Interesting Comments - Needed Conversation upon SO's Return

[Hollandia]

That could be a possibility. It certainly seems that way...



Initially, I wasn't planning on going anywhere no matter WHERE he was (a point that I have repeated to him several times over the past couple of days), but this recent development has me worried that there's some major under lying issues going on. I can't be a super hero and save him. His reaction really makes me nervous, and yes... this seems REALLY intense for a two-month-old relationship. I personally don't feel like I should be THAT much of a factor in a decision that major. If we had more time between us, I could understand it but I like to take my time with matters of the heart.



Actually, my SO LOVES his job (and makes it too much of his identity in my personal opinion). I think all of the changes have just taken their toll on him. Losing his friends and being away from his family hasn't helped... It really just seems like he had too many bad days in a row and just snapped.

As for doing his "job" elsewhere... he's in a specialized line of work ... When he couldn't find work in the US, Europe gave him a chance, so the fact that he's burning bridges because he's pissed off is really not the best decision... and he did a LOT more than raise his voice. He dropped a few "F" bombs as well.






I don't think it's a matter of CD. I would absolutely ADORE being closer to him under the right circumstances. I don't think he would truly be happy back in the states and potentially jobless. Though he has the financial means to live jobless for a while, he identifies so much with his job that not doing it would really push him over the edge. His family would also give him a lot of grief if he spontaneously stopped working.

I am going to take your advice and ask him directly about his reasons for doing this. He's alluded to me being part of the decision, but I really think everything comes down to him getting frustrated and making a REALLY bad move without thinking it through.



No. We actually "live" about 20 minutes from each other when he's home. He spends 8 months out of the year working in Europe.

Okay, i thought that the was the case, he is an American.That is a lot different than him moving to a new country after 2 months to be with you, he is just talking of coming home. He might love his job but miss his home country. I don't see this as being as rash as you might think. He is living in a foreign country for the purpose of the job alone. He is losing his friends over there and I can tell you it is hard leaving your country. The idea of it, scares the pants off me. He is having a rough time and does not want to do it anymore, I don't blame him. There might be a chance he will move back with or without you in the picture and this is another question I would pose to him. If he says yes, he would do it regardless then this should shed a different light on the situation and perhaps he could take the time he can afford to to get into a different line of work or an affiliated one. He could take some classes to better his chance when and/if he goes to Europe to work again. As long as he is doing something positive then I don't see it as a bad thing. You have said he can afford this. He worked hard for it and it is his cash to spend and his family is there,and his girlfriend. He might just see.............win win win.

You did mention, he still has that job and they penalized him so that is a really good sign they did not fire him. He is still employed, he has a black mark on his record but he did not trash his career. I would suggest that if he really wants to leave that he do it in the mature way responsible people do. He can go through the appropriate channels and give his proper notice and really not should be be burning so many bridges unless this is the only company in Europe that offers this position. He might also ask for an extended leave of absence unpaid? If he loves his job and his boss is not a jerk then maybe he could explain and apologize, take his lumps for a bit and leave on better terms? It does go both ways too, if you think two months is not long enough to put pressure on you by coming home, then really it is also too short of time for you to have much input about his career path if he decides to change it. It is his career and he does wish to trash it that is his decision. You then have to decide if you still want him.

I have had employees tell me to F#$2 off too, I would write them up and move forward. If you are not terminated then it is best to just drop it so that the work environment does not suffer for it. After a few weeks you kinda forget that stuff. I think after the heat of the moment it is not as serious as you fear it is. He stepped out of line and was reprimanded. He did not steal or lie or refuse to do his work correct? That are the things that will destroy a career.

Even if you decide to end it, he will need to figure out how he is going to support himself for the rest of his life. The question that pops into my mind is what if he does decide to wants to raise alpacas or be a pig farmer? Is there some part of you that finds his job as one of the reasons you want to be with him? He does have a right and may very well decide to be something he was not before. This might change both the way you see him and the way he sees himself. I am sorry you are having to deal with so very much this early in the relationship but this is when you learn who your SO really is and what makes them tick and vice versa.

