What if you couldn't close the distance?

[Moon]

I had this talk with my SO once. It was just after they changed the visa rules and it screwed our plans on a huge scale.

Not being in a relationship is not an option to us. If we had to fly to see each other for the rest of our lives, we would.
We'd try everything first to close the distance but if it didn't happen for whatever reason, we wouldnt end our relationship.
As we're older i think it's an easier decision for us to make. I have two children with my ex and cant have anymore so that takes wanting to start a family out of the equation and as we've never lived closed distance and the longest visit we've had is 2 weeks, dare i say it's not as difficult to live our lives this way as it is for people who met close distance as this is how we've lived up until now and this is normal for us. It would suck but we'd cope.

It's nice to see someone in a similar situation to mine People think I'm nuts, but they don't get that ending the best thing I've ever had is simply not an option for either of us.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I think it depends on where you're at in your life. I'm still young, so on the one hand, I'm not really thinking marriage-kids-old age. On the other hand, that means that I don't want to bother with an LDR unless we can close the distance to be together 'properly'. (I say 'properly' in relation to us as a couple, because we are very in-person kinds of people, and I want to be sharing my everyday life with him more than once or twice a year, not that permanent LDRs aren't 'proper' relationships.) I just want a chance to be dating my boyfriend in the same way my friends date their boyfriends. And we're both young enough that we could close the distance, have some experiences, and if we part ways in 3 years, or 10 years, we're still young enough that we'd be throwing away things we might want in the future - the kids-marriage-pension things.

I don't think love is enough to continue an LDR permanently. It totally depends on the person and where they're at. And it might seem like a completely natural decision, but I think people who can are going to be the exception, rather than the rule. Most people are aiming towards closing the distance at some point. I think it takes a very unique set of circumstances for someone to be prepared to live the majority of their life away from their SO.

[WakeUpSusie]

I couldn't continue indefinitely in a relationship without a definite end possible. I want a marriage and to spend our lives together as a team, something that I believe you need to be physically present for. We were always lucky enough to have a definite end date in sight after four years of long distance during college, and we now live together and are getting married in mid August. I need that physical companionship in my life and I don't think I could have continued in a serious relationship forever without it.

[JoeyBug]

If something were to happen to put off closing the distance for a few years, I could live with that. Closing the distance is important for us both, but it's not going to be the thing that stops us from being together. If he were able to visit more frequently, then I think it would be possible to keep going for longer. I do want to get married, but I won't feel like my life is over if I don't...basically, it's not a dealbreaker for me. We both want kids, but that's up in the air as to whether it's even possible so again, not a dealbreaker.

I've said in the past that I couldn't do the same as Moon, but now, really thinking about it, if the visits were frequent and on both sides, I could probably manage for the longer term. I wouldn't want to lose what we have just because of distance.

[Moon]

The question Kiyama posted is what if you couldn't close the distance, not to tell her how impossible you feel that is. I realize people don't understand being in a certain situation, but that doesn't mean those of us who are in it don't understand the ramifications or think "Love" will take care of everything. While I appreciate that the majority of people can't live like this, and don't get it, please understand that not everybody places the same value on the traditional model of what a relationship is supposed to be. I'm glad everyone is planning on closing the distance, I'm happy for everyone, but don't assume your way is the only way that can possibly work. Sometimes life throws situations at you that doesn't allow you to do exactly what you'd like, so instead of giving up, you find alternative methods to keep the different aspects of your life in harmony.

If this was solely based on love, that makes it easy, I'll go find some guy down the street to love me. It's based on much more than that, so much more that I'm willing to be LD for as long as it takes. Not everyone can just move, when you have things like careers, kids, aging parents, mortgages, and all the responsibilities you acquire with age, so you find another way, even if the majority of people don't understand, or agree with it. Do what works best for you, but don't assume your way is somehow better than mine, or that how I'm doing it isn't possible. I am totally happy and content, and isn't that really the outcome we all want for our lives?

[squeeker]

It's nice to see someone in a similar situation to mine People think I'm nuts, but they don't get that ending the best thing I've ever had is simply not an option for either of us.

Yes I totally agree with this view as well. Although it would not be ideal, being long distance with the one you love is much better than breaking up with the one you love just because you can't close the distance. I would much rather be in a permanent LDR with my SO than not be with him at all! At least I get to see him some times, and I'd take that any day over seeing him never.

