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**Biddlybiddlybombop** · April 8, 2013, 08:40 AM

To be completely honest, I don't think your trust issues are resolved. If one of you going out with your friends makes the other one anxious enough to say "don't behave inappropriately", you've definitely not forgiven each other for whatever happened. Comments like that just show that you don't trust each other to behave in a way that the other would find acceptable without being reminded to. If he's acting like a victim about it, it's because he feels like a victim still. And fighting about the individual incident rather than having a mature discussion about the overall issue - the fact that your trust issues aren't resolved - is only going to put you both on the defensive and breed more negativity. Even if it annoys you that he still plays the victim, if you want things to work between the two of you, you need to work on the issue rather than fight about it.

I think the comment your SO made was insensitive. Considering he's made comments of "you complete me" and has now retracted that, I would be reacting the way you are - 'What have I done wrong'? I think you need to really calmly address that, and explain to him why it's made you feel insecure. There's a chance that he really doesn't realise that it was insensitive, but to me it looks a bit passive aggressive. Trying to get a rise out of you and make you feel like you need to work harder to win him over. I think from what you've said, he's very insecure about your relationship. The best thing you can do is to stay as calm and collected as possible. I'd suggest that you write down the things that you want to say, so that when you talk you can avoid the conversation escalating to an argument.

As much as this situation sounds infuriating, you won't solve it through conflict.

**JoeyBug** · April 8, 2013, 12:33 PM

I agree with the above poster. If there are still comments being made about past events when the trust was broken, then I don't think that it's all forgotten about and the trust back in place.

As for the text, it does sound a little off if he's said before that you "complete" him. It could be that it's residual fight left over from the argument you had, or it could be passive aggressive way of saying that your relationship has changed for him.

As far as trust is concerned, it's hard to have a relationship where there is little to no trust, it's near impossible to do it in an LDR. If he still feels that you going out with your friends is an area where he thinks he can't trust you to not "do something stupid" then he's not giving you 100% trust and I'm not sure that it's something you can just wait for time to fix. I agree that you need to talk to him about it and ask him some serious questions as to what his feelings are regarding trust and your relationship. It may be that he's saying one thing and thinking another. It sounds infuriating, but you do need to sit down and talk. Whether that's through the phone or skype or text or whatnot, you guys need to have a serious conversation.

Good Luck,

and let us know how it goes!

**Irina_Linn** · April 8, 2013, 01:49 PM

thanks to the replies,guys,they really cheered me up and cleared few things

about trust-oh we did that,we talked a lot.but he just says "i trust you but dont trust the others" and also "all your male friends wanna make out with you so i hate them".i tried to convince him by saying he can even check my accounts and messages,and honestly i've been repeating how precious he is to me like every day.its like babysitting,really.but he just keeps being stubborn and saying yea i know you are good now,but before you did things.i just feel like i am stuck and cant get out of this cursed circle.thats the thing.

**Kristin91** · April 8, 2013, 04:38 PM

Originally posted by Irina_Linn View Post

thanks to the replies,guys,they really cheered me up and cleared few things

about trust-oh we did that,we talked a lot.but he just says "i trust you but dont trust the others" and also "all your male friends wanna make out with you so i hate them".i tried to convince him by saying he can even check my accounts and messages,and honestly i've been repeating how precious he is to me like every day.its like babysitting,really.but he just keeps being stubborn and saying yea i know you are good now,but before you did things.i just feel like i am stuck and cant get out of this cursed circle.thats the thing.

The thing is, if he trusted you enough it wouldn't matter that he can't trust the others.

**Irina_Linn** · April 8, 2013, 04:53 PM

Originally posted by Kristin91 View Post

The thing is, if he trusted you enough it wouldn't matter that he can't trust the others.

exactly my thought.as i said,i dont know what else to do and how to prove him i can be trusted.i texted him tho saying we have to solve it and he has to get over it,instead of blaming me every time

**Kiyama** · April 9, 2013, 01:51 AM

I don't mean to be harsh but you say this flirt occurred 1,5 years ago. If he still has trust issues because of that, it seems unlikely he will ever overcome them :/ trust once broken is hard to regain. the question is: can you live with the fact that you have a boyfriend who will always be the jealous type and who doesn't believe you can be trusted?

**Irina_Linn** · April 9, 2013, 02:49 AM

Originally posted by Kiyama View Post

I don't mean to be harsh but you say this flirt occurred 1,5 years ago. If he still has trust issues because of that, it seems unlikely he will ever overcome them :/ trust once broken is hard to regain. the question is: can you live with the fact that you have a boyfriend who will always be the jealous type and who doesn't believe you can be trusted?

its ok and i undertsand what you meant,you aint being harsh.there was also one story that happened about same time back,and what he did was not also very nice,and actually only now i started feeling ok about it.but i adressed him yesterday saying we have to solve it finally as i dont want all my life to feel untrusted
update he replied to me,saying there was a communication gap.what he meant by his text (and that was incredibly awkward,i would never have guessed) is that he gives me freedom in a sense he doesnt want to depend on me and make me feel like he hangs on me in life.instead i am free in actions and if i ever wanna leave,it will not kill him.must say it was great to read that,as in past he used to say a lot how he depends on me,was a nnoying a little as i think partners should still keep their individualities and not dissolve in each other.about trust he gave some fishy reply again that he trusts me 100% etc etc so its still a subject to talk about.