I am concerned because this problem and the original sound like two different people. The first one was a guy not ready to fully commit to not being single and now this one is a man ready to have someone to come home too. Did he have an epiphany? Maybe he does want to settle down and simply does not want to do it over there. I think the exotic nature of globetrotting gets old and then you just want to go home. If he is doing this for him and he is not happy with his life there, then I see nothing wrong with it.

[ZenZeta]

You are full of wisdom... and helping a lot...



I am looking forward to asking him some of the questions you suggested. I never did think that he may have already had one foot out the door and that my comments may have just been the last straw. That would certainly make me feel less guilty. I seriously don't want him to hate me if he realizes that he moved too quickly and can't undo what he did regarding his career. My biggest fear is that I will be blamed and resented. Your perspective certainly sheds a different light on the situation (THANKS!!)

His boss actually suggested that he take a leave of absence from work and get his head together. That may not be so bad. I am still concerned about his whole attitude. He really is "Over it" and he's being really short with his boss and others. It is my hope that his boss will show compassion and let him get a break next week. I think seeing each other and talking and spending time together would do us both a lot of good. I've just never seen this side of him. Usually HE is the one reassuring me, and I don't think I do a very good job of making him feel better. I keep making suggestions about what he might be able to do to rectify the job situation and (as you pointed out) that may not be my place ore what he needs right now.

The good news is, the one thing he REALLY likes about me is that I could care less about what he does. I tell him all the time that it's about who he is and that I would support him if he was shoveling S### on the side of the highway. I didn't even know what he did until a couple of months after we met. However, his family puts a LOT of pressure on him (They remind him that he's getting older and may need to pick another career. They were the ones who told him that he couldn't accomplish his dreams when the US options didn't work out), and I think he spends WAY too much time trying to prove them wrong.

As for the epiphany, you are right. He did say that our conversation regarding the "female friend" (as awful as the timing may have been) did force him to think about what matters.

It still makes me a little nervous to hear him talking about "losing me" and mentioning how "his dad left his career to be with his mom" so early. I just don't want him to make a decision "for me" only to find out it wasn't the right decision and hate me for it.

...and he has mentioned that he's had his fun and he is turning 40 on Sunday. Maybe it is just a matter of him wanting to do something different.

You've helped a lot. I need to change my perspective a little and find the bright side. The key is to find out if he is truly doing this for himself and not for me. The question of why he had the big blow up still lingers, but maybe it just all got to be too much.

Thanks again. I'll keep you posted.

[Hollandia]

You are full of wisdom... and helping a lot...



I am looking forward to asking him some of the questions you suggested. I never did think that he may have already had one foot out the door and that my comments may have just been the last straw. That would certainly make me feel less guilty. I seriously don't want him to hate me if he realizes that he moved too quickly and can't undo what he did regarding his career. My biggest fear is that I will be blamed and resented. Your perspective certainly sheds a different light on the situation (THANKS!!)

His boss actually suggested that he take a leave of absence from work and get his head together. That may not be so bad. I am still concerned about his whole attitude. He really is "Over it" and he's being really short with his boss and others. It is my hope that his boss will show compassion and let him get a break next week. I think seeing each other and talking and spending time together would do us both a lot of good. I've just never seen this side of him. Usually HE is the one reassuring me, and I don't think I do a very good job of making him feel better. I keep making suggestions about what he might be able to do to rectify the job situation and (as you pointed out) that may not be my place ore what he needs right now.

The good news is, the one thing he REALLY likes about me is that I could care less about what he does. I tell him all the time that it's about who he is and that I would support him if he was shoveling S### on the side of the highway. I didn't even know what he did until a couple of months after we met. However, his family puts a LOT of pressure on him (They remind him that he's getting older and may need to pick another career. They were the ones who told him that he couldn't accomplish his dreams when the US options didn't work out), and I think he spends WAY too much time trying to prove them wrong.

