Thinking of walking away.

[MissButterfly]

I don't even know where to start. In the beginning my SO was such a sweet, attentive person. A real gentleman. I really liked this one guy but he let me down so hard, and my SO picked me up again. I was so insecure about everything but he's helped me come a very long way. He wrote me poems and sang to me, sent me letters and sometimes even a gift. He visited me twice and both times it was amazing. Everything was perfect. Last summer I visited him before flying back together to study here. Witnessing him at his own house was already quite different, he's extremely messy. I didn't care that much back then.
Last August, we closed the distance, but he lives in his own apartment on campus a couple of minutes away. Since then, it's just gone downhill. He never goes outside, he doesn't like the city. We never go out to eat or to a movie, things I'd love to do with him. He games a lot, showers only once a week, wears the same clothes every day, and doesn't want to change. Making out is suddenly gross, not to even begin to speak about making love. I am a high maintenance person, get stressed easily and break down more often than I would like. I get that that is very hard for him but he's been so good about it before.
Little things are starting to get on my nerves. He never takes the initiative to message me, always just comes home and starts gaming without even thinking of me I guess. He never wants to come over here because he's so comfy. If I ask him if I should come over he just says 'It's up to you' or something like that. To me that just feels like he's super indifferent to having me around. He doesn't really care if I'm there or at my own house. I just feel like I'm not a priority anymore. He doesn't have any friends at university, just online. He always forgets to eat, never does his dishes.
I guess I just needed to get it out there. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm starting to reach the limit of what I can take. Every time I bring a thing up that bothers me he just waves it off like me being a dramaqueen again. Makes me wonder if I am.... I talked about it with him today and he told me that the person I was looking for probably does not even exist. That I won't find what I am looking for in anyone. I just feel like it's a matter of time before we're breaking up and that is driving me crazy. He seems unwilling to change, and I don't even know what I concretely want him to change. Which is unfair to him, because if I can't tell him he can't improve. I told him that it's good he's going home for two months, and then I visit him in Minnesota. If nothing improves after that, I think it's better to just move on, but the thought terrifies me. I've been unable to eat or sleep from it the past two days.
Any advice or thoughts would be very much appreciated...

[Tooki]

As I said to you before, give him until he returns from Minnesota to get his act together.

Perhaps part of his issue is that he doesn't like it in The Hague.

Ultimately this is out of your control and your SO needs to change. If not, I dare say that you should move on from him. The person that you want is indeed out there.

[ChibiFelicia]

Your SO sounds like my ex. You can;t change his personal hygiene issues without sounding like his mum. At first the little things didn't bother me, i'd just clean up after him or we'd have a shower together before being intimate but there is really something wrong with that. I spoke to my ex about it but he never changed and i was with him for 6 years. In the end i decided i couldn't handle being with someone like that and ended it. I'll second what tooki said, the person you want is indeed out there.

[kattermole]

Oh I really feel for you

Could he be depressed? That sometimes manifests in the losing interest in everything and everyone around you and it sounds like he's become really insular. And if he doesn't like where he lives, that might be playing a part.

I do think that once you are with someone all the time, you're probably going to see some stuff you didn't see just on visits, or which didn't really register to you, like the mess and stuff but his behaviour is a bit more extreme than a couple of bad habits.

Have you spoken to him seriously about it? I know it's difficult, particularly with the bodily hygiene stuff. You said he waves it off, but I think you need to stand your ground and say "No, I won't let it go, this is severely affecting our relationship and my feelings about us".

At the end of the day, though, the problem lies squarely with him. Life is about finding a balance and it seems he's lost any semblance of that.

[Hollandia]

Does he have an addiction problem? Is he only gaming all the time and just pushing everything else in his life aside to to do it? If it is an addiction problem then it is possible he could learn to work through that and get back to life. Part of life includes cooking, cleaning and taking care of yourself and those you love. My SO goes on gaming binges sometimes too, I shudder to think what his place looks like but he does shower everyday. He gets very distant when he is gaming but yet he still is on Skype with me so not quite the same thing or even a real addiction for him.