**Rugger** · April 9, 2013, 06:36 AM

Originally posted by Irina_Linn View Post

"i trust you but dont trust the others" and also "all your male friends wanna make out with you so i hate them".

This line my friend, is fucking bullshit if you pardon my language. He doesn't trust you. At all.

I wouldn't stand for this. If he can't trust you over FLIRTING for godssake, then I would leave. Flirting is harmless. He needs to shape up or ship out. He's making mountains out of molehills here.

**digitalfever** · April 9, 2013, 07:08 AM

People flirt. It's not something that ALWAYS has a purpose in fact I think flirting is just part of being human and if he can't get over something that happened almost 2 years ago then..my dear he ain't over it.

**Irina_Linn** · April 9, 2013, 07:27 AM

i dont wanna go all protective now (because he is my boyfriend lol) but when we were together,this topic was never raised.i used to dance with other guys (not dirty dancing obviously) while he was dj'ing, and he was totally cool about it.then this super long period of 10 months came,the time when all these issues started and then only 2 weeks with each other and here it goes,9 months again.i actually am sure that when distance is closed,we will hardly remember we ever argued on the topic of trust.however,at this very moment its the only subject we fight about,and i really wish we get over it.a month back we decided we forget the past,move on and be happy.and few days back it just came out all of a sudden,i dont even remember how.i am incredibly happy being with that man so i dont want to even consider leaving, but this thing is quite annoying.well i hope we get a chance to talk tonight and figure it out.

**dragonlady** · April 9, 2013, 08:01 AM

can he talk to a shrink aboout it? that would help i think..

**arrah5** · April 10, 2013, 12:47 AM

IMHO, I would say that the pressure of not seeing each other for long periods of time is making him a little nutso. He ultimately trusts you, but feels like giving you a guilt trip when you go out with your friends by reminding you of a hurt you caused long ago. He needs to let it go and let you be you. I agree that the "I don't trust them" line is complete bullshit. I have heard that very line, but it was used as an assurance of trust in our relationship, "I know they want you, I don't trust them to keep their hands off of you, but I know you won't let things go that far". Perhaps if he brings it up again, you can gently remind him that you will maintain control of the situation and things wont get out of hand, that you can be trusted. It seems to me that he is insecure and fishing for compliments. I say this because I have sometimes said the wrong thing trying to bolster my own confidence and it ended up in a fight...

So I suggest giving him the reassurance that he craves, without stroking his ego, or making yourself seem like a doormat.

**Irina_Linn** · April 10, 2013, 02:27 AM

Originally posted by arrah5 View Post

IMHO, I would say that the pressure of not seeing each other for long periods of time is making him a little nutso. He ultimately trusts you, but feels like giving you a guilt trip when you go out with your friends by reminding you of a hurt you caused long ago. He needs to let it go and let you be you. I agree that the "I don't trust them" line is complete bullshit. I have heard that very line, but it was used as an assurance of trust in our relationship, "I know they want you, I don't trust them to keep their hands off of you, but I know you won't let things go that far". Perhaps if he brings it up again, you can gently remind him that you will maintain control of the situation and things wont get out of hand, that you can be trusted. It seems to me that he is insecure and fishing for compliments. I say this because I have sometimes said the wrong thing trying to bolster my own confidence and it ended up in a fight...

So I suggest giving him the reassurance that he craves, without stroking his ego, or making yourself seem like a doormat.

that was actually a good point you made,as i tend to think in a same way.oh i forgot to say.he thinks i am not controlling the situation because:
when my male friends say something at times or joke about sex,i just ignore it or calmly remind i am committed.but in my SO's opinion i mmediately have to tell them fuck off and stop speaking i guess.thats why maybe he doesnt think of me as being capable to take control if the situation goes beyond innocent jokes

**Irina_Linn** · April 10, 2013, 06:57 AM

update
so we spoke first time in few days.now we are balancing between breaking up and not breaking up.i calmly started saying how he means really a lot to me and i respect his wish to be the only man for me.he started remmebering things again and then said "i want you to be with me".this happened again after accusing me for like 5 minutes in the things happened 1,5 years back.what i especially liked: "guys touched your hair" and it was said like they put their dick in me in the middle of the dancefloor.i really am confused now.he has some unrealistic demands.i am with him,i always tell him where and with whom i go and yet he wants me to be his and with him and bullshit like that.honestly i started thinking whether its worth it

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