Need a bit of advice regarding parents/family and moving abroad!

[Alle1770]

I've already done several searches around the forum but can't find anything that really matches what I'm looking for, so thought I'd make a new thread and see what happens!

Now, me and my SO have a plan of him coming over here in June, and then stay here over the summer. This is no problem, my parents know about it and he's been here several times before and such. However, we are planning for me to go back to Argentina with him in July/August and then live there together (with me travelling back home for Christmas, and then back again after New Year). We aren't really calling it "closing the distance" because we need to start the visa processes and all that first, but more of an extended vacation and a chance to live together for longer than 2 months (which was the duration of our longest visit.

The problem is, that I don't really think my parents understand my plans, and I haven't really told them straight out that it's what's going to happen either. I've hinted that "I want to go back there for a while" and such, but they've only made a slight comment on it and then nothing more, so I don't think they're taking it seriously - but then again I haven't told them seriously that I'll be moving out either. Now, I'm turning 19 and since you're considered an adult at 18 they can't really do anything to stop me legally, however there are emotional problems of concern. I love my parents and I know my mum really hates the thought of me going away, as do my siblings (especially my younger sister who started crying and telling me I can never move out and leave her when I brought it up a couple of months ago with her, playing around with the idea) and I hate the idea of hurting them by leaving, but I love my SO and I just want to be with him after these two years of not being able to just have a normal life together.

I just don't really know how to tell them, honestly and seriously, that I will be going away after the summer. It seems so strange to be at the dinner table for instance and just go "Hey guys, you know what, I'm moving away to the other side of the earth this summer!"....
Then on the other hand, if it wasn't for my SO coming in to my life and me wanting to move in with him, I would still move to another country after graduation as an au pair/for work/travels because I've always said that's what I want to do, so it shouldn't be that much of a suprise, but still...

God, this became rambly xD Anyway, my basic question is just - how do I tell them I'm moving? How do I bring it up? Any of you guys have any good arguments that I can use when their arguments of "but you have your life here", "there's free education", "it will break our hearts" comes up? I'd really appreciate any comments or ideas on the subject!

Cheers

[emsimes]

Hey there!
I think the best thing for you to do is to be completely honest and open with them. I know you're nervous about telling them, but the sooner you talk to them about it, the easier it will be.
I'm not saying it will be an easy conversation at all. It will probably be tough, with all of you upset for a bit afterwards.

But, I think, in the end, you have to do what's best for you!! If going to Argentina to be with your SO is your dream, then follow it! I know you love your family and it will be hard to leave them, but just think about what would happen if you didn't leave to be with your SO.
Sure, your family might not be too pleased with your decision, and they will probably be upset about it for awhile. But if they see that this is what you really want, I think they will stand by you because they love you and want what's best for you.

I hope my advice helped a bit! Wishing you all the best

[Alsfia]

I guess that Im in a kind of similar situation as you, though my SO doesnt live outside eu.
Im going to spend the summer in England with my SO and his family and work to get a bit of money saved and then rent a flat with him and stay for about 18 months during our gap year. Since unis are more or less free in Finland as well I will most likely return to study here, and since only 2 universities offer courses in Swedish or partly in Swedish here I will have to move anyway. This is one of the arguments you probably could use, unless you live in Stockholm or Lund i suppose.
I have involved my mum quite a lot in the planning so far, though most is still preliminary, which I think has helped.
One of the things Ive pointed out too is that we both need a breathing pause from the distance before we go to university and probably turn LD again. And there is Skype and mail and Google+ and Facebook and loads of other ways to keep contact cheaply.
Lastly, theyre your family and should want you happy. My youngest brother has been very upset that Im moving to England, but hes started to get used to the idea and since its not that expensive to fly to england he could always visit.
Lycka till!

[Moon]

But, what will you do about your education? I know that's not what you asked, but it's really important. For me, there's not really anything my daughter could say that would make it OK to me, if she did it before getting her schooling done. Maybe I missed something from another thread about it, though. If so, apologies Being a parent, it always hurts when your kids move, but if we think they're mature enough and have a solid foundation already, most of us just accept it as a normal, if painful-ish, part of life. Make very sure you have good, solid, sensible plans to tell them about, or they aren't going to approve. You will be 19, so you can do whatever you want, but believe me, it's much easier to do with your family's support. It's a fantastic life experience to move to another country for a while, like for a gap year, have you considered starting with that, and seeing where it goes?

