Need advice or help..

[sinneroid]

Drop her the occasional message saying "hey, thinking of you. I love you. I'm here for you." Other than that, let her come to you. It's a conflicting time and I wouldn't expect anyone who's never lost someone close to completely understand, but you need to let her deal with the range of emotions (or even lack of emotions) she's going through right now. Maybe you could put some of your energy into researching grief? Contacting grief support groups in your area and asking how you can be of help to her? etc.

How often should I send her a message? once a day or once a week? I don't know how to help her.. She said before when we are still okay that she broke up with her ex because she lost her feelings for him. I'm afraid i might end up the same if this continue for long..

[Hollandia]

I don't wish to sound like the ever knowing one of all this just because I have lost a parent. I can only say that there is no easy answer to your questions. It can take a few weeks, months or years. When to text her? I don't know. Do it once a week after last contact and see how she reacts .If she ignores you. Leave her be. Sorry, but wait about a month after that and tell her you still love her and are there for her still.

I would say after a month of no contact you have to decide if you are willing to put your life on hold for her. In the meanwhile find things to fill your time so that you are not always thinking of her. She is going to need time. I think if she does not respond after a month, she has really already given you her answer. I did not blow off people for weeks at a time after dad died. I just told them to give me space or cried on their shoulders. I felt regardless of my grief, ignoring somebody for a month is just rude.

Her ex and her relationship should have nothing to do with this. If you really love someone you want to be with them. If she is in pain that is another thing. These feel like two totally different matters. Do you think you are you reading something else into that or is there more going on? How long ago was it that her dad died and was it while she was still with ex or after when she was with you?

[ThePiedPiper]

How often should I send her a message? once a day or once a week? I don't know how to help her.. She said before when we are still okay that she broke up with her ex because she lost her feelings for him. I'm afraid i might end up the same if this continue for long..

I'm going to be brutally honest. You need to stop thinking about you. You need to stop thinking about your relationship. I was in your shoes a year and a half ago, and it was a bitter pill to swallow when I realised how horribly selfish I was to be considering the future of my relationship and whether or not we were really over and how to be there for him when he broke up with me and I still loved him etc. when he had lost his mother. Your girlfriend has just lost her father. Whether or not they were close, he was her parent, and the better their relationship was, the harder this is going to be and I'd say the same thing for if their relationship was strained. Have you ever lost anything you loved? Even a pet? Try imagine losing your girlfriend and amplify it by a thousand and you still won't come close to what she's going through. And as a result, you need to stop thinking about you. You need to stop thinking about your relationship. You need to stop being scared that giving her space will mean your relationship goes to bits because none of this - at all - is about you. And you need to get that and actually accept it before this relationship is going to work. I can't tell you how often you should text her. I texted my ex every day to remind him I loved him and that I was there. I got a response maybe once every few days and sometimes not even in a week. But I stopped caring about me and focused on him and his needs and what he needed from me because I vowed to be there for him through his mother's unexpected death. You're either in or you're out. It isn't romantic. It isn't beautiful. It isn't like Hollywood where the partner is relied upon and used as a rock and then in the end, they get married. Death is ugly. Being in a relationship with someone who is grieving is ugly and hard and sometimes disastrous, because at least for a while, you have to stop thinking about you. You have to give up on you. You have to push down your own needs and forget what it's like to be loved because at this point, she might not even remember what living even feels like. You need to take care of yourself, yes, certainly, but you can't do it by relying on her to reassure you and make you feel special and like a boyfriend. You just can't. She can't give you that right now. :/ Being in a relationship with someone who's grieving means being in a one-sided relationship until the worst of the grief passes. That's just how it is.

[sinneroid]

I don't wish to sound like the ever knowing one of all this just because I have lost a parent. I can only say that there is no easy answer to your questions. It can take a few weeks, months or years. When to text her? I don't know. Do it once a week after last contact and see how she reacts .If she ignores you. Leave her be. Sorry, but wait about a month after that and tell her you still love her and are there for her still.

After this point you have to decide if you are willing to put your life on hold for her. In the meanwhile find things to fill your time so that you are not always thinking of her. She is going to need time. I think if she does not respond after a month, she has really already given you her answer.

thank you.. I'll wait then.. hopefully

[Tooki]

thank you.. I'll wait then.. hopefully

My GF lost her mother a few years ago and it still affects her occasionally.

Let your GF have as much space as she needs. Do not force yourself onto her. Do not feel like you have to help her.

Let her come to you when she needs it. As TPP said, send her a reminder that you're there for her every now and then. Get on with your own life. She still loves you but she has more important and pressing things going on in her life right now.

