Is becoming less available a wise option?

[Lanni]

Hi all
I am currently in a LDR going on 7 months. It started out how most relationships do, where we couldn't get enough of each other and talked all the time.
I guess now thinking about it, the question I'm going to address here has somewhat also been a problem.

He has always had a habit of making plans to spend time with me sometimes, and the plan falls through. Sometimes with legitimate reasons like work, but often with nothing I felt to be a valid excuse. I have brought it up so many times, I'm as sick of saying it as I'm sure he is of hearing it. I am NOT expecting his attention 24 hours a day. I just feel like I am not a priority, even more so when I sometimes don't even hear from him and have been expecting that planned time until hours later or the next day. There is always some kind of excuse-he fell asleep, his phone died, he didn't get service, he got held up and the situation was out of his control.

Lately it has gotten worse since he started a new job. I am ashamed of the fact I have cried in his ear practically begging him to spend some time with me, because of the lack of connection I have been feeling. He says he isn't doing it on purpose-and tries to make me feel like I am being too hard on him and not understanding.

I feel like I am here when it is convenient for him, or when he is bored and has nothing better to do, and that I am supposed to act like nothing is wrong, and just be my normal self. I love this person, but I feel like I need to do something to change how I am allowing myself to be treated.

Today for the first time, I became less available. I went out with friends, and when he did text me I replied, but kept it very short. I wasn't rude or anything, just definitely not my normal "omg i love you" self. His reacted like he was angry and upset, and when I ignored the tone of his messages by responding less, he quickly started messaging me more and was eager to talk to me.. Rather then doing what I would normally do, and dive into any phone convo I was able to have with him, I chose to keep it short and end our communication for the night. I know he is probably not happy about that.
Here is my concern and where I need some advice. I do not want to allow this behavior to continue-where I am sitting around and he chooses when and if he talks to me. On the other hand, how much "becoming less available" is too much? I don't want him to think I have lost feelings or don't want to be with him anymore.

[Zephii]

Welcome to the forums, Lanni.

There was a time I felt the same, not that Obi, my SO, was ever particularly busy, but that he treated me like I was at his beck and call. Like I was always going to be there waiting for him, so he didn't need to hurry back or make time for me, and for the most part that was true. I lived my life very close to my PC in those days, and I would drop anything for him. Sometimes I really wanted to make myself less available and I tried once or twice, but I quickly figured out that I would rather work around him and have as much time as we could together even if it wasn't always 100% fair on me. It was harder on me to pretend I didn't have time with him than to make time and enjoy his company. I'm pretty sure when I tried to make him suffer, I really was the only person I made suffer lol. So where I'm going with this is: be honest with yourself and don't play games. Just live your life. If you're out with mates, dedicate your time to them. Don't come home early for him if you don't wish to, but if you're already doing nothing, don't pretend you're too busy just because you don't want to be available.

I feel that there's always one person more flexible in a relationship, and that over the course of your relationship that person won't always be you. For example, when Obi and I first met online, the time we had together was strongly dictated by where my SO at the time was. I couldn't always be available, meanwhile Obi was pretty much online 24/7. Later when he had work and school, and I was only studying part time, I molded my life around his, I would meet up with people after he was asleep, I changed my meal times etc. It shifted back again when I moved to his country he needed to be flexible and not abandon me to be with his mates all the time, and now we have a baby and I don't really work I'm back to being the flexible one. Someone needs to make the compromise, because two people living their lives completely separate and selfishly don't really make the most successful couples

So yeah, don't play games, be true to who you are and what you need, and you will find a balance between being too available and too busy.

[Lanni]

Thank you for your response

Playing games really is not what I want to do, but where my situation differs in what you described is I feel like he genuinely has lost interest in finding the time for us. While I agree one person can be more flexible, I feel like I have constantly putting my hurt feelings aside and saying, it's ok. I don't mind that you are ditching me over and over. Let's just talk while you're available.

[Bluejay Belle]

Been there! I think it's best if you tell him what you just wrote (if you haven't already). Sometimes people can be dense (I know I can) and simply aren't seeing what they are doing because of stress/work-load/Etc. Maybe he is so drained that it appears he isn't as interested.

[Gin_12]

Been there! I think it's best if you tell him what you just wrote (if you haven't already). Sometimes people can be dense (I know I can) and simply aren't seeing what they are doing because of stress/work-load/Etc. Maybe he is so drained that it appears he isn't as interested.

This, and I also agree with Zephii that you have to be yourself and not pretend. At the end of the day, you two are learning to know each other and there comes a time when you both have to decide what is a deal breaker and what is not as well as what sort of compromises you both can make.

