My Girlfriend Doesn't Want Me Around Or To Talk To Her Friends And Family..

[AaronH]

My Girlfriend said to me a few nights ago "I don't want you talking to my family or friends".
Where I replied "How come? Are you ashamed of me?" Her answer was "No, It's juts an inconvenience"

What does this mean?
Does she have something to hide?

This all came about because one night last week she was going out to a Theater and said she would text at 8:00pm in the interval, She didn't.
9:00, 10:00, 11:00 still nothing.. Obviously at this point i'm understandably getting super worried. So I texted her sister asking if everything was okay. The sister replied.
In the morning my girlfriend had a massive go an all hell broke loose.

Another incident like this last year there was some talking going around Facebook that she was getting bullied and she was upset. Again obviously I don't go to her school and again I was concerned for her and upset myself (Like any boyfriend would)
So I asked her and she said "everything was fine", But I could tell they wasn't. Couple days past and I asked her again "Are you sure everything's okay". Nothing.
So I messaged her best friend "Hey is everything okay with.. * I understand she has had some problems at school?"
Again her friend reply and told me the truth.

I am really concerned why she does things like this, These are only two there are many more over our relationship. She is the Worst for opening up to me and keeping in contact.
She Always makes me tell her literally Everything and keep in touch. (I have to text every other hour when i'm out) but this doesn't bother me if it helps her know I'm okay, then I'd do anything.
But whenever I ask her to keep in touch she say's "Can't busy" "Sorry forgot" or bluntly "Just couldn't"
If I ever missed an arranged text time (such at the theater) I would never live it down, but she does it a hell of a lot.

I understand the fact she may think talking to her Friends and Family is going behind her back, and I always tell her "If you ever need to talk I'm here" and she always say "If there's anything Ill say"

Its like she can break the relationship and I can't - She can do things and I can't
But if I ever said that she has the tenancy of "blowing up"

I'm just confused about this whole thing, Can anyone help?

[aniay]

You didn't say how old is she. I assume she's close to your age.

Not knowing her I can't really give any label to her behaviour.
I can only advice you to not try to understand her, or assume anything. Ask her why is she acting like that and tell her how YOU feel when she acts like that.

She might not know why she acts like that though YOU have to decide if you want to put up with it or not. Don't let her make all the rules, make some yourself.

Talk, talk and more talk is the best solution to most problems.

Good luck

[Jazi]

BEFORE I read the part about her having double-standards.. I was honestly thinking that you were acting like her parent - checking up with her sister when your girlfriend doesn't message you.. approaching her friend to find out the private issues that are going on. I COMPLETELY understand her not wanting you to do this - it's annoying.. and it's up to her to tell you those things, not for you to go looking for answers from her family/friends. I think you need to back off and give her the space to tell you/sort those issues out with a conversation between the two of you AND STOP running off to other people for the answers.

A part from you acting like a parent.. I think everything else just requires a conversation, she is being a hypocrite.. obviously if you say that to her she will get angry.. but explain it calmly that you don't feel ok/that its fair that it's different rules for her as to what it is for you.. All you can do is talk about it.

[JoeyBug]

BEFORE I read the part about her having double-standards.. I was honestly thinking that you were acting like her parent - checking up with her sister when your girlfriend doesn't message you.. approaching her friend to find out the private issues that are going on. I COMPLETELY understand her not wanting you to do this - it's annoying.. and it's up to her to tell you those things, not for you to go looking for answers from her family/friends. I think you need to back off and give her the space to tell you/sort those issues out with a conversation between the two of you AND STOP running off to other people for the answers.

A part from you acting like a parent.. I think everything else just requires a conversation, she is being a hypocrite.. obviously if you say that to her she will get angry.. but explain it calmly that you don't feel ok/that its fair that it's different rules for her as to what it is for you.. All you can do is talk about it.

^^ Jazi is right (that's twice I've done this now) I know from experience that it would annoy me totally if I chose not to tell my SO something and he went to my friends or relatives. I also think that conversations about what you BOTH want need to happen, if you can't reach a point where you're both comfortable, you need to talk some more...

[snow]

I honestly do the same thing.
If I don't know where my boyfriend is I go and message his sister or brother-in-law since they live in the same apartment and neither him nor his family thinks that's weird or I shouldn't be doing it. I gotta say though that he doesn't just disappear, he usually tells me that he goes out and it happens very seldom that he forgets so when he does and I message his family it's okay. Do you do this often? Does she not tell you things often?

