My Girlfriend Doesn't Want Me Around Or To Talk To Her Friends And Family..

[Jazi]

I also don't think you're doing anything wrong or "parenting" her as some of the other commenters rudely stated.

Pretty sure this part is directed at me.. considering I was the one who said "parenting".

Just want to clear that up, plus don't really appreciate my opinion being called "rudely stated", especially considering it wasn't the ONLY thing I said.

I also said - "she is being a hypocrite" - and I still think that. It's rude and disrespectful for her to be so demanding from him and then leave him hanging to worry about her.. but my point is that it should be sorted out between the TWO of them, he can't run off to her family/friends for answers - THAT isn't a functioning relationship between two people. that turns into a place where she obviously doesn't feel comfortable and it's just a band-aid to the problem of her not communicating and holding up her end of the relationship. It also completely takes the focus off the issue of HER communication being the problem here and pushes the focus onto him being the issue with him involving other people in the issues (by checking up with her/asking personal things from a friend). He needs to stop that, they need to have a functioning relationship at 100% WITHOUT him going to other people for answers. The two people in the relationship need to sit down and have a talk, he needs to air out all the issues with her (again, without others being involved, needs to be the two of them)

Also, from his OP he really didn't give the impression that it was so extreme in how long she took to reply and how long he waited before he asked the sister, I wouldn't be bothered if my SO sent my mum/sister a msg asking if I was ok (after quite a few hours/maybe the next morning depending on the circumstances) but I rarely am so disconnected from communication so it would be alarming and worrying if I didn't reply for more than 5 hours (unless I'm asleep or at work).. On the other hand if my SO went to my friend to ask about issues that I clearly didn't want to talk to him about then that would NOT be ok.

They really need to talk and Aaron needs to decide if this is a relationship he can continue IF she doesn't improve her side of the relationship, relationships are a 2 way street with 2 people - she needs to lift her game and you need to give her the chance to without going to other people, next time if she doesn't respect you DON'T msg the sister.. wait it out until she texts you and then come down on her with the emotion you would have naturally, it's not fair for her to do that to you and its not fair for you to rely on other people for the answers.

[ThePiedPiper]

If I'm being referred to as someone who said she can do what she wants, I want to clarify that I never meant to say that at all! My point was more that sometimes things happen. I hated it when my ex didn't follow through, too, but I didn't go texting and ringing everyone he knew to make sure he was safe and okay. My point was also that a lot of people on LFAD use the excuse that they suffer from anxiety when they don't hear past x or y time as a reason to do those things; texting friends and family to check up on someone does not make it okay just because you have anxiety, as it has been demonstrated is a normal occurence. Maybe you need to do what I did and stop relying on a text? Tell her to stop telling her when she'll text you. *shrug* Ask her to text you when she can and say you prefer that language to be used instead. This doesn't seem like something she's set on changing, so either deal with knowing she'll text you when she texts you or break-up with her. :/ I simply cannot condone frantically texting family and friends when she's made it clear how annoyed she is by it and when I, myself, know how absolutely pissed off I would be if my ex had made that a habit. And from the way you described it in the original post, it doesn't sound like something that's occurred only once but something you do when she doesn't text you when she says she's going to, and that's why I can't shrug it off as there was nothing wrong because it was not conveyed as having been a one time thing. Please correct me if I'm wrong, OPer.

That said, I also think she has double standards you need to talk to her about, but I believe I said that when I posted originally. Simply wanted to clarify that making a habit of texting someone's friends and family can no longer be passed off as anxiety and is not okay in all relationships or for all people. For some, it works. For some, there's nothing wrong with it. For others, it's a dealbreaker, and while I'm not saying she can do whatever she wants, because she can't and his feelings should be considered, but I am trying to say that he can't make it a habit when she's not okay with it and when it's been demonstrated that she's a flake and does this regularly.

[Hollandia]

I totally understand that messaging her family and friends could been seen as clingy and an inconvenience, Granted .

But my point (and feelings) are: If she said "I will text you at 8:00pm" I would expect a text between 8:00 and 9:00 - Mostly out of Respect.
If I did the same thing I wouldn't be able to let it down, so why should she be able to do it?

