Honeymoon Period Over or Something more Serious?

[jonzy85]

Folks, I posted on here about a month ago after a visit to my gf that didn't go too well and got some good advice.

To summarise, it was about the 6/7 month stage and it felt like the spark was gone. Now I realise that this is the end of the honeymoon period and the lovey dovey stuff doesnt last forever. We talked about things before I left and I was feeling better about things when I got home.

However, I have found things tough since then. She has started working, which is fairly gruelling for 7 days on, but then she gets 7 off. Since then we have been talking and messaging a lot less. This was something we talked about last time, as we both said we found it tough to talk to each other about nothing all the time, so I'm not overly concerned about this. I do get a feeling that she finds it something of a chore to message me these days. There isn't anything specific, but just small things that make we wonder if she really wants to talk to me. She also never says she loves me or misses me any more. I put up some photos of us on facebook, which she untagged herself from. It was recently a year to the day we had first met and I sent her a message about this and her response was pretty cold to some other question i made in the message...these are all very small, pretty insignificant things to me, but cumulatively they make me worry.

On the other hand, she has been talking about booking flights to see me next month when she knows what holidays she will get. So I'm finding it hard to understand where she is at. I'm trying not to be all needy, but it seems like things I would have done without a second thought a few weeks ago, now fall into this bracket. For the last few weeks it hasn't felt like I have been in a relationship. I thought I was dealing with the distance pretty well before when I was sure she loved me, but now these doubts are creeping in and I'm finding it tough.

I'm debating whether to talk to her about these things. On the one hand, I feel that of course I should, if something is not making me happy should be able to talk to my girlfriend about it. On the other, is it going to push her further away, making her think I am this insecure needy mess, who needs her constant affirmation?

Are these things normal at this stage in a LDR (or any relationship)? I have never been so serious about someone before and she said it's the same for her.

Thanks

[Ahava]

I think, as you said, you should be able to talk to your girlfriend about any concerns. Otherwise if you are not able to talk with her (practically about everything) what's the point in the relationship?
It sounds like you don't feel comfortable and trusting around her. I think you need to talk with each other and figure things out.

I don't think this is normal: "I do get a feeling that she finds it something of a chore to message me these days."

She should feel like you are her closest person in the world and want to tell you everything important first hand.
Conversations can be a little boring sometimes (especially if you are tired) and I think it's normal, but if it's like that all the time, it sounds like a problem.

Maybe there is something going on in her life that she hasn't told you about? Stress, worries, depression...?

[Verojoon]

You definitely need to talk to her. It doesn't necessarily make you needy, that part depends on how you approach it... You should be able to lay it out for her the way you have for us, and state facts and ask her her feelings about it. If it does push her away further then there is something wrong and you two may need to take a break or discuss some way of overcoming this.

Like the previous poster stated, there could be many reasons for how she's acting, but I don't think it's simply a case of the honeymoon period being over. She may have a perfectly valid explanation for everything, but you can't know if you don't talk about it. You're not doing either of you any favors by pretending the problems aren't there...

It may take one conversation, or it may take a few... she may not even know what is bothering her until you have a chance to talk it out a few times.

[CTgirl727]

I can relate to you a lot! I feel the same way towards my boyfried about the honeymoon stage being over, ad the fact that we are in a ldr does not help. Once you go out for a while, everything that seemed exciting and new kind of becomes regular and routine. So if you think your gf doesn't love you; it's not that. She's talking about flights which is good! Not bein able to see her everyday or at least a few times a week can be tough, ESP with her working. My boyfriend recently got a job and he works a lot and to be honest I get so hurt when I have to go a long time without talking. Getting used to this phase is an adjustment- something i am still learning and we've been going out for 9 months! Hang in there and if you ever need someone to talk to I am here!

[jonzy85]

Thanks for the replies.

On the one hand I agree that the fact I don't know if it's the best thing to talk to her about all this stuff, is not a good thing. We used to talk and message pretty much everyday, which I dont feel the need to do either. But it's been over 2 weeks since we have skyped, which is more a reflection on how busy we both are. At the same time, she is saying she might be able to skype over the next day or 2, but isn't sure. Again, I don't to come across as needy, but I do feel there comes a point, when I have to wonder, does she really care about me, the way she said she did a month ago. I'm starting to feel like i'm not in a relationship, not single, just in limbo.