[Hollandia]

I'm going to be brutally honest. You need to stop thinking about you. You need to stop thinking about your relationship. I was in your shoes a year and a half ago, and it was a bitter pill to swallow when I realised how horribly selfish I was to be considering the future of my relationship and whether or not we were really over and how to be there for him when he broke up with me and I still loved him etc. when he had lost his mother. Your girlfriend has just lost her father. Whether or not they were close, he was her parent, and the better their relationship was, the harder this is going to be and I'd say the same thing for if their relationship was strained. Have you ever lost anything you loved? Even a pet? Try imagine losing your girlfriend and amplify it by a thousand and you still won't come close to what she's going through. And as a result, you need to stop thinking about you. You need to stop thinking about your relationship. You need to stop being scared that giving her space will mean your relationship goes to bits because none of this - at all - is about you. And you need to get that and actually accept it before this relationship is going to work. I can't tell you how often you should text her. I texted my ex every day to remind him I loved him and that I was there. I got a response maybe once every few days and sometimes not even in a week. But I stopped caring about me and focused on him and his needs and what he needed from me because I vowed to be there for him through his mother's unexpected death. You're either in or you're out. It isn't romantic. It isn't beautiful. It isn't like Hollywood where the partner is relied upon and used as a rock and then in the end, they get married. Death is ugly. Being in a relationship with someone who is grieving is ugly and hard and sometimes disastrous, because at least for a while, you have to stop thinking about you. You have to give up on you. You have to push down your own needs and forget what it's like to be loved because at this point, she might not even remember what living even feels like. You need to take care of yourself, yes, certainly, but you can't do it by relying on her to reassure you and make you feel special and like a boyfriend. You just can't. She can't give you that right now. :/ Being in a relationship with someone who's grieving means being in a one-sided relationship until the worst of the grief passes. That's just how it is.

Death IS just ugly for us left behind. They are just GONE. Whether or not you believe they are in Heaven or not , they are gone to you.

To put it this way. I used to come home everyday and expect something in my house to be fixed. Dad would come here and fix a door, or a cabinet or squeaky window. He just was always there. After I lost him, that was just gone. I would come home afterwards and just cry.

For a bit nothing else mattered. Not my ex, not my friends, not my family, not my job. Not even my mom. I just was devastated.

You guys have been going out for a month and it is long distance. If you really care, leave her alone. You tell her I am here when you want me and then you wait. Maybe one more time you say I am still here. TBH, for some, it does not matter, I tuned out all my closest people. I knew they loved me and wanted to help. I did not care. I was not trying to be mean or selfish I just did not care. All I cared about was my Daddy was gone. I cannot really explain it more than my point of view. I was robbed of my rock in my life. After one month I am sorry you were most likely not her rock in her life.

You are in a very difficult situation and I don't envy you. I hope that you are able to move forward and be there for her by giving her space and taking care of yourself by still living your life.

[ThePiedPiper]

Death IS just ugly for us left behind. They are just GONE. Whether or not you believe they are in Heaven or not , they are gone to you.

To put it this way. I used to come home everyday and expect something in my house to be fixed. Dad would come here and fix a door, or a cabinet or squeaky window. He just was always there. After I lost him, that was just gone. I would come home afterwards and just cry.

For a bit nothing else mattered. Not my ex, not my friends, not my family, not my job. Not even my mom. I just was devastated.

You guys have been going out for a month and it is long distance. If you really care, leave her alone. You tell her I am here when you want me and then you wait. Maybe one more time you say I am still here. TBH, for some, it does not matter, I tuned out all my closest people. I knew they loved me and wanted to help. I did not care. I was not trying to be mean or selfish I just did not care. All I cared about was my Daddy was gone. I cannot really explain it more than my point of view. I was robbed of my rock in my life. After one month I am sorry you were most likely not her rock in her life.

You are in a very difficult situation and I don't envy you. I hope that you are able to move forward and be there for her by giving her space and taking care of yourself by still living your life.

All of this.

[Black_Halloween]

I'm going to be brutally honest. You need to stop thinking about you. You need to stop thinking about your relationship. I was in your shoes a year and a half ago, and it was a bitter pill to swallow when I realised how horribly selfish I was to be considering the future of my relationship and whether or not we were really over and how to be there for him when he broke up with me and I still loved him etc. when he had lost his mother. Your girlfriend has just lost her father. Whether or not they were close, he was her parent, and the better their relationship was, the harder this is going to be and I'd say the same thing for if their relationship was strained. Have you ever lost anything you loved? Even a pet? Try imagine losing your girlfriend and amplify it by a thousand and you still won't come close to what she's going through. And as a result, you need to stop thinking about you. You need to stop thinking about your relationship. You need to stop being scared that giving her space will mean your relationship goes to bits because none of this - at all - is about you. And you need to get that and actually accept it before this relationship is going to work. I can't tell you how often you should text her. I texted my ex every day to remind him I loved him and that I was there. I got a response maybe once every few days and sometimes not even in a week. But I stopped caring about me and focused on him and his needs and what he needed from me because I vowed to be there for him through his mother's unexpected death. You're either in or you're out. It isn't romantic. It isn't beautiful. It isn't like Hollywood where the partner is relied upon and used as a rock and then in the end, they get married. Death is ugly. Being in a relationship with someone who is grieving is ugly and hard and sometimes disastrous, because at least for a while, you have to stop thinking about you. You have to give up on you. You have to push down your own needs and forget what it's like to be loved because at this point, she might not even remember what living even feels like. You need to take care of yourself, yes, certainly, but you can't do it by relying on her to reassure you and make you feel special and like a boyfriend. You just can't. She can't give you that right now. :/ Being in a relationship with someone who's grieving means being in a one-sided relationship until the worst of the grief passes. That's just how it is.