[ams.201220]

OMG! I felt like my SO did the same thing last year! And honestly, I think I was just too free and too paranoid. Because I didn't have much on my plate, I had more time to put into my LDR. He was still in school and didn't have that much time to focus on just our relationship. This year, I'm doing a lot better when it comes to that. I'm doing more things for me, rather than for just our relationship. So now when we talk, it's because we both want to, and we both have time. This way it feels like we're both putting in effort.

I agree with Zephii when she says to not play games and just be yourself. But by making yourself a little more productive, it helps to give you time to yourself and time to your SO.

[Zapookie]

All I can do is echo was Zephii and other members have said.

In the beginning of our friendship/relationship I was the one always available - and quite often that left me feeling hurt when he was too busy/preoccupied to spend time talking to me. I learned that rather than sitting at my computer 24/7, I needed to do actually something with my life TOO! So I went out, made friends, did me. It was good as my self-esteem rose. I had fun doing stuff with friends and then when I was done, I'd come home and if he was online, we'd talk. If not, oh well, I'd leave a message and hope to talk the next day - or I tried to make plans with him for a skype date.

Basically, do your thing, whatever that may be. Set aside time to talk if you really need it. Sometimes things work out better when they are pre-planned. You're doing well, just keep it up and you'll see the dynamic start to shift to a more equal balance.

[Sora1101]

My advice would be to sit down with him when he's 100% able to focus on the conversation and tell him what you've told us. It could very well be that he's so busy that it feels like he isn't interested when in reality he's dying to talk to you but is just unable to find the time.

Go hang out with your friends when you want to, do things you want to do, don't let your LDR control you life and tie you to your computer/cellphone etc. Just as in a CDR each person needs to make time for themselves or they no longer have their own lives anymore. If your SO won't talk to you about these issues or tries to blow them off explain to him the situation in reverse (aka how would you feel if I only texted you whenever I felt like it etc) I know a lot of guys don't realize they're doing anything wrong until they sit and think about how they would feel in your shoes.

[redapple]

An other option is setting up a set routine. I know a lot of members speak to their SO all the time or at every chance they get but for me personally doing that LD is just too much. Me and the other half speak every other day at a set time for a set(ish) amount of time. It's always the same time unless someone has something on. But this way I'm not waiting around to speak to him, I'm not always on edge waiting for him to be online and I can plan doing other things around my relationship whilst making sure he get the time he needs (and its quality time, fully dedicated to him). Also he knows he needs to be online at that time which is where it might help your situation.

[Lanni]

Well I am back today, freshly single and feeling utterly devastated.

My SO was out until 4 am this morning and texted me to respond to a text I had sent hours earlier. I told him I needed to speak to him as soon as possible, and we had an hour long conversation regarding how things were going.

He admitted to pulling away from me, saying it was because when he started working he thought I would lose interest in him. Then suddenly I noticed he was using the term "we" when referring to the lack of time lately. We have just been busy, We haven't been putting effort in....

Uh-wut?

Anytime I tried to talk, and explain my feelings he would cut me off to assure me it was going to change starting today. It was like it was not even a possibility of him just hearing me out. I took this a huge sign that he doesn't really care or want to know HOW I feel, he just wants me to let it go.I don't think sweeping issues under the rug to avoid a possible conflict is ever a healthy or helpful thing to do. I am the type of person that something will eat at me for months if I cannot talk it out with the other person.

Anyway, he asked to spend the day with me today, to prove he wanted to fix this, and said we would talk at 9 am when I got home from an appointment. I got home, figured he was probably still asleep because I was home a little earlier then planned, and got ready for this awesome amazing day together.

Never happened.

Texted him at 12pm, no response. Finally heard back from him at 1:30 and he told me HE HAD BEEN WAITING for me all day, and I never called him when I got home like WE AGREED. I have no recollection of agreeing to that, since it was 5 am and i was exhausted from sitting up stessing the whole damn night. My anger took complete control of me, and I flipped. I told him it was over, I was done allowing him to do this to me,etc. My main question then and even now is we made plans for early in the morning, and you never even thought to attempt to contact me when you never heard from me, if I "agreed" to be the one to call you? There was no concern on your end as to why I hadn't, knowing how much I had wanted the time with you?

He turned it on me, and I am now wondering if this really is my fault...I am so emotionally and mentally raw from this I can't justify anything. Told me rather then being upset and arguing I should have seen it as a misunderstanding, and just spent the time with him then. Then started saying I never gave him a chance to fix anything, and he "gets it" the damage is already done, then told me when his relationships are over, he treats his ex's like they are dead...and blocked me on facebook.

I am so utterly disgusted that I mean that little to someone I have been stressing over so much that I would be that easily dismissable. How do I deal with this?