I can understand to some degree that she doesn't want you to message her friends and family - maybe she fears they could think you're too clingy? I would try to come to a compromise though, say.. if she's gone for a longer time (a day, a couple days, a week?) that you can then message her family/friends, but not if it's just that she's an hour late.. you get what I mean?

Best of luck to you!

[Black_Halloween]

I think it depends on how long you've been together, IMHO. If you just started dating its a little creepy but if you've been together for a while (6 months +) I don't see a problem with it to be honest. She told you she'd text you and after three-four hours id be getting worried too. I'm big on following through with things and not calling/texting when somebody said they would is rude to me. Its really hypocritical of her to not hold herself to the same standards she holds you on. I think that you need to sit her down and talk about it because its not right.

[LadyDaemon]

I think it depends on how long you've been together, IMHO. If you just started dating its a little creepy but if you've been together for a while (6 months +) I don't see a problem with it to be honest. She told you she'd text you and after three-four hours id be getting worried too. I'm big on following through with things and not calling/texting when somebody said they would is rude to me. Its really hypocritical of her to not hold herself to the same standards she holds you on. I think that you need to sit her down and talk about it because its not right.

This. I completely agree with BHs comment on this.

[dukes2011]

I think it depends on how long you've been together, IMHO. If you just started dating its a little creepy but if you've been together for a while (6 months +) I don't see a problem with it to be honest. She told you she'd text you and after three-four hours id be getting worried too. I'm big on following through with things and not calling/texting when somebody said they would is rude to me. Its really hypocritical of her to not hold herself to the same standards she holds you on. I think that you need to sit her down and talk about it because its not right.

Completely agree! I have more of a problem that she expects you to check in so often, but doesn't follow through when you ask her to do the same. I'd explain to her that you've only contacted family and friends out of being worried about her. If it's just wondering where a person is then fine, but I think asking about a SO's friend about a school problem is a little personal. Maybe tell her you get the feeling she's not ok and continue to reinforce that you're there for her. Sometimes I have to coax problems out of my SO if I'm really busy. He hates to worry me with a problem of his when he knows my life is at a crazy time like exam weeks, but I remind him I'm always there to listen and talk he'll open up.

[ThePiedPiper]

I would break up with anyone who sent text messages or any type of message to family and friends to "check up on me." It really would annoy me to that point and it clearly annoys her, so I disagree with people saying it isn't an issue. For some of us, it's a big one and feels like a complete invasion. And while everyone on LFAD seems to rationalize their behaviour with that they were worried, eventually that stops becoming an excuse; sometimes you have to bite the bullet and just...wait.

I would have a conversation about her hypocritical behaviour though. She has unreasonable expectations of you especially given that she herself refuses to meet them, and it's something to talk to her about changing.

[Thendsnotnear]

It could be annoying or clingy but not when she doesn't text him or contact him. That's not very nice. I personally would share problems with my so, I always tell him everything. You definitely need to talk about this situation and how it makes you feel

[rubydissolution]

If she has a history of not texting when she is supposed to why were you so concerned? At this point shouldn't you have just figured she was busy and would text you when she could? Why would you text her sister to check up on her if only a few hours had passed and you knew she was out? Honestly, you are being a little clingy here. I mean yes she definitely doing a double standard bc she expects you to do things she herself doesn't do. Like text every hour when you are out. Which is a ridiculous standard to set, simply because when we are out we don't think of these things. Signals aren't always reliable and such.

I think you need to back off and let her tell you whats wrong, rather then going to her friends. Unless you thought she was a danger to herself or others. Or she was MIA for more then a day with no contact. Even then, since they have a way of contacting you I think they would if something happened. I think if you have a relationship with her friends or her sister maybe that's a different story. And I mean like you talk to them when your girlfriend isn't around. I've had those sorta relationships with my SOs siblings.

So yea I don't think shes unfounded in making it clear you shouldn't contact her siblings or friends, I think you crossed a line.

[redapple]

A problem I've seen a few times in this forum is couples expecting constant (I personally count every other hour of everyday as pretty constant) contact. Sometimes it's just not possible to do consistently. I get that it makes people worried but the chance of anything happening is extremely slim, and not hearing from someone in a couple of hours/even a day definitely does not mean anything has happened!