This, all of this. You need to stop thinking about yourself and your relationship for a change and think about HER and the massive amount of pain shes going through. She needs SPACE right now and you're going to smother her if you don't stop.

[LadyDaemon]

Lately because of what is happening with my own grandfather I've tried not touching anything having to do with the subject of death. However,I am going to touch this. Back off and let her be. As Hollandia said,everyone deals with grief differently. Some people are very emotional where others are emotionless. I went through about 10 days of not knowing whether or not I was going to lose my grandfather. It was so touch n go and at one point when they thought it was his last minutes on this earth,they did his last rights. I still don't know if I'm going to lose him. But for that whole 10 days I was a effing wreck. I was crying one moment and then bitter and angry the next. My fiance got on just to let me know he was there for me,but he didn't push me and he let me talk to him on my own when I was ready. You need to do the same. Staying on top of her and pestering her about the standing on your relationship instead of just being there for her and supporting her is going to make her want to leave you. Send her a text once a week just to let her know you're there and thinking of her. That's all you need to do. Outside of that just leave it be. You're not doing her or yourself any favors by thinking only of yourself and your need for validation from her of her feelings for you. Put it to the side for now and just let it go and be there when she calls for you.

[sinneroid]

sorry for being selfish.. I'm not texting her anymore.. maybe I'll wait a week like you said before sending her another one.. I'll wait for her.

[Hollandia]

sorry for being selfish.. I'm not texting her anymore.. maybe I'll wait a week like you said before sending her another one.. I'll wait for her.

We are all just human, but please remember two suggestions.
1. Make yourself busy and fill your time so that you are not dwelling on it and tempted to push her.
2. Stick around here, there are plenty of people that can offer you advice, conversation and friendship or just an ear if you want.

[sinneroid]

We are all just human, but please remember two suggestions.
1. Make yourself busy and fill your time so that you are not dwelling on it and tempted to push her.
2. Stick around here, there are plenty of people that can offer you advice, conversation and friendship or just an ear if you want.

It's about one week now we haven't any communication.. and our 2nd monthsary is about two weeks from now.
if that time came should I visit her or just continue like this?

[Hollandia]

It's about one week now we haven't any communication.. and our 2nd monthsary is about two weeks from now.
if that time came should I visit her or just continue like this?

I don't want to be rude but I did not celebrate Christmas the year my Dad died, or Easter or my own birthday. A BF for for less than 2 months is not going to matter to her. I think you should leave her alone. If she wants to, she will contact you. It has been one week only and you are thinking of contacting her again. This is a milestone that means something to you only right now. You really need to stop thinking about contacting her. You need to let it go until she tells you she is ready for contact.

[digitalfever]

It's about one week now we haven't any communication.. and our 2nd monthsary is about two weeks from now.
if that time came should I visit her or just continue like this?

I think your being very possessive and needy in a time when nothing is about you. The question you should ask is "How can I be there for my SO when they come too me?" Or "What could I do to ensure my SO is OK without invading their space?" Instead your slaking about a two month anniversary.

I don't think that it will be important to her. Which is OK, big things have happened in their life and even bigger emotional changes and developments are taking place. She needs support not intrusions. I would reasses your priorities in this situation and try to help her in a more constructive rather than imposing way.

So you don't celebrate your 2nd month of being together? What's the worst thing that could happen? I dunno but I'm pretty sure it'll just be that you don't celebrate your two month anniversary.

In other words, reframe yourself.

[LadyDaemon]

It's about one week now we haven't any communication.. and our 2nd monthsary is about two weeks from now.
if that time came should I visit her or just continue like this?

Look,you've only been with the girl for almost 2 months. You're being clingy. Leave the girl alone so she can grieve in peace. The last thing on her mind is a barely 2 month old relationship with a guy who won't leave her alone for 5 min. to grieve over a loss. She will talk to you when she is ready and if she wants to. She however isn't going to if you keep pushing her. There's a little thing you need to exercise called self-restraint. Leave her be.