Being hundreds and hundreds of miles away, Only speaking on Skype twice a week for 1 hour because that's all her parents allow, If she says she will text at a certain time I think its only fair she gets in contact with me at that time.
I also feel that 3-5 hours is enough time for "worry" to start building - The Theater for example, Most plays last about 2 to 2 and a half hours, So we waited till the 8:00pm interval for contact, After they'll be around 1 hour left of the play.. 3 hours from then Im still waiting for a text, and don't get a reply from her till 9:00 the next morning (Obviously I didn't know she'll text next morning), I think/thought that would be okay to find out if my Girl was safe.. So I messaged her sister at 00:45am.
Traveling back at 10:00-11:00pm of a night through London, on a 122 mile journey, Isn't the greatest thing to do. My brains going she should of been home by now, is everything okay? which anyone

I do give he space and I don't expect constant contact, I don't text at all during college times etc.. and if she out with her mates Ill text her "hows things going" and let her reply when shes able.
I just feel In a Relationship If you say something at least make an effort or if your running late apologise. Just out of Respect for your partner.

We have been together for 2 years and she is 17.

If she is blowing you off then it is rude, regardless. If you are seriously concerned the first few times and overstep that is understandable. If you continue to do it after she told you not to, that is wrong. You need to address her rudeness with her for blowing you off, but keep her family and friends out of it now. She told you this is a line not to cross and so now you should not cross it. If she continues to blow you off then she is sending you a message. You must either accept that she is going to disrespect your time and feelings or put your foot down and make an ultimatum. If you don't text when you say don't expect me to be always waiting, and then DON'T wait. Turn off the phone and let her see how it feels a few times. If she wishes to act like an immature child then treat her as one. All this, but her stop contacting her family and friends, you know she is just blowing you off and so checking to make sure she is safe is not going to fly anymore.

[AaronH]

Originally Posted by Jazi
.. but my point is that it should be sorted out between the TWO of them, he can't run off to her family/friends for answers

Okay, So I haven't heard off my Girlfriend for over 5 hours, its super late at night, (and your going to be worried) What else was I suppose to do?

Originally Posted by Jazi
checking up with her/asking personal things from a friend

Originally Posted by AaronH
Another incident like this last year there was some talking going around Facebook that she was getting bullied

The "asking personal things from a friend" point I think looses all meaning in the situation involved.

1. It was already going around Facebook
2. She was getting Bullied

Okay maybe she didn't want to tell me personally for a reason, Maybe she was embarrassed or sacred, 90% of people don't tell close ones about bullying, its natural keeping it to yourself.
But if standing up and protecting you partner the best you can in a LDR is finding out the truth someway and supporting them, I'm going to do it.
Since when was looking after your partner wrong?

Originally Posted by Jazi
Aaron needs to decide if this is a relationship he can continue IF she doesn't improve her side of the relationship

This isn't a deal breaker for me,
Going back to the double standards,
She chases me if I don't reply within half and hour of her original text - I let her reply when she can, but only chase up if she said or promised something.
If I miss a set time I wouldn't ever hear the end of it, yet she misses it 70-80% of the time.
I have only spoke to a friend or family 3-4 times in two years.

So now.. Was I wrong to ask someone else, to find out if she was safe, happy and/or okay?
I feel she should of told me sooner she didn't like it, and in a nice way rather than big old shout out.. at the end of the day I saw it as looking after my girl, she obvs saw it as checking up on her.

[Hollandia]

Okay, So I haven't heard off my Girlfriend for over 5 hours, its super late at night, (and your going to be worried) What else was I suppose to do?




The "asking personal things from a friend" point I think looses all meaning in the situation involved.

1. It was already going around Facebook
2. She was getting Bullied

Okay maybe she didn't want to tell me personally for a reason, Maybe she was embarrassed or sacred, 90% of people don't tell close ones about bullying, its natural keeping it to yourself.
But if standing up and protecting you partner the best you can in a LDR is finding out the truth someway and supporting them, I'm going to do it.
Since when was looking after your partner wrong?