[Alle1770]

Hey there!
I think the best thing for you to do is to be completely honest and open with them. I know you're nervous about telling them, but the sooner you talk to them about it, the easier it will be.
I'm not saying it will be an easy conversation at all. It will probably be tough, with all of you upset for a bit afterwards.

But, I think, in the end, you have to do what's best for you!! If going to Argentina to be with your SO is your dream, then follow it! I know you love your family and it will be hard to leave them, but just think about what would happen if you didn't leave to be with your SO.
Sure, your family might not be too pleased with your decision, and they will probably be upset about it for awhile. But if they see that this is what you really want, I think they will stand by you because they love you and want what's best for you.

I hope my advice helped a bit! Wishing you all the best

Thanks! And than you for your advice, I'll have all of that in mind

[Alle1770]

I guess that Im in a kind of similar situation as you, though my SO doesnt live outside eu.
Im going to spend the summer in England with my SO and his family and work to get a bit of money saved and then rent a flat with him and stay for about 18 months during our gap year. Since unis are more or less free in Finland as well I will most likely return to study here, and since only 2 universities offer courses in Swedish or partly in Swedish here I will have to move anyway. This is one of the arguments you probably could use, unless you live in Stockholm or Lund i suppose.
I have involved my mum quite a lot in the planning so far, though most is still preliminary, which I think has helped.
One of the things Ive pointed out too is that we both need a breathing pause from the distance before we go to university and probably turn LD again. And there is Skype and mail and Google+ and Facebook and loads of other ways to keep contact cheaply.
Lastly, theyre your family and should want you happy. My youngest brother has been very upset that Im moving to England, but hes started to get used to the idea and since its not that expensive to fly to england he could always visit.
Lycka till!

That's one of the arguments I've been thinking about as well, and as stated earlier, I would have moved around this time even if my SO wasn't in the picture. I live about 1,5 hours from Stockholm so that is true, I would have to move anyway. I will definitely bring my mum into the planning and such once I tell them, I hadn't considered the fact that that might ease things up for her as well, being part of it all in one way or another! And, I shall tell them they'll have free housing in Argentina which should be a plus Tack!

[lucybelle]

But, what will you do about your education? I know that's not what you asked, but it's really important. For me, there's not really anything my daughter could say that would make it OK to me, if she did it before getting her schooling done.

Actually, I disagree with moon. I remember when I graduated high school my mom told me that she didn't care if I went to college or not, but if I didn't I needed to do something cool. My mom took a year off before college and lived in Spain. I think it's quite a common thing for people in Australia to do. I think as long as she's not lazing around it's perfectly AWESOME to take a gap year. Especially since she'll be learning a new language! She could very well take classes in Argentina, even if they're just Spanish classes. And at the end of the year, figure out if she wants to go to college or not. College is not for everyone.

[Alle1770]

But, what will you do about your education? I know that's not what you asked, but it's really important. For me, there's not really anything my daughter could say that would make it OK to me, if she did it before getting her schooling done. Maybe I missed something from another thread about it, though. If so, apologies Being a parent, it always hurts when your kids move, but if we think they're mature enough and have a solid foundation already, most of us just accept it as a normal, if painful-ish, part of life. Make very sure you have good, solid, sensible plans to tell them about, or they aren't going to approve. You will be 19, so you can do whatever you want, but believe me, it's much easier to do with your family's support. It's a fantastic life experience to move to another country for a while, like for a gap year, have you considered starting with that, and seeing where it goes?

I'm sorry I didn't make this clear in the original post, just realized that! What I'm doing is actually a gap year, I'm tired of school and I feel that I need a break before getting into the "real" school life once more, which is why it's very fitting to go and live with my SO to get to spend some time together (and as stated earlier, even if my SO wasn't in the picture I would spend my gap year travelling anyway). I will be taking an online course in basic Law during the year, and then next summer take the final exam which, if I get a good grade on it, will be a ticket into Law School. So this whole thing is really a gap year, I'm graduating High School in a little over a month and will take a break from school for the next year Thank you for your input, I'll make sure I'll tell them everything and include them in planning and such, and hopefully it'll be easier on them. Thanks once again!

[digitalfever]

I don't really think you need an argument I think you need a clear plan that answers all the questions a concerned paren would want to know:

1. Money: how much do you have? How will you sustain yourself? Do you have savings? Do you have an emergency fund? What happens if you can't get a job?

2. Education: do you plan to get one? If not, what do you plan to do? Do you understand the possible ramifications of NOT getting an education? If you do plan to get an education when will you start?

