I'm so angry right now- exagerating?

[Kiyama]

Another rant about our communication issues. What else is new.

The last few days he hasn't checked his whatsapp at all so he received none of my messages. We still talked on Skype so I was ok with it.
Then he skipped a phone date because he fell asleep. I got up at 5.30, 20 minutes earlier than I have to. It's already an inhuman time to get up and then it was for nothing. For him it was 8.30 pm. Yet he couldn't manage to stay awake. I was still ok because well it can happen.
Then we said we'd talk again tonight. I tried to call him in the morning because I felt really sad and the distance was getting to me real bad. I tried Skype, both his phones and messages. Nothing. He was going to call me after he woke up.. And he didn't. I went home from a coffee with friends early to be there when he called and he just doesn't and if work got in between again, can't I expect at least a message that says sorry??
Especially after I tried so hard to reach him this morning and he must have seen that? What if something happened and I can't reach him? Why does he ignore my calls and messages? And I know that he checked his whatsapp a few hours ago and saw my messages. And again, no reply.
I hope you don't think that I'm being needy. I don't usually flood him with calls and messages. We have our scheduled dates but there are days it is so messed up.
And feel this boiling anger in me that made me send stupid messages (yeah even more than I already have haha) after he didn't reply earlier.

So am I completely out of line here? I know I have some overboiling emotions now and then I feel neglected and ignored right now and he knows it and apparently doesn't care a bit to at least send a quick message to comfort me?

Ok I'll stop here. Please give me some advice here before I freak out even more over this

[dragonlady]

i think you have every right to be angry!, but i am sorry to say i can give you any advice on this besides giving him a text that you feel neglected and that you are pretty pised of!

[Black_Halloween]

Has his work been more demanding than usual lately? Any changes that could cause him to fall asleep without calling you?

[Kiyama]

Has his work been more demanding than usual lately? Any changes that could cause him to fall asleep without calling you?

Not really. The usual crap... He is stuck with a horrible job that's for sure though.

[Black_Halloween]

Not really. The usual crap... He is stuck with a horrible job that's for sure though.

Maybe he's feeling depressed because of his job and its normal for people who feel down to want to sleep more. Maybe kindly ask him whats wrong? Have your messages been angry ones? Guy's tend to avoid confrontation or shut down when they're stressed too.

[Kiyama]

Yes and as I said I don't blame him for falling asleep, it can happen. It annoys me though that this morning we had a scheduled date and I don't even get a message that explains why he can't make it. My messages before that were normal and not confrontational at all.

[redapple]

From somebody doing a PhD in chemistry as well as working for a research company I get the whole when your busy its hard to keep contact up. Your tired, stressed and sometimes you just get completely swamped in work. So i get what your getting at black halloween and if most people posted this post id totally agree with you BUT I've seen posts by Kiyama before and I think the communication problem is getting out of control. He needs to up his game and stop messing you about. It's disrespectful in my mind. I don't have much advice because it really depends where you want to take your relationship but I just wanted to kind of give you a bit of reassurance that you're not being needy and you have every right to stand up for yourself and say this isn't on and it had to change. Whether or not its a big enough issue to give an ultimatum over is your call. Good luck!

[Black_Halloween]

Hm :/ All you can do really is wait, I think. Express that you're not happy about missing dates without no warning. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I'm not really sure what you can do in this situation, it seems like a series of unfortunate mishaps, rather than intentional ignoring. On the checking whatsapp and not replying thing, my SO does that a lot. Sometimes he does say "Sorry, I'm just doing X Y Z, I'll be around later", but he does just not let me know reasonably often. It's more, I think, because he'd rather wait til he knows he's free to message me and have a conversation. It's frustrating, I get where you're coming from, but if you've been scheduling times to try and avoid all the things that are happening now, it's difficult to say how to solve it.

I think you should give yourself some time to relax and calm down about it, and then (do what everyone on LFAD will suggest, :P) talk to him about it. If what you're doing isn't working, set up some rules to get it working in a way you'd find more effective for you both. I think all you can really do is make it clear what you would like him to do in these situations, when they do arise, because as you've said, these things do happen. That way, even when the frustrating things happen, his behaviour when it happens doesn't add to your frustration.