Personally I'd say you both need to slacken the reins. You shouldn't have to check in and she should be allowed to change plans/stay out late if she wants. I think you jumped the gun contacting her friends/ family too. im good friends with my SOs mum but even then itd have to be minimum of a day befote worry hits! That's just my thought on things though! I'm one of the couples in here who disagree with constant contact- we could but we don't. I'd honestly suggest something like our routine which is speak on skype every other day and minimal contact between. No checking in, no worrying and lots to talk about! But it's about finding what works for you and whatever you're doing now obviously needs work.

[Chris516]

My Girlfriend said to me a few nights ago "I don't want you talking to my family or friends".
Where I replied "How come? Are you ashamed of me?" Her answer was "No, It's juts an inconvenience"

What does this mean?
Does she have something to hide?

This all came about because one night last week she was going out to a Theater and said she would text at 8:00pm in the interval, She didn't.
9:00, 10:00, 11:00 still nothing.. Obviously at this point i'm understandably getting super worried. So I texted her sister asking if everything was okay. The sister replied.
In the morning my girlfriend had a massive go an all hell broke loose.

Another incident like this last year there was some talking going around Facebook that she was getting bullied and she was upset. Again obviously I don't go to her school and again I was concerned for her and upset myself (Like any boyfriend would)
So I asked her and she said "everything was fine", But I could tell they wasn't. Couple days past and I asked her again "Are you sure everything's okay". Nothing.
So I messaged her best friend "Hey is everything okay with.. * I understand she has had some problems at school?"
Again her friend reply and told me the truth.

I am really concerned why she does things like this, These are only two there are many more over our relationship. She is the Worst for opening up to me and keeping in contact.
She Always makes me tell her literally Everything and keep in touch. (I have to text every other hour when i'm out) but this doesn't bother me if it helps her know I'm okay, then I'd do anything.
But whenever I ask her to keep in touch she say's "Can't busy" "Sorry forgot" or bluntly "Just couldn't"
If I ever missed an arranged text time (such at the theater) I would never live it down, but she does it a hell of a lot.

I understand the fact she may think talking to her Friends and Family is going behind her back, and I always tell her "If you ever need to talk I'm here" and she always say "If there's anything Ill say"

Its like she can break the relationship and I can't - She can do things and I can't
But if I ever said that she has the tenancy of "blowing up"

I'm just confused about this whole thing, Can anyone help?

At first, I would agree with the others, that said calling her family/friends to see if she is okay, could seem a little creepy. At the same time, what in the world were you supposed to do. Because it sounds like she is controlling the communication in the relationship, instead of it being a two-way street. When you show concern, she jumps down your throat. That is manipulative, and isn't fair to you.

[AaronH]

I totally understand that messaging her family and friends could been seen as clingy and an inconvenience, Granted .

But my point (and feelings) are: If she said "I will text you at 8:00pm" I would expect a text between 8:00 and 9:00 - Mostly out of Respect.
If I did the same thing I wouldn't be able to let it down, so why should she be able to do it?

Being hundreds and hundreds of miles away, Only speaking on Skype twice a week for 1 hour because that's all her parents allow, If she says she will text at a certain time I think its only fair she gets in contact with me at that time.
I also feel that 3-5 hours is enough time for "worry" to start building - The Theater for example, Most plays last about 2 to 2 and a half hours, So we waited till the 8:00pm interval for contact, After they'll be around 1 hour left of the play.. 3 hours from then Im still waiting for a text, and don't get a reply from her till 9:00 the next morning (Obviously I didn't know she'll text next morning), I think/thought that would be okay to find out if my Girl was safe.. So I messaged her sister at 00:45am.
Traveling back at 10:00-11:00pm of a night through London, on a 122 mile journey, Isn't the greatest thing to do. My brains going she should of been home by now, is everything okay? which anyone

I do give he space and I don't expect constant contact, I don't text at all during college times etc.. and if she out with her mates Ill text her "hows things going" and let her reply when shes able.
I just feel In a Relationship If you say something at least make an effort or if your running late apologise. Just out of Respect for your partner.

We have been together for 2 years and she is 17.

[Black_Halloween]

Like I said, its incredibly disrespectful of her to hold you to a high standard and not hold herself to the same standard. I would act the same way if my boyfriend didn't send me a text when he said he would. If she didn't plan on texting you she should have just said "i'll talk to you tomorrow" or something you know?

I do not agree with the "She can do whatever she wants" shit that's been said on this thread. No, just because shes a girl does not mean she can do whatever she wants. She's in a serious relationship with somebody and needs consider HIS feelings. I also don't think you're doing anything wrong or "parenting" her as some of the other commenters rudely stated. You got worried, and there is nothing wrong with that.

You need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her about it. Don't let her bully you.