This isn't a deal breaker for me,
Going back to the double standards,
She chases me if I don't reply within half and hour of her original text - I let her reply when she can, but only chase up if she said or promised something.
If I miss a set time I wouldn't ever hear the end of it, yet she misses it 70-80% of the time.
I have only spoke to a friend or family 3-4 times in two years.

So now.. Was I wrong to ask someone else, to find out if she was safe, happy and/or okay?
I feel she should of told me sooner she didn't like it, and in a nice way rather than big old shout out.. at the end of the day I saw it as looking after my girl, she obvs saw it as checking up on her.

If it was the first times she did it, you can contact the others because you did not know if she was safe or not. After you knew the next time she was just blowing you off, then you have to do what every other person does and wait till she contacts you. If you don't and her family and friends start ignoring you, you will be in same boat. If I was her I would tell them all not to answer your calls. This is really bad because if something did happen you would not be able to get a hold of them, but still I would not want them getting pulled into my shit and I would tell them that.

She told you now to stop so you stop. You can't contact her family and friends anymore no matter what you read on FB. If this one sided lack of respect is okay with you it is a shame that you don't think you deserve to be treated better. You love her and want to look after her and respect her time. She should treat you the same with your time. Have you talked to her openly about how she is not doing so in your opinion? Are you afraid if you push the issue she will tell you something you don't wish to hear? I think you should have a long conversation with her and get all your feelings out in the open. If she refuses to change and you are okay with it, then you can't complain and need to sit back and prepare for some hard long nights ahead. I would not put up with that, but that is your ultimate decision to make. If she agrees to change then the two of you can work together to respect each others time and both your levels of need to stay in contact. You simply might want more of it than she is willing to give.

[Jazi]

Okay, So I haven't heard off my Girlfriend for over 5 hours, its super late at night, (and your going to be worried) What else was I suppose to do?

You can't take back what happened but I've already said that you and her need to talk about this.. the answer to this problem is to improve the communication WITHIN the relationship, not going to get answers from other people. You also know she flakes out on communicating with you quite regularly, this issue alone could end your relationship.. She could end up feeling smothered and you can't handle feeling worried (and it is natural to feel worried) but you two NEED to sort it out and come to a compromise of how you will handle this as a COUPLE without you having to fall back onto asking her family where she is, that should be a once in a blue moon (or even less) to be asking the family.

The "asking personal things from a friend" point I think looses all meaning in the situation involved.

No it really doesn't, it doesn't matter WHAT it is.. it is HER business to tell you

1. It was already going around Facebook
2. She was getting Bullied

Okay maybe she didn't want to tell me personally for a reason, Maybe she was embarrassed or sacred, 90% of people don't tell close ones about bullying, its natural keeping it to yourself.
But if standing up and protecting you partner the best you can in a LDR is finding out the truth someway and supporting them, I'm going to do it.
Since when was looking after your partner wrong?

After hearing the story I still completely think that it was NOT your place to go out and "look out" for her. You are just justifying it all and not taking ownership for the fact that you went behind her back to find out the details of the issue. She is still an individual outside of your relationship and it's HER job to decide who she tells issues to and who she doesn't.. you're not going to fix anything by coming in and being the big strong LDR boyfriend... In a lot of cases you'll probably just make the situation worse by forcing your way in.

This isn't a deal breaker for me,
Going back to the double standards,
She chases me if I don't reply within half and hour of her original text - I let her reply when she can, but only chase up if she said or promised something.
If I miss a set time I wouldn't ever hear the end of it, yet she misses it 70-80% of the time.
I have only spoke to a friend or family 3-4 times in two years.

You're kind of contradicting yourself.. You say you can't handle her double-standards yet you say it's not a deal breaker for you. My point was is you can't force her to change, all you two can do is talk.. and you may have to accept that this is the way she is in a relationship. I also agree with Piper that you might just have to stop expecting her to say she will text when she says she will check in... Maybe have to ask her NOT to set a time that she will text.

So now.. Was I wrong to ask someone else, to find out if she was safe, happy and/or okay?