[Kiyama]

He still hasn't been in touch. Now he's giving me the silence treatment. He has done that repeatedly, despite whatever I said afterwards.

I think you should give yourself some time to relax and calm down about it, and then (do what everyone on LFAD will suggest, :P) talk to him about it. If what you're doing isn't working, set up some rules to get it working in a way you'd find more effective for you both

We did sit down and talked about how to handle such situations and I told him I find it highly disrespectful to "play" unavailable because that's what he does. It's incredibly unfair in my opinion because I can't just go over there and discuss it but I'm dependent on him answering the phone or Skype and he chooses not to.
We set up the rule that even if he was mad for some reason and needed space, he would have to send me a message and let me know that he doesn't want to talk right now. Instead he's playing the same game again and again and this is something I can't live with. It drives me insane

I don't have much advice because it really depends where you want to take your relationship but I just wanted to kind of give you a bit of reassurance that you're not being needy and you have every right to stand up for yourself and say this isn't on and it had to change. Whether or not its a big enough issue to give an ultimatum over is your call. Good luck!

Thank you for the reassurance. I don't know what to think or do. I texted a friend last night and she told me she doesn't know what to say anymore, which shocked me because I realised how often I had written her and told her about a similar issue
My SO can be incredibly wonderful. When I had my exam day a week ago, he called me in the morning, on between the exams and at the end of the day to ask how it went and to comfort me and be there. But then he has these "outages" and he behaves like a jerk and I doubt this relationship can go anywhere.
I told myself I would give us until the end of summer to see if anything comes up on the job market before I reevaluate the relationship. The distance is hard and his job sucks but at then same time I can't go on like this with reaccuring communication issues because obviously it won't get any better so all my hopes can be that once he has a different job and we are cd, things will be different.

[Jazi]

The distance is hard and his job sucks but at then same time I can't go on like this with reaccuring communication issues because obviously it won't get any better so all my hopes can be that once he has a different job and we are cd, things will be different.

Just wanted to say that he can find ways to make himself completely unavailable too when you guys are CD. It sounds like this is his personality and the way he chooses to approach things at this point.. you have tried to talk to him about it and resolve the situation somewhat but he is CHOOSING this.. You need to decide if you can live with this kind of behavior/his sporadic lack of communication.. He probably won't change at this point and you'll be banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to improve.

So, can you live with this? if not.. it's time to reassess now.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I think Jazi's hit the nail on the head. I'm sorry that this isn't a quick fix, it sounds like you've tried everything you can to come to a compromise on this problem and he's just ignoring your wishes right now.

[Irina_Linn]

i think i can relate to your SO.when my boyfriend insists on talking and chatting and i am not in the mood,i just disappear.it seems annoying for me,to receive 10000 messages saying where are you etc.no offense here,i am just giving my perspective but probably your SO can feel kinda same thing.it doesnt mean he feels different towards you,he just wants some space for a little bit of time.
well that was my opinion so it doesnt have to be the right one

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with Jazi. It doesn't matter what's going on,whether he wants to talk or not etc. He still owes you the respect of telling you what's going on. Even if it is just to say,"Hey babe,I love you but I kinda need some time to myself/I'm busy/family stuff etc.,can we talk later/another time?" I understand life,work,family etc. gets in the way and sometimes people don't feel like talking,but that doesn't mean just up and stop communicating with your SO. It sounds like you've tried and that's all you can really do. If he doesn't start working on trying to communicate with you better,I'd reassess the relationship.

[JoeyBug]

Another who agrees with what Jazi said. My SO sometimes is unavailable without explanation, but it doesn't bother me because he never misses a weekend to chat if he can and if he can't, he gives me a reason either the previous time we chatted if he knew of through text.

I don't know if CD is going to make things different for you and I worry about you moving somewhere for someone who does this frequently...