If it is not an addiction, is it depression? The person you are looking for does not exist almost sounds like that could be part of it. If it is depression you could ask him what he thinks might be causing it and see if he wants to try for the two of you to try to find ways to help work through that. The Hague is an amazing place, but I can say it is a huge culture shock for me as an American to stay in NL sometimes. I get a bit depressed when over there if my SO is working a lot. Does your SO have other friends over there to spend time with as well as you? I really wish I had some over there, I think then it would feel more like home. Do you think this is part of his problem?

If you think he is just lazy and will always be this way and you can't handle it then I would end it too. I would give a my very best shot and maybe even offer to clean up his mess with him to get him back on track. I don't think one time is mothering him if he needs a helping hand as long as he follows through from that point on. If he does not care enough about the two of you to even try there is not much you can do. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope you stick around here either way.

[dragonlady]

tell him how you feel and what you think about his cleaning his self up and such
that you need him to change, and that you cant hold on to this relation other wise, then when he goes home he got time to think about it?
good luck and a big hug!

[Kiyama]

How old is your SO?
He sounds like a typical male 19 year old student to me, away from home for the first time...
I feel like a lot of men go through such a phase but it seems to have gone on for quite a while for you.
Have you talked about making compromises?
I lived with a messy boyfriend before and I can tell you, it was a hell of a fight and it _never_ really got better. We found a few agreements and I have to say for his standards, he made a big step towards me. Unfortunately, he was lacking in other areas too.
So I wonder if you have ever really drawn a line with him? Like really not going to his house anymore when it wasn't clean or insinsiting to spend at least one night at yours?

Another thing that occured to me: is it possible he doesn't like it in your city and resents you for it? If he wasn't like that before and more of an outgoing person, that could explain a lot.

[Catface]

This thread sends alarm bells for me. It sounds very much like what I dealt with when I was with my ex. Long story short, he was a gamer and emotionally abusive. Especially in the last half of the relationship, he chose to stay inside and play Starcraft from 4pm until 3am, only leaving the house for work. The house was always a mess, he barely spoke to me and he could care less that I was there. When I complained, everything was my fault, nothing was wrong with him and I was called down for it. He made me feel worthless and unworthy of love.

If this sound familiar, you have every right to be worried. What drew my attention to this was "I talked about it with him today and he told me that the person I was looking for probably does not even exist. That I won't find what I am looking for in anyone." To me, that sounds an awful lot like he's telling you that you can't do better. Well the fact of the matter is that based on your post, you just want someone who showers, goes outside and pays attention to you. There are lots of men out there who behave that way. Please do not let him convince you that you deserve someone who will neglect themselves and you. I've also seen your posts about lack of sex, and here about it being gross due to hygiene. Showering is not hard work, he's being lazy. I would absolutely be upset if my SO wasn't showering or having sex with me.

The other posters are right, it could be a matter of a gaming addiction or depression. Don't fool yourself, gaming addiction is a very real thing and they actually have rehab centers in Europe for that. It's important to be mindful that it could be the circumstances he's under BUT you also can't make a person get better. If you feel you've tried all that you can try and he isn't better it may be worth leaving. If he doesn't want to be different and he doesn't want to live a healthy life with you, no amount of pushing or pleading will make him.

I'm sorry that this post is so blunt, but I felt I should be honest. I hope that he sees himself and decides to get help for whatever he's going through. I hope things work out for you and that you can both be happy and healthy together. We're all here for you, so keep typing and we'll keep listening *hug*

[Captivated]

Yeah the first thing that came to mind when I read your story was that he's depressed and homesick. And gaming is just something he has to escape those feelings. Maybe his outlook will change somewhat after he visits home?

[Jazi]

I agree with a lot of things the other posters have said - all of them really are things to consider.

I just wanted to throw something else in - This sounds a lot like my ex who I had a lot of issues with, one of them being that he was more interested in gaming than coming over and was very noncommittal about me going to his house (we were CDR). our relationship ended eventually.. But during some of the hard times I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings and gave it to him to read, it was a good way to get my point across without it becoming an argument and we talked about it after he read my letter.. things did improve after that.