As for the epiphany, you are right. He did say that our conversation regarding the "female friend" (as awful as the timing may have been) did force him to think about what matters.

It still makes me a little nervous to hear him talking about "losing me" and mentioning how "his dad left his career to be with his mom" so early. I just don't want him to make a decision "for me" only to find out it wasn't the right decision and hate me for it.

...and he has mentioned that he's had his fun and he is turning 40 on Sunday. Maybe it is just a matter of him wanting to do something different.

You've helped a lot. I need to change my perspective a little and find the bright side. The key is to find out if he is truly doing this for himself and not for me. The question of why he had the big blow up still lingers, but maybe it just all got to be too much.

Thanks again. I'll keep you posted.

That sounds great. I am glad I could be of any help.

[ZenZeta]

Well...

I'm really now exhausted with the whole thing. We just talked and he purposely went against his boss's instructions and went out with some co-workers and got plastered...missing a mandatory meeting. I honestly didn't have the energy to reprimand him because he KNOWS better. It's almost as if he is trying to sabatoge his own career.

While I can certainly understand the shutting down, why not do it in a mature manner, take the boss's offer for a leave of absence and get his head together?

Instead, he is going to defy his boss and TAKE the upcoming weekend to go on the trip that started this thread (with the female friend) and... maybe forgo coming home because he needs a "weekend to himself"

Right now he is bouncing back and forth and quite honestly, I'm getting dizzy. I just let him talk. I did not have the strength to mother him tonight. And to think that I was willing to take blame for his tantrum.

It's clear that he has some issues that have nothing to do with me that triggered this episode, and I can't watch him self destruct. To be this irresponsible and bull headed at 40 years old is just immature, and I don't have time to be a mother.

I am waiting until I calm down a little (I am completely furious and emotionally exhausted), but I think I am going to have to step away from him as well until he figures this out. My fear is that he's going to connect my leaving to him potentially losing his job (which he may have accomplished tonight in his drunken adventure), but his behavior is causing this.

Soooo frustrated right now..

[Hollandia]

I was really hoping this would go in the other direction. I am sorry this is happening to you.



So now we know, no epiphany. I would not believe half of what he said. Now he is going again and not going to visit you? What happened to him realizing this was wrong and he wanted to be with you? Not so much anymore. I am going to say, I think I would not be surprised if he was sleeping with her. I hope I am wrong, but he is contradicting himself and anyone that was cheated on before knows that if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, sometimes it is a duck. They only way I would stay with him is if he agreed not to spend drunken overnights with single female friends.

If he is 40 years old. He knows exactly what he is doing. I am sorry he is now acting like a child. When kids throw temper tantrums it is best to ignore them. I think you should stop worrying about what he is thinking at this point and take care of yourself. Go have a girls night out, join a reading club or take a cooking class. In other words, do something for yourself. It is his life and he is telling you, his boss and anyone that prevents him from doing what he wants to f#c& themselves.

If he did not have a stacked bank account he might appreciate how good of a boss he has. He is starting to sound like a spoiled man child that does not want to grow up. This is not " I am upset and he needs a weekend to himself" this is "I want what I want when I want it and screw anyone that won't let me have it."

I am no longer thinking of giving him benefit of the doubt. There is no excuse for this. Responsible adults don't go out partying and blow off work meetings. It is disrespectful to his fellow colleagues too. If you only have 2 months invested, get out now. You don't want a man child as a husband. He is never going to change.

You have given him every chance to show himself to have valid reasons and be worth your time. He has done nothing but fail to do so. He knows you did not want the weekend away with his single friends and so I doubt he will connect it to his job. He must be an intelligent person to hold that kind of a job. If you are stepping back for yourself then who cares what he thinks? He does not seem to care what you think. He should be more concerned about spending his free time and money with you and not her. None of his issues or problems are your fault. Nothing that he decides to do as a result of them are your fault or problem either, you deserve a grown man not a boy.

[Kiyama]

Well...

