What if you couldn't close the distance?

[Kiyama]

For the last 18 months this has been my ultimate goal and little did I know how many obstacles would come in the way. Both personal obstacles, obstacles in the relationship but also outside factors.
I don't know what I expected but somehow I thought this would be easier. I'd just move over there or he over here but neither way is really open right now. I can't go there without a spouse visa and he can't come here without a job.
My goal was to close the distance this summer but now I clearly see how unlikely this is going to happen. There are 0 job vacancies online right now. There were 3 in the last weeks and wow, so many people who apply for those 3! So, if no jobs come round for him, the next possible date for me to move there would be in August 2014. If the visa we will get doesn't expire till then. And it might because as a teacher I can't just pack up my stuff and quit in the middle of the year without facing consequences.
Shall I just try not to think about it and hope for the best?
Have you been through something similar and can share your story?
I could use some inspiration and/or hope

[Moon]

If your ultimate goal is to get married and have children, ignore what I'm about to say

There really isn't any feasible way for us to close the distance either. Not only is my daughter here, but without fluent Finnish, and an advanced degree, I will not get a job in Finland. My guy is the only child of divorced, aging parents, he owns his apartment, has a decent job, and a small group of very close knit friends from childhood. Oh yeah, and he's not too fond of the US So, for now at least, we just don't worry about it. Neither of us wants to have kids though, and we don't have a need for marriage, and I think that's the key to the whole thing, otherwise our way just wouldn't work.

It's not the easiest way to go about an LDR, but for us, it works really well. I like to think that someday, somehow, we'll manage to live in the same space, but all that really matters is that we have each other.

Maybe put off talking about it for a set amount of time, like a year, and see where you are then?

[Sora1101]

I was supposed to close the distance with my SO a year ago in May`but due to opportunities I couldn't pass up we won't be closing the distance until May of 2014. Unless of course something else gets in our way. We had been planning on closing the distance last year for a good 2 years so to have it ripped out from under us in literally 3 months till I was due to move was crushing. But I knew he was worth waiting 2 more years for, after all it isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

But I think it my SO and I could never close the distance I'd call it quits unless we visited longer or more frequently than we do. Right now we're averaging 2.5 days a year. I would NOT be able to maintain an indefinite LDR with that little amount of time together.

[mllebamako]

I think, if it were me, if August 2014 seemed like it was 99% sure as a closing-the-distance date, I would just accept the situation as it is and wait it out. But if August 2014 was not so sure and more of just a hopeful-date, I think I'd find another way.

I know it's not ideal but could he come live with you in Germany for some time with no job? Is your income enough to support both of you? Or could he look for a teaching English opportunity, even if that's not his field? I'm assuming that you want to spend some more time together close distance before committing to something like a spousal visa, right? If it were me, I'd find a way for him to go to you for some time so that you guys can see if the spousal visa is right for you.

[lola]

Agreed, if I knew that we are going to close the distance in 2014 summer I would be super happy about it and make plans for it and don't worry much...

But in my situation I'm a little worried, I know maybe I should think so much about closing distance (we have been together nearly 1.5 year), but I'm thinking about it too much... I'm thinking about it before I sleep and so on... but I know that that will not happen in the nearest future... I am always saying a little things about it to my boy but I think he is not ready to talk to me about closing distance in a serious way in the nearest future, but who know what will happen... And yes I am kind a girl who wants to marry with her love and be happy with him and have lots of lovely babies, and sometimes I think that I'm getting super old for it and I want it to happen super soon (I am 23 and he is 29)

[Kiyama]

Thanks for your replies.

Moon, I've been thinking about that a lot recently. Marriage isn't something I'd need. I can live happily ever after with my SO without the ring and I can also live with the distance to some extent because I can't imagine being without him, especially since it is our circumstances that dont really allow is to move. Of course I want to be with him but there are many reasons that keep me in Germany and it is similar for him. However, and here is the big "but", I want children at some point and I cannot imagine doing that long distance. So argh. It's difficult.

I was supposed to close the distance with my SO a year ago in May`but due to opportunities I couldn't pass up we won't be closing the distance until May of 2014. Unless of course something else gets in our way. We had been planning on closing the distance last year for a good 2 years so to have it ripped out from under us in literally 3 months till I was due to move was crushing. But I knew he was worth waiting 2 more years for, after all it isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.

Sora, I think I could live with extending the time but 2014 still wouldn't be a definite date for us, especially if the visa expires. Is it definite for you that you'll be able to close the distance next year in May?

I know it's not ideal but could he come live with you in Germany for some time with no job? Is your income enough to support both of you? Or could he look for a teaching English opportunity, even if that's not his field? I'm assuming that you want to spend some more time together close distance before committing to something like a spousal visa, right? If it were me, I'd find a way for him to go to you for some time so that you guys can see if the spousal visa is right for you.

Mllebamako, unfortunately it's complicated. He has a government job (very well paid too) and because of his pension it would be very stupid of him if he quit so I wouldn't want him to do that. He also is kind of at the top of his career really and I don't feel it would be fair to of me to expect him to give everything up and move here. It's not him saying that, it's me. My SO is just over 40 now so yeah just leaving everything behind and starting all over after everything he has achieved... It doesn't seem right.
The spousal visa is kind of a sore spot for us. It's in progress but we've had really rough patches because of it in the past and at the moment at least, it doesn't feel right.

but I know that that will not happen in the nearest future... I am always saying a little things about it to my boy but I think he is not ready to talk to me about closing distance in a serious way in the nearest future

How long have you been going out? But I also want to add that you are still quite young so you have a lot of time for children, no worries

[squeeker]

I understand that feeling. My SO and I went through different plans, seeing which one would be best, and having a plan that would mean we'd close the distance sooner but it not working out. On our last visit last summer, we did a lot of thinking of how we could do it. He wants to be financially able to support me before we close the distance and especially get married because our whole relationship is delayed because of money and the way our society and world works at this time. We decided to both go back to university and get degrees and so it'll increase our chances of getting good jobs.