Kind of sounds like you're trying to get me to agree with you, which I don't... But I don't agree with how your girlfriend is handling things either... I'm not on either side here.

I feel she should of told me sooner she didn't like it, and in a nice way rather than big old shout out.. at the end of the day I saw it as looking after my girl, she obvs saw it as checking up on her.

Well it sounds like a long standing issue that has escalated quite quickly.. sometimes people get angry and don't talk rationally. You both need to sit down and talk it out together.. it's all you can do to try and improve things.

Also, you might have to let go of the fact that you feel you were "right" to do xyz, all that will do is put her on the defense and you won't really get anywhere... if you're prepared to admit that you were wrong and GENUINELY get to a new place together, admitting your own part in these issues then you might have a good chance of her doing the same.

[ThePiedPiper]

It doesn't matter how you feel about it. She's told you how she feels about it and you continue to do it and justify why it's okay. Not everyone sees texting family and friends to "get to the real issue" (no matter where it's going around) as a guy being valiant. Not everyone can be patient with someone who texts family or friends to check up on them after they missed a rendezvous.

The thing is, just because some of us are saying that they would react the same way she did if their SOs did what you did... It doesn't mean that we're absolving her of all responsibility. What she's been doing is wrong but you either have to decide you can't deal with it or find a way to compromise with her. Sometimes that means saying "please don't set a time when you'll text." Sometimes that means sitting down and having an adult conversation about it. And yes, sometimes that means quitting a behaviour that your SO has expressed she doesn't like. You've made it a habit to bypass communicating with your SO and I don't care what your reasons are. I don't care what her reasons are for constantly flaking out on texting you either! Why? Because in the end, the problem is the behaviour, not the reasons behind it. You're both going to have to learn to take a look at yourselves and see where you can improve, because this relationship isn't going to work until you can say, "I guess that was wrong of me, I didn't mean it that way, and I'm willing to change that behaviour" in the same conversation as communicating your needs to her.

[AaronH]

I know NOW that she doesn't like it because she told me.
Before how was I to know she was upset by it? At the end of the day all I see is the girl I love and want to do what's best for her "/
If i'm worried she may be hurt (feelings or physically) I'm going to support her the best I can in a LDR.
Yes I know she doesn't like it now, but that doesn't make me wrong, at the time I didn't know she was upset but it, If i did it again now then fair enough I'd agree with your comment that I was in the wrong.

You're kind of contradicting yourself.. You say you can't handle her double-standards yet you say it's not a deal breaker for you.

I'm not contradicting myself, I've never said I hate this, if she don't improve, It's over.
This has never been a deal breaker, I was just asking other peoples advice, opinions and views on the situation.
I bet everybody's partners has something that annoys or can't stand them, some bigger than others.
Doesn't mean I'm going to end it.

if you're prepared to admit that you were wrong

Was I wrong to contact other people? - Maybe, Yes and No
1. Its shows I care and worried. Show I'm looking out for her (which is important in a relationship) End of the day I was going off what SHE had said.
On the other hand 2. She didn't like it, she may feel I'm checking up on her. Fair enough.

I understand both opinions, but I don't agree the terms, "You/She was wrong" just a difference of view. Neither of us were right, neither were wrong.

The "asking personal things from a friend" point I think looses all meaning in the situation involved.

No it really doesn't, it doesn't matter WHAT it is.. it is HER business to tell you

This is a sticky point, I could rant off and say if you heard/saw your partner was being bullied or was hurt, wouldn't you do all you can to find out what had happened/going on? but that could be seen a disrespectful or pulling in people that's not needed. So i'm not going to.

Overall, People will always see this as a Good and Bad situation.

People will always - Agree with Me and say - Its great your looking out for you partner, even over a distance, many people would just give up. It's disrespectful that she didn't respect your "agreement", she should take in to account your feelings and not just her own if she cant be bother to do something.

and there will always be people who Disagree and say - You need to respect her business, she can do what she wants.