On the other hand, she is talking about booking flights, maybe I'm reading way too much into everything and it is just an adjustment period. This just the relationship normalising but I'm still pining for the honeymoon days? I am afraid that if I do start bringing these things up, she will think I can never move on from the honeymoon period, when in reality I just want assurances that this is just the end of the honeymoon period and not the relationship. It feels like a difficult one to approach her on...

[Jazi]

Thanks for the replies.

On the one hand I agree that the fact I don't know if it's the best thing to talk to her about all this stuff, is not a good thing. We used to talk and message pretty much everyday, which I dont feel the need to do either. But it's been over 2 weeks since we have skyped, which is more a reflection on how busy we both are. At the same time, she is saying she might be able to skype over the next day or 2, but isn't sure. Again, I don't to come across as needy, but I do feel there comes a point, when I have to wonder, does she really care about me, the way she said she did a month ago. I'm starting to feel like i'm not in a relationship, not single, just in limbo.

On the other hand, she is talking about booking flights, maybe I'm reading way too much into everything and it is just an adjustment period. This just the relationship normalising but I'm still pining for the honeymoon days? I am afraid that if I do start bringing these things up, she will think I can never move on from the honeymoon period, when in reality I just want assurances that this is just the end of the honeymoon period and not the relationship. It feels like a difficult one to approach her on...

well it could be the end of the "honeymoon period" coupled with the distance being hard on her. I know sometimes I have some strange coping mechanisms to handle the distance - sometimes I end up pushing my SO or not showing affection whilst we are LD because it's just too hard and painful to face the fact that I want to be affectionate physically and I can't.. Sometimes it seems easier to push it all to the side and ignore it.. Maybe she is having a similar kind of reaction? I say it might be this because she is still talking about planning a visit - I don't think she would do that unless she wanted to be with you.

[ZenZeta]

I TOTALLY understand where you are regarding talking and not appearing needy. I just went through something similar and realized that I was driving myself crazy speculating about the "what if's" or wondering what something means. Like others have said, it's best to go ahead and have that uncomfortable conversation. Honesty and communication are critical in any relationship, but even more in a LDR.

It may not be a case of the "honeymoon" phase being over. It seems like life is just happening. Your SO may find it hard to adjust to the new work schedule and her lack of enthusiasm may just be a matter of her being tired. You're not going to know for sure until you ask.

Maybe start the conversation by asking her how things are going with work (maybe interject that you understand that the new work schedule may be challenge). Remind her that you love her and tell her you miss her (or I miss us). Give her a chance to say what's on her mind, and if everything turns out to be OK try working out a communication schedule.

I dunno... it just seems like she wouldn't be excited about booking flights if the honeymoon phase was over. Good luck!!

[libelle]

I think you are going too hard on yourself... Yes her work is hard and the distance doesn't forgive to anyone, but I don't think her untagging herself from sweet posts you make, or not saying she loves or misses you can be considered small or insigniddicant ... After all for a relationship to work two are needed, and it seems you are putting so much effort and she does nothing about it ... No one deserves such treatment. She should be your biggest support as well you - hers through the hard times. I can't imagine not seeing my SO every day on skype, let alone for two weeks. I know you said its more due to busyness, but I don't think either of you should get used to that schedule, or accept it as something normal. When there is the desire, there is always a way, I believe. A conversation is needed and don't be afraid to ask her why she has been acting like that, demand some explanation. Just be fair to yourself.

[jonzy85]

Jazi: I don't think this is the case. We are both fairly self reliant people. At first, we handled the distance quite well, the key being that we were secure in the knowledge that we both loved each other and were committed to the relationship. Maybe she still is, she told me she was last month before I left. 2 weeks ago she was talking about booking flights when she knew what holidays she could take. But other than that, I have nothing positive to take from our "relationship" at the moment.

Zenzeta: We have talked about the things you have mentioned regarding communication. But it always is me putting in the effort, initiating conversations etc.

Libelle: I agree with you to an extent. I think people have different relationships. Neither of us would feel the need to see each other on skype every day.