Though I do realize you two already have the jobs you want by the looks of things. My advice is like Moon says, I think it's quite wise and I think it gives me hope and I'll say her quote "I like to think that someday, somehow, we'll manage to live in the same space, but all that really matters is that we have each other" is really good because it's how I feel too. I know what I want and I want my SO and a future with him, and just like when the one UK immigrations officer asked me about our relationship and if we planned to get married and told me that I couldn't apply for a fiance visa with him on benefits.. I said something about not caring and I'd be in a long distance relationship with just seeing each other on shorter visits as long as needed. Or something like that. I was really nervous and didn't want her thinking I was planning on staying illegally because I wasn't and I didn't! lol

I get the frustration. At one point I had to accept that our plans could change at any time. What I do is have this image of us in the future, our hopes and dreams and plans, and I think of it from time to time and hope one day it will come true. I try not to dwell on the what ifs. I know my SO and I end up talking about it and it's not certain when we'll be able to close the distance. It counts on us getting good jobs after we graduate, he'll graduate before me, and we'll see from there.

Another thing I like to think about is how even now, our story is being written, and just enjoy it. Long distance relationships are different from others and your story is unique and wonderful and just remember why you love your SO and why this is all worth it.

Sorry for rambling and if it doesn't make sense, but I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

[digitalfever]

If your ultimate goal is to get married and have children, ignore what I'm about to say

There really isn't any feasible way for us to close the distance either. Not only is my daughter here, but without fluent Finnish, and an advanced degree, I will not get a job in Finland. My guy is the only child of divorced, aging parents, he owns his apartment, has a decent job, and a small group of very close knit friends from childhood. Oh yeah, and he's not too fond of the US So, for now at least, we just don't worry about it. Neither of us wants to have kids though, and we don't have a need for marriage, and I think that's the key to the whole thing, otherwise our way just wouldn't work.

It's not the easiest way to go about an LDR, but for us, it works really well. I like to think that someday, somehow, we'll manage to live in the same space, but all that really matters is that we have each other.

Maybe put off talking about it for a set amount of time, like a year, and see where you are then?

I've always wondered...Would you guys retire together?

[Dezface]

If my SO and I had been unable to have a plan to close the distance, I wouldn't have been able to continue the relationship. I struggled being long distance and I had to know there would be an end to make it through it.

I think if you want children, you need to take a serious look at how you feel about things. Would you be willing to forego kids to be in a permanent LDR? Or would you be willing to raise them long distance? Or do you need to be in the same place as your partner to make that happen? These are questions that you need a definitive answer to so you know what direction you need to head in.

Of course you can put off thinking about it. But is that something that will help or just put off the inevitable? If memory serves, I think you're about my age. I know many people still feel young and free and like they have the world ahead of them at this age. But I don't. I feel like this is the time for me to get serious in my life and I wasn't happy with all the uncertainty surrounding a LDR. I think how you feel life wise factors in too.

It's a big problem and decision and I hope you find the answers you're looking for

[Moon]

I've always wondered...Would you guys retire together?

Who knows? I'd like to think we'll get it figured out long before then, but I have thought about that.

[Hollandia]

We both want children. We are not young and I figure if we want them together after 2 years, the time is running short. His country won't take any income into account except his and his job has to be contracted for 12 months. His company gave him a 6 month contract that is about 100 euros short of the amount needed. He lives in this rose colored world that "it will just work out". I am still weighing my options, I really have not decided what move to make next except to continue the merry go round of 3 months here and 3 months there for a while longer. I understand how you feel, do you give up a dream of children potentially or give up the one you love because they are LDR? I can't bring myself to even think of losing him, so maybe I already made up my mind.

[Catface]

Because my SO still has two years of school left, we know right away that we won't be able to close the distance for a while. We have every intention of it though. I think it would take a lot for us to be stopped from closing the distance, especially because we know how well we fit together while we live together. I have no answer for what would happen if we couldn't. At this stage all I can say is.. I won't take no for an answer!

[leonsfangirl]

I had this talk with my SO once. It was just after they changed the visa rules and it screwed our plans on a huge scale.

Not being in a relationship is not an option to us. If we had to fly to see each other for the rest of our lives, we would.
We'd try everything first to close the distance but if it didn't happen for whatever reason, we wouldnt end our relationship.
As we're older i think it's an easier decision for us to make. I have two children with my ex and cant have anymore so that takes wanting to start a family out of the equation and as we've never lived closed distance and the longest visit we've had is 2 weeks, dare i say it's not as difficult to live our lives this way as it is for people who met close distance as this is how we've lived up until now and this is normal for us. It would suck but we'd cope.

[kayla_622]

Honestly, if we couldn't close the distance within a certain time frame, I would break it off. I need that physical connection with someone and while its nice to have that every couple of months its really not an ideal situation at least for me.

[Tooki]

Closing the Distance in the near future is a condition to my relationship.