It sounds like you know how you feel for the most part.. but sometimes it's hard to say these things to your SO in the moment. Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down and think about your feelings/wants and desires in the relationship and take the time to write out a draft.. and as many drafts as you need before you give him the letter, that way you know everything you want to say is there and you've worded it the best way you can.

Also, I don't think you're crazy for having the standards you do in the relationship you WANT.. it's possible to get what you want, you will find that in someone; whether it's your SO by improving your relationship or if it's in someone else. I have gone through many times before my current SO that I felt hopeless and really horrible about myself because I expected too much from a man and that I'd NEVER find it.. like there was something wrong with me. I just want you to know there is NOTHING wrong with you, stand for what you want and never settle for less than you deserve.

[digitalfever]

Like the other have said this sounds like he's transitioning poorly from home life to student life. I think you need to have a conversation with him.

[TwoThree]

I'm sorry you're going through this

I agree with others, mostly. But I wanted to point out something that really bothers me. When he basically tells you that you can't do better than him. Or something to that effect. I find that really nasty, and absolutely untrue, too. I hope you never ever believe that about yourself.

Talk to him. I like Jazi's idea of a letter. But I honestly wouldn't wait too long if change doesn't occur. In the end you'll know what's best for you.

[Moon]

Sometimes it's really hard and takes a long time to find the strength to do what you know is right. I think you should wait until after the trip too, but maybe start distancing yourself a little first and see how it feels, if it feels more comfortable without him, and he doesn't notice it, there's not much left after that. I'm sorry, sweetie

[Kristin91]

It sounds like your SO is more comfortable doing LD because you can't see him making a mess and playing video games all the time, not showering, etc... and I think he's afraid of you leaving because I'm sure he does love you a lot. However, that being said, a person can only change so much for someone else. If he's not willing to change to meet your standards (which are not outrageous, btw), and you're not okay with things the way they are, then I think you need to protect yourself and walk away. Message me if you ever want to talk!

[MissButterfly]

Thank you all for your replies and support. It means the world to me that you are so kind... Anyway, so I talked to him about it and he basically said that he absolutely loves the way he is living his life. He always has a lot of fun with his friends online and it doesn't bother him that he does not have any real-life friends. (Also, I can't stand his cynical attitude of 'Everyone is dumb and terrible until they prove otherwise.' Makes it hard for me too.) I don't think it is depression because he is happy in his life, just not the place but there are some places in the city that he feels good in, such as the beach and a park nearby. He never wants to go there with me when I suggest it though. I don't know if he's really addicted to gaming because he doesn't play outrageously long, he does all of his work on time etc. And even if it would be either of those, he would never admit it or be willing to get help - so this is just a dead path for me.
I just realized I have not eaten anything all day, and it's now 7.30 pm. This is really killing me. He told me he wanted a list of things that bothered me, so I wrote one and sent it to me. Maybe not as carefully considered as Jazi suggested, but I've been thinking about it for so long now that I could just easily point out what exactly is wrong. After that, all he said was 'I just want to be left alone' and has ignored me since. He told me he wanted to work on himself and make this work, but if he is going to act like that I don't know how much longer it's going to hold in the first place. I asked him what the point was where he broke up with his ex, and he told me that she said they needed to take a break. I asked him if he would have done the same if I had asked him that, and he said that he would probably have considered it. I think that is stupid in the first place because sometimes it's just necessary and works out for the better.
Right now, to be honest, I just want to get myself out of this situation, no matter what it takes. And maybe that means breaking up before the summer, but then at least I have all the time in the world to start loving myself again. I know it would be wise to wait and see if it changes, but I am almost certain that as soon as he's back here he'll slip back in his old ways. And I can't fool myself by thinking that everything will be different once we live in Minnesota because I don't want to leave my family behind and I don't want to waste the next two years of university being in a shitty relationship only because it might get better. God why is this so terribly hard...

Edit: Should also add that he had a lot of problems with his parents back home, and couldn't wait to move somewhere else. He doesn't miss any people, just the food and the weather. I guess I don't even know if he ever forms natural attachments to people.