell-all, just a brief overview, I guess you could say. My guy told me about an experience he had, which I won't get into specifics as he's a very private guy, and I asked him some detailed questions, because I was interested. He answered them, and his involvement seemed pretty vanilla (which actually disappointed me a little ).

Jump ahead a few years, and the subject came up again. Turns out, he was as completely un-vanilla as could be I don't even think he remembers our initial conversation, and that he told me a much cleaner version of the story, and I didn't call him out on it. I realize that, way back then, he didn't tell me because he was afraid of what I would think of him, we didn't know each other well enough yet. Even the re-telling made him really nervous, and he was shocked that I laughed my way through his escapades, I guess he still thought there was a chance I'd hold his past against him.

I'm not saying anyone should ever lie, but I am saying to look at the context. Sometimes people take too much liberty in the beginning of a relationship, and the right answer might be "I'm not comfortable sharing that with you at this time", but sometimes giving a cleaner version of events might also be OK, too.

[TwoThree]

OMG Moon! Is it a threesome with two other guys?

[Moon]

OMG Moon! Is it a threesome with two other guys?

Bwahahaha! NO! Then I would be pissed that I missed it!

[Katy31]

To be honest, I think that when confronted with an SO who has made it clear that they would be fairly judgmental about any sexual history at all (e.g. because they're jealous etc.) it can be quite hard not to lie. I'm not saying lying is right... just that we should be willing to admit to the reality that a lot of good people would probably do it in this situation. My opinion is that if you want to discuss this sort of thing at all in a relationship, it should be out of curiosity, or a desire to know your partner better, rather than because if it's more than, say zero, then you're going to agonize over it etc. If you approach her judgmentally about it you will do far more harm than good. At the end of the day, its in the past and she's with you.

[JoeyBug]

To be honest, I think that when confronted with an SO who has made it clear that they would be fairly judgmental about any sexual history at all (e.g. because they're jealous etc.) it can be quite hard not to lie. I'm not saying lying is right... just that we should be willing to admit to the reality that a lot of good people would probably do it in this situation. My opinion is that if you want to discuss this sort of thing at all in a relationship, it should be out of curiosity, or a desire to know your partner better, rather than because if it's more than, say zero, then you're going to agonize over it etc. If you approach her judgmentally about it you will do far more harm than good. At the end of the day, its in the past and she's with you.

Very well said!

[chizatlauren]

How dare she have sex with someone else instead of waiting for you her entire life! What a harlot!

TwoThree always makes my day!

Anyway, I've posted a thread before somewhere about my SO lying to me about his make-believe GF... Hahaha it's the exact opposite of your SO. I think he did that to make it seem like he's cool cause he's not a virgin but he actually IS a virgin. And I don't really mind. Why should you mind if she isn't a virgin anymore if you really love her? She might be ashamed to admit that she already did it with some other person, BUT WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BE BOTHERED?

Oops sorry for the caps. XD

[ThePiedPiper]

To be honest, I think that when confronted with an SO who has made it clear that they would be fairly judgmental about any sexual history at all (e.g. because they're jealous etc.) it can be quite hard not to lie. I'm not saying lying is right... just that we should be willing to admit to the reality that a lot of good people would probably do it in this situation. My opinion is that if you want to discuss this sort of thing at all in a relationship, it should be out of curiosity, or a desire to know your partner better, rather than because if it's more than, say zero, then you're going to agonize over it etc. If you approach her judgmentally about it you will do far more harm than good. At the end of the day, its in the past and she's with you.

I agree with this. It's also hard for women who have had sexual partners before because while we're socially supposed to want it and be prepared to give it to our man when he wants it, we're also supposed to remain virgins forever because a woman's worth is somehow muddled up in the status of her virginity. Add a judgmental partner to that or someone demanding to know, and you have the recipe for someone being too anxious to tell you the truth about a very, very vulnerable issue. You also have continued not to give us any details and that coupled with "she gave me the feeling" makes me think this was more a misunderstanding on your end than an actual lie, OP. Not to be accusatory, but you've so far said nothing that convinces me she actually lied. You said she gave you a feeling and that different languages make it hard to convey a point, so it makes me think you misunderstood and are now hurt over it. Honestly, you need to get over it. :/ /ask her about it, sure, but though it's already done (I'm assuming), I hope you were able to do so out of an open and loving space and not the confrontational, judgmental tone you took here. After a certain point, it's likely that most people are going to have sexual histories. I've never understood why people get so insecure about someone's past when the present, at least in my opinion, is far more important...