3. Safety: how will we communicate? Are you comfortable enough to contact us if something goes wrong? What if an emergency happens? Do you have insurance?

4. Living arrangements; who, what, when, where and how?

I think you need to provide them the answers to their questions and them go from there. Show that this isn't a whim and be thorough.

[Moon]

Actually, I disagree with moon. I remember when I graduated high school my mom told me that she didn't care if I went to college or not, but if I didn't I needed to do something cool. My mom took a year off before college and lived in Spain. I think it's quite a common thing for people in Australia to do. I think as long as she's not lazing around it's perfectly AWESOME to take a gap year. Especially since she'll be learning a new language! She could very well take classes in Argentina, even if they're just Spanish classes. And at the end of the year, figure out if she wants to go to college or not. College is not for everyone.

Err...ooops! I thought I was saying doing a gap year was good, but guess I conveyed it badly, sorry 'bout that!!

[Moon]

I'm sorry I didn't make this clear in the original post, just realized that! What I'm doing is actually a gap year, I'm tired of school and I feel that I need a break before getting into the "real" school life once more, which is why it's very fitting to go and live with my SO to get to spend some time together (and as stated earlier, even if my SO wasn't in the picture I would spend my gap year travelling anyway). I will be taking an online course in basic Law during the year, and then next summer take the final exam which, if I get a good grade on it, will be a ticket into Law School. So this whole thing is really a gap year, I'm graduating High School in a little over a month and will take a break from school for the next year Thank you for your input, I'll make sure I'll tell them everything and include them in planning and such, and hopefully it'll be easier on them. Thanks once again!

Ah, OK, I thought you were talking about forever. My bad I think it's a great idea then, and if you emphasize the gap year factor, and online course, your parents might be sad but they should come around. Good luck, I hope it goes well with them!

[Alle1770]

Actually, I disagree with moon. I remember when I graduated high school my mom told me that she didn't care if I went to college or not, but if I didn't I needed to do something cool. My mom took a year off before college and lived in Spain. I think it's quite a common thing for people in Australia to do. I think as long as she's not lazing around it's perfectly AWESOME to take a gap year. Especially since she'll be learning a new language! She could very well take classes in Argentina, even if they're just Spanish classes. And at the end of the year, figure out if she wants to go to college or not. College is not for everyone.

Haha yeah, that's what's been on my mind as well - if I'm taking the year off I'll at least not spend it at home in front of the computer It's very common to take a year off in between here as well, hence, that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully it'll improve my Spanish a lot, and I might even start an Argentinian college next year if I feel like I can handle the language and want to get back into studying since the education is free (even for foreigners, or so I've been told at least). We'll just see what happens on that front, for now, taking the year off to try and figure out what I want I will also make sure I take a trip to CR!

[Alle1770]

I don't really think you need an argument I think you need a clear plan that answers all the questions a concerned paren would want to know:

1. Money: how much do you have? How will you sustain yourself? Do you have savings? Do you have an emergency fund? What happens if you can't get a job?

2. Education: do you plan to get one? If not, what do you plan to do? Do you understand the possible ramifications of NOT getting an education? If you do plan to get an education when will you start?

3. Safety: how will we communicate? Are you comfortable enough to contact us if something goes wrong? What if an emergency happens? Do you have insurance?

4. Living arrangements; who, what, when, where and how?

I think you need to provide them the answers to their questions and them go from there. Show that this isn't a whim and be thorough.

I think this was exactly what I needed, a list of things that might be of concern and to make sure I've got it under control and have a plan. Thank you!

[ChibiFelicia]

I agree with the gap year thing. I really wish i took a gap year but the parents insisted i got my degree and masters first....well once you've got all that its hard to just take a year out and travel (i know people do it but i had other responsibilities that prevented me from leaving..one of my biggest regrets!).

[mllebamako]

First of all, I would talk to them in private (aka without your younger sister there who might start crying and make the whole thing much more dramatic ). And then you can just bring it up by talking about how you had always wanted to take a gap year and that you've decided that this is the best decision for you right now.
I agree with digitalfever, be prepared and have a plan so that you can address any of their concerns. It may be tough for them to hear at first, but they'll get used to the idea and hopefully will be supportive over time. Reassure them of how you'll stay in contact and the visits you are planning on making home to see them.

My parents are very understanding and supportive but they still do have their moments where they unintentionally lay some serious guilt on me for living so far away. I always just say that it makes me sad to be so far away too but that this is what I need to do in my life right now and that it's really important to me to be here.

Good luck!