I just think if your in a Relationship, close or distance, its a two way street, and you should agree and do everything a Relationship entitles, understand each other and their views and feelings, and not pick and choose what you want to do.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree, but then you need to communicate with her and decide if you can live with what she's not willing to change. And I have never crossed lines and gone through other people to find out what my partner wouldn't tell me. It doesn't create the safe space I want to foster in order for my partner to feel safe and comfortable coming to me.

[Hollandia]

It was a invasion of her privacy what "some people" might say is really moot, that call is hers and hers alone. The very first time only you did it safe to say you were just concerned for her safety. She was indeed just blowing you off and so the next time it was an invasion of her privacy. There is no maybe about that, you did it again with the knowledge that she might be blowing you off. That was wrong, also no maybe about it. I am sorry but you used the guise of the safety issue after the first time to justify stepping over the lines at least partially, you had the prior knowledge that she would do this to you, even if you don't acknowledge or even realize it.

If you are okay with her treating you as such then get ready to suck it up and deal. That is the cold hard truth. You stated it is not a deal breaker and are getting defensive about it not being for you, that is your choice no need to defend it, but own it and all of it's consequences. No more rationalizations for not doing so.

1. You can discuss it with her and she can change and you work out a plan and that would be wonderful.
2. You can discuss with her and she can not change and you will stop contacting others and just deal and not be resentful about it because she told you she would not change and you accepted it.
3. You can make the contact with others regardless again in the future and risk losing her.
4. You can make it a deal breaker.

You stated that it is no deal breaker for you so you really have three options. I personally think that someone that treats their SO as such ,is just not that much into them. When you are totally into someone you want to contract them and you want to respect them. When you are going through the motions till someone better comes along you treat them like this, if you are that type of person.

I would say that you seem not to like to hear what some are saying. When you ask for advice you are not always going to hear what you want. I am absolutely not telling you to break up with her either, you just need to accept where you stand.

[Jazi]

I would say that you seem not to like to hear what some are saying. When you ask for advice you are not always going to hear what you want. I am absolutely not telling you to break up with her either, you just need to accept where you stand.

I've pretty much said all the advice and thoughts already that I have to say on this topic.. I just wanted to add that I agree with what Holl said here ^

It really doesn't effect me at all if you take on the advice being presented to you, how you conduct your relationship has no impact on me whatsoever and if the two of you broke up/got married and spent the rest of your lives together my opinions/advice wouldn't change.. I'm offering this advice out of the kindness of my own heart to take the time to listen to your issues and reply with my own thoughts/knowledge of relationships.. You don't seem to want to hear/accept any differing view from your own though. I advise (ironic lol) that you don't post here asking for help/opinions/how to fix things if you aren't willing to hear what people have to say, we aren't here to agree with you, we are actually trying to help.. We have nothing to gain from giving you useless advice.

anyway, goodluck in your relationship Aaron. I wish you two the best.

[AaronH]

I haven't not accepted or gone back on anything that anyone one has said.

I said I understand each and every way this situation could be seen and everything everyone has said and advised, I haven't said to anyone "you are wrong" and I haven't said I'm not going to do any of what anyone has said.

I asked other people to sate there opinions and advice on the situation, and I just was stating my opinion and view on the topic as well, Also I thought it would to help you to "see" and understand fully, and so I can get the best advice on how to resolve this issue. Obvs if you don't know what I'm thinking or how I see something, you won't be able to help me the best you can or maybe I or someone else may of said something you missed or didn't think about.

I thank everyone who has posted, and I hope no one thought I was having a go or moaning at them.
There are people who go against me, people who agree with me and what I did, and other people who are mixed. This was the whole point of this thread.
And hopefully it will help other couples as well.

I just wanted a full debate and a full answer to cover every aspect and thought.

I have only spoke to another person about my partner 4 times over 2 years, she didn't say anything to me until after the 4th time. So obvs I didn't know she was upset.
She doesn't have a "history of not texting" (as one post said) which is why when she doesn't text I get worried and concerned. She may have an attitude over texting and texts late, but that's a completely different subject than promising and not contacting at all.

(I'm new to all this forum posting, so my post are very vague and my wording isn't the best on some of my points/views, and I've read back and seen I've missed out things and all and Ahh Sorry >,< )