This is where my problem comes from...she is making me feel like I am some needy, attention-craving guy, which I amn't at all. If we only had one meaningful conversation a week, where I felt like she still loved and cared for me, that would be fine. But it's been weeks since I have felt like that. My problem is that I feel like if I tell her this, she will feel obliged to say certain things to me and it wouldn't be genuine. It's like I want her to figure it out for herself, then she can decide if she wants to make the effort (which I feel is a very small one) or be honest and admit it is over.

[Jazi]

Jazi: I don't think this is the case. We are both fairly self reliant people. At first, we handled the distance quite well, the key being that we were secure in the knowledge that we both loved each other and were committed to the relationship. Maybe she still is, she told me she was last month before I left. 2 weeks ago she was talking about booking flights when she knew what holidays she could take. But other than that, I have nothing positive to take from our "relationship" at the moment.

I'm not disagreeing with this - I am in a secure and loving relationship, I have complete trust in our commitment to each other and our dedication to be together.. BUT people have some crazy ways of coping with things, even the most self reliant person could struggle with being away from the person they love and being unable to touch them, regardless of the fact that she was good with it in the beginning - things change, and from my experience and what I've noticed it gets HARDER to be apart from each other the longer you are together.

I understand that you guys are on the same page about not needing to Skype everyday but you did say this - "I do get a feeling that she finds it something of a chore to message me these days. There isn't anything specific, but just small things that make we wonder if she really wants to talk to me. She also never says she loves me or misses me any more" - these things are what made me suggest that it might be a coping mechanism, ESPECIALLY because she is still discussing booking a visit.. why would she want to take time out of her life/spend money to see you if she wasn't interested in the relationship?

Sometimes I untag myself from facebook photos because I think I look bad in them - it's nothing against the person who tagged me/i'm in the picture with... either that or she is self-conscious about having pictures of her relationship on facebook - sometimes people get judgemental about LDRs and usually Facebook is a place where you have lots of random people you know, not necessarily people you want to know every detail of your life, especially if she feels self conscious about the fact that she is in an LDR..

I think you're adding a few different things together and making it one big problem, whereas it sounds like it is a few different minor issues that happen to coincide.

Of course EVERYTHING I'm/everyone one else saying is just speculation, the only person who can tell you what is going on is your girlfriend.

[jonzy85]

Jazi you speak a lot of sense

I think it all boils down to me feeling a little unsure of the relationship since the last visit. As I said, it didn't go too well, which she put down to honeymoon period being over. But there was also a bit of a change regarding what our plans in the future may be. I think all of this is making me read into every little thing in way I wouldn't have before. It's like I have two sides of my brain arguing, one side thinks there are alarm bells going everytime she does or doesn't do something to make me think she still cares. The other side is saying cop on, she has just started a hectic work schedule and it is going to take time to adjust to this.

I'm not sure which side, if either is right. Of course I need to talk to her about it and I will soon. I am just worried about being able to get it across without coming across as a "why don't you love me?" Diva type!!!!

[JoeyBug]

Sometimes I untag myself from facebook photos because I think I look bad in them - it's nothing against the person who tagged me/i'm in the picture with... either that or she is self-conscious about having pictures of her relationship on facebook - sometimes people get judgemental about LDRs and usually Facebook is a place where you have lots of random people you know, not necessarily people you want to know every detail of your life, especially if she feels self conscious about the fact that she is in an LDR..

^^ this, I do this too and so does my SO, he doesn't like having his relationship stuff all over FB, he's quite a private person. I am secure in the knowledge of that because we've discussed it. It's not that he doesn't love me or is ashamed or whatever, it's because he doesn't like it. I post pictures, but he asks me to either untag him or not tag him at all and I'm find with that. He doesn't know all of my friends on FB and I the same for him, it's just part of how some people are, they don't want it all over FB, they prefer to keep it private and that could be the case with you're girlfriend.

Either way, I hope things get sorted soon

[jonzy85]

I know what you mean about FB, but up until a few weeks ago, she had a pic of the 2 of us as her profile pic. We have both put photos of us together up in the past and there has been no issue.

Like I said previously, this in itself is no big deal to me. But putting these little things together is making me think there is a problem.