[squeeker]

The question Kiyama posted is what if you couldn't close the distance, not to tell her how impossible you feel that is. I realize people don't understand being in a certain situation, but that doesn't mean those of us who are in it don't understand the ramifications or think "Love" will take care of everything. While I appreciate that the majority of people can't live like this, and don't get it, please understand that not everybody places the same value on the traditional model of what a relationship is supposed to be. I'm glad everyone is planning on closing the distance, I'm happy for everyone, but don't assume your way is the only way that can possibly work. Sometimes life throws situations at you that doesn't allow you to do exactly what you'd like, so instead of giving up, you find alternative methods to keep the different aspects of your life in harmony.

If this was solely based on love, that makes it easy, I'll go find some guy down the street to love me. It's based on much more than that, so much more that I'm willing to be LD for as long as it takes. Not everyone can just move, when you have things like careers, kids, aging parents, mortgages, and all the responsibilities you acquire with age, so you find another way, even if the majority of people don't understand, or agree with it. Do what works best for you, but don't assume your way is somehow better than mine, or that how I'm doing it isn't possible. I am totally happy and content, and isn't that really the outcome we all want for our lives?

YES YES YES! I'm sorry you posted this and I didn't see it but I totally agree!

[leonsfangirl]

People may not understand why we'd be long distance forever but i dont understand how they could let the relationship go if the only problem was distance so i guess we're even
I think it's our previous experience that makes it an option for us, we've been married before and know the true value of finding someone who understands and gets you on such a deep level. Not that im saying the people who say they cant do the LDR thing long term dont know that but maybe we value the companionship more than the physical side.
I'd rather be with him 3 times a year for the rest of my life than never see him again, be able to pick up the phone and talk to him everyday than never hear his voice again.

If anybody reads this take take it two ways (fine with it or offended by it..... i meant the first one)

[Ahava]

Moon and Leonsfangilrl, I'm so glad I'm not the only one in the same situation
Our LDR will last for an indefinite amount of years. I'm actually quite content with the idea at the moment.
As we are still in the early days of our relationship there is no hurry or reason to even talk about closing the distance.
Also we both have our lives, close knit families, friends, children etc so there is no way it could happen.

I'm happy that that special someone exists out there and I can reach him any time of the day just by picking up my phone.
We make each other happy and both want to see where this will lead and that's all there is to it at the moment.
I haven't completely given up on the thought of maybe having more children one day but it would certainly not be in the near future.
Also the possibility of getting married again one day isn't out ruled, but it is something I can live without at the moment.

I am content with us. I have it alot easier than many others though as we live on the same continent.
I think winning the lottery would solve this thing out. We could have a house in both countries and visit as often as we want without having to close the distance at all

[lucybelle]

My dad is LD with his wife. Only by a few hour car drive, but still, they're LD. And I don't think either of them will be moving anytime soon. Why? They both have GREAT jobs. It works just fine for them. I actually think my dad prefers to only see his wife on weekends

But me? I was not okay with being permanently LD. Some people have grown accustomed to the situation, but I never could do it. I told my SO he had 3 years to figure out a way to move in with me, and that was that. He did it in two.

[Sora1101]

Thanks for your replies.

Sora, I think I could live with extending the time but 2014 still wouldn't be a definite date for us, especially if the visa expires. Is it definite for you that you'll be able to close the distance next year in May?

Nothing in our world is definite sadly. I ended up staying these 2 years because I got a free ride to get my associates degree so if I get another free ride to cover my BA I would stay. It all depends on opportunities and as it stands right now May 2014 is when I finish my AA so that is when I will move.

[Bluejay Belle]

I really want children, and I would not want them to have to live with indefinitely LD parents. Even without kids in the mix, I would not be suited for a permanent LD situation. I'm much too needy for physical interaction.

[Black_Halloween]

I really have no idea. The thought of never closing the distance with him hurts but the thought of losing him altogether hurts even more. I'd like to believe that we'd fight for it as hard as we could and as long as we could.

[Karura]

Oh my, this is such a complicated question to me. I've thought over this so many times now. My SO and I aren't even close to be able to close the distance because of college, family and financial issues. It pains me a lot that I will only get to see him once a year probably, maybe even less than that, and never more since we're much too far apart from each other, and once I move back to Macau (which can happen next year or the one after) we'll be 11630 miles apart and the flight tickets are really expensive.
I don't think I could live to stay LD forever like this when meeting each other is very complicated. I also wish to built a family with my SO and doing so in a LDR doesn't seem right at all. But I also don't want to lose him and when I can't predict the future like this scares me... I can only hope we'll close the distance, even if takes many years.

[Safihre]

Long distance has to end... Maybe I'm too young (25) to relate why LD could be best, but the agony of not being really part of each other's life or having to spend so much time texting/skyping to feel part of the other's life, is just not worth it.
Right now losing her would be too much, but life is full of possibilities for LD or CD. How long I can hold on to this? I don't know.. maybe another year?