I'm really now exhausted with the whole thing. We just talked and he purposely went against his boss's instructions and went out with some co-workers and got plastered...missing a mandatory meeting. I honestly didn't have the energy to reprimand him because he KNOWS better. It's almost as if he is trying to sabatoge his own career.

While I can certainly understand the shutting down, why not do it in a mature manner, take the boss's offer for a leave of absence and get his head together?

Instead, he is going to defy his boss and TAKE the upcoming weekend to go on the trip that started this thread (with the female friend) and... maybe forgo coming home because he needs a "weekend to himself"

Right now he is bouncing back and forth and quite honestly, I'm getting dizzy. I just let him talk. I did not have the strength to mother him tonight. And to think that I was willing to take blame for his tantrum.

It's clear that he has some issues that have nothing to do with me that triggered this episode, and I can't watch him self destruct. To be this irresponsible and bull headed at 40 years old is just immature, and I don't have time to be a mother.

I am waiting until I calm down a little (I am completely furious and emotionally exhausted), but I think I am going to have to step away from him as well until he figures this out. My fear is that he's going to connect my leaving to him potentially losing his job (which he may have accomplished tonight in his drunken adventure), but his behavior is causing this.

Soooo frustrated right now..

Sounds like he is in a midlife crises. But by no means is that an excuse so I would get out of this is :/
Also, you are not his mother. He is a grown man who doesn't behave his age at all and it isn't your job to prevent him from making mistakes. You've been together for only two months and that things are so rocky already is a red flag on my opinion as well. I hope you make the right decisions. Good luck *hugs*

[ZenZeta]

Thanks everyone. I didn't sleep much last night and woke up in tears. I sooo wanted this to work. I really liked this guy and up until this little stunt he was like a dream come true (story of my life)

Then I got even more angry because (I didn't mention this), this beach trip he's taking is in the states! It's a 1 1/2 hour flight from where I live. He could have easily flown me there ESPECIALLY since he now won't be able to take the week break... and it's his birthday weekend. He's spending his birthday with someone else. That's so hurtful.

I had planned a special dinner and a cake and candles. I went shopping last week with money I really didn't have to prepare for his arrival. I've lost 6 pounds and was SOOOO excited about showing off my new bod. Now everything is ruined.

I don't even want to talk to him right now. I'm going to ignore his calls. I just need to think. This is NOT a good day...

[Hollandia]

I am sorry to hear this. If he is going to be this close to you and chooses to spend the time with her, I think you know what that means. Yes, he most certainly is sleeping with her and probably many more. He might even plan on marrying at some point, but he will cheat on his wife too He might have seemed like the perfect guy but you were only seeing what he was willing to let you see for the first couple months. Now, you are seeing who he really is. He has a "Don Draper" syndrome. I don't know if you watch Mad Men but the main character is a very good looking wealthy successful man and in his 40s and now cheating on his younger second wife he dumped his first older wife for. He says he loves these women he commits to but he is a man child at heart and he will never change. He is a genuinely great guy other than this flaw, but do you want to be the wife he cheats on for a few decades and then dumps for a younger version when he is done?

The idea that you think for a single second any of this would fall on you is nuts. He is misleading and lying and you were actually sorta covering for him but not saying that he was coming to the states with her and not going to visit you. This is a sign he has manipulated you to an extent that you believe he can do no wrong and it is always partially your fault. He used guilt, sympathy and passive aggressive tactics to do this.

Please stay around here and keep in touch, but get out of that relationship. It will be nothing but toxic to you.

[ZenZeta]

I see the handwriting on the wall and as of yesterday, I ended communication with him. Of course, he's called several times, left messages and texts, etc. but I can't be hurt. He clearly has some issues that need to be worked out, and I can't put on a superhero cape and save him. He's an adult. It's hard, but I know it's best. Back to working 24/7 for me. I will need to keep myself busy so I don't think about it...

Wow...

[Hollandia]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please feel free to PM